Viking Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Recently, I had been hanging out with a girl I work with and I began to like her. My gf and I broke up a little over two weeks ago and so I was hanging out with this new girl a lot and she was giving me clear signs of enjoying hanging out. Texts like, "I had an awesome time! It always an adventure with you!" etc. Well, it all came to a head a few days back after she crashed at my place after a party. She woke up and came into my room and laid down and we just talked about "stuff" in general. Family, life, how we ended up where we are etc. This went on for about 40-45 minutes and she decided to leave. About 20 minutes after she left, she texted me saying that she had really enjoyed the last few weeks and that so we're on the same page that she just wanted to be friends. I was pissed, depressed and hurt. I felt that our connection was better than "just friends". I did not text her back at all that day. I just did my own thing and hung out with friends. I didn't text her back the next day either and took a nap because I was tired. While napping, she texted me again saying, "Why can't we be friends? What's going on? :(" I replied back saying, "I'm not going to text what's going on it's too impersonal." Bumped into her at work the next day as I was clocking off for lunch and we talked about what was going on. I told her that I didn't want to hang out with her for a while because of the way I felt about her and that maybe we could be friends later. I really did enjoy hanging out with her and felt that we had a good connection, but I wanted more than to be just friends. I wanted to date her. This situation is one of the reasons I never try to be a girl's friend if I am interested in them romantically. Our mutual friends were just encouraging me to continue to hang out and be friends (so I tried it and it is stupid). Was it immature of me to talk to her and tell her that I didn't want to hang out with her for a while?
denise_xo Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Was it immature of me to talk to her and tell her that I didn't want to hang out with her for a while? No, it was a mature thing to do, IMO.
SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I would also tell her that you want to be friends for now, as you're still recovering from your ex. That way the door is still open, but you're not obligated to step through it when you're not ready yet. Then if you ever do decide to step through that door, your relationship with the new girls will be so much better for it.
Sphere Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I'd just forget about her, delete her number and move on and find someone else. When you bump into each other at work then just exchange a hello and a smile and go about your business.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I am kind of puzzled that you are so keen to get involved with someone so soon after the break-up. You seemed in love with that girl and it's been what few weeks? You need to take a bit of a break from dating.
Sphere Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I am kind of puzzled that you are so keen to get involved with someone so soon after the break-up. You seemed in love with that girl and it's been what few weeks? You need to take a bit of a break from dating. It wouldn't surprise me if it's a combination of desperation and a loathing of being single. Unfortunately for guys like this they go through life going through a series of failed relationships.
meerkat stew Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Agree that you are due some R&R from dating after a breakup. Hopefully, you did not discuss your last relationship with this new girl and vice versa, as that could have been one motivator for what she said if you did. In general, it sounds like you made a mistake I have made in the past in skipping some steps and expecting to set up a relationship before attraction is in place. Get to know women on actual dates, not long deep talks. Just ask them out, showing them a fun as opposed to a deep, heavy time. Keep things simple for yourself instead of getting mired in lots of emotional content too early. If they like you, they will say yes to dates, if they don't see any potential, they will say no. Simple, either way you have your answer and can adjust from there without becoming emotionally involved with someone who may or may not be attracted to you or worth your time. Attraction first, emotional involvement later. The best measure of attraction is if a woman accepts your invitations, but it is far from foolproof. The next measure is her physical responses to your flirtation. Save any deep talks for later once it's a foregone conclusion that you dig each other on a visceral level, and then only sparingly.
SassyKitten Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I would also tell her that you want to be friends for now, as you're still recovering from your ex. That way the door is still open, but you're not obligated to step through it when you're not ready yet. Then if you ever do decide to step through that door, your relationship with the new girls will be so much better for it. Which is exactly why I suggest leaving the door open. If you like her that much, you don't want to burn bridges, and cutting off contact and moving too fast are both actions that will burn bridges.
Author Viking Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I am kind of puzzled that you are so keen to get involved with someone so soon after the break-up. You seemed in love with that girl and it's been what few weeks? You need to take a bit of a break from dating. I recently got out of a relationship that was 10 months long. I had been single for over a year before I met that girl. It wasn't really a relationship after a while due to the lack of time we spent together due to her being busy with school, work and a competition for the engineering department that took her to Detroit for 2.5 weeks and then a family reunion for another 1.5 weeks. I flat out didn't see her, so I became detached. That's when I started to like this other girl, before I was even single. It wouldn't surprise me if it's a combination of desperation and a loathing of being single. Unfortunately for guys like this they go through life going through a series of failed relationships. Wow, let's just jump to conclusions. I dated my ex for 10 months. My previous gf (after a 13 month period of being single mind you) for 2 years 8 months. I'd say I don't really have failed relationships. I have pretty solid ones in fact. It is summer. I would rather have a cute girl to spend my time with than hang out by myself. And roommates are good too, but they're dudes. Can't really flirt with dudes.
Author Viking Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I would also tell her that you want to be friends for now, as you're still recovering from your ex. That way the door is still open, but you're not obligated to step through it when you're not ready yet. Then if you ever do decide to step through that door, your relationship with the new girls will be so much better for it. This is a good idea. Thank you. I still have to go over to her house because I left some tools there when I was repairing her bike. Is there any way to word that so it doesn't sound like I was "broken" by my ex? I would ideally like it if she saw me as getting over my ex and just not prepared to date a new girl. It is unfortunate that I moved so fast from my ex to wanting to be with her. Perhaps if I said something like, "I would like to be just friends for now. I realize that I am still getting over my ex and that is why I was so adamant about how I felt about you."
callingyouuu Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 This is a good idea. Thank you. I still have to go over to her house because I left some tools there when I was repairing her bike. Is there any way to word that so it doesn't sound like I was "broken" by my ex? I would ideally like it if she saw me as getting over my ex and just not prepared to date a new girl. It is unfortunate that I moved so fast from my ex to wanting to be with her. Am I missing something? I thought she didn't want to date you, so I would have assumed that telling her that you're not prepared to date a new girl wouldn't really be necessary. I think you just need to keep in low contact with her until you're ready. No more late-night talks for now, although whether or not you can start up a relationship at any point is still contingent on whether or not she moves from her "let's just be friends" position during your low-contact period.
SassyKitten Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 This is a good idea. Thank you. I still have to go over to her house because I left some tools there when I was repairing her bike. Is there any way to word that so it doesn't sound like I was "broken" by my ex? I would ideally like it if she saw me as getting over my ex and just not prepared to date a new girl. It is unfortunate that I moved so fast from my ex to wanting to be with her. Perhaps if I said something like, "I would like to be just friends for now. I realize that I am still getting over my ex and that is why I was so adamant about how I felt about you." If I were in your shoes, I would say something along the lines of "I just need a bit more time for the attachment to her to wear off". And if she is someone who's ultimately worth your time, she'll see it as good that you are a man who feels emotion for a woman as opposed to a player, and she'll like it.
lso802 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Not immature at all. You definitely set an example for me should I ever be in a similiar situation. Tahnks.
Author Viking Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 I was out with our group this evening and I didn't even bother talking to her and she didn't really try to talk to me, though it seemed like she kept glancing over towards me. My friend said it best, "She isn't worth worrying about." If she doesn't realize what kind of person I am and what I have to offer, I am better off finding someone who would. My friend also told me that if she was looking for a relationship she would want to date me, but she's after a "bad boy" which I am not really. Win some and you lose some. I'm off to Germany in a month anyway!
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