t0ri Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 (edited) I spend pretty much every night with my boyfriend at his place. Tonight, I wanted to stay the night at my house because he has friends over at his place and it's late, and he's arguing with me about it, turning it into something it's not - by saying that I don't want to sleep with him. It's not that, it's that I want to sleep in my own bed, since I haven't in like a month! I invited him to stay the night with me, which he declined, and he had told me before that he'd understand if I ever wanted to sleep in my home, which he's definitely not. Now that it's happening, he's fighting with me about it, and making it a negative against him, when it's not! Also, earlier today, he called and asked what I wanted to do tonight and what my plans were. I told him I wasn't sure, that I had errands to run, and had to get some things done around my house. He asked what time I'd be over, and I said again, I wasn't sure. I told him to go ahead and make his own plans, since I didn't know the exactness of mine, and he had mentioned having a poker game with his friends, so I told him to just make plans without me. He took offense to this, and text me afterward saying that what I said came off really rude, and that he was just putting me first, and I make him feel dumb for always wanting to hang out with me, since I gave off the impression that I don't feel the same. (Just cause I told him to make plans without me?) I see him every single day, and sleep with him practically every night. I don't understand why he can't relax when I want to sleep at my own house every once in awhile. Why does he turn everything I say against him? "You don't want to sleep with me. You don't want to hang out with me." This isn't the first time, either, that he has gotten bugged that I want to sleep at home. And this definitely is not the first time he has turned a simple thing into a huge deal like I'm against him. It's really getting on my last nerve. He does this all the time, in different scenarios, not always involving our sleeping arrangements. Can anyone explain? FWIW, we've been together around 9 months, are 23, and this is his first relationship. Why the heck does he read into everything more than what's on the surface and spark a fight out of it? Or am I being insensitive? I told him he needs to stop turning things around - like turning me saying I want to sleep at home into me not wanting to sleep with him, and he told me, "That's how you make me feel. You need to realize that." So am I in a no win situation? I can't simply say I feel like staying home tonight without him feeling like I don't want to sleep with him? Is he just plain insecure? I make sure he knows he's appreciated and loved so I don't understand why he'd feel insecure. Good grief... Edited August 4, 2010 by t0ri
that girl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Do you want to be alone some night or do you just want to be in your own place (and he could be there or not)? It sounds like he might need things spelled out for him. "Why don't you come to my place?" is a vague offer. "I always come to your place and it isn't fair. We need to start splitting up our nights more fairly" is a lot more clear.
sloudrou Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Is he just plain insecure? Yep, it's his issue and there's not a lot you can do about it. Maybe he'll grow out of it when he grows up, maybe he won't, but for now you'll have to deal with it as long as you deal with him.
Author t0ri Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 I sometimes want alone time, which he claims he "doesn't understand." He says he never wants alone time, so it hurts his feelings that I don't want to be around him sometimes. It's not that I don't want to be around him specifically, it's just that I want my own time to do my own thing, by myself, and he cannot understand that. BUT that's not even the case tonight. I wouldn't mind him being at my home with me tonight, but he declined because he feels uncomfortable staying at my place, which is understandable because my mother lives with me. I told him it was alright if he didn't want to come over, and his response was, "I'm sure it is." Then, just now he told me that he rushed his friends and got mad at them for taking a break during their poker game because he wanted to hurry and be with me, and they were giving him crap for it, only for me to "wait till ten o'clock" to tell him I want to stay home. Now a guilt trip? Grr. Why is this such a big deal
Author t0ri Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 I'm assuming he's still mad about it today, as he has not called or text me which is unusual, and hasn't text me back. We ended last night with him telling me I'm the rudest person ever and a lovely girlfriend (sarcastically) and that he just wanted me to see his viewpoint on it all. He also told me that it will bug him every time I want to stay at home, despite the fact he had told me previously that he would understand if I wanted to sleep in my own home. What can I do to make him understand this isn't a big deal to sleep apart one night and he doesn't need to turn it into a fight?
