Dumped Because I Was Honest About My Abuse

[SassyKitten]

Hi,

 

I need some strategies to put closure on this one immediately. The man who I was sure was my soulmate dumped me right after I was honest with him about being beaten as a child, and this is the 3rd time in my life I have been honest with a boyfriend about this, and all 3 times I have been dumped within a week for another woman.

 

I'm too emotional to type out the thread, here's the link to one I posted in another forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=240356

[Woggle]

I know this is wrong for them to think but many men just see a headcase who can't have a healthy relationship in cases like this. I am not saying that is what you are but that is what many men think.

[Jilly Bean]

Sassy - you really need to dial it back about 50 notches.

 

The real problem here isn't that he "dumped you because you were abused".

 

The problem is that you convinced yourself this man was your "soulmate", and yet, you had NEVER MET IN REAL LIFE. You had no relationship, you never dated, he is not an ex, and you weren't dumped.

 

This is the issue, and I don't think you're ready to face that, unfortunately.

 

You need to stop blaming others for your problems, and start turning it all inwards, and fix what's broken within you.

 

Because until you do, you're going to continue to engage in these fantasy relationships (because they're safe) and have the same results, over and over.

 

The healing and solution lies within you, and you doing the hard work to get yourself well. If you don't, I promise you the same pattern will repeat.

[SassyKitten]

I know this is wrong for them to think but many men just see a headcase who can't have a healthy relationship in cases like this. I am not saying that is what you are but that is what many men think.

 

And that is a myth that needs to be shattered so badly!

 

One thing I have come to terms with is that I will always have the occasional bad day from this, because memories never go away. And if I tell a partner about this, it's not because I'm dumping emotional baggage, it's because I have the occasional bad day and need a hug every now and then. But thanks to him and 2 other men doing this to me, for the last 10 days I have been in tears having one bad day after another.

[SassyKitten]

Sassy - you really need to dial it back about 50 notches.

 

The real problem here isn't that he "dumped you because you were abused".

 

The problem is that you convinced yourself this man was your "soulmate", and yet, you had NEVER MET IN REAL LIFE. You had no relationship, you never dated, he is not an ex, and you weren't dumped.

 

This is the issue, and I don't think you're ready to face that, unfortunately.

 

You need to stop blaming others for your problems, and start turning it all inwards, and fix what's broken within you.

 

Because until you do, you're going to continue to engage in these fantasy relationships (because they're safe) and have the same results, over and over.

 

The healing and solution lies within you, and you doing the hard work to get yourself well. If you don't, I promise you the same pattern will repeat.

 

It wasn't a "fantasy relationship", it was the only relationship like this I have ever had! The other 2 times this happened to me they were conventional flesh and blood relationships complete with sex.

 

Stop focusing on petty details and please see the big picture here!

[Pyro]

And that is a myth that needs to be shattered so badly!

 

One thing I have come to terms with is that I will always have the occasional bad day from this, because memories never go away. And if I tell a partner about this, it's not because I'm dumping emotional baggage, it's because I have the occasional bad day and need a hug every now and then. But thanks to him and 2 other men doing this to me, for the last 10 days I have been in tears having one bad day after another.

 

and guys who run away that quickly are nothing to even think about.

 

Trust me when I say that there are plenty of guys out there who will base his decision to be with you based on your actions and not your past events.

[Jilly Bean]

It wasn't a "fantasy relationship", it was the only relationship like this I have ever had! The other 2 times this happened to me they were conventional flesh and blood relationships complete with sex.

 

Stop focusing on petty details and please see the big picture here!

 

It's not a petty detail, hon, and I am seeing the big picture. You were convinced he was your soulmate, yet you never met. Do you not, in retrospect of how things ended up, think that you put a lot of precipitous emotions towards this?

 

I am being VERY sincere about getting some therapy. I am a huge fan of therapy, btw. It's an hour spent talking JUST about you.

 

When something happens once, it's random. But three times, and you have to look at the common denominator, and it's you.

 

With your stories of abuse, fractious relationships with your parents, and difficulties with adult romantic relationships, I don't think it's a bad idea.

[Woggle]

And that is a myth that needs to be shattered so badly!

 

One thing I have come to terms with is that I will always have the occasional bad day from this, because memories never go away. And if I tell a partner about this, it's not because I'm dumping emotional baggage, it's because I have the occasional bad day and need a hug every now and then. But thanks to him and 2 other men doing this to me, for the last 10 days I have been in tears having one bad day after another.

 

My childhood was pretty much like yours. My mother did things to me that would make Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest cringe but I don't let it define me. I still managed to have a happy marriage and I have never had trouble getting dates. Live your life despite your issues.

 

I am not saying this to beat up on you but you come across like a person that has a lot of drama which is something most men run from in women. A man probably thinks he is going to have to pay the price for what every other man did to you and he just doesn't want the hassle. Stop letting it be the driving force in your life and men will be able to see the woman behind all of that.

