freshstart78 Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I'll try to keep this short so please ask questions if you need clarification! My boyfriend and I are in college have been dating for a little over a year. I'm a doting and romantic girlfriend, and I love to cook dinners for him, surprise him with little gifts, send him love letters through the mail, send e-cards before big tests...anything to show him how much I love him. Recently, though, I've felt more and more like it's completely one-sided. I know he cares about me, and he does help me out when I need it--like helping me move out of my apartment last semester. He is in no way a bad boyfriend. But despite many attempts and talking and explaining that I feel like I deserve a little more thought and effort, there has still been no change in that department. For our one year anniversary, yes he took me out to dinner, but couldn't even get me a card. I'm currently on my third night in the hospital from a painful bacterial infection and yes, he stayed over with me one night, but watched as other friends brought over flowers and cards, unable to do anything like that himself. Am I being needy/pushy/greedy by demanding little bits of affection and attention and love (because sometimes it can be so hard for him to say the words that can be so easily outlined in a card) or should I learn to accept his more physical actions as those bits of love that I so badly crave? The lack of little gestures/cards/etc. on his part discourages me from wanting to do the sweet gestures for him, because it makes me feel foolish to do them all the time with no response and I hate that I'm losing the loving part of me that I was the most proud of. To settle or not?
motive2002 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Actions speak louder than words, or cards, or little romantic gestures. My Dad for example was very thin on affection for many years, but it was the way he took care of his family, and provided himself as a steady rock of assurance and that everything would be ok is what told us that he loved us. A lot of men simply have a different way of expressing it. Did my dad cook or do dishes, or get random little cards etc? No. Did he work hard, provide for his family, fix things around the house and provide a shoulder to lean on during hard times? Absolutely. I think my mom would have loved it if he made more romantic gestures, but she was happy that he took very good care of her in other ways. he may appreciate the things you do for him even if he doesn't outwardly show it. He just does it in a different way is all.
dispatch3d Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 (edited) in generally it's a bad idea to shower girls with gifts. He probably knows that. Even if you THINK he should be doing that he really shouldn't. You could suggest he does random nice things for you. That's definitely fine and dandy. If he just constantly sends you flowers etc. like once/week then it's going to kill the relationship. The women is the nurture, the guy is the provider. If he starts doing the exact same things you're doing, he'll look really feminim and not be as attractive. You could almost always say, well he took me out to dinner but didn't get me a card. And if he got you a card, you could say he took me out to dinner+got me a card but didn't get me flowers. etc. etc. If you are complaining after you receive a gift/help then this is REALLY the wrong thing to be doing and you need to stop. ie. If while he was taking care of you when you got sick, you started complaining about how he isn't buying you flowers, this would be really bad. You would be discouraging good behaviour, rather than rewarding it. and yeah human interaction really is as simple as they make it out to be on the office. and excellent recent example I have of this kinda ****. My x-roomate wanted us to clean more. Everytime we started to clean, he'd start complaining MORE about how we never clean/missed something/etc. Pretty soon noone EVER cleaned around him because they didn't want to have to put up with the bull****. Edited August 2, 2010 by dispatch3d
D-Lish Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 His actions are important, not whether or not he gives you cards and flowers. He stayed overnight with you in the hospital... I'd say that's pretty damn special. He's not likely to change, so I'd learn how to appreciate the things he does do that shows you he cares- like taking you to dinner for your anni, helping you move, and staying overnight in the hospital for you. I don't know why you want to split hairs over cards and flowers on top of those gestures. These ARE the ways a guy shows his love! Start looking at these gestures and being more appreciative of them. Think about it, a young guy that is willing to sit in the hospital with you overnight is making a far more important and caring gesture than a friend that picks up flowers and a card at the hospital giftshop, and goes home after 20 min. I Don't know why you'd want to "with hold" affection from him because you resent that he isn't as romantic as you want him to be. He's just being who he is, and trying to be a good bf the best way he knows how. I think that withdrawing affection out of resentment is a bit of a immature reaction. You might have to come to terms that this guy isn't going to be the sappy "card and flower guy"- he's going to be the "stand up to the plate when you need me guy". I know which guy I'd appreciate more.
AverageJoe Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Very high mantainance. "Am I being needy/pushy/greedy by demanding" Yes. In summation you are the kind of gal that puts an itch in the back of my throat that only a .45 caliber could scratch. Cut the guy some slack.