MyNameIsJane Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I sometimes want alone time, which he claims he "doesn't understand." He says he never wants alone time, so it hurts his feelings that I don't want to be around him sometimes. It's not that I don't want to be around him specifically, it's just that I want my own time to do my own thing, by myself, and he cannot understand that. BUT that's not even the case tonight. I wouldn't mind him being at my home with me tonight, but he declined because he feels uncomfortable staying at my place, which is understandable because my mother lives with me. I told him it was alright if he didn't want to come over, and his response was, "I'm sure it is." Grr. Why is this such a big deal Okay - couple of things: This is a big deal because it is his first real relationship. Despite being 23, he is at the relationship maturity level of an 18 year old because he doesn't know any different. I am 23 now, but I remember feeling like I was in "no win" scenarios with my bf because he didn't want to stay over and I didn't want to go over there. Because this is his first real relationship, he doesn't get the whole "sometimes I want to be alone" thing. Though really, we all want some time alone - even if it is two hours - all he is going to interpret that as is "I want to be away from you" I totally get him feeling uncomfortable at your place - because I certainly would feel uncomfortable going to my bf's if he lived with his parents.... BUT relationships are compromise. I am not saying he should be at your place 50% of the time - but you just need to explain to him that you want to spend time with him, but he has got to give a little bit. Unless he has the desire for you two to move in together, he needs to understand that you need stay at your place sometimes... and that can include him too! I have found that often, when a guy hasn't been in many relationships, he thinks the girl is tricking him. "Go ahead and make plans with your friends" sounds like a trick because they are used to the idea that the woman is supposed to be needy. I am just going to blame this mostly on his lack of experience - and not understanding that your communicating with him, not trying to be rude to him. Hope this helped... a little. haha
Author t0ri Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 I literally am stumped because we've still been fighting about it today, and he says he just cannot understand why I'd want to sleep in my own bed, or be without him. He was supposed to come with me to a wedding today, but ditched me because of this fight. I told him that it's not fair I feel like I'm not allowed to sleep in my own home without him getting mad at me, I don't live with him! And he just turns it into, well I can't understand why you'd want to do that! What am I supposed to do to change his mindset? How can I get him to be cool with me having alone time? Whether it's sleeping at my own house or whatever, without him interpreting it as "I want to get away from you."
meerkat stew Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 This same kind of thing has driven me crazy in the past, I'd have to break up with a woman who insisted on being together every single night. His behavior is especially rude as you have a perfectly legitimate excuse for wanting to go home, he is being really selfish and sounds spoiled, is he a mama's boy? It is likely this selfishness is going to bleed over into other areas, so address it now.
Author t0ri Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 He's not really a mama's boy, but definitely can be selfish and is stubborn as all hell. I'm still mad that he ditched the wedding he promised to go to with me, to what? Prove some point? That really hurt my feelings. So he called me after I left the wedding reception, and began fighting with me again about sleeping at home. We got off the phone and he called back a little while later. He asked if I was coming over tonight, and I said no, so he said, "Ok well *Fred* just got here so I'm gonna go out with him." So tonight it's no big deal and he's just going to go get drunk with his friends? I have no words to get through to him anymore. How exactly do I address his selfishness?
meerkat stew Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I have no words to get through to him anymore. How exactly do I address his selfishness? Well based on him skipping the wedding over that, and that he is trying to emotionally blackmail you by going out with friends and rubbing your nose in it now, consider dumping him. If he's so selfish, and cares for your relationship so little, he won't improve.
Chinook Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Tori, for the short term, ignore him. If he means business and he's in the process of dropping you, then you're not losing anything. But if he needs to learn the boundaries of alone time which doesn't mean being without him, it means being with yourself, then... the time out will enforce that. Just drop contact for now and let it play out.
Sphere Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 He's seems desperate, clingy and manipulative. Oh and I forgot to mention, he has the maturity of a fifteen year old. How do you address his selfishness? You show zero tolerance towards the amount of sh*t he has flung at you and you prepare to walk away. If he isn't man enough to set boundaries and rules then you'll need to do it for him.
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