Britney23 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, I'm 23 and he's 25. I want to take the next step and move in with him. I have been ready to do so for about a year or longer now. He is not ready to move in with me. I feel so rejected and I don't understand why he doesn't want to move in with me. We have talked about this issue a lot over the past year or more. I ended up giving him an ultimatum even though I don't want to break up with him but I can't keep going on like this.. It hurts me that he doesn't want to live with me and I feel like he's not really committed to me, that I'm wasting my time, etc. He is sharing a house with a friend and I'm sharing a house with people I don't know (a 57 year old lady that I do not get a long with and a 28 year old who is nice but I don't have much in common with). Basically, I am miserable where I am living and he knows this. I can't live with my parents, my friends are all happy still living at home with their parents. I am only working on a casual basis and I am currently looking for full-time work. On my current low and uncertain weekly earnings I cannot afford to live by myself and I have looked for places where I can afford it but its the same situation where I wouldn't have my own space or would be with people my parents or grandparents age. My boyfriend tells me that he wants us to move together when we both want to, not when its convenient for me because I am unhappy where I am. He says that once we live together it will be forever so whats the rush and he just wants to enjoy living with friends whilst he still can.. I said he's only going to be ready when he has nowhere else to live and just to make a point i will not want to live with him so he knows what it feels like (I said this half joking). The next day the lady who owns his house died and so in a few months he will have to move out. BUT he still doesn't want to live with me and is going to ask his friend if he has a spare room. We spend a lot of time together and I am at his house even when he's not there because he gave me the keys and I feel more comfortable at his house than mine. We get along well together. Unlike him I am unsure if we will live together forever happily ever after. That's what I want to know. I want our relationship to end because I know that we can't live together not because he won't live with me. I want to live somewhere I feel comfortable with and with someone I love. I want us to take our relationship to the next level. This same thing happened 6 months ago where he had to move out and could've chosen to live with me but chose his friend. I chose just to wait things out but now another opportunity has come up and he still doesn't choose me... Advice please?
Soul Bear Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Re-read everything you wrote there...you answered all your own questions.....
zengirl Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, I'm 23 and he's 25. I want to take the next step and move in with him. I have been ready to do so for about a year or longer now. He is not ready to move in with me. I feel so rejected and I don't understand why he doesn't want to move in with me. We have talked about this issue a lot over the past year or more. In my experience, if a guy isn't serious after 2.5 years at that age. . . he's still seeing this as the starter relationship it could've easily been when it started (21/23 are great years to have a not-so-serious relationship; neither one of you probably went into it knowing what you wanted as a terminal relationship, though they can totally happen from connections at that age). He's not seeing you as a potential "forever" partner. I expect you're picking up on this, and that's why you're experiencing it as an "issue" and cognitive dissonance. You feel rejected because you're being rejected. If he doesn't want the relationship to be any more serious, after 2.5 years. . . well, I'm not saying he never will (I can't know that) but he has actively decided that he's not done thinking about whether you belong together yet. I ended up giving him an ultimatum even though I don't want to break up with him but I can't keep going on like this.. It hurts me that he doesn't want to live with me and I feel like he's not really committed to me, that I'm wasting my time, etc. That's all probably true. I'm not saying these things never work out, but the odds don't seem for you, unless something changes. Ultimatums rarely work. They basically never work when you don't want to walk away if they don't. He is sharing a house with a friend and I'm sharing a house with people I don't know (a 57 year old lady that I do not get a long with and a 28 year old who is nice but I don't have much in common with). Basically, I am miserable where I am living and he knows this. I can't live with my parents, my friends are all happy still living at home with their parents. I am only working on a casual basis and I am currently looking for full-time work. On my current low and uncertain weekly earnings I cannot afford to live by myself and I have looked for places where I can afford it but its the same situation where I wouldn't have my own space or would be with people my parents or grandparents age. This is all irrelevant. My boyfriend tells me that he wants us to move together when we both want to, not when its convenient for me because I am unhappy where I am. This is absolutely right. But it's a bit beside the point. (Unless it isn't? And you aren't really serious about seeing him as forever either and just want someone you like to live with. Which kind of is a crappy reason to move in with a partner.) He says that once we live together it will be forever so whats the rush and he just wants to enjoy living with friends whilst he still can.. Yeah, he's not sure about forever. That's my bet. There is no advice to give you: You either accept the situation as it is and realize that it may be a huge waste of time in the end, but you stay in it because enough of it is good now and you can live in the moment. Or you leave because it may be a huge waste of time and accept the fact that you'll never know if it was or wasn't. It really has to be you who makes the choice. I would suggest keeping your misery over your current place out of it. I don't know where you live but check-out Roomster or Craigslist or something for more like-minded roomies. I met some great friends by becoming roommates with them and never had trouble finding anyone my own age.