Sabali Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Don't ever think about changing positive things about yourself because someone else doesn't reciprocate your actions. Hopefully, you do what you do because you have a good heart. One day, that young man will likely base his maturity level and relationship insight on what he learns from you. He may not express himself in the ways you do but this does not make him a bad boyfriend. As said above, staying with you throughout the night while you are in the hospital is a huge demonstration that he is supportive and he cares for you. Most men just are not as good as women with cards, letters, and surprise gifts. If you were to date more men, you will see this. I would not do it in a condescending manner but view yourself as being a relationship role model for him. As he grow older, he will look back onto these times and say "damn, I had a great woman" and he will love and respect you for it. I am willing to bet that those memories will shape him into an even better man.
lso802 Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 It's not demanding, if you're with the right person IMO. Some people do it naturally without thinking and some don't. Maybe it's time to reconsider your relationship, because you two seem to have different ways of communicating affection that you both may not understand.
dispatch3d Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 doing things and expecting something back in return is supplication. It's about that simple. If you are doing stuff for him in the EXPECTATION of something being returned, you need to stop. Guys buying you drinks, giving you rides for no reason, etc. same difference.
that girl Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 Freshstart- Other than the gifts, do you feel cared about, respected, and taken care of? If you do, then you can try to give him very specific instructions. Like after he is all impressed by the great gift you got him, tell him how you're glad it made him happy and if he's ever looking to make you happy like that, to buy you gerber daises which you absolutely love. I think a lot of women make the mistake of not flat out saying what they want. If you haven't done that and he is otherwise a great guy, make what you want clear. If that doesn't work, you either have to live with it or break up with him. And there isn't anything wrong with either option, you have to do what makes you happy. Maybe it wouldn't bother you so much if you weren't making such an effort. I would not do it in a condescending manner but view yourself as being a relationship role model for him. As he grow older, he will look back onto these times and say "damn, I had a great woman" and he will love and respect you for it. I am willing to bet that those memories will shape him into an even better man. This sounds awful to me. Who would want to be the girl who got a so-so boyfriend only to find out how awesome he is for someone else? Jeez, if this is what you're down to on his pro list, dump him. Very high mantainance. "Am I being needy/pushy/greedy by demanding" Yes. No, she isn't. What she wants is someone who treats her the way she treats him. I don't think anyone should keep score or expect to get everything back equally, but a big difference between what someone is giving and what they are getting is not cool. in generally it's a bad idea to shower girls with gifts. He probably knows that. Even if you THINK he should be doing that he really shouldn't. Not only is this game playing, it is dumb game playing. People leave when they feel taken advantage of. It is one thing if this guy is too inexperienced to think "Hey, my girlfriend always makes sure to get me little gifts, I should return the favor." It is another thing if he is thinking "I will not buy her gifts, then she will think of me as feminine and weak."
Els Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 H Think about it, a young guy that is willing to sit in the hospital with you overnight is making a far more important and caring gesture than a friend that picks up flowers and a card at the hospital giftshop, and goes home after 20 min. Seconded. I know it'd be cool to have a Mr. Perfect who would take care of you in all the ways that your bf is already doing, PLUS send you handmade cards, make a scrapbook of all the things you guys have done together, buy you special birthday gifts, etc... But nobody is perfect, not even you. To me, what your guy is doing is fine in itself. You have to decide for yourself how important the cards and other gestures are to you.
Author freshstart78 Posted August 2, 2010 Author Posted August 2, 2010 Thanks so much for all of the feedback! Although some of you made me feel like a horrible selfish, bey-otch! I guess I should clarify...I don't want to withhold doing nice things for him because I don't get them in return...but instead because he doesn't seem to appreciate those either. We must just really have different ways of expressing our feelings. On said anniversary, for example, I had been really looking forward to getting to that landmark because that's my longest relationship. It was important to me to feel how important it was for him too (especially since his longest was 3+ years) and he knew that I felt that way. So not only did I not get a card from him, with any written words about his feelings, but after he ready my long love letter and watched this slideshow I made him, he didn't have a single thing to say. He folded the letter up and said thank you and that was that. So times like that make me not want to do anything again in the future, because not only is he not returning certain actions, but making me feel foolish for putting my feelings out there in the first place, which I shouldn't after we've been together so long. I can't understand how someone I'm so comfortable with can also make me feel so insecure. The week of our anniversary, I remade him the first dinner I ever cooked for him. right down to the cheesecake, and he couldn't even ask if I needed help cleaning up the dishes. Just things like that, you know! I appreciate him staying the night in the hospital, I just need to know if he cared about my (yes, maybe overly feminine, needy) emotions, would he be trying a tiny bit harder? He works as a waiter right next door to a CVS and leaves each day with a pocketful of cash. WHY doesn't it cross his mind to pop in to get a 99 cent card, just to see his feelings written out since he has a hard time saying them!? But with both no words AND no gestures, that's where I'm left confused.
