Wife's affair is now my dilemma - experiences welcomed

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Received email from my lawyers office with a draft of the "complaint".

 

He's going for it all.

 

Full custody. At minimum joint.

Supervised visitation for her.

My soul use of house.

She must vacate.

No potential of alimony for her.

Child support from her.

Secured child support by insurance lest she die.

Contribution to shared medical costs.

She pays legal fees and all appraisals and investigative costs.

Equitable share of assets and debts.

 

I am amazed at how fast this is starting to proceed. I met with him last week. I thought there would have to be investigations, dispositions, statement preparation..... I guess he is just trying to get this on the court schedule and work on the rest as we wait.

 

Both cars are joint titled - she drive's the nice one with 5 yrs remaining payments. Do I need to have possession/responsibility of these spelled out as well?

 

Anything else I need packaged in here?

[2.50 a gallon]

Dad

 

Way to go!

 

Sorry that I can't be of assistance, my marriage only lasted 6 months, no kids, and the title to both cars was still in my name.

[wrencn]

Maybe I missed something in the thread but why should she have supervised visitation? She's not a criminal, she doesn't abuse your children. Yes she's being a piss poor wife and subpar mother but I truly don't see any justification for the supervised visitation. Just my .02

[Doing it Since '78]

Maybe I missed something in the thread but why should she have supervised visitation? She's not a criminal, she doesn't abuse your children. Yes she's being a piss poor wife and subpar mother but I truly don't see any justification for the supervised visitation. Just my .02

 

If she is ripping and running with young studs black, white, fillipino, spanish-whatever means that she is not thinking rationally, hell yeah all visits should be supervised

 

And YES she is a criminal, Adultery is a crime!

[wrencn]

If she is ripping and running with young studs black, white, fillipino, spanish-whatever means that she is not thinking rationally, hell yeah all visits should be supervised

 

And YES she is a criminal, Adultery is a crime!

 

Just because you are a crappy spouse doesn't mean you are a crappy parent. My husband is doing some stupid stuff but I wouldn't dare say he needed supervised visitation with my kids. People get so damn bitter during divorce- it truly is a shame, and I say that as a dumpee. Just be careful what you do in anger because you will have to answer to your children later in life. My FIL did this to my MIL because she was having an affair, and my husband and his sisters look down on him for it now.

[tank]

Dad, from one father to another, get your kids, that is all you need. If you get greedy you will look just as bad to the court. Show the court what is important to you. Split all assets as evenly as possible, with exceptions for the home. Who ever gets custody should stay in the home as long as that spouse can afford it. The children need to have as much stability as they can. They are already losing daily contact with one parent must they have to move and lose their home etc. as well. Not sure how the laws work there, but when it comes to the vehicles, keep yours, spell it out that she is responsible for all payments on hers and if you can, demand that she gets financing for the car on her own with-in so many days so that your credit wont be affected if she screws up with payments. The key here is to get custody set. You will need those kids to have a loving enviroment, if this goes south with both you and your wife hating each other and trying to screw each other over. What i am about to say might upset some people but she cheated on you and she ruined your marriage so here goes. Is there anyway you can have a separation agreement drafted and play on her emotions and her guilt about the situation to sign it. Not sure if she would but, i was able to get mine to sign before i left for a business trip. good luck and i hope you get what you want out of this situation.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Maybe I missed something in the thread but why should she have supervised visitation? She's not a criminal,

 

Wrencn: Thanks for you input. I am mixed on this and would be willing to drop this clause but I think the lawyer really wants to go heavy and hope to negotiate up. The main reason I want this included is for the 2 paramours. Boyfriend one (longer term - and resumed) has a few minor criminal records locally according to a public records search in the two neighboring counties. Boyfriend #2 (also still in contact with) has a public record including weapons charges. Supervised may be to designate the location and prevent their contact. This request will allow the additional information to be put in front of the judge during the temporary hearing. Introducing her association with "criminal" types should work in my favor. Like so many of you here, the emotions swing so many ways so quickly. I "can't not be" (you can read as "I AM") concerned with where she will go if she must vacate. I don't know where she might go - possibly move in with one of the boyfriends ?.?. The boys are my priority. The lawyer and I discussed the advantages of her voluntarily exiting the home if I set her up somewhere. I am willing to try this but she won't leave without the boys. I am hoping that a surprise request to a hearing may put her in the least defendable position and maybe then she would be open to negotiate leaving the boys. By then I'll also know if her parents would be willing to agree to support my custody request. Thanks for the feedback. WRENCN - I would like to know your feelings on this given the additional information. Anyone know a good way to coax or pressure the STBX to vacate and abandon custody?

