My first failed relationship, I screwed up and it has really messed me up.

[Cassiopeian]

Below is just something I felt I needed to post online to officially vent out my feelings and get some sort of closure. It’s really REALLY long don’t feel obliged to read it or advise me. It's been six months and our relationship wasn't even that long. I feel like to fully get over this person I need to go through step by step what exactly happened and went wrong and not look at it through rose tinted glass like I have done for the past 6 months. Anyway this long account is just my way of dealing with this mess that I am.

 

 

I met this person through a mutual friend and I liked him instantly, like really liked him. We went iceskating with my friends and we had a really great time. We talked briefly on msn but conversation really sucked so I just sort of went off him for a while. A few months later we bumped into each other in the club and he made a move on me so I’m thinking wow, he likes me now? He asked me out not too long after. We had dinner but it was really awkward and disappointing though there was a lot of sexual chemistry. I still liked him. Second date was also a little awkward and conversation wasn’t that flowing but we had an ok time. He cooked for me which was great and sexy. I saw on his iTunes library he had a playlist labelled with the name of his ‘ex’ (i found this out from a picture of them together online).

 

He’s very intelligent, cultured, quite geeky but really good looking, lean and great build, fit my type perfectly but we’re just really awkward together. Anyway throughout the second date I noticed these carefully planned moves thought out to try and get to kiss me…(I saw him put chapstick on, he switched off the lights to ‘watch a boring movie’ on his bed, suggested to me that I pull the duvet over us 'for warmth', pretended to “adjust the volume” on his laptop as a way to come closer to me, his toes played with my toes which made me freeze like wtf… ok this did turn me on a little but I found all this a little creepy but also funny)

 

Anyway this is too much detail. I got really insecure because one, he ‘drunk’ texted me about filling in a charity blind date form, two, the first text he sent after the last date was ‘do you want to go to a club’- he never tried to talk to me or get to know me, I was asking most of the questions on the date, three he still had a playlist called his ex’s name and is pretty good ‘friends’ with his ex from his home country and finally, I didn’t really know him and his background, he’s an exchange student so he’d be gone after a couple of months.

 

So one night I got a little drunk, felt really insecure about where the hell this was going, got into a little fight with him on msn, accused and things heated up as I accused him of still having a girlfriend back home and then I ended it with him on msn. Which I admit I do regret doing. So I asked him to meet up with me, apologised and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. He said he’d have to think about that and didn’t contact me for a few weeks until it was time we had to go to an event together. We met up before the event and he said he wanted to stay friends and that he was the kind of person who goes with the flow when I asked him what kind of relationship this was ( I knew at the time it would be a bad move but something possessed me to ask him that). This made me laugh inside because we were never really friends and putting chapstick on in front of you date isn’t a person who goes with the flow.

 

Anyway lots of awkwardness later and a month later, I find out he’s written a love poem as part of a series of poems he read out at this poetry function. It’s online so I check it out. I can’t help feeling it was about me since it was about failed love. Ironically this stirred up all kinds of feelings inside me and really confused me. I was completely fine and over him before that.

 

All in all, I’ve been thinking about him for the last six months. It’s unhealthy but in some twisted way, I enjoy thinking about him, and the feeling I get in my heart when I do, whether it’s pain or love. So I’m almost in this vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. You see I think he’s perfect, what he stands for, what he does and what he is, while at the same time I know he will never emotionally satisfy me. But I can't help thinking the reason why he didn't treat me right was because of his lack of social know how? Because he's a bit of a nerd? (I like nerds so I'm doomed.)

 

 

Here is something I sort of wrote during one of my most hopeless hours. Makes me cringe but here you go.

I hate how I spent so many hours thinking about you, obsessing about you, thinking that maybe you did still like me, that maybe we were meant for each other after all though deep down I know we are not. I hate the way I handled our breakup and how I wasn't myself around you. I hate that after many hours of trying to deal with this situation, many hours of stalking you online, I fall for you even more, your mannerisms, your voice, your facial expressions, your body, your hobbies - you. And I hate myself for it. I hate the fact that I let myself fall for you when I know there was really nothing to fall for, but I do love you.

 

I think I'm only in love with you because you were the first guy who was interested and seemed to care. That is all. But you don’t care. I was and still am pathetic. I’m only still hopelessly in love with my projected rose coloured image of you, in love with the way I’d imagine you treat me, in love with the kind of ‘moments’ I’d imagine we would have together. It is pathetic. What’s even worse is that I can’t seem to hate you, I just hate myself for loving someone who could never ever treat me right but somehow I think you’re perfect in everyway imaginable. I can’t tell whether this heart wrenching feeling in my chest is pain or love, it’s probably both. I’m clinging on to something that never was. I know that. I don’t know who I am anymore because my thoughts are filled with you. I can’t hate you and I can’t forget you.

Edited August 4, 2010 by Cassiopeian

[CollectiveVelvet]

It does not sound like you actually liked this person at all. I think you are just obsessing because he did not ultimately want to be with you.

[kalikula]

You need to let it go.

 

I have been in a similar situation I think-- here's what I realized--- he was totally and completely wrong for you!! You don't want to be with someone that makes you feel awkward... When you find someone whose right for you, it will feel comfortable, relaxed, conversation will flow naturally... It'll be great! Hold out for those kinds of guys.

[Cassiopeian]

You're both right. He did make me feel really uncomfortable and totally wrong for me.

 

I guess what this is is just me obsessing over the fact that I could have had an intelligent good looking boyfriend and with that in mind I've been building him up to be the perfect guy he never was.

 

Thanks kalikula! You've really cleared up my thoughts!