Wife's affair is now my dilemma - experiences welcomed

[tank]

Dad, get a new pup, it could be good for you and the kids. It will keep your attention and keep all of you busy with training. It will also be a great reason to spend more time outside playing. When my wife left, she left everything including her dog. I was very strict about the dog sleeping in the crate etc. After the first week, that dog sleeps in my bed. If i have a bad night she comes up to my pillow and lays there for a hug. then right back down to my feet. She was my wifes pet, but she is now my companion. I have recently gotten a husky, who is not allowed on the bed and hes my dog. The point is the pet will be a moment of happiness for everyone, but make sure you want the dog and its not just to fill a void. Happy Birthday, she probably said it cause she still does have feelings for you. My wife acknowledged my birthday but didnt call her brother who has the same birthday as me. As far as doing something out of spite, i was an a@# to my wife and i tried to hurt her through this process but, i realized it didnt do anyone any good. She is already suffering enough, she gave up her husband, kids, pets, brothers, mother, and grandmother. Everyone in both of our families will not accept her decision and definitly not the affair and moving in with the OM. She has tried to force the issue by showing up at her brothers house with the OM and he looked her in the face said i love you but if he is gone in 5 seconds i will knowck him out. She knows she has ruined her life, just the other day she told me she has F@!@#@ up everything good in her life. She asked me to give her 2 weeks to get her own place and she would have all my child support for me, she is taking the steps to fixing herself. I am trying to support her and giving her a little trust. I have to, i have to see this women for the rest of my life. I will always love her in some way. I dont want to be bitter, that will just eat me alive. I also know that i am a lot luckier that my wife was so far gone when she left that she signed the separation agreement. NOt alot of men get that oppourtunity. Dont worry about hurting her, that cycle will just keep you down. Take care of the business thats need to be taken care of legally and financially. If you truley want to ruin any relationship with her going forward then keep being spiteful. It wont help you and your kids will notice. I did somethings, and my kids noticed. I stopped right away. I hope you can find someway to stay focused on th end result here and not let the bitterness take over your life. Stay strong my friend

[Binster]

I wouldn't have told her either. F*** her, what does it have to do with her, would be my way of looking at it.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I saw the Cardiologist today. No worries. The stress test imaging wasn't clear. I like to think that maybe they didn't know what a broken heart looked like. Anyways, he needed to meet for a general assessment to determine if I needed a catheter test for resolution. He was please with weight loss and said if I could run three miles without chest pains or shortness of breath I should be fine. No further testing. Well, at least one worry behind me.

 

I never did discuss it with the wife. Why would I want her to care?

 

I got bummed out filing out the forms at the cardiologists office. I left marital status blank and put my sister down (in NY) as emergency contact.

 

Sunday, I opened up to my sister (she's 5 yrs older and still in NY). I know with my Mom close by she hears from her a lot more and I felt guilty about not having my Mom visit us for my birthday. I needed her to understand why I didn't want her here and that I'm not ready to explain what's going on to my mother. My sister and I talked (really talked) candidly - probably for the first time in my life. I can't say I felt as close to her as I have since that night. My sister told me that our Mom asks all the time if she thinks something is wrong between me and my wife. She senses something obviously. I am just not ready to burden her with this. She is a real worrier.

 

As for my sister - God bless her and her family. She and her husband made it to 25 years today. Happy Anniversary! I now know they have had to feel some ups and downs but through it all, but they are making it. I'm happy for her but feel the nagging thoughts of failure for my own marriage.

 

I've been reading here lately but haven't chimed in to others. I kind of feel my current experience is so limited and tainted right now. I can only say. "I am sorry for each of your situations, but it's better you found this site than to be alone." I truly find my time reading or posting as helping me cope.

 

It was in a different post - but really struck home with me today:

 

A wise man once said, it's better to be from a broken home than to live in one.

 

 

Thanks Seibert! That will be the mantra that gets me to the temporary custody hearings. I still focus on doing this because it is right for my boys and me.

 

Thursday I start IC again. The first 3 visits in the spring didn't help much because I didn't really know what issues I was trying to focus on. Now I know that I will go there to work on making me better.