Edited August 7, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys
paragraph breaks

[michaelhopes]

the lawyer really wants to go heavy and hope to negotiate up

Smart move....

Also if she's having affairs with criminals you want to get her far away from the kids as possible. She's not right in the head.......

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Thanks for the post. I hope you don't mind if I search your profile for past posts. It seems like you were able to get what you wanted and your priority is family. My priority is my boys now. Assets and lifestyle I can rebuild. sorry gotta go. wife's home..

[wrencn]

Dad-check out this link

 

http://family-law.lawyers.com/visitation-rights/Supervised-Visitation-and-Child-Custody.html

 

I don't know where you live but in Virginia you have to be pretty screwed up to get only supervised visitation. As for getting her to move out... I'm sure she knows that if she leaves without the boys you can claim abandonment.

[U2RockZz]

your lawyer is doing the fabulous job for you .....go with the all guns blazing....i don't know about your place....but if you have a influential lawyer..and if you have some money at disposal then i don't think it's such a tough task to get the custody......

 

supervised visitation:with the kind of people she associated with....i don't think it's beyond reach.....

 

way to go....best of luck

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

wrencn,

 

Thanks for the link.

 

There was wording regarding the visitation that I find questionable. I will definitely reconsider the wording the lawyer is proposing.

 

First off - i want something "REQUIRING" visitation - to show that:

1. I recognize the importance of their mother in their lives. (I DO!)

2. I want the boys (and her) to feel a loving bond.

3. I am not a self centered SOB looking to make this a more painful experience than it already is.

 

My focus is the kids well being. Even at my expense (provided my expense - is not more than hers. Rightfully so.)

 

*** Note to self and others *** Selecting a lawyer (and his best practiced strategies) must be aligned by what your (or your children's - hopefully one and the same) best interests. It is an emotional time. Finding a "screw her to the wall" attorney because of your fog filled emotional state may not truly be "in your children's (or your) best interest".

 

Thanks again.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

...but if you have a influential lawyer..and if you have some money at disposal then i don't think it's such a tough task to get the custody......

 

 

Thanks for the encouraging words.

 

**** Note to self and others **** Spend an afternoon or two in family court before you pick your lawyer.

 

I watched 3 routine cases (I guess?- according to Bailiff). 3 lawyers unprepared. Papers not worded to judges expectation. Papers (showing defendant was properly served) not on file for a no-show case. Financial statement not current. NEVER EVER go "PRO SE" = no attorney.

 

I picked my lawyer based on his relationship with the judge and court reporter. Smooth.

 

Turns out the lawyer recommended I consider another lawyer because the judge I watched was his close personal friend and he didn't try cases in front of him only ratified agreements. He advised me that the other judge was more inclined for my wife and that another lawyer would give me a chance at the previous judge.

 

I chose him anyways. He is supposed to be very good. Very reputable. I don't want this decided by a judge but I know he carries clout in and out of the courtroom.

[wrencn]

 

 

 

*** Note to self and others *** Selecting a lawyer (and his best practiced strategies) must be aligned by what your (or your children's - hopefully one and the same) best interests. It is an emotional time. Finding a "screw her to the wall" attorney because of your fog filled emotional state may not truly be "in your children's (or your) best interest".

 

Thanks again.

Very well said. Glad to hear you aren't just trying to punish her for hurting you by using the kids. I was worried for a second but I see you have your head on straight! Best of luck to you!

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Smart move....

Also if she's having affairs with criminals you want to get her far away from the kids as possible. She's not right in the head.......

 

 

I hope its a smart move.

 

see above.

 

I am having many emotional swings right now.

 

I am saddened to say that there is probably something deeply disturbed with her. Mid-life crisis, transition from a stay at home mom. I don't know. She isn't the same person I married, and unfortunately, I am. Probably after she couldn't change many of my core personality traits (which I think she wanted changed).

 

Is it my fault ? - no more than equally hers. The affairs <-- all hers 100%

 

Drop us off the horizon and look at the boys. What serves them best?

I don't necessarily agree with the tactics but I want the end result.

 

Thoughts or comments?

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I see you have your head on straight!

 

 

I definitely don't feel like anything is straight right now. I am a basket case.

 

I want the boys to be my focus. (They Are!)

 

I hope I give EVERYONE that level headed impression. Inside - I just don't feel I like I have any control. I probably don't.

 

I have opened up to a few core friends at work, and my plant manager, as to what's going on. <more on that in a moment (**++**) > They said that I am handling it amazingly well and they would have never known i have been battling this for months.

 

I feel dirty. I feel inadequate. I feel like I let my family (wife included ) down. My performance at work suffers. I keep thinking of scenarios that could happen.

