Wife's affair is now my dilemma - experiences welcomed

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Watch out. A lawyer that would suggest such a thing, and assumes there will be a custody battle, has $ $ for eyes.

 

Lawyer, of the five i interviewed and more I observed, was selected based on references and focus on kids. I may not be presenting this well in a few short words. I proposed the idea of the letter thinking of great relationship I have with my in-laws. (or had before this goes public). He said it would be strong sway during temporary custody and while he didn't want to risk loosing surprise, said I would have to measure the risk/reward based on my knowledge of them.

 

Your concerns are more: No fault state? Then most adultery is refused to be heard except if it can be proven that the wife neglects the children or exposes them to OM.

Primary residence: If W wants to stay, she can ask judge to have you pay mortgage payments until kids are 18.

Custody: If W has a good history of taking care of kids, she will usually get primary unless you can get her to agree to otherwise before going to court.

But they will perk up and listen for the kid's well being.

 

South Carolina - adultery bars alimony. I have her taped admission plus PI reports of her time at apartment.

 

Residence - kids will stay but with which parent. I have logged her absences and my involvement. but this is where I am scared that it could turn as you say.

 

Child support would be 1100/mo. Her income right now is only $600-800/ month. That won't cover the three of them in that house.

 

Her affair and the boys and I get punished. Aggghh!

[You Go Girl]

I was simply pointing out the other side in case your lawyer was presenting your case to you with rose colored glasses.

I'm sure your W knows that she can't afford to stay in the primary residence. She probably will fear her indescretions being discussed openly in court. You do have something on your side--which is her fear.

 

A 2 or 3 bedroom apartment, or small house if there is enough equity, is not beyond her means. Obviously she will have to work full-time, or increase that part-time several hundred $ a month. She could still get custody without the primary residence. Changing schools would be an issue in the eyes of the court, but the court doesn't want to penalize mothers who aren't bread winners.

 

You do stand a good chance of getting what you want. But winning custody of the boys is not the same as having repaired a family that imploded.

What I don't like about your whole story is the sneak approach. I don't think you gave it your all to keep your family intact if you never sat down your W and told her--listen, this is what is going to happen if you don't rejoin this marriage, and I'm prepared to begin divorcing you tomorrow. Did she get the wake-up call she earned? Yes, the affair(s) were all her failings. But what made the affairs take place? A total emotional detachment from you. Why did that happen?

I understand she's a train wreck on her way to disaster. But you do have to realize that there are no winners here, no matter who gets custody.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

You do stand a good chance of getting what you want. But winning custody of the boys is not the same as having repaired a family that imploded......But you do have to realize that there are no winners here, no matter who gets custody.

 

 

I will never get what I want. It has all been taken away. I am only trying to salvage what's left of my family.

 

What I wanted was a family that felt the love I gave, appreciated the experiences we shared, cherished the memories we had and worked to a future of dreams and goals - all while laughing and supporting each other through the daily struggles of life.

 

Yes this is one of those struggles, and I stretched within my personal limits to offer a second chance to someone who did something I find morally reprehensible. I was willing to try to forgive because the boys didn't deserve for this to be thrust into there life and I loved her. It took less than two weeks to sneak off again to her affair partner.

 

Now, I can only hope to pick up the pieces with my boys who still feel all of my love, and still treasure our experiences and memories. We will be a new family who will laugh and struggle toward new goals and dreams. The boys can do the same for her if she makes that possible, I know they love her too.

 

What I don't like about your whole story is the sneak approach. I don't think you gave it your all to keep your family intact if you never sat down your W and told her--listen, this is what is going to happen if you don't rejoin this marriage, and I'm prepared to begin divorcing you tomorrow. Did she get the wake-up call she earned?

 

I did request that she stop contact. I did not threaten her with repercussions. I don't threaten nor do I want measure her commitment to the marriage from a point of fear rather than desire. She agreed but later reopened contact with both boyfriends and went to one's apartment (on the sneak).