 

 

After I came home from work, my wife left for the gym for a few hours, despite inviting her to join us at the dinner I had started preparing. The boys' schooling restarts here tomorrow. We talked about the day tomorrow and the new adventure they would begin. I prepared their backpacks with supplies, laid out their clothing, and then had them help make their lunches. In my head I'm thinking - "We can do this. I'll make it work. "It's better to be from a broken home than to live in one."" But, I need to win custody first....

 

 

TANK - the puppy will come after the divorce. I don't want it to be another tug on my boys' hearts until I know how custody is decided.

Edited August 18, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[onedayatatyme]

Your story and mine are very similar in many respects. Cheating wife, standoff about leaving the house for custody reasons, two small kids. I did have to take her to court and face the chance of getting kicked out myself. Luckily I live in a conservative county with conservative judges, I have a great attorney and I had gathered an absolute ton of evidence.

 

Do everything you can to prepare the best case to show that you are the best guardian of those kids. Get proof that you are an involved father. Show that you are more emotionally and financially stable. Show that you are honest and care about your children. Have those other guys subpoenaed and put them on the stand. Let the judge visually compare you to them. Have your attorney ask those guys if they though it was appropriate to sleep with a married mother of two and sit back and enjoy as they stutter and stammer as they try to come up with something that sounds not retarded.

 

In my particular case it went something like this:

 

My Attorney: Did you think it was appropriate to sleep with a married mother of two young girls?

 

OM: They were separated.

 

MA: What do you mean they were separated? Didn't you know they were living in the same house at the time, sleeping in the same bed?

 

OM: Well I knew they were having problems.

 

MA: And did you consider that sleeping with her might make those problems worse?

 

OM: I didn't really think about it.

 

 

This will be a gut wrenching terrible day for you but if you can have the courage to face these jokers (and really it's better for you that she has two, it will make her look all the more like a cheap tramp), you can get what you want. But the possiblility that it doesn't go your way is real too. It's a necessary and unavoidable risk. What choice to you really have at this point? Just do what you can.

 

If you are interested in the rest of my story, look up my previous posts. I started posting here in December '09 or January.

[onedayatatyme]

BTW, OP. As I read all the way through this thread, I am struck at how similar your story and mine are. STBX's OM is younger, different race, much different from me in every respect, from wrong side of tracks. Two small kids. SAHM who seemingly went nuts, at least temporarily. Lies, lies, lies. And a faithful husband and good father left in the dust.

 

I'm about half a year ahead of you in the process. Send me a private message if you want more details. I think you need to be an established member though to do that. Established membership requires 50-60 posts on Loveshack.org

[Darth Vader]

I saw the Cardiologist today. No worries. The stress test imaging wasn't clear. I like to think that maybe they didn't know what a broken heart looked like. Anyways, he needed to meet for a general assessment to determine if I needed a catheter test for resolution. He was please with weight loss and said if I could run three miles without chest pains or shortness of breath I should be fine. No further testing. Well, at least one worry behind me.

 

I never did discuss it with the wife. Why would I want her to care?

 

I got bummed out filing out the forms at the cardiologists office. I left marital status blank and put my sister down (in NY) as emergency contact.

 

Sunday, I opened up to my sister (she's 5 yrs older and still in NY). I know with my Mom close by she hears from her a lot more and I felt guilty about not having my Mom visit us for my birthday. I needed her to understand why I didn't want her here and that I'm not ready to explain what's going on to my mother. My sister and I talked (really talked) candidly - probably for the first time in my life. I can't say I felt as close to her as I have since that night. My sister told me that our Mom asks all the time if she thinks something is wrong between me and my wife. She senses something obviously. I am just not ready to burden her with this. She is a real worrier.

 

As for my sister - God bless her and her family. She and her husband made it to 25 years today. Happy Anniversary! I now know they have had to feel some ups and downs but through it all, but they are making it. I'm happy for her but feel the nagging thoughts of failure for my own marriage.