Sabali Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 I guess I should clarify...I don't want to withhold doing nice things for him because I don't get them in return...but instead because he doesn't seem to appreciate those either. We must just really have different ways of expressing our feelings. On said anniversary, for example, I had been really looking forward to getting to that landmark because that's my longest relationship. It was important to me to feel how important it was for him too (especially since his longest was 3+ years) and he knew that I felt that way. So not only did I not get a card from him, with any written words about his feelings, but after he ready my long love letter and watched this slideshow I made him, he didn't have a single thing to say. He folded the letter up and said thank you and that was that. The week of our anniversary, I remade him the first dinner I ever cooked for him. right down to the cheesecake, and he couldn't even ask if I needed help cleaning up the dishes. Just things like that, you know! I appreciate him staying the night in the hospital, I just need to know if he cared about my (yes, maybe overly feminine, needy) emotions, would he be trying a tiny bit harder? . Here is what you do: Dump him for me! Come on, girlfriend, I can not appreciate you better than him! Why don't you tell us some of his good points now. Don't just drag the guy through the mud without cleaning him off a bit. What do you really like about him? He still doesn't sound like a bad guy.
crimsonmike Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 People have different personallity types. He is likely one of those people who tons of emotion and affection is just not in him. That doesn't mean he is a bad person. Hell, he stayed with you all night in the hospital. Showing lots of affection makes some people extremely uncomfortable. You're being pretty needy, imo. If you have a partner who is there for you when the chips are down, who gives a crap if he sends flowers and writes you little notes?
flying Posted August 2, 2010 Posted August 2, 2010 But with both no words AND no gestures, that's where I'm left confused. Well...but he is making gestures - just not the ones you wish he was making. I'm not trying to say I think you're selfish; I actually know where you're coming from. It sounds like what you're describing is kind of a Five Love Languages thing (perhaps you should check out that book) - people express their love in different ways, and misunderstandings happen when one partner expects their partner to express love in the way that s/he does. That leads not only to disappointment, but also prevents that partner from seeing the other person's gestures for what they are - just another way to show love. I do think that, if you made him a slideshow and wrote him a love letter, he should be able to express appreciation for that - just as you should be able to express appreciation for the things he does. It's a matter of communication - why not just tell him you need to hear him verbalize a bit more? But at the same time, start thinking about the things he does do for you. In fact, instead of dwelling on how much you wish he'd do certain things, spend some time focusing on and appreciating ways in which he does show he cares - I suspect there are more than you've said here. If it does turn out that the balance is way, way off - that's another issue. But anyone who stays overnight in a hospital room with his sick GF is probably keeping up his end - it just might take some reflection to think about how he does show his love for you.
dispatch3d Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 So since your counter-arguement is FILLED CHALK FULL of examples of what I had predicted I decided to outline them for you. Things with :love:between them like this:love: denote the action you did expecting to get something in return (ie. the supplicating). Then, I outline the part where you don't get something in return like this to show the part where you feel he didn't return the favour. You are giving things with the expectation of something being returned. Just like I outlined above. If you want me to switch to nice half truths I can and maybe that will offend you less? I'd assume it will. I think my approach may actually fix things. Assuming I'm making you feel like **** ;-). Thanks so much for all of the feedback! Although some of you made me feel like a horrible selfish, bey-otch! I guess I should clarify...I don't want to withhold doing nice things for him because I don't get them in return...but instead because he doesn't seem to appreciate those either. We must just really have different ways of expressing our feelings. On said anniversary, for example, I had been really looking forward to getting to that landmark because that's my longest relationship. It was important to me to feel how important it was for him too (especially since his longest was 3+ years) and he knew that I felt that way. :(So not only did I not get a card from him:(, with any written words about his feelings, but after he ready my long love letter and watched this slideshow I made him:love:, he didn't have a single thing to say. He folded the letter up and said thank you and that was that. So times like that make me not :love:want to do anything again:love: in the future, because not only is he not returning certain actions:(, but making me feel foolish for putting my feelings out there in the first place, which I shouldn't after we've been together so long. I can't understand how someone I'm so comfortable with can also make me feel so insecure. The week of our anniversary, :love:I remade him the first dinner I ever cooked for him:love:. right down to the cheesecake, and :(he couldn't even ask if I needed help cleaning up the dishes:(. Just things like that, you know! I appreciate him staying the night in the hospital, I just need to know if he cared about my (yes, maybe overly feminine, needy) emotions, would he be trying a tiny bit harder? He works as a waiter right next door to a CVS and leaves each day with a pocketful of cash. WHY doesn't it cross his mind to pop in to get a 99 cent card, just to see his feelings written out since he has a hard time saying them!? But with both no words AND no gestures, that's where I'm left confused.
dispatch3d Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 This isn't to say you can't get him to do the dishes for you after you cook supper or whatever. That isn't the true problem. The problem is you're saying, well I did A for him so he should do B for me. Really it should just be, I'd appreciate if you did B for me. I think I'd really like that and it would make me happy. The two are COMPLETELY different. The way you go about doing things is often more important than what you are doing.
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