 

I did explain my expectation of honesty and openness. It was returned with silence and lies. I asked her to help me understand. More silence and distance. I asked her what I could do or what she needed from me. More silence. I asked her to show the initiative and commitment to set up MC, it is on the to-do schedule and set-up after seeing her boyfriend one more time (that I know of).

 

My ALL may not be the same as others. I have struggled with this for months while figuring out what the going on. Through months of "what if"s and self evaluation, I know what my limits are. I didn't know if I was ever going to be able get over this but I wanted to work at a second chance and I tried. I know I can not offer any more. It sucks. It hurts. Right now we walk around ignoring each other. The boys sense it. They must. It has the potential to become ugly and bitter and for their sake it would be better if we separate. I have asked her to leave. She won't. The filing will create it one way or another - with that separation there may still be hope, though I doubt it.

 

 

 

Yes, the affair(s) were all her failings. But what made the affairs take place? A total emotional detachment from you. Why did that happen?

 

I have looked deep within myself, I have asked her, and still don't fully understand. I want to know where I let her/us down. The reasons seem more like excuses and don't justify an affair. I understand the emotional detachment allowed her to be weak enough to succumb to it. The main issues she raises were 5 to 10 years old. Stuff we have struggle with all along. (Right now it feels like blame-shifting). Issues which obviously will never heal. No abuse, no infidelity, no laziness, no lack of sexual desire or affection from me. Just feelings of resentment, inferiority, self-esteem, and general unhappiness. I have been a good provider and father but somehow I missed being the husband she needed. I now understand why people need to separate to get their heads straight but she took it over the lines by having an affair before that was in place.

 

WHY? I will work with my IC and MC to understand. Right now I don't have that answer clear in my head yet.

[HopelessinDTW]

Dad: I've been following your posts. I think you did all you can. I'm very sorry for it end this way, but you have to realize that your wife has changed to something you should not want in your life any longer. There comes a point where you have to take the pain of divorce in the short term to have a happier life in the long term. It's the old you gotta take one step back in order to take three steps forward. We here on this board are all in the "taking one step back" phase of our lives. It sucks. The emotions, the hurt the family is going through, all the dreams of the future as a family gone. But you have to ask yourself, the things that are happening now are happening for a reason. There is a higher power that rules our life...we just need to let go and ride this journey. Your stbx hopefully will wake up one day and realize what she has done, and hopefully reconnect with her kids. Until then you have to be those kids rock...you have to be there when they need you, and you need to be an example to them. It sounds like you're basically there, and excepting that responsibility. I wish you the best in the future, and pray that we all here on LS find a better life after all the pain.

[Darth Vader]

I look forward to giving her "our" bedroom suite. It was some beautiful furniture and she can be haunted by the memories of what was and could have been. That and a leather couch where her backside wore off the tanning from sitting on it so much.

 

One day closer ... one day closer.

 

Still debating on the parents thing....

 

 

I'm taking that it's the 2 spots where it,.............:rolleyes: Well, you know!

 

Don't forget to breathe! Take a breath or 10! You need it!

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I'm taking that it's the 2 spots where it,.............:rolleyes: Well, you know!

 

Don't forget to breathe! Take a breath or 10! You need it!

 

 

Actually , I don't suspect the couch but there is some history there. 3 times she sent it back to the manufacturer in pieces or parts because it wasn't good enough. Oce she was finally satisfied, there were so many version of this furniture on the market it wasn't such a commodity. Let her enjoy it.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Dad: I've been following your posts. I think you did all you can. I'm very sorry for it end this way, but you have to realize that your wife has changed to something you should not want in your life any longer.

 

 

So true, so true, And I have accepted this is the right thing to do for my boys and myself.

[You Go Girl]

She's having a full-blown acting out MLC.

I wasn't trying to attack you, just make sure you had thought it all through. Devil's advocate type of thing before you deal the final blow.

 

You've been trying to do the right thing then, and she decides it's marital suicide anyway. She implodes. Sometimes people are on a path of utter destruction because they have something that's lacking in themselves, not their partner. I suspect that in this case.

[LosingitAll]

Keep ur head up. I know its hard as h*ll to do but u just got to hang in there. That's what I keep telling myself everyday. U do a lot for ur boys just keep being there for them. Regardless of what happens no one can every take their love for u away & ur love for them.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Thanks for all who are contributing and commenting. Keep it coming.

HopelessinDTW - rereading your post in detail. 3 pages into it.

YGG - keep challenging me. I know its not an attack. It is many of the thoughts I need to work through.

Losingitall - thanks - I hope i can add something to your personal situation someday soon

 

 

Just got done with an IC session.

 

Talking through the delivery of the message "I've filed for divorce" to my wife. I am now thinking next Tuesday at the MC session. We haven't started yet as this is the first appointment my wife arranged.

 

I am thinking it will give us the chance to have an expert help us with the issue of how to tell the kids and how to be civil during this process. I want to continue the joint councilling as part of the divorce working on co-parenting issues. Hopefully she will agree that this is in the best interest of the kids.

 

I need to run this by the lawyer as well to see if there is enough time before he has her served.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks for all who are contributing and commenting. Keep it coming.

HopelessinDTW - rereading your post in detail. 3 pages into it.

YGG - keep challenging me. I know its not an attack. It is many of the thoughts I need to work through.

Losingitall - thanks - I hope i can add something to your personal situation someday soon

 

 

Just got done with an IC session.

 

Talking through the delivery of the message "I've filed for divorce" to my wife. I am now thinking next Tuesday at the MC session. We haven't started yet as this is the first appointment my wife arranged.

 

I am thinking it will give us the chance to have an expert help us with the issue of how to tell the kids and how to be civil during this process. I want to continue the joint councilling as part of the divorce working on co-parenting issues. Hopefully she will agree that this is in the best interest of the kids.

 

I need to run this by the lawyer as well to see if there is enough time before he has her served.

 

I find it strange that your wife's the one screwing around, yet, she's the one who wants to start marriage counseling. You realize that your STBX-hex will likely try to stop the divorce or drag it out for as long as she can. I suspect that she's trying to drag things out with the marriage counseling. If she iniated the marriage counseling, it's a good chace that it's a counselor that's in favor for your wife's actions. I wouldn't go as you've already made up your mind.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I find it strange that your wife's the one screwing around, yet, she's the one who wants to start marriage counseling. ...... If she iniated the marriage counseling, it's a good chace that it's a counselor that's in favor for your wife's actions. I wouldn't go as you've already made up your mind.

 

 

Actually, when I confronted her and she admitted to having one of the affairs, I made 4 needs:

 

1. Doctor's visit / STD check

2. Marriage counseling

3. Stop contact with the APs

4. No lying and be open to questions

 

Less than 2 weeks later her actions on 3 & 4 decided my only remaining course of action.

 

As I said above :

 

"I am thinking it will give us the chance to have an expert help us with the issue of how to tell the kids and how to be civil during this process. I want to continue the joint councilling as part of the divorce working on co-parenting issues. Hopefully she will agree that this is in the best interest of the kids."

 

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Talking through the delivery of the message "I've filed for divorce" to my wife. I am now thinking next Tuesday at the MC session. We haven't started yet as this is the first appointment my wife arranged.

 

I am thinking it will give us the chance to have an expert help us with the issue of how to tell the kids and how to be civil during this process. I want to continue the joint councilling as part of the divorce working on co-parenting issues. Hopefully she will agree that this is in the best interest of the kids.

 

Appointment was actually this Monday morning.

She arrived pre-work incomplete after receiving it on 18 Aug. I called and got mine 3 days ago because the wife didn't mention her receiving it by email. I prepared my pre-work and on blank for reason to see counsellor I put "how to separate and tell kids".

 

Counselor reads my paperwork and tells me that to work on the marriage we should not separate.

 

One of the first questions the counsellor said was "Have either of you consulted an attorney?" I wait to speak. Her answer was "no"

 

Flashback to Sunday: Wife took our sons to a friend's soccer game about 45 minutes away. I stay home to take care of some documentation. While she gone I pull up the GPS tracking site on the computer. Later I walk over to a neighbors. She comes home and see the car is being tracked. I come home and know shes found out about it. Oh well. Jumping back to counselling office story....

 

I say to the counsellor - "and that's why this won't work. She's lying. She even knows I have a GPS tracker in her car and yet she is denying that she went 4 days ago to meet a lawyer." I rehash my 4 demands. Counsellor tore in then about my need from her to be transparent. She said - "anything I say, he'll use against me". I explain that I am not happy in the house and that is why we need to live apart. I state I need a separation and that if she won't leave I will have it decided in court. I have already set this in motion. Counsellor tells her she needs to get legal help and then STBXW tells how its expensive. How I cut her off. How I was cruel to her. How I How I How I... it's all my fault.

 

The counsellor tells us that the kids are not to be told of the affairs. I listened and will respect her advice. It's why I came there.

Maybe much later in life.

 

We did make a follow-up appointment for next wek. We'll see if she's willing to go back.

 

After we leave office I walk her to the car she drives. I open the door and fold the backseat armrest down and remove the GPS device. I hand it to her and ask if she wants to keep it. I don't feel anymore need to keep checking on her anymore. She takes it and puts it in her purse.

 

I ask if she want to continue to talk. She agrees and we drive separately to an IHOP.

 

That conversation is a whole other post.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

This may or may not help, but before my divorce papers were filled with my local Family Court, my attorney advised me to collect as much "dirt" on my ex-wife as I could. At first I felt a bit bad about collecting my attorney's "dirt", but once I got into action and started it quickly became easy.

 

You stated something her old cell phone being on your plan, well this is a bit of good fortune for you. For my ex-wife was on my Verizon plan up until about the time of our divorce. Her phone was on my plan, the plan that was only in my name and I made all the checks out to each month. A friend of mine, who years earlier went through a divorce and had to prove adultery advised me to collect all the phone records, back to the point that I thought the affair began. Plus another thing he told me, which paid off huge dividends in court, collect any and or all "text" messages. You will have to pay a fair amount of money, but Verizon's text servers unknown to me keep all text messages for approx. one year. After paying the big fee I was able to have my local phone store give me a computer print out of all text messages, word for word, line by line..........there in black & white was my ex-wifes text's with her new man.

 

To be honest I was only able to read off some of the stuff, it made me sick the twisted and vial things that were in there. I gave the stuff to my attorney, who liked what he saw and said this will prove the affair and more than likely will find her guilty of adultery. Due to the fact that the phone was in only your name, the cell policy was only in your name and you alone wrote the checks and have the check stubs as proof, you therefore bypass "discovery" and "search warrants" and can introduce the text and or voice evidence in court because it is all your own. If the phone policy was in both your names and each person paid an equal share of the bill, than a warrant would be needed to introduce the stuff in court.

 

Now I will get to the point, as to why I felt it important to type out all that information. The fact is I lucked out and got a very old judge to hear my case. This judge was in his early 60's, pretty old fashioned and kind of gave off a "leave it to Beaver" attitude. Most states now have switched to being "no-fault" states when it comes to divorce, but if you get the right sort of judge and older one, who has a "Ward Cleaver" styled outlook on life, you will have the battle won. That older judge wont really put a lot of legal weight into the cell phone text evidence, but he/she may not legally but more than likely he/she will personally and inject a bit of his/her personal outlook on life to influence his/her final judgments.

 

In my case, we were able to prove that my ex-wife was going "outside the house" for this affair. She was making the choice to leave the house to have this affair. She was texting and calling someone who was outside the house to continue the affair. We were able to prove that she was doing everything she could to go "outside" the house to do her ill will, that the judge leaned in our favor and told my ex-wife, that since she wanted to go "outside" the house so bad to continue to see someone other than her husband, than she was here by ordered to leave the house, seeing that it was oh so bad and find her own place to live.

 

Maybe in your case, proving that she is indeed is going outside the house to have these flings and affairs would be in your favor. Maybe your judge will see things like mine did. By collecting as much evidence as I could for my attorney, "dirt" as he called it, it really helped me. Phone records, text records, sales slips from movie theaters and restaurants, talking to her friends that are willing to talk to you. For if your Wife says she is going out on the town with the Ladies, than one of the ladies can prove it or dis-prove it to you.