 

I've been reading here lately but haven't chimed in to others. I kind of feel my current experience is so limited and tainted right now. I can only say. "I am sorry for each of your situations, but it's better you found this site than to be alone." I truly find my time reading or posting as helping me cope.

 

It was in a different post - but really struck home with me today:

 

 

 

 

Thanks Seibert! That will be the mantra that gets me to the temporary custody hearings. I still focus on doing this because it is right for my boys and me.

 

Thursday I start IC again. The first 3 visits in the spring didn't help much because I didn't really know what issues I was trying to focus on. Now I know that I will go there to work on making me better.

 

 

After I came home from work, my wife left for the gym for a few hours, despite inviting her to join us at the dinner I had started preparing. The boys' schooling restarts here tomorrow. We talked about the day tomorrow and the new adventure they would begin. I prepared their backpacks with supplies, laid out their clothing, and then had them help make their lunches. In my head I'm thinking - "We can do this. I'll make it work. "It's better to be from a broken home than to live in one."" But, I need to win custody first....

 

 

TANK - the puppy will come after the divorce. I don't want it to be another tug on my boys' hearts until I know how custody is decided.

 

 

I want you to reread the bolded part of your post!

 

You're NOT THE FAILURE IN YOUR MARRIAGE! YOUR WIFE IS THE FAILURE!

 

Once you're free from the Hex-, I mean Ex, you'll feel alot better!:lmao:

 

She's probably very controling anyway, always telling you what to do, Bla, bla, bla.

 

Just make sure that you get custody of those boys! I know you don't want to fight dirty, but hey, what do you think she's gonna do? No Mercy for her, she screwed around on ya and on her boys. YES, she cheated on your boys to ride her OM. She chose to spend time with her OM than with her own children! That'd piss me off to no end right there! Who knows what they saw or heard!

 

Your wife banging some other man was her choice, not yours! How could you control or stop that? You couldn't! Remember! YOU'RE NOT THE FAILURE, YOU DIDN'T FAIL, SHE DID! SHE'S A VERY BAD WOMAN, she may not even be human!

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

You're NOT THE FAILURE IN YOUR MARRIAGE! YOUR WIFE IS THE FAILURE!

 

Your wife banging some other man was her choice, not yours! How could you control or stop that? You couldn't! Remember! YOU'RE NOT THE FAILURE, YOU DIDN'T FAIL, SHE DID! SHE'S A VERY BAD WOMAN, she may not even be human!

 

What was bolded in the quote -

 

"As for my sister - God bless her and her family. She and her husband made it to 25 years today. Happy Anniversary! I now know they have had to feel some ups and downs but through it all, but they are making it. I'm happy for her but feel the nagging thoughts of failure for my own marriage. "

My own marriage has been a failure. But the failure is not my own.

 

As I truly believe and said before

 

 

.

 

I am saddened to say that there is probably something deeply disturbed with her. Mid-life crisis, transition from a stay at home mom. I don't know. She isn't the same person I married, and unfortunately, I am. Probably after she couldn't change many of my core personality traits (which I think she wanted changed).

 

Is it my fault ? - no more than equally hers. The affairs <-- all hers 100%

 

I am equally to blame for any problems in our communication / fulfilment of emotional needs / relationship. As to the decision and actions to have an affair - this is and can only be her selfish decision - and she alone must bear that responsibility and guilt. I will not. I am saddened by it. It will cause me pain forever, but the pain will never be guilt.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

 

She's probably very controling anyway, always telling you what to do, Bla, bla, bla.

 

 

Not exactly....

 

This was a topic with the IC today. We talked about "compensating". I've have reading material in the car but didn't bring it into the house yet.

 

His analogy was with him and his wife...Something like this.... "I get up every morning and make the coffee and bring her a cup in bed while she awakes. I have always done this and she has gotten to the point where she doesn't set an alarm. I have taken this on and now when do I get my cup in bed? Never." (raising and lowering his hand like a balance scale).

 

Near the end of the session, our discussion delved into when we were happiest. I think we were both happy in the early years. I was frequently deployed with the Navy. She had to be strong and independent, because she couldn't rely on me for her needs. I appreciated her support of my career. After getting out of the Navy to start a family, I slowly assumed more and more of the responsibilities (along with the pressure and resentment of not being appreciated) thinking I giving her more time to be a SAHM. While in her reality, she felt more controlled and worthless (accompanied with the resentment).

 

Her current complaints include me being controlling, a low self esteem, and resentment to her not being an equal. My complaints are in not feeling appreciated or valued for what I provide. Has my overcompensating for things contributed - probably. Has her under-compensating contributed - probably.

 

Thought I would raise this point for others to consider. Maybe early recognition by someone whose scales are only starting to tilt can save their relationship. I had never seen it presented that way.

 

I started IC in April because I didn't have anyone to talk too. I resumed IC today after a few months absence because I now want to be a better me. Better for myself, better for my boys, and better for others in my today and those in the future.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

If you are interested in the rest of my story, look up my previous posts. I started posting here in December '09 or January.

 

First let me say I am sorry if you experienced any thing like the hell I am going through now. If your situation is close - I know it really really sucks.

 

I do want to get more info.

 

One post closer to private messaging.

[Darth Vader]

What was bolded in the quote -

 

"As for my sister - God bless her and her family. She and her husband made it to 25 years today. Happy Anniversary! I now know they have had to feel some ups and downs but through it all, but they are making it. I'm happy for her but feel the nagging thoughts of failure for my own marriage. "

 

My own marriage has been a failure. But the failure is not my own.

 

As I truly believe and said before

 

 

 

 

I am equally to blame for any problems in our communication / fulfilment of emotional needs / relationship. As to the decision and actions to have an affair - this is and can only be her selfish decision - and she alone must bear that responsibility and guilt. I will not. I am saddened by it. It will cause me pain forever, but the pain will never be guilt.

 

 

I just wanted to make sure that you knew that! It seems that you do, Good for you!

 

But remember, she may have still cheated, though you did everything right! She uses that to justify her actions!

[Darth Vader]

Not exactly....

 

This was a topic with the IC today. We talked about "compensating". I've have reading material in the car but didn't bring it into the house yet.

 

His analogy was with him and his wife...Something like this.... "I get up every morning and make the coffee and bring her a cup in bed while she awakes. I have always done this and she has gotten to the point where she doesn't set an alarm. I have taken this on and now when do I get my cup in bed? Never." (raising and lowering his hand like a balance scale).

 

Near the end of the session, our discussion delved into when we were happiest. I think we were both happy in the early years. I was frequently deployed with the Navy. She had to be strong and independent, because she couldn't rely on me for her needs. I appreciated her support of my career. After getting out of the Navy to start a family, I slowly assumed more and more of the responsibilities (along with the pressure and resentment of not being appreciated) thinking I giving her more time to be a SAHM. While in her reality, she felt more controlled and worthless (accompanied with the resentment).

 

Her current complaints include me being controlling, a low self esteem, and resentment to her not being an equal. My complaints are in not feeling appreciated or valued for what I provide. Has my overcompensating for things contributed - probably. Has her under-compensating contributed - probably.

 

Thought I would raise this point for others to consider. Maybe early recognition by someone whose scales are only starting to tilt can save their relationship. I had never seen it presented that way.

 

I started IC in April because I didn't have anyone to talk too. I resumed IC today after a few months absence because I now want to be a better me. Better for myself, better for my boys, and better for others in my today and those in the future.

 

 

The part bolded: She uses that statement to Blameshift, to validate her screwing another man. It's been said before on LS, over and over and over......... It's a commonality amongst cheaters to say how controling he/she was/is. Low self esteem is another one as well as not feeling equal.

 

She's justifying her affair so she doesn't have to come to terms with the destruction she caused, so she doesn't have to face any consequences. See where I'm going with this? At least that's what I'm getting from this.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

The part bolded: She uses that statement to Blameshift, to validate her screwing another man. It's been said before on LS, over and over and over......... It's a commonality amongst cheaters to say how controling he/she was/is. Low self esteem is another one as well as not feeling equal.

 

She's justifying her affair so she doesn't have to come to terms with the destruction she caused, so she doesn't have to face any consequences. See where I'm going with this? At least that's what I'm getting from this.

