NC not working............

[EYECANDY000]

Op,

 

I think you know what you can and cant handle. If you know contacting your ex with just open that wound back up and you will feel worst than before then dont do it. How severe was the break - up?

 

But if you feel like time has healed and you arent as bitter as the day of the break up then contact her and see where it goes. You will never know unless you make an effort.

 

Honestly contacting someone right after a break up is a bad idea especially if that person found someone new. The last thing they care about is your crying demands. So I can see why a lot of people said it came off as creepy. But trust me i understand when you are in love. But you have to have a little dignity and self respect. Im sure after so many messages she probaly stop reading them, or if she was reading them she deleted them immediately...

[Don Ho]

Thanks all for your valuable suggestion..But I am not a weak and dependent guy,I just did all this for her because I love her to the extreme..She was my first love and I was fully honest to her..I did all the things that she wanted just because she is my life..And she did not want me to go for further education just because she cant live without me and same was my feeling so I cancelled..I just hope i may get her back..I will not contact her..But I just pray that She may realize it some day and call me back..

 

Sanj, I was not trying to insult you, however, in my opinion chasing her and doing what you have done make you look weak to her. A MAN would not do that and women want a MAN. Again, that's not to diss you. Chasing=looking weak=her losing interest=you getting dumped=you not getting even a chance of getting her back even if you want to.

 

Next issue: she was your first love and you "loved her to the extreme". That's a problem. It's not about how much you LOVE her, that won't change her mind or make her comeback, it's about how she FEELS about you!! Get it? You chase, she feels less for you.

 

I disagree that staying in contact works. Maybe 2% of the time for a select few with a certain situation. You have to stay NC for YOUR mental health and well being AND if you want any chance of her interest or feelings to change, you have to stay the "F" away!!

 

You'll be fine bro. Get busy. Get a life. Get out there. It will all work out.

[boltsfan17]

boltsfan17, I just saw the thread you posted, and basically, you admitted that you were pestering... last report in that thread was that you turned up on her doorstep with flowers...and basically, she refused to even come to the door.

 

So what changed since then?

Because I'm sure you would be the first to admit - that pestering someone doesn't go down well. Your GF told you this.

 

Pestering an ex- usually serves to drive them further off.

NC is implemented to heal, move on and begin life again.

 

So really, unless you can confide what exactly you believe turned your GF's mind around....

 

Well, I'm confused?

 

You are right, pestering someone doesn't get you anywhere. I learned that the hard way. After I turned up on her doorstep, I went to NC, something I should have done to begin with.

 

After some time had passed, I decided the best option was to contact her. The reason being is I just really wanted to tell her sorry and other things regarding the relationship.

 

She broke up with me basically because she felt I got comfortable and wasn't putting in the effort she was. When she would confront me about this during the relationship, I would be stubborn and think she was wrong and didn't listen to her. Spending months apart, I realized everything I did wrong and realized I was being too stubborn and that she was right. I wanted to let her know everything. I called her and we talked about the relationship. She gave me another chance. By contacting her and telling her what I did, I believe that turned her mind around. If I wouldn't have contacted her, I don't think we would be a couple right now.

 

Depending on the situation, I just think sometimes there is no harm in contacting an ex. My situation really wasn't that complex and she still did have feelings for me. Situations and people are different, so I just don't think there is always a right or wrong answer regarding giving someone advice on what to do.

[sanjaynp]

thanks all for your concern for me..I am just thinking to call her within few days when i would feel that its the right time to call her..As i know she would ignore me then It would not hurt me so much as I already knew in advance..But just wanna try out if something happens out and she might talk..I will just wait for the right time to call her..

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, fine.

Please come back and let us know how that worked for you.

OK?

[starryeyed12]

You are right, pestering someone doesn't get you anywhere. I learned that the hard way. After I turned up on her doorstep, I went to NC, something I should have done to begin with.

 

After some time had passed, I decided the best option was to contact her. The reason being is I just really wanted to tell her sorry and other things regarding the relationship.

 

She broke up with me basically because she felt I got comfortable and wasn't putting in the effort she was. When she would confront me about this during the relationship, I would be stubborn and think she was wrong and didn't listen to her. Spending months apart, I realized everything I did wrong and realized I was being too stubborn and that she was right. I wanted to let her know everything. I called her and we talked about the relationship. She gave me another chance. By contacting her and telling her what I did, I believe that turned her mind around. If I wouldn't have contacted her, I don't think we would be a couple right now.