 

For me "dirt" worked, I hope this helps and please take care and good luck to you!

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

collect any and or all "text" messages. You will have to pay a fair amount of money, but Verizon's text servers unknown to me keep all text messages for approx. one year. After paying the big fee I was able to have my local phone store give me a computer print out of all text messages, word for word, line by line..........there in black & white was my ex-wifes text's with her new man.

Store opens at 1:30 - I am there. T H A N K Y O U !

Also like the perspective of going outside the home......

Focused on my boys.

[dqmommy]

 

 

I have looked deep within myself, I have asked her, and still don't fully understand. I want to know where I let her/us down. The reasons seem more like excuses and don't justify an affair. I understand the emotional detachment allowed her to be weak enough to succumb to it. The main issues she raises were 5 to 10 years old. Stuff we have struggle with all along. (Right now it feels like blame-shifting). Issues which obviously will never heal. No abuse, no infidelity, no laziness, no lack of sexual desire or affection from me. Just feelings of resentment, inferiority, self-esteem, and general unhappiness. I have been a good provider and father but somehow I missed being the husband she needed. I now understand why people need to separate to get their heads straight but she took it over the lines by having an affair before that was in place.

 

WHY? I will work with my IC and MC to understand. Right now I don't have that answer clear in my head yet.

 

Please forgive me for jumping in here...... I've a new poster (obviously!) but I've been reading through your posts. I'm curious as to whether anything she said (just saying, hypothetically....) would have seemed like anything other than an excuse......or is it possible that anything she says would be written off by you as an excuse? And, if it's an excuse, is there any such thing as a valid excuse???

 

I'm certainly not trying to butt in where I'm not welcome....I am truly curious as to your answers.....I imagine you are in a position that you never thought you would find yourself in. Much like myself, and much like my husband. I wish you much luck with your journey in life.....I hope that we all survive our trials and tribulations and come out better people in the end.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Please forgive me for jumping in here...... I've a new poster (obviously!) but I've been reading through your posts. I'm curious as to whether anything she said (just saying, hypothetically....) would have seemed like anything other than an excuse......or is it possible that anything she says would be written off by you as an excuse? And, if it's an excuse, is there any such thing as a valid excuse???

 

I'm certainly not trying to butt in where I'm not welcome....I am truly curious as to your answers.....I imagine you are in a position that you never thought you would find yourself in. Much like myself, and much like my husband. I wish you much luck with your journey in life.....I hope that we all survive our trials and tribulations and come out better people in the end.

 

Thank for your questions and well wishes.

 

As I originally stated "the reasons seem like excuses." And you are quite right - it is very possible that anything she says will be written off as an excuse.

 

I guess I am looking for any one thing which would have allowed myself to cross that line (which I don't believe I could have ever done). If I could see myself doing this to her, our kids, our friends and extended family - I would be able to understand and probably move forward.

 

I was even willing to devote the time to get myself to this point if she respected the requests of no further contact, being open and honest. The crossed the line again less than two weeks later.

[dqmommy]

Thank for your questions and well wishes.

 

As I originally stated "the reasons seem like excuses." And you are quite right - it is very possible that anything she says will be written off as an excuse.

 

I guess I am looking for any one thing which would have allowed myself to cross that line (which I don't believe I could have ever done). If I could see myself doing this to her, our kids, our friends and extended family - I would be able to understand and probably move forward.

 

I was even willing to devote the time to get myself to this point if she respected the requests of no further contact, being open and honest. The crossed the line again less than two weeks later.

 

Please don't think I'm trying to judge anything here by my questions....I was truly interested. And it's very interesting to read your response.....

 

I am in a similar position (but not exactly the same!!!!) as your wife...and a lot of what you say sounds similar to my husband. I guess I'm trying to see his point of view.....from your point of view....if that makes any sense

 

Thanks for your response!

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Please don't think I'm trying to judge anything here by my questions....I was truly interested. And it's very interesting to read your response.....

 

I am in a similar position (but not exactly the same!!!!) as your wife...and a lot of what you say sounds similar to my husband. I guess I'm trying to see his point of view.....from your point of view....if that makes any sense

 

Thanks for your response!

 

What is your situation? Only saw a few posts but it appears you may have strayed by your post to DoneWrong. I am not trying to pry if you are not ready to share.

 

I think we are all here trying to figure things out.

[dqmommy]

What is your situation? Only saw a few posts but it appears you may have strayed by your post to DoneWrong. I am not trying to pry if you are not ready to share.

 

I think we are all here trying to figure things out.

 

Well the truth is that I did stray, but not physically.....and not long term....and when I was "discovered" and asked to stop all contact I did....

 

I accept 100% responsibility for what I did....it was my decision, and mine alone to do what I did.

 

What I AM struggling with is that he does not accept any responsibility at all for any problems in our marriage and he refuses to see my side of anything at all. In fact, he refuses to listen to anything I say (thus, making me believe that anything I say will be chalked up as an "excuse" and not a valid reason for anything)

 

Don't hear me wrong ~ I am not excusing what I did ,and I accept 100% responsibility for what I did to all of us.......and, believe me, I am paying heartily for it. I guess I was drawn to your story because you are nearly in the position my husband is in.....and maybe YOU can talk to me because you're not full of anger and hate for ME personally.

 

I cannot take back what happened......I cannot change the past...but I CAN try to change myself in the future and make something good come out of all of this.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Well the truth is that I did stray, but not physically.....and not long term....and when I was "discovered" and asked to stop all contact I did....

Not knowing your whole story, but I would say your emotional needs aren't being met at home. Whether you got caught or confessed before it progressed, I would still consider this fair game for reconciliation. Do you have kids ? Ages? If my wife had done this I wouldn't be where we are at today (I think.)

 

I accept 100% responsibility for what I did....it was my decision, and mine alone to do what I did.

 

I cannot take back what happened......I cannot change the past...but I CAN try to change myself in the future and make something good come out of all of this.

This is a healthy attitude. Are you both prepared to give up on the marriage? I know you have papers in hand.

 

 

I am filing to achieve separation. With the boys, neither of us will leave the home, and now a court must decide. The boys will stay in the home, one of us will be told to leave. I am willing to risk that, for I believe I have a strong case to remain in the home with the boys. I need her to realize what it will be like. I need to know what it will be like. I need to protect myself from an alimony obligation while I have grounds.

 

I am wrestling with some issues of Christianity right now. I see how Satan would attack the relationship of husband and wife to take away from a relationship with God. I am staying true to my morals and struggling with if I would ever let her rejoin me. If I am unable to forgive, does that show a weakness with my relationship with God? <this is a personal issue - please respect my wishes to not comment on this point>

Edited September 13, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[dqmommy]

Not knowing your whole story, but I would say your emotional needs aren't being met at home. Whether you got caught or confessed before it progressed, I would still consider this fair game for reconciliation. Do you have kids ? Ages? If my wife had done this I wouldn't be where we are at today (I think.)

 

 

This is a healthy attitude. Are you both prepared to give up on the marriage? I know you have papers in hand.

 

 

I am filing to achieve separation. With the boys, neither of us will leave the home, and now a court must decide. The boys will stay in the home, one of us will be told to leave. I am willing to risk that, for I believe I have a strong case to remain in the home with the boys. I need her to realize what it will be like. I need to know what it will be like. I need to protect myself from an alimony obligation while I have grounds.

 

I am wrestling with some issues of Christianity right now. I see how Satan would attack the relationship of husband and wife to take away from a relationship with God. I am staying true to my morals and struggling with if I would ever let her rejoin me. If I am unable to forgive, does that show a weakness with my relationship with God? <this is a personal issue - please respect my wishes to not comment on this point>

 

My emotional needs are absolutely not being met.....haven't been in a long time, maybe ever. But I accept responsibility for allowing that to happen for this long of a time. THAT was my error...I should have spoke up....but honestly I never felt safe enough to (not that I thought he would get physical...)