 

In another of my threads running right now - someone asked me if divorce was the only option. I see it like this.

 

When I mention the affair she does exactly that - BLAMESHIFT.

When I requested she stop contact - she didn't. She bought a different cellphone and went to his apartment. Lying about where she was despite me being on the phone with the PI who watched her hugging the OM on the way out. It's been since at least since July 6 (admitted the affair) that she touched me. Someone else has held (or more) her since that day. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me.

 

I am a better person and I will find my happiness. I don't rely on her to provide it. Right now I just want the pain her presence is causing me to go away.

[Darth Vader]

In another of my threads running right now - someone asked me if divorce was the only option. I see it like this.

 

When I mention the affair she does exactly that - BLAMESHIFT.

When I requested she stop contact - she didn't. She bought a different cellphone and went to his apartment. Lying about where she was despite me being on the phone with the PI who watched her hugging the OM on the way out. It's been since at least since July 6 (admitted the affair) that she touched me. Someone else has held (or more) her since that day. I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me.

 

I am a better person and I will find my happiness. I don't rely on her to provide it. Right now I just want the pain her presence is causing me to go away.

 

 

Hence you're Divorcing her! I can't understand that though, no matter what you did or did not do, NOTHING would justify her screwing someone else! She knows that! I'm sure you both have discussed or argued about that before and/or after her affair. However, it may be like talking to a brick wall to you.

 

Just do one thing, protect yourself and your children, and make sure that you cancel credit cards and have a separate account. Don't leave the home, and make sure that you get the house! She doesn't deserve it!

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

However, it may be like talking to a brick wall to you.

 

So true. It always comes back around to me. I agree - I have my issues. But she had the affairs.

 

 

Just do one thing, protect yourself and your children, and make sure that you cancel credit cards and have a separate account. Don't leave the home, and make sure that you get the house! She doesn't deserve it!

 

HOW ? Of course I would like a guarantee.... but barring that, I have done everything I can to build my case. I've swallow so much to allow her patterns to be logged and documented.

 

Hopefully it will be enough. My silver bullet was to attempt to get a recommendation from the grandparents (my in-laws).... but I am discussing that in another thread and it doesn't seem to be a good idea.

 

Tonight when my mother in-law called. I had the boys speak first. Then I took the phone and asked how they where doing and about my nephew's (3rd grandchild) birthday party (today). We talked about my boys. When she asked where my wife was - I told her "she's out drinking". Truth. She left for a pregnant 20yr olds wedding at 5pm and called around 8:15pm to say that she and the girls were going out for a few drinks after. I have allowed a slight conveyance of disgust to come through in each of our conversations.

 

All truths. She's out at bingo. She's at the gym. Out with friends.

 

Mean while it's me at home with the boys or with the boys fishing or playing basketball with the boys.....

 

As the lawyer said... being a sh**ty wife doesn't make you a bad mom and the judges in this county favor the moms.

Edited August 22, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[Darth Vader]

So true. It always comes back around to me. I agree - I have my issues. But she had the affairs.

 

 

 

 

HOW ? Of course I would like a guarantee.... but barring that, I have done everything I can to build my case. I've swallow so much to allow her patterns to be logged and documented.

 

Hopefully it will be enough. My silver bullet was to attempt to get a recommendation from the grandparents (my in-laws).... but I am discussing that in another thread and it doesn't seem to be a good idea.

 

Tonight when my mother in-law called. I had the boys speak first. Then I took the phone and asked how they where doing and about my nephew's (3rd grandchild) birthday party (today). We talked about my boys. When she asked where my wife was - I told her "she's out drinking". Truth. She left for a pregnant 20yr olds wedding at 5pm and called around 8:15pm to say that she and the girls were going out for a few drinks after. I have allowed a slight conveyance of disgust to come through in each of our conversations.

 

All truths. She's out at bingo. She's at the gym. Out with friends.

 

Mean while it's me at home with the boys or with the boys fishing or playing basketball with the boys.....

 

As the lawyer said... being a sh**ty wife doesn't make you a bad mom and the judges in this county favor the moms.

 

 

I realized someone else had a better idea than mine, not easy to do. Anyway, the one who had the idea more or less suggested that the element of surprise was a better road to take with the Hex.

 

BTW, how is it that they look at Adultry, but they don't look at the fact that she leaves the boys to go whoring around? That's an oxymoron or hypocrisy of sorts! They need to remain consistant!

 

Unfortunately, even I can't guarantee that, but, spending time with your boys does count in most cases, why wouldn't it?

 

I just got to thinking, in some states the children can choose, depending on the age of the children, who they want to live with. Even if they aren't at that age now, when they reach it, then they can live with who they want, try looking into that with your Lawyer!

 

I forgot to ask, but, do your boys know what's going on with their mother (sleeping around), or do they notice anything(kids talk!)?

Edited August 22, 2010 by Darth Vader

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I realized someone else had a better idea than mine, not easy to do. Anyway, the one who had the idea more or less suggested that the element of surprise was a better road to take with the Hex.

 

What were the ideas you are referring too?

 

I just got to thinking, in some states the children can choose, depending on the age of the children, who they want to live with. Even if they aren't at that age now, when they reach it, then they can live with who they want, try looking into that with your Lawyer!

At worse - I figure 2 to 3 years before my oldest could initiate. I considered staying together for the sake of the kids after she admitted the affair. I requested she stop - she didn't. Divorce is now my only option. Adultery bars alimony. I don't think I want to go on like this for those few years and loose my edge on avoiding alimony. That's part of why I am filing now. I would end up with CS for a few years and split custody. I am paying the bills already so it wouldn't be that much different financially for me. This is not about the money. It is the time with my boys and the quality (read "quality" - as love and attention) they would get from me and they are not seeing from her.

 

 

I forgot to ask, but, do your boys know what's going on with their mother (sleeping around), or do they notice anything(kids talk!)?

 

They know she's absent. The youngest (6) is probably just used to it and thinks this is the norm. The oldest senses the tension and although she worked with the second paramour (she doesn't admit to this affair - but I know beyond any doubt they were together in my house while the boys were at Vacation Bible School) I don't think she would be flagrant enough to do something with them around while we are still married.

 

The biggest thing is that I now live in an upstairs guest bedroom and both boys refer to things like Mom's room and Dad's room. I am waiting (hoping) for them to slip up with her parents on the phone and let the bedroom arrangement be brought out.

[onedayatatyme]

It sounds like you're doing a great job. And I am amazed again as I catch up on the newest posts how similar our situations really are. Keep your head low and document everything. It worked for me. If you are on the title to her car, Best Buy sells a device called a little buddy. It's a GPS tracker made to put in a kids backpack. It's small and battery operated. It worked great for me but in my state (Texas), it's only legal to put on a car that you own. I busted her twice with OM using this device.

[Darth Vader]

What were the ideas you are referring too?

 

 

I think it was Carhill, but, I can't remember for sure, I can't find the post.

[Darth Vader]

What were the ideas you are referring too?

 

 

At worse - I figure 2 to 3 years before my oldest could initiate. I considered staying together for the sake of the kids after she admitted the affair. I requested she stop - she didn't. Divorce is now my only option. Adultery bars alimony. I don't think I want to go on like this for those few years and loose my edge on avoiding alimony. That's part of why I am filing now. I would end up with CS for a few years and split custody. I am paying the bills already so it wouldn't be that much different financially for me. This is not about the money. It is the time with my boys and the quality (read "quality" - as love and attention) they would get from me and they are not seeing from her.

 

 

 

 

They know she's absent. The youngest (6) is probably just used to it and thinks this is the norm. The oldest senses the tension and although she worked with the second paramour (she doesn't admit to this affair - but I know beyond any doubt they were together in my house while the boys were at Vacation Bible School) I don't think she would be flagrant enough to do something with them around while we are still married.

 

The biggest thing is that I now live in an upstairs guest bedroom and both boys refer to things like Mom's room and Dad's room. I am waiting (hoping) for them to slip up with her parents on the phone and let the bedroom arrangement be brought out.