Author Britney23 Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Re-read everything you wrote there...you answered all your own questions..... Did I?? I'd appreciate it if you would spell it out for me...
Author Britney23 Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 In my experience, if a guy isn't serious after 2.5 years at that age. . . he's still seeing this as the starter relationship it could've easily been when it started (21/23 are great years to have a not-so-serious relationship; neither one of you probably went into it knowing what you wanted as a terminal relationship, though they can totally happen from connections at that age). He's not seeing you as a potential "forever" partner. I expect you're picking up on this, and that's why you're experiencing it as an "issue" and cognitive dissonance. You feel rejected because you're being rejected. If he doesn't want the relationship to be any more serious, after 2.5 years. . . well, I'm not saying he never will (I can't know that) but he has actively decided that he's not done thinking about whether you belong together yet. That's all probably true. I'm not saying these things never work out, but the odds don't seem for you, unless something changes. Ultimatums rarely work. They basically never work when you don't want to walk away if they don't. This is all irrelevant. This is absolutely right. But it's a bit beside the point. (Unless it isn't? And you aren't really serious about seeing him as forever either and just want someone you like to live with. Which kind of is a crappy reason to move in with a partner.) Yeah, he's not sure about forever. That's my bet. There is no advice to give you: You either accept the situation as it is and realize that it may be a huge waste of time in the end, but you stay in it because enough of it is good now and you can live in the moment. Or you leave because it may be a huge waste of time and accept the fact that you'll never know if it was or wasn't. It really has to be you who makes the choice. I would suggest keeping your misery over your current place out of it. I don't know where you live but check-out Roomster or Craigslist or something for more like-minded roomies. I met some great friends by becoming roommates with them and never had trouble finding anyone my own age. I should probably add that over the 2.5 years he has not once threatened to break up with me and he always talks as though we will be together forever, get married, have kids, etc (a long way off though like when he's 30 which suits me).. I on the otherhand have gone on 'breaks' and threatened to break up maybe a handful of times but then one of us makes it right again.. Maybe that's why he's not sure about us being together forever? I do love him and see a future with him. I don't live in the US.. I will try to look for another place, it takes time though..
zengirl Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I should probably add that over the 2.5 years he has not once threatened to break up with me and he always talks as though we will be together forever, get married, have kids, etc (a long way off though like when he's 30 which suits me).. I on the otherhand have gone on 'breaks' and threatened to break up maybe a handful of times but then one of us makes it right again.. Maybe that's why he's not sure about us being together forever? I do love him and see a future with him. I don't live in the US.. I will try to look for another place, it takes time though.. Ah, well that. . . of course, changes things, as all new information does. It sounds to me more like his position is completely understandable. You've threatened to break up with him, you've issued ultimatums, and you've expressed a desire to move in with him that's based, at least partially, on your own convenience. I'm not attacking you for it or saying it makes you a bad person (really, I think it's par for the course at 22, and I don't mean that in a condescending way), but it makes me think he's making a good decision on his part. You should move in together (if and when you do) because it's a natural evolution of the relationship. And be in a place where you aren't threatening to remove yourself from the situation to get what you want and where he doesn't have to deal with that. I hope you get there someday. I think a lot of your issues with him stem with the issues in your own life, growing pains mostly, I'm sure. Good luck finding a suitable place. I think finding a place where you're happy and NOT living with him is the best way to solve it.
Author Britney23 Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Ah, well that. . . of course, changes things, as all new information does. It sounds to me more like his position is completely understandable. You've threatened to break up with him, you've issued ultimatums, and you've expressed a desire to move in with him that's based, at least partially, on your own convenience. I'm not attacking you for it or saying it makes you a bad person (really, I think it's par for the course at 22, and I don't mean that in a condescending way), but it makes me think he's making a good decision on his part. You should move in together (if and when you do) because it's a natural evolution of the relationship. And be in a place where you aren't threatening to remove yourself from the situation to get what you want and where he doesn't have to deal with that. I hope you get there someday. I think a lot of your issues with him stem with the issues in your own life, growing pains mostly, I'm sure. Good luck finding a suitable place. I think finding a place where you're happy and NOT living with him is the best way to solve it. Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that. I hope we get there someday too and thanks for the luck!
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