[SassyKitten]

It's not a petty detail, hon, and I am seeing the big picture. You were convinced he was your soulmate, yet you never met. Do you not, in retrospect of how things ended up, think that you put a lot of precipitous emotions towards this?

 

I am being VERY sincere about getting some therapy. I am a huge fan of therapy, btw. It's an hour spent talking JUST about you.

 

When something happens once, it's random. But three times, and you have to look at the common denominator, and it's you.

 

With your stories of abuse, fractious relationships with your parents, and difficulties with adult romantic relationships, I don't think it's a bad idea.

 

 

Listen, Jilly, I have been in therapy for years about this, which I have mentioned several times, but maybe you missed it because you're bad at seeing the bigger picture here. If you can't be anything but an absolute bitch while I am crying over an extremely valid reason, then maybe you should stay the **** out of my thread!!!!!

 

By the way, there are some people on here who have met having it work out through one of your so-called "fantasy relationships".

[carhill]

I've followed a bit of your story OP and went through (to put it mildly) a few issues in my 20's myself. To this day, women are forever 'being honest' (meaning sharing their deep dark trust me I don't want to know) with me and my gift is I accept them as they are. This has cost me a lot of my emotional health. Wogs is right. Most guys will see a headcase. These are the men you are attracted to. A man who accepts you runs the real risk of ultimate rejection simply because you may feel you're unworthy of his love. I'd like you to think about that.

 

Save the childhood trauma for after you're engaged and, preferably, for PMC. Too much too soon, based on your current attraction style, has proven to be a painful path. Try something different. I doubt you'll change your attraction style, so change your disclosure patterns.

 

My sympathies...and enjoy Montreal. Wonderful city.

[SassyKitten]

Looking forward to Montreal!

 

And I am definitely changing my disclosure patterns. I'd be interested in a survey on this for how I should handle this from now on, and this goes with both friends and possible lovers. Should I:

 

1. Say my parents are dead?

2. Say my parents and I are estranged? or

3. Say my parents and I aren't close?

 

Sigh.....blunt honesty has always been one of my guiding principles in relationships....

[CLC2008]

Yes, honesty is good, but our childhood upbringing cannot be undone.

 

Pyro made a very good point in that regard.

 

Actions today we can change, past upbringing - we cannot.

[carhill]

OP, thinking back, I don't ask women direct questions about their families. Hence, women tell me what they choose to tell me (and god I wish it was less) so you could say whatever you felt comfortable with. If I heard 'I had a difficult childhood and haven't seen my parents in awhile', I'd nod knowingly, having heard many such stories, and express sympathy and perhaps a desire to talk about it in the future but, for now, change the subject. There's a time and a place for everything.

 

Does the concept of paths make sense here? IOW, in your case, your parents are on their path and you yours. You apparently find their path unhealthy (I'm presuming) so prefer not to venture onto it. That's fine. Resist letting their path rule you, even in the disclosure process. You can talk about your history with brutal honesty but from a perspective which shows your positive nature and health. It's as much how as what.

 

Many potentials. My current advice would be to suspend analysis for some fun and we'll see you when you get back

[SassyKitten]

OP, thinking back, I don't ask women direct questions about their families. Hence, women tell me what they choose to tell me (and god I wish it was less) so you could say whatever you felt comfortable with. If I heard 'I had a difficult childhood and haven't seen my parents in awhile', I'd nod knowingly, having heard many such stories, and express sympathy and perhaps a desire to talk about it in the future but, for now, change the subject. There's a time and a place for everything.

 

Does the concept of paths make sense here? IOW, in your case, your parents are on their path and you yours. You apparently find their path unhealthy (I'm presuming) so prefer not to venture onto it. That's fine. Resist letting their path rule you, even in the disclosure process. You can talk about your history with brutal honesty but from a perspective which shows your positive nature and health. It's as much how as what.

 

Many potentials. My current advice would be to suspend analysis for some fun and we'll see you when you get back

 

I was thinking that primarily as my family is something I get asked about a lot on first dates. As well as asked about when I'm making small talk with people I meet at hostels, at class/work when I'm making new friends, etc.

 

My gut feeling right now is to say "I'm not close to my parents", and if they ask me to elaborate say "I had to raise myself" and change the subject as quickly as possible.

 

I definitely choose to not venture onto their path. I have too much self-love to allow myself to be subjected to anyone who's toxic to me, whether or not they're blood related.

 

Trust issues are probably another topic for another thread, but that is by far the biggest manifestation of my past that appears in my current relationships.

 

Anyway, with this guy, what was very unfortunate is that he only saw an extra-mellodramatic side of me than is normal, because I severed my relationship with my mother shortly after meeting him, which was something that had been simmering for months before we met.

Edited August 3, 2010 by SassyKitten

[xpaperxcutx]

Sass, have you considered going on the rebound? I think that might help immensely, if you can go and have a light fling with a gorgeous guy. You don't even have to tell him about your past.