 

The thing that is absolutely the scariest for me is that we both seem ready to give up on the marriage, far too easily. We have divided down our lives of over 2 decades in a matter of a couple of months......gone to mediation, agreed on almost all matters......it has all been WAYYYY too easy in my opinion. Makes me believe that in some weird sort of way he is glad that it happened....????

 

Yes, we have 3 children ~ almost 19, almost 16 and 8. They all live at home. WE have both worked to keep them out of the fray and maintain a civil and amicable attitude in front of the children. Actually, I can count on one hand the number of "blow ups" we've had since this occurred.....

 

It's almost as if there were no children involved we would both be walking away without much heartache.....

 

Because this is all "my fault", I am walking away from the family home. I will be moving out in a few days. We are splitting custody 50/50.....he is keeping almost all of the personal items. I have been pounding the pavement and have a job now. However, he IS being forced to pay alimony, but in my situation I have been a stay at home mom for almost all of the 19 years we have had children. I have no "formal" education....and by me being home, holding down the homefront and very nearly raising the older two children on my own it allowed him to achieve the business success he has had. The alimony will not last long.....maybe, just maybe, long enough for me to finish up my degree and get a "real" job.

 

And, for what it's worth.....we did try marriage counselling throughout our marriage.....once years ago when we (HE) had a problem and he agreed to go but failed to show up for any appointments....and again more recently when we were told by the counselor that our marriage was a "train wreck"......that's never a good sign...

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Because this is all "my fault"....

I don't see it that way. You will have to explain the relationship you had outside the marriage. My line was crossed at physical intimacy. It is funny how many neighbors and friends talk about daily flirtation that occurs with others to their spouses. They are open and honest and this allows it to be dismissed as harmless. I guess. I didn't ever hear any of this from my wife. She loved the attention, kept it hidden, and then acted on it.

 

The thing that is absolutely the scariest for me is that we both seem ready to give up on the marriage, far too easily.

agreed on almost all matters......it has all been WAYYYY too easy in my opinion. Makes me believe that in some weird sort of way he is glad that it happened....????

 

It's almost as if there were no children involved we would both be walking away without much heartache.....

But there is kids involved, mature enough to express their opinion in my mind. I am not sure what is better. They and yourselves may flourish in a revised family dynamic. I don't know what to think about this.

 

What can I help you understand? I don't see your actions - yet - as crossing the line. Is divorce truly what you want or are you hoping for reconciliation? Or do you want to know that you aren't the at-fault party?

[dqmommy]

I don't see it that way. You will have to explain the relationship you had outside the marriage. My line was crossed at physical intimacy. It is funny how many neighbors and friends talk about daily flirtation that occurs with others to their spouses. They are open and honest and this allows it to be dismissed as harmless. I guess. I didn't ever hear any of this from my wife. She loved the attention, kept it hidden, and then acted on it.

 

 

But there is kids involved, mature enough to express their opinion in my mind. I am not sure what is better. They and yourselves may flourish in a revised family dynamic. I don't know what to think about this.

 

What can I help you understand? I don't see your actions - yet - as crossing the line. Is divorce truly what you want or are you hoping for reconciliation? Or do you want to know that you aren't the at-fault party?

Well, first off, I AM the at-fault party for allowing a EA to occur. I will take "credit" for that one.

 

I didn't think I wanted a divorce......until I saw just how nasty he got and the things he said to me over the course of the past few months. Now I think that the line of reconciliation HAS been crossed..... in fact we have both agreed that *IF* we were to ever get back together that we have to break it apart 100% and start over. There is NO picking up where we left off.

 

As for understanding...I don't think I'll ever understand any of this. Something that really has me confused, though, is his behavior towards me.... I don't know if it's "being a man" or if there is something else going on. I have tried to do everything he has asked of me ~ cut off contact (done); been transparent with phone calls, texts, emails (DONE ~ he has my passwords); he gave me a deadline of moving out by Oct. 1 (DONE); he asked me to get counselling (DONE)....on and on and on......but now he's acting all pissy about me moving out. I don't know if it's his emotions on a rollercoaster, or if he's angry that I'm actually going through it....or if he's hurt that I'm moving on...... He seems very resentful about the move, yet controlling. Wants to "help" me move so that he can set up the boys bedrooms and help me get settled....

 

He was getting very angry when I was out looking at places and wouldn't immediately come home and share information. In my mind, I had made it clear that I was looking, but this is my decision that I am making (due to his request) and I didn't want to rub his face in the fact that I found a really cool condo (for example.) Basically, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

I guess initially I responded to your post because I could relate to your situation.....and thought that maybe I could gain some insight as to what the STBX is going through.....and maybe somewhere along the way I could give you some tiny insight as to what your wife did. But I don't know about that ~ regardless of what I did, I could have NEVER ever crossed the line physically.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

As for understanding...I don't think I'll ever understand any of this. Something that really has me confused, though, is his behavior towards me.... I don't know if it's "being a man" or if there is something else going on. I have tried to do everything he has asked of me ~ cut off contact (done); been transparent with phone calls, texts, emails (DONE ~ he has my passwords); he gave me a deadline of moving out by Oct. 1 (DONE); he asked me to get counseling (DONE)....on and on and on......but now he's acting all pissy about me moving out. I don't know if it's his emotions on a roller coaster, or if he's angry that I'm actually going through it....or if he's hurt that I'm moving on...... He seems very resentful about the move, yet controlling. Wants to "help" me move so that he can set up the boys bedrooms and help me get settled....

 

Please forgive me for just jumping in here, I mean no one any harm nor do I mean any disrespect by my jump in. But the above and stated information you gave, I personally feel that it's time to take back ownership of some aspects of your world. To me your phone records, voice data, text data, numbers dialed, calls received and your secret password needs to be totally taken back and placed 100% in your good care. To me, I would change your password to all that as soon as possible. And about what you were saying about your Husband getting all "pissy" about the notion of you moving out, let him get all pissy, let him invest a lot of mental energy in the notion of you moving out. Let him rent his own space in his head on the fact that you are moving, it's his own "head trip" not yours. As far as the counseling thing you stated, in my opinion it might be time to start changing the direction of the therapy, from something that was more aimed at helping two people in a marriage, to something more based on the lines of something only for you!

 

He was getting very angry when I was out looking at places and wouldn't immediately come home and share information. In my mind, I had made it clear that I was looking, but this is my decision that I am making (due to his request) and I didn't want to rub his face in the fact that I found a really cool condo (for example.) Basically, I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

As I kind of stated above, about your Husband getting "pissy", let him! Above your telling us about being out there looking for a new place to call home. I am glad your looking or possibly already found your next home. But this stuff is all about "you", not "him"! If he wants to blow a "head gasket" on the fact that your not sharing anything in regards to you looking and possibly finding your own place, that's just tuff for him. I think it's cool that your not wanting to rub anything in the mans face, that might turn out to be a very good thing right about now. I will tell you a little secret about men, might not be true for all, but most likely true for some, I think I know a little something about this, seeing I'm a man........men don't like to loose control of almost anything! Men, especially ones who are going through something similar as your Husband know that once upon a time they ruled their wife's worlds, they were the KING and their wife's were their QUEENS, subject to the "rules" and the "laws" of the kingdom....aka "your soon to be old house"! He just doesn't like the fact that he is loosing control of a lot of aspects of your life. This makes him very uneasy and would explain his "pissyness" and possible major irritability towards you!

 

I know you've mentioned the fact about stating your responsibility in all this, that's fine and dandy, but as my family told me during my divorce, "doesn't matter who is 20% or 50% or 80% or even 100% responsible, it takes two to dance"! 50/50 is fair, that is honest about who is responsible. But things like you are 100% and he is 0% is just silly and a tad bit nut's. To me the time for finger pointing is over, time for your own personal solutions and the plotting of your own personal life.

 

Again sorry to just jump in here, but I felt like all this needed to be said! Good luck, keep your chin up and we are here to help and talk.