 

 

How disgusting, screwing in your own house, probably in your bed too, EEWW!!! After dropping them off at Bible school, talk about no shame! Drop this bitch's ass! I can't blame you for wanting to out her to her parents! I would want to!

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

How disgusting, screwing in your own house, probably in your bed too, EEWW!!! After dropping them off at Bible school, talk about no shame! Drop this bitch's ass! I can't blame you for wanting to out her to her parents! I would want to!

 

I look forward to giving her "our" bedroom suite. It was some beautiful furniture and she can be haunted by the memories of what was and could have been. That and a leather couch where her backside wore off the tanning from sitting on it so much.

 

One day closer ... one day closer.

 

Still debating on the parents thing....

[LisaLee]

 

Still debating on the parents thing....

 

Have you talked to your lawyer about telling her parents? I'm sure he would advise against it as well. If she is to not know about the divorce until later than the last people you want to inform is her parents. You really need to hold your cards close to your chest, and realize that the relationship that you have with her folks is about to take a drastic turn. They may agree with you to a point... that her actions were wrong, that she messed up bad... but I would be shocked if they helped you over their daughter.

 

And remember, she will spin whatever tales she has to to make you look like a bad guy and cast herself as the innocent victim.

[Gunny376]

Simple, plain and easy!

 

The less said is the best said!

 

Take a fools advice!

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Have you talked to your lawyer about telling her parents? I'm sure he would advise against it as well. If she is to not know about the divorce until later than the last people you want to inform is her parents. You really need to hold your cards close to your chest, and realize that the relationship that you have with her folks is about to take a drastic turn. They may agree with you to a point... that her actions were wrong, that she messed up bad... but I would be shocked if they helped you over their daughter.

 

And remember, she will spin whatever tales she has to to make you look like a bad guy and cast herself as the innocent victim.

 

 

Lawyer's opinion was it would be a silver bullet that would coast us over the top but only I can measure the certainty. And since I can't be certain.... I will not say anything.

[You Go Girl]

Lawyer's opinion was it would be a silver bullet that would coast us over the top but only I can measure the certainty. And since I can't be certain.... I will not say anything.

 

Watch out. A lawyer that would suggest such a thing, and assumes there will be a custody battle, has $ $ for eyes.

 

Your concerns are more: No fault state? Then most adultery is refused to be heard except if it can be proven that the wife neglects the children or exposes them to OM.

Primary residence: If W wants to stay, she can ask judge to have you pay mortgage payments until kids are 18.

Custody: If W has a good history of taking care of kids, she will usually get primary unless you can get her to agree to otherwise before going to court.

This is bleaker than your lawyer's painted picture. Well no sense in just lining his pockets. Amicable agreement is always your best bet, details agreed upon without the lawyers involved. Treat them more like paper pushers. The courts don't give a hoot what she did with what man, and will be aggravated if your lawyer tries to insert that into the proceedings, UNLESS it can be proven it is abusive or neglective to the kids. The courts hate to hear dirty laundry. But they will perk up and listen for the kid's well being.

[Gunny376]

Watch out. A lawyer that would suggest such a thing, and assumes there will be a custody battle, has $ $ for eyes.

 

Your concerns are more: No fault state? Then most adultery is refused to be heard except if it can be proven that the wife neglects the children or exposes them to OM.

Primary residence: If W wants to stay, she can ask judge to have you pay mortgage payments until kids are 18.

Custody: If W has a good history of taking care of kids, she will usually get primary unless you can get her to agree to otherwise before going to court.

This is bleaker than your lawyer's painted picture. Well no sense in just lining his pockets. Amicable agreement is always your best bet, details agreed upon without the lawyers involved. Treat them more like paper pushers. The courts don't give a hoot what she did with what man, and will be aggravated if your lawyer tries to insert that into the proceedings, UNLESS it can be proven it is abusive or neglective to the kids. The courts hate to hear dirty laundry. But they will perk up and listen for the kid's well being.

 

 

"Ching-ching!"

 

Your STBXW could have been an x-prono star and it wouldn't make a damn's worth of difference!