 

Depending on the situation, I just think sometimes there is no harm in contacting an ex. My situation really wasn't that complex and she still did have feelings for me. Situations and people are different, so I just don't think there is always a right or wrong answer regarding giving someone advice on what to do.

 

 

I don't really want to tread too far off topic from the OP, but, boltsfan I see that you are fairly new, and I think a reminder is neccessay to you to please keep the OPer's story in mind when giving out your advice.

 

His story is NOTHING like yours. If you read carefully you would notice that he is basically stalking this woman to the point that she has asked her parents to come in between. The desperation and obsession he is feeling right now literally JUMPS off the screen at you.

 

Giving this man any advice other than to remain calm and start the letting go process is just wrong.

 

If you can not see that, then please be more passive on LS until you get the hang of how things work here.

 

Thanks.

Edited August 5, 2010 by starryeyed12

[boltsfan17]

You are right. My original advice wasn't the best. That was before the OP gave more detail on the situation. If you read my other post to the OP, I since have changed my original recommendation. I see what you mean after he was basically stalking her. That is why I changed my advice and said he needs to focus on himself, his education, and leave her be.

[TaraMaiden]

he even insists he's going to call her in a few days, "waiting for the right time"....

 

I'm sorry, but this is just blind reasoning, and a classic case of "none so blind....."

 

No matter how many of us are telling him to COMPLETELY BACK OFF, LEAVE HER ALONE AND STAY IN NO CONTACT - !!

 

...It seems he is still determined to create issues for her.

 

sanjaynp, your attitude, frankly, is completely selfish and self-serving.

You are intent on calling her for no reason, except to satisfy your own desire to talk to her.

If she doesn't respond, your desire to call her will still be there, because you just want to hear her voice and talk to her - for your own satisfaction.

You obviously don't care that she does not want you to contact her, and that she even resorted to asking her parents to block you.

You have no regard for her happiness, peace of mind - or it seems, what she even actually thinks of you.

She's going to end up resenting you, or even hating you.

 

That's why we all think - all of us now, mind - that you must not Contact her again!

Stop!

You are obsessing and you really have to quit!

[LovelyDaze]

I miss DenverBachelor's, TaraMaiden's, & Treasa's advice. Listen to them, sanjay...they are spot on.

 

Sure, a few and I mean a small FEW have gotten their exes back by breaking much needed NC.

But even as Treasa said, she broke up and made up with her ex SEVERAL times before doing the right thing and letting go of the madness.

 

Like Tara asked, PLEASE let us know how calling her with all the plots and plans you've made works out. It won't turn out the way you hope.

 

Even if you get her back,it'll most likely be temporary and end worse than before. Take time out for YOU...please. And for the love of God...DO NOT let anyone stand in the way of you continuing your education. That is completely nonsensical to me. Good luck.

[Don Ho]

Sanj, I totally agree with Tara and the other latest posts on here. You have been acting totally obsessive (and you're probably not telling us the whole story). DO NOT call her in a few days. DO NOT call her next week. You're obsession and irrational mind is telling you to go against your best judgement. I think she has made it clear she does not want contact with you. Thinking that you can fix it or change her mind is pure fantasy.

 

I'm sure Tara's comment "Please come back and let us know how that worked for you" was tongue-in-cheek and she realized there is no rationalizing with you in this crazed state and you're going to contact your EX even though everyone on LS is telling you not to. And that you will be back after it goes very wrong after you contact her. So don't do it.

 

Like I said before bro, you need some help. I know when I was much younger I had some similar issues to you. I didn't hear you comment about what I said, but you need to get some counseling NOW and check with your Doctor about some medication like Effexor, Paxil and/or Xanax to help you get through this stage. It will help and you will feel better. Let us know.

[tpopcaz]

Don't listen to all these idiots. They give advice that they think will help you, but they dont know you or her. There not love doctors or close to being one. If you want to chat with her do it. Do what you believe the right thing is. Look I'm in the same boat as you and all I heard was do no contact it will work. Its bull**** and doesnt work. If shes special to you would you rather have her in your life as a friend or hurt knowing yall dont speak. Like I said I talk to my ex right now and after admitting I was wrong I agree why we broke up things are getting better. We agreed that whatever we do with our lives is our buisness, but we will be there for each other if we need to talk. Whatever happens past that is in Gods hands now and nothing we can do about but be friends and see whats in store for us.

[TaraMaiden]

Have you read the thread from the top?

I suggest you do.

he pestered her to the extent that she had to ask her parents to block him off and prevent him getting through.

She doesn't want to talk to him.

He has outstayed his welcome.

he doesn't stand a rat's @ss of even getting close to her, and she almost certainly will never entertain the thought of talking to him again.

Did you ring your ex over 100 times in a few days?

 

I think you need to read the thread from the beginning to see how hopeless his case is, before posting.

 

And referring to us as 'idiots' just makes you look a bigger one.

Particularly when you've not been around long enough to know how things work around here.....

I suggest you get a feel of the place before throwing insults at people whom you know nothing about - and who have been here a good while longer than you have.... that's just unnecessarily rude.

[boltsfan17]

Don't listen to all these idiots. They give advice that they think will help you, but they dont know you or her. There not love doctors or close to being one. If you want to chat with her do it. Do what you believe the right thing is. Look I'm in the same boat as you and all I heard was do no contact it will work. Its bull**** and doesnt work. If shes special to you would you rather have her in your life as a friend or hurt knowing yall dont speak. Like I said I talk to my ex right now and after admitting I was wrong I agree why we broke up things are getting better. We agreed that whatever we do with our lives is our buisness, but we will be there for each other if we need to talk. Whatever happens past that is in Gods hands now and nothing we can do about but be friends and see whats in store for us.

 

You are out of line calling us idiots. Likewise, you don't know him or her either. Calling her 100's of times and leaving 100's of messages, then showing up at her college and waiting outside for her to come out for 2 hours, her parents got involved, and you think the best option is to contact her? He's probably lucky the police weren't involved or a restraining order was put on him.

 

I doubt your situation is the same as the OP. No one on here has ever claimed to be a "love doctor" as you say. This is a place where people share their experiences and give their advice to others based on their experience. I think you really need to read through the posts again on this thread before you lash out with crap like that.

[Don Ho]

Ahhh yes. Tpop is another 20 year old expert that got unusually lucky in a different situation than the OP and supposedly got his Ex back and everything is perfect .... with his equally obsessive, unstable Ex. Oh and after reading some of Tpop's posts, it appears that he also borders on OCD .... guess that's how Tpop knows so much about the next move for Sanj.

 

Sure Sanj, follow his advice and get the door slammed in your face again by your Ex or maybe go to jail for being a stalker. Notice how no one on LS that has suggested that you contact her except Tpop? Oh yeah, cuz we're all idiots with no experience with any of this and we have never been in your situation before and we're not Love Doctors.

 

Sanj, many of us have been in your position, including me, and that makes me feel for you and gives me a desire to give you helpful suggestions. You do need to stop. I still recommend that you see a counselor and try some medication if you haven't already. That's not an insult to you in any way; many of us, including myself (that don't even know you), hope that you can find a way out of your pain and that you get to a better place.

Edited August 6, 2010 by Don Ho

[chooch]

sanj,

 

I'm relatively new here and when my ex broke up with me about 6/7 weeks ago I tried so hard to win her back. But she wasn't interested. It's natural to want to reach out to try to cling to the relationship, but at this stage it's like trying to revive the titanic man trust me!

 

It's hard to go NC (no contact) but you seriously need to in this case. I mean I was borderline pestering my ex (not that bad) but seriously, start NC now. You'll have blips but once you get past that it's the way to go for definite.

 

If she wants YOU she WILL reach out. You contacting her in the meantime is only going to drive her further away or worse!

 

Trust the consensus on here and use these boards - I don't think there's a better wealth of knowledge on the subject in any book. It's knowledge from the experience of real people who've been there and have the tshirt.

 

yes it's hard. At first it's really hard, but you have to start somewhere. Good luck with whatever but the first step is casting yourself adrift and focusing on YOU. you need to do it for your own sanity, self development and most of all in your situation to stop you from making things worse

 

hugs,

 

chooch

[BigProc]

Tpop, nobody on here once has said going nc is going to get his ex back, not one post.In fact after reading everything, this might sound harsh but I dont think he has got a chance of getting his ex back. However obsessing about her, stalking her, hes got no chance at all, she will start to resent him. Everyone of these posts have pointed towards going nc to help him heal and move on from his ex which is the 100% correct thing to do. I,m currently going through this at the moment and it is for the 2nd time in my life iv been dumped and had to move on. It is extremely difficult but its nc Sanj MUST and I repeat MUST do. I am currently in nc now with my ex who dumped me. I have also dumped a girl before who I no longer loved, however she was still besotted with me. She begged and begged me to come back but nothing would make my feelings come back. After a while I started to resent her and get angry with her for constantly texting and ringing me and was on the verge of putting out a restraining order. So the moral of the story is no matter how much Sanj loves his ex, it is not going to make her love him back.Thus he needs to start nc immediatly and concentrate on himself. As for being friends with her, that is by far the worst thing he could do, it really is emotional suicide. No friendship until you are well and truly over her.Listen to the advice on here its all for you and its all correct. Sorry for the blunt post. GL

[sanjaynp]

Its not that I was stalking her so she was forced to tell her parents..Her parents and all came first and after that I pleaded her to come back..She planned to take her parents to break because she had no other particular reason to break with me..Earlier we were always tensed what if our parents said no,how will we plead them..But at the end I came to know when I talked with her mom that they were not against,it was my gf only who said them that she dint want..These 4 years we worried how to manage our parents and in the end its all opposite...And I called her just to remind our past days and promises.And its not that I kept her calling and calling..It was just an exxageration statement that I told..I meant to said that I did all things to get her back by reminding our past days and all..

But according to you all I did wrong with her. I sought the help but I am the bad person here..The mistake she has done with me,she was disshonest with me, she dint keep her promises but at the end the person suffer who never did wrong things..Talk to my friends and you may know what she has done with me and whose fault it was..This is my last post here..I am sorry guys..Thanks for your valuable time and suggestions...

 

There's only place for bad person in this world...

[starryeyed12]

Sanjaynp, I don't like how you ended your post. It's statements like that that get people worried, especially because we know you are in a very rough state of mind right now.

 

You are not a bad person! No one here was trying to say that about you. You are a good person no doubt, with quite goodhearted intentions. The advice given to you was based on what information you have shared. When you say that you called hundreds of times and the parents stepped in, along with the overall unstable tone of your posts, that led many of us to think that you have gone to some extremes to get back your ex.

 

From what I am getting now, you have stated that the break-up had nothing to do with the parents getting involved, but that it was what your ex gf wanted. She later informed her parents, who coincidentally, were not opposed to you two dating in the first place as you had previously believed. Got it.

 

So, she dumped you after 4 years for reasons that you do not know. This is really the only detail that matters. I'm very sorry, but reguardless whether you called 100 times or 30 that is still too many times. She does not want to be with you right now, and in light of these new details, it sounds as though she doesn't deserve you.

 

The mistake she has done with me,she was disshonest with me, she dint keep her promises but at the end the person suffer who never did wrong things

 

I obviously don't know the details, but if she behaved in this way then you should not want her back right now. You're going through a rough time now, like many of us here. You're not alone and things will be okay in the end. Stay strong, try to control yourself, and go NC. You both need time to clear your heads. And don't worry that she will forget you. If she is human then that is near impossible!

 

Stay strong.

[Don Ho]

Sanj, no one said you're a bad person. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Those of us on LS are just people that have been through break ups and painful times. We are here to help and support each other. We have been trying to help you so that you get to a better place and feel better. And you're right, we don't know all the details because we are not YOU and we are on the outside.

 

Years ago I was in your situation. I know what it's like to be obsessive and heartbroken over someone. I have done the drive-bys, the stalking, the waiting outside for her, watching her house to see if another guy is there, calling, pleading, writing long emails, looking through the back windows of her house. It's not a good place to be.

 

Most of us think that it will be better for you and that you will feel better if you go NC. But it's totally up to you, it's your life and your situation. So whatever you choose to do, you are welcome here on LS and I (as I'm sure the others) will continue to try to offer you advice and support.

 

Hang in there bro. It does get better and you will feel better no matter the outcome. Keep us posted.