lovebubble Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 .. is a lot harder than i'd imagined. when i was married i fantasized about being able to date.. but, now that i'm single.. i'm frustrated and annoyed with dating. my first question, how long should u wait to start dating after you are divorced? i pretty much started seeing someone new as my divorce was being finalized. my husband and i had been physically seperated for 7 months prior to the new guy ( husband was deployed ) but, i found out that my husband was cheating while overseas and i immediately started dating a new guy. now, the new guy.. perfect in a lot of ways. we clicked immediately.. and i was certain that he would treat me the way that i deserved to be treated. he is attractive & sucessful.. very caring, attentive, ect ect. my ex returned from overseas and we met up a few times.. we both felt like there were things left unsaid, ect.. and i ended up being intimate with my ex. all of a sudden, i began to be very annoyed by the new guy.. but, at the same time.. i have no desire to be with my ex. it's like i immediately just got turned off from new guy, everything about him annoys me and i dont think i ever want to see him again. now, he's left wondering.. and i've obviously hurt him.. because he's begging me to see him and begging for an answer as to what he did wrong.. and i keep explaining to him that i'm not ready for a relationship ( i never agreed to be in one with him but, that's where things were headed ). he is crushed and i feel completely horrible. why is this happening? it's like when i saw my ex, i got turned off by men in general. i instantly wanted to be alone. should i stick around with new guy and see if possibly these negative feelings will go away.. of course, i've already warned him that i'm unsure about the situation.. but, he wants to remain friends.. should i try or just let him go as to not hurt him further? he's completely invested and i feel nothing for him.
LostInLA Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Let him go, you probably aren't ready for anything and it is not fair to him. He will get over it much easier if you let him down easy now. You probably should be single for a while, get reacquainted with yourself in a sense and then slowly start dating. I was single for a year after my break up from a 10 year relationship. Dating is HARD. I've been dating a new guy for 4 months now, and it isn't easy because I think we both have our baggage lol. Good luck!
tami-chan Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Dating after divorce....is interesting and can be difficult-not for lack of prospects or attention-I am sure- but for lack of skills in navigating the turns on the road to romance. But you can't give up, OP! Keep on keeping on...must hone skills!
ConflictedGuy27 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Dating after divorce....is interesting and can be difficult-not for lack of prospects or attention-I am sure- but for lack of skills in navigating the turns on the road to romance. But you can't give up, OP! Keep on keeping on...must hone skills! I agree with tami here. I am recently divorced and began dating around May of this year. It's definitely interesting and it's certainly a process. The process is very likely different for men than it is for women, i'd suspect, but as tami put it, honing one's skills and trial, error and learning from those episodes seems to be the theme of dating after divorce.
carhill Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 why is this happening? it's like when i saw my ex, i got turned off by men in general.You f*cked your ex, hated the dynamic, and projected it onto men in general. should i stick around with new guy and see if possibly these negative feelings will go away.Since you've been honest with him, it's *his* choice as to what he wants to do. He bears responsibility for that choice. If you're doing the 'I'm not sure, bla bla' and f*cking him too, whispering terms of endearment into his ear, this will confuse him, just as a man doing that to you would confuse you if you were 'invested'. he's completely invested and i feel nothing for him. BTDT. If he is disclosed and stays, whoa, head case he is. In my case I was led to *believe* that the feelings were mutual. Lie. -------- A clear imperative is to stop f*cking the ex. He'll be around again, you know, right? Deep NC, get used to being alone *without* validation from men and heal your psyche and balance your emotions. This is the guiding precedent which I have followed during my separation. No serious dating, no sex with other women and no f*cking the ex. Learning to generate happiness and love *alone* which can be shared in a healthy way with a new partner. Remember, those guys are humans too and we know all to well the stories of women here on LS who are hurt by men 'using' them, intentionally or not. BTW, stbx has had two 'boyfriends' since we separated. Hopefully, the guys were aware of their purpose and agreed voluntarily. Given my ten year experience, well, it's doubtful. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? Good luck
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