 

One amazing factor that blows me away (**++**) - it turns out boyfriend number one, is employed by the same company I work for. He met my wife at a bingo hall. I think as a predator but that's my thoughts alone.

 

I have been in our wellness center at night and he is besides me on the treadmill. I know who he is. He may recognize my wife's previous car (don't know).

 

Can you imagine the pain agony and desperation that creates - to not confront him because it will not serve your children.

 

Aggghhhhhhh!

[wrencn]

Your wife is chasing a high. Drama, dysfunction and excitement. Being a SAHM can really do a number on a woman's mind. You put everyone else first, your needs come second. You start to feel "what about me? What about my needs?" These bad boys make her feel young and alive. She can escape the neediness and clinginess of children and a husband when she is with them. I'm not excusing her behavior, its just everyone (women included) often forget a mom is still a woman with needs and when you constantly put your needs/goals on the back burner it breeds resentment and contempt. Its not you, it is her.

[tank]

Keep the focus on you and your children. Dont really know how you were able to be in the same room as the OM let alone right beside him. That show your strength and convictions. Work on yourself, make yourself the best person you can be. Work on all the problems you have identified. Whats the worst that could happen? You could become more attractive to your wife and then you have the upper hand, or your better suited for your next relationship having grown from the terrible experience but being smart enough not to let it control you. Become the dad you have always wanted to be. Your children will make you laugh, and they will make you cry just with a simple question, but no matter what they will tell you they love you and they will know you were always there for them. they will know you provide the stability to their lives. I am fortunate that i have 4 beautiful children who i get to hug and kiss everyday, even my 14 yr old step son texts me every day and will tell me he loves me wether on the phone or in person, doesnt matter who is around. I have never seen so many of my childrens friends as i do now. I have become the dad that i never thought possible. You too can do this. I have stopped seeing my IC now and i am seeing my Priest. The IC helped me to identify my issues and work through them, i strongly recommend that you do this for your self. I now see my priest for the guidance going forward. This was not an easy journey for me and of late i feel like i am slipping back to ground zero, who knew that my wife could say simply "i miss you" not that she misses talking our doing things, just that she misses me. this road is long and hard. Focus on you first, then your children, in that order. If you can get yourself together, the children will recognize you and draw from you what they need to get through this time as well. I know i have been all over the place, but ihope some of it makes sense. My journey is no where near over, my wifes words have haunted me since friday, my children have noticed and they have been more cuddly, and more wanting of my time. Thats there way of saying dad, your here for us when we need it, let us be here for you when you need it. This could be the worst experience of your life, or you can find the positive and make it the best. for me, just connecting with my children, my family and my wifes family has been the best thing to happen to me so far. Please take some of what i have to say and hopefully you too will get something positive out of this tough moment

[HopelessinDTW]

Tank & Dad: I know how bad you feel. I'm in the same boat. Everyone tells me how well I'm handling all this...but inside is like a hurricane out of control. I guess the thing that keeps me going like you guys are the kids. They are very smart, and they remember all the good and bad. And so if you project positiveness & goodness, they will always associate you with that. My kids are very young ( 5&3), but I know I have to plant those seeds even at their young age. My wife has manipulated them, and told them bad things about me. I let these things just roll off of me...I never say anything about their mother that's negative, but I also am very truthful about what she does and says (i won't lie on her behalf).

 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger & better...BELIEVE IT, LIVE IT

[Binster]

I just think your doing great in dealing with this. Good luck.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

WRENCN

 

Thought I'd let you know the visitation wording on the complaint ended up being something like "Plantiff does not object to defendants visitation provide no paramours present and no unrelated overnight guests."

 

Not supervised.

 

Tank & HopelessinDTW-

You started me thing and I am going to start a new post. "Who do you focus on - yourself or the kids?"

 

Please join in that discussion.

 

 

UPDATE:

Been off-line a few days. Last week I had a nuclear stress test. Routine as a soon to be 43 yr old diabetic. Office called house early Friday afternoon. When I called the house wife mentioned my Doctor's office called and was trying to get in touch. Left no other info.

 

I call Doctors office but end up leaving a message to call my cell. No call back Friday. Monday - nothing. Monday afternoon I reach the nurse. She says they are referring me to a cardiologist because of "abnormalities" with my results. I ask for more info but she says she doesn't have any other notes. I ask if this is part 3 of the stress test? - I know not funny. Anyway waiting to get my next appointment to see what's up.

 

So here I am - dealing with all of everything else and now I have this added on-top. I can't even share my fears with the woman I reside with. More feelings of "this sucks!".

