Chiklet Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hi everyone. im new to the forum and was desparatley seeking some advice. to cut a long story short.... basically i met this british born pakistani guy 2 yrs ago (he wasnt married then) and we were instantly attracted to each other... but i decided to take things really slow cos i didnt want to hurry into a relationship... plus i was enjoyng the spark we had at just the flirting level. since then our friendship developed loads.. we started speaking everyday for hours! still both of us didnt really admit we were together. even though neither of us had been out with other ppl since we met etc...but then in feb he got married to his cousin from pakistan. it totally broke my heart. his parents are very traditional. and i know he was forced into it. he was callin me the whole 2 weeks he was there and he says he never slept with his wife. i do believ him. but now the things have changed. I was offered a job closer to wer he lives and i took it without a moment of thought and now we are seeing each other in person alot and my feelings are only growing stronger for him. Im convinced he is the one and i want to marry him. he says he feels the same. his wifes visa got declined and i feel great. but im soo scared about my future. his parents are so strict. i dont want him to lose out on his parents blessings. we dont argue much at all and if it is.. its always about his forced marriage. I know i hurt him loads when i tell him he betrayed me. but i feel so hurt... i want us to be together... but i cant ask him 2 leave his family!
Mary3 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 You only know what he feeds....er *tells* you.... He has no problem cheating on his wife, huh ? Then he will have no problem cheating on you.
tigressA Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Married guy...should I stay with him? How is that even a question? He's married. Stay AWAY from him.
phineas Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Married guy...should I stay with him? How is that even a question? He's married. Stay AWAY from him. LOL! seriously.
Cracker Jack Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Yeah, sure. If you don't value yourself, that is. Not like you're going to listen, anyway.
Stung Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 In one word: no. He didn't love or value you enough to defy his family before, but you want him to do it NOW? Now when another woman's marriage and livelihood hangs in the balance? He might not have wanted to make this commitment, but he made it, and he has to be an adult about it. Everything he does now affects someone else's life in a way you can't imagine, and he needs time and space to make his decisions uninfluenced by you. You both need to understand that his wife deserves consideration and respect even if she does not have his love, he needs to deal with her privately and they need to make choices together about what they are going to do now. If he decides to divorce, well and good, he can come to you THEN, if he still wants to, and you can figure out what to do from there, together. But he needs to make that decision with his WIFE, and without you hanging around muddying up the picture the way you are now. It troubles me that you 'feel great' that this poor woman can't get a Visa to live with her husband and figure out her standing in her marriage and with her own family. Have you always had this much trouble feeling empathy for other people? You sound really self-absorbed and heartless in this post. In addition, his cultural traditions and family's approval are clearly very important to him if he married for them. You're not going to have that approval, and you're always going to stand outside the tradition if you force a divorce, so yes, your future with him would almost surely be battle-torn. Not only would you have his family clouding everything, but you'd always be haunted by the specter of this sudden surprise 'no sex' wife, even after she was long-gone. You'd always wonder why he wasn't serious enough about you to refuse that marriage in the first place, whether he really never slept with her, how long he kept the impending marriage from you really. And if she is his cousin also, you might very well have her haunting you in the flesh, at least at certain family occasions. There is no such thing as 'the one'. There aren't a lot, that's true, but there are a few. There will be more loves for you. Let this one alone.
tigressA Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Yeah, sure. If you don't value yourself, that is. Not like you're going to listen, anyway. Seconded. If he really cared enough for you, and was enough of a man, he would've married you and not who his family wanted him to. Also, like Mary3 said, he's very likely feeding you lies about his life with his wife. Of course he'll say anything to get you to continue seeing him/sleeping with him.
Mary3 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Seconded. If he really cared enough for you, and was enough of a man, he would've married you and not who his family wanted him to. Also, like Mary3 said, he's very likely feeding you lies about his life with his wife. Of course he'll say anything to get you to continue seeing him/sleeping with him. Thank you tigress. If OP stops and thinks about it : " Its not like she is winning the Prize if she gets him back " Find someone new OP ..
tigressA Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 If OP stops and thinks about it : " Its not like she is winning the Prize if she gets him back " Oooh, I like that.
TaraMaiden Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 This is a dual thread. It's a shame, because there is good advice in both. I hope the Mod can merge......
denise_xo Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 This is a dual thread. It's a shame, because there is good advice in both. I hope the Mod can merge...... It's actually a triple thread (one in the GR section as well).
jamesum Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 A lot of ethnocentric opinions in this thread. In other parts of the world family is sacred and your parents are like gods on earth. In Muslim culture (Pakistanis are Muslims) they believe for example that heaven is located under the feet of their mothers. Has anyone ever watched the Oprah episode where she interviewed famous Indian couple? There was a conversation that went like this: Oprah: How does it feel to live with your parents after marriage? Indian Actor: How does it feel to live without your parents after marriage? Nevertheless, in my opinion you should leave him. There is nothing wrong with either you or him. Its just that I think the cultural difference is too great.
TaraMaiden Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 It's actually a triple thread (one in the GR section as well). Oh lordy..... maximum coverage, huh?
Angel1111 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Yes, you should stay with him -- if you enjoy wasting your life on relationships that go nowhere and if you like being used. Here's the thing that we women miss all the time - just because a guy has strong feelings for you doesn't mean that he won't use you. This man isn't going to divorce his cousin - not in a million years - and he isn't going to rebel against his family who has a firm hold on him and his life. He knows these things but he's dropping little suggestions here and there in order to get you to believe there's a chance for the two of you. The only chance (which there is NO chance in my mind) -- the only chance there is for you and him is for you to walk away completely and cleanly, cutting off all contact and communication. Staying with a married guy, sleeping with him, befriending him, whatever - is not the way to motivate him out of his current relationship. And if you walk away and he never divorces, then you have your answer. And you didn't have to waste your life and destroy your heart in the process of figuring that out.
Mary3 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I have a hard time * visualizing * this man walking away from his family and his bride. I need to ask though : " Marrying your cousin " ?
denise_xo Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 . I need to ask though : " Marrying your cousin " ? This is very common in many parts of the world, and would include immediate as well as more distant cousins.
Mary3 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 This is very common in many parts of the world, and would include immediate as well as more distant cousins. Woah...........
TaraMaiden Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 She's right. It's not uncommon in Indian or Muslim countries to have arranged marriages "within" the family. Remember that marrying your cousin, though, isn't illegal in the West, either. The Catholic Church allows it. Its not illegal in the UK, and even the USA has some states that permit it.
Mary3 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 She's right. It's not uncommon in Indian or Muslim countries to have arranged marriages "within" the family. Remember that marrying your cousin, though, isn't illegal in the West, either. The Catholic Church allows it. Its not illegal in the UK, and even the USA has some states that permit it. Wow . You learn something new everyday !~
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