[SassyKitten]

Sass, have you considered going on the rebound? I think that might help immensely, if you can go and have a light fling with a gorgeous guy. You don't even have to tell him about your past.

 

Hell no!!!!!!!

 

Seriously, with the number of times I have been used in the bedroom, bad idea, trust me.

[SassyKitten]

Well, haven't slept at all tonight, and I do have a final exam to focus on. Which hopefully he won't cost me my A in! I'm still welcome to any advice to help me get closure, although I'll probably just be on and off of here today, and please wish me luck with this exam!!!!

Edited August 3, 2010 by SassyKitten

[SassyKitten]

Tempting....

 

It's not really something I come out and tell my friends immediately, but they usually know that about me within a few months of knowing me.

[carhill]

Hey OP, hope you do well on your test

 

Here's something to think about. If a man were to share with you what you've shared here, how would that revelation affect your perception of and attraction to him? The prior poster makes a healthy point about a 'good man'. Can you bring 'good woman' to the table and how does that work for you? In a healthy relationship there is balance. Both partners contribute to it. The lack of balance at the elemental levels of empathy, patience and support were a large contributor to the demise of my marriage *but* taught me important lessons about their value as well as effects on attachment and attraction. Good luck

[SassyKitten]

One of my guiding principles with dating is the simple rule of "Treat others as you wish to be treated", which doesn't always play well in reality when there's different rules for women than there are for men.

 

In any case, if a man had shared something like that with me, it wouldn't make me run, if anything I would appreciate that he shared something like that with me, especially as I'm now better prepared to understand how I can be the emotional support he needs.

 

Thanks, I'm off to kick ass on this test, I'll check back in when I get home this evening!

[carhill]

OK, let's see some positive effects of that perspective. Ace the test and own the town

[mickleb]

Hey SK.

 

I'm glad the hypnotherapy thing is helping because what I get from almost every post you have made on this issue is that you need to focus on calming down.

 

You come across as somewhat hysterical and this is not going to do your schooling or heart any good, as I'm sure you're aware.

 

Try not to be so ready on the defensive. You have told a poster on here that she's being a bitch and to f*ck off, when, in fact, she was trying very hard to help you. She is not the only one on LS to come under attack.

 

The comments made here about taking your good time in relationsips, slowing it right down, working hard on your 'people-picker' in order to be able to tell and good guy from a douche are all spot-on. But you are not going to be able to get to those places if you don't reel it back in and breathe a little.

 

Stop contacting this guy. Grieve the loss you are feeling. Accept that you made some mistakes in the last relationship (if only with picking the wrong guy) and understand that you need to treat yourself with some gentle care and respect.

 

You have been hurt a lot in the past and are still hurting - this is very clear - so take it slowly but don't ever look to another to take that pain from you. They will only let you down as they are not able to do that. Recover and continue to learn about how to address your past hurts. We all have them, and they will always rear their ugly heads and bite us on the ass when we least expect it but we can get better at understanding what to do when we feel the pinch. And this way, we learn to fear them less.

 

I wish you the best in your exam but my best wishes are for you to take back control of your life. You can do this and you will.

 

Oh, and listen to carhill - he's a wise old soul. (No offence, car! )

 

Take care.

 

x

[RedDevil66]

J Bean was right on. No need to talk down to her. She was being sincere and just trying to help you.

Like Mick said above, you come across as hyserical and a bit of an emotional cripple.

 

Can you see that assuming someone is a soulmate that you never even met is not healthy?

It makes little sense.

 

Your past is yours alone. No need to share it with anyone. You are carrying it like a badge and relating to it.

There is something called "woundology" where we identify with our wouds and have a need to tell everyone.

This sort of thinking will break the body down and lead to illness.

http://www.halexandria.org/dward044.htm

 

You can always share your pain once you really know someone well enough to trust them with your pain.

 

My brother law said to me when I asked him why men lie, he said "men lie so women will go out with them because if they knew the truth, men would never date"

 

Tongue and cheek of course, but it's all about holding some of your cards

 

Good luck

[SassyKitten]

I just ducked back on quickly enough to say that if it seemed like I was lashing out, I felt like I was being attacked, and like I have no right to feel the way I do because of the way we met. Of course communication over the internet can often be misconstrued, one lesson to take from this relationship as well(although Skype is much harder to misconstrue than a message board) but in general I tend to feel suspicious of people who say they are trying to help me when all I see from them is threads telling me that I'm an idiot for feeling some extremely valid emotions I have felt ever since I was a child. I didn't feel helped by said poster, I felt attacked, I might have gotten the wrong impression, who knows.

 

I'm going through a hard time right now, this board really has been a huge help to me all in all, and this is definitely the least mellodramatic side of me you'll see unless one of my cats has just died suddenly, or something else similarly terrible. So thank you for that.

 

Ok, I'm off again.....

[RedDevil66]

sometimes a little "shove" or attack is what we need to stay focused. I think J Bean's words were more of the shove and not the attack.