[tank]

well, why not tell your wife what is going on with you medically? are things so bad she doesnt care about you? I have been through a similar situation lately, one that had me in an ambulance and my heart stopped. The sad part is I am only 33. My wife was still there for me even though she lives with the OM. She still wants to know what is happening with my heart and she asks questions and she notices the 68lbs of weight loss. She was your wife, i am sure she will want to know if you have any medical problems. no if things are so bad and its going to be a fight during this separation/divorce, she will still find out from a family member who knows or a friend. She might feel slighted that you didnt tell her. I know who really cares what she thinks, but its just another nail in the relationship coffin. I have come to realize no matter what, i will always have to deal with my wife, so i might as well learn to keep it civil to help with my stress issues. On a side note, i got a 6 month old Alaskan Husky and when my wife was at the house for her visit yesterday (wearing short shorts and a tank top- boy she looked good) the dog jumped up on her back and she has some really nice scratch marks. She had to explain to OM that the dog did it while she was at her husbands house, just a chuckle for me this morning, she even sent me a text telling me how hard it was to explain the dog did it to him. I love that dog even more. LOL.

[Doing it Since '78]

well, why not tell your wife what is going on with you medically? are things so bad she doesnt care about you? I have been through a similar situation lately, one that had me in an ambulance and my heart stopped. The sad part is I am only 33. My wife was still there for me even though she lives with the OM. She still wants to know what is happening with my heart and she asks questions and she notices the 68lbs of weight loss. She was your wife, i am sure she will want to know if you have any medical problems. no if things are so bad and its going to be a fight during this separation/divorce, she will still find out from a family member who knows or a friend. She might feel slighted that you didnt tell her. I know who really cares what she thinks, but its just another nail in the relationship coffin. I have come to realize no matter what, i will always have to deal with my wife, so i might as well learn to keep it civil to help with my stress issues. On a side note, i got a 6 month old Alaskan Husky and when my wife was at the house for her visit yesterday (wearing short shorts and a tank top- boy she looked good) the dog jumped up on her back and she has some really nice scratch marks. She had to explain to OM that the dog did it while she was at her husbands house, just a chuckle for me this morning, she even sent me a text telling me how hard it was to explain the dog did it to him. I love that dog even more. LOL.

 

Dude you allow your wife to talk to you about how she had to explain to her boyfriend that back scratch marks came from a dog and not her own husband? You gotta get a sack bro!

 

Why allow her to run this show? Why is she allowed in your home? Are you allowed in the one she shares with her POSOM?

[tank]

well doing it, unfortunately my wife still owns part of my house and the separation agreement says she can have her 4 hr visits at my home, cant change that its filed with the court. As far as talking with her about it, she sent me a txt this morning about it, i just thought it was fu@##$% funny that he was all paranoid about it. I do have a pair, just starting to let go and not let all this get to me. I have manned up where i need to, i have set boundaries and i have taken care of not just my family but hers as well. Whats done is done, i cant change that and being resentful and hating her and him does me no good and it certainly doesnt do my family any good. He is a passing interest, i know this first hand. She gave up everything for that sucker, i am walking away with my head high, my family around me and lets see, the house, all the furnishings, 1/2 her pension, and what did she get, all the old basement furniture and the car. I did okay. So i had the balls when i needed them, now i just need to chill and let what happens, happen. Sorry for the thread jack

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

well, why not tell your wife what is going on with you medically? are things so bad she doesnt care about you? .....She was your wife, i am sure she will want to know if you have any medical problems. no if things are so bad and its going to be a fight during this separation/divorce, she will still find out from a family member who knows or a friend. She might feel slighted that you didnt tell her. I know who really cares what she thinks, but its just another nail in the relationship coffin. I have come to realize no matter what, i will always have to deal with my wife, so i might as well learn to keep it civil to help with my stress issues.

 

SPITE!

 

I guess part of me wants to "nail the relationship coffin" shut and be done. I think how much more regret she will feel if something bad were to happen.

 

I am ANGRY that this is where I am today - in a failed marriage.

 

I turned 43 today.

 

After passing her several times this morning I got a feeble "happy birthday" to which I pissed her off when I laughed at the statement.

NOTE TO SELF < REMEMBER the 180 principals - REMEMBER the 180 principals >.

 

But I had to find her and voice my emotions. It's my birthday - I'll cry (yell and complain) if I want to.

 

How can someone so flippantly wish you a happy anything after they made a choice which they should/must have known would devastate you?

 

 

I know your advice is correct (about her being in my life forever) but DAMMIT! I don't want to create an opportunity to feel anything which reminds me of love from her. It is to painful and confusing.

 

I need another dog. My STBXW and I still grieve the loss of our beloved companion for over 14 years. It's funny (unusual type of funny) but thinking back ... after she (our dog) passed, things really started going bad between wife and I.

Edited August 12, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys