I intensely dislike my sister in law- am I being overly critical of her?

[sally4sara]

A smug trivial matter? Really, is that how you see it? So you can understand the devisive nature of religion yet you can't see the same for having genes iin common. So, if her main problem was religion then why would she not tell her kids to be wary of their father or their grandfather, who practice their faith? Why is it just me and my mum? It's because we aren't full blooded relations, which is her main problem with me.

 

So you would tell your kids that they should steer clear of someone not because of their religion but because of the issue of genes?

 

I don't think so somehow. Most of you on here amaze me by using religion as being the main reason that things are wrong between us. Perhaps if we were atheists you would swiftly change your tune and say it's because we don't have a core belief system that we have these problems. As I have said MANY MANY times. RELIGION IS NOT THE ISSUE!!!!!!!!!

 

But since you all want it to be..... No, she was not forced to convert and we offered her much support by way of learning but she didn't want it. She wanted to convert in name and still practice her faith of choice and I find that insulting to both the religion you are converting to and the one you actually believe in.

 

The only thing I wanted I wanted to know about on here was whether you laid importance on being a full blooded relation. e.g would you love one person more because he/she was genetically related to you more than one who only had half the genes in common or was even adopted etc?

 

Clearly you're also all about blood relations. You couldn't see the importance in her brother's engagement party in comparison to your graduation. Why would that be if you don't feel the same about blood relations?

And considering that your parents would feel hurt over your brother knowing his real mom even though he is past the age of being effected by any shortcomings she may or may not have had as a mother, you can compound the whole family loyalty expectations with the desire to keep yourselves removed from others you don't accept. Even if the woman was a bad mother to small children - that concern is part the point of being applicable. Yet, your family would still be "hurt" by it?

So it also indicates that your brother places an importance on blood relations. He sought to create a relationship with is real mom in spite of your family's wishes.

All it amounts to is that your brother is pressured to be two different people by his "core" family. Is that love?

 

But sure, its all your sister in laws fault. Right. If that isn't the biggest indication that you also highly prize blood relations over non blood relations, I don't know what is.

[RedDevil66]

Red Devil, what the hell are you talking about?!

 

"yeah, and I am SURE the muslim courts were fair to a women suspected of cheating. The court probably went on your Dad's word alone, since the males word is golden amongst muslim men! This is why muslim women are stoned to death for APPARENTLY cheating on their spouse."

 

I don't really know if you intentionally being religiously ignorant (and racist) or it's just the way you were raised. But you can't talk to me about stereotypes and religion when you make comments like the one above.

 

What muslim court? My dad was in a UK court and I am sure that they didn't take into account his religious background but based it more on facts, like whether he was the more suitable parent and she (his former wife) admitted that she had been unfaithful and relinquished all ties to her son, did the court force her to do that too? As for those saying that I am going on heresay, my dad has a folder full of old documents, which I happened to come across with his old divorce papers. If I didn't trust the word of my parents then at least I have the paper as my proof. So are you now going to say that UK courts also go on the word of muslim men and that because his previous wife cheated they sentenced her to being stoned to death? Because I can assure you they don't and she is alive and well.

 

Please at least make intelligent replies and do not speak of things that you obviously have no knowledge of.

 

I didn't realize you were in the UK. And you also didn't mention she cut all ties with her son.

I'm far from ignorant, I was just going on the info you supplied.

 

The Uk doesn't stone women because they are civilized. But women in muslim countries are stoned to death for cheating.

[snoodlebug]

I have never said that it is all my sister in law's fault. However, it isn't all mine or my families either. As I said before, it is a two way street.

 

I am not all about blood relations as in I don't lay my decision on loving someone based on whether they are more related to me than someone else. But she seemingly does as she has instructed her kids to.

 

I think NoraJane was right and I should sit and down and explain to my brother that I do know about him being my half brother and explain that it doesn't bother me like I hope it doesn't bother him. If we had been like that from the start then I could at least be open with sister in law and tell her that I wasn't alright with her saying that the kids shouldn't really love me as much cos I am not "Real family" as it doesn't bother me and that she can fault me for many things but not that.

 

As for her brothers engagement, it wasn't an engagment party, he had called to say he had just gotten engaged and yet she insisted that my brother go with her to congratulate him, as if this couldn't be done on any other day or even after the graduation- they don't last that long you know!

 

I know it seems that I am being the unreasonable bitch here but my brother goes along with her for things like that because she says that she will leave him if he doesn't. So you know what I can handle him not being at my graduation because as long as his marriage stays in tact then I can live with it.

 

I haven't told you most of the stuff that she has done but then I suppose she could tell you loads of stuff that I have done to her too. Like I said, two way street. This forum was just a way for me to vent my frustrations about her in one place without the worry of my family finding out. I doubt that I am the only person in the world on indeed in this online community who does that. It's easier to be more candid with people you don't know.

[snoodlebug]

Red Devil, if you went back and re read some of my earlier posts you would notice that I did in fact mention these things.

[brainygirl]

OP- you can claim racism or religous bigotry all you want, but the fact that two people guessed your religeon without you mentioning it should tell you that maybe there are people who've encountered enough muslim people to be familiar with it.

 

I never accused you of being a terrorist, nor would I.

 

But the fact remains that it takes a lot of gall to go into another person's home and complain about the housekeeping. It seems like you just don't like the woman. And you know what, its ok to just not like her.

 

But don't tell yourself that she's a bad person and you are better than her because of all these things, and its not ok to interfere in your brother's relationship or with their kids. It ultimately isn't your or your family's business how the home is kept, the kids raised, who they visit or what they tell you about it.

[snoodlebug]

Brainygirl, you need to read my posts again because I have never entered her house and made comments about her housekeeping. I have thoughts to myself about her housekeeping and don't pretend for one second that you wouldn't or haven't done the same in someone else's home. We all react to something that is different to ourselves. And just because we pick up on something doesn't make us bad and wrong. If someone lives like a pig then you are not necessarily at fault for thinking it. Now, If you were to bring it to that person's attention, then perhaps that could be seen as poor taste.

 

As for your evidence of me crying false bigotry, if you look at your post and some others, you are the ones that have made a bigger issue about religion than I ever did.

 

It seems to me that YOU are the one with the religious hang up especially those concerned with Muslims and one poster thought I was Catholic. I had never intended to make this into a religious debate but since you seem to be goading me with your overwhelming evidence that muslims are bad and backward and people who can't just let other people be, I will tell you a little more about it.

 

You met some bad muslims. Muslims who are a little too paranoid and didnt want their kids to associate with yours and what? Now you believe therefore, that I as a muslim also have this problem. If I had not put down in my first post that religion is a big part of my life then I really doubt I would be getting all these comments about how religion is bad and Muslim's in particular are the trouble-makers.

 

If someone is openly religious then they must obviously be either Muslim or Catholic, right?

 

A lot of you have accused me of being smug in posts and over critical of my sister in law and I have admitted that there are things about her that irk me, just as there are things about me that most likely get on her nerves. I have never denied that nor have I made myself out to be a saint since I have admitted that our relationship is a two way street. I came on here because I wanted opinions on one specific thing e.g. the kids thinking that it is not alright to care for people as much if they are not your "real" family. Yet most of you in here have created a place where it's always my fault or the fault of religion. Just as one poster said, my sister in law can't always be at fault and I don't pretend that she is.

 

Yeah, I will get more posts about how I still don't get that I am wrong and that my religion has told me that all others are inferior to my faith.

 

If any of you bothered to actually learn a little more about Islam and not focus on the customs of places like Saudi Arabia and the like then you would realise that you are just blatantly wrong. Try broadening your horizons a little more and understand that not every islamic country is an infringer of human rights. No religion has the right to claim superiority to another and I have NEVER presumed that my belief is right over someone else's. I also have never made snide remarks about a person's belief because I wouldn't want someone to mock mine. Some of you think I look down at her for her different faith and I can say it till I'm blue in the face that I don't but I doubt you would believe me.

 

I myself am getting married to a person that is of a different religion, he's episcopalian, do I look down on him? No. None of you seem to get this isn't about religion though you would like it to be and think I am simply in denial.

 

One poster here, Red Devil666 also proclaimed that UK would never stone a woman to death because it is civilised. I don't disagree with the notion that UK would never do such a thing but you have just lumped all Muslim nations into one sweeping generalisation. Why is the UK civilised? Because it's Christian or Jewish or Hindu or Agnostic or Atheist? Because it's not, you have people of all faiths and belief systems. Arab's tend to live in a closed minded world (I have witnessed it first hand) and your "facts" for Islam being a "bad" religion is based on their cultural way of doing things and not necessarily the truth.

 

I have come to realise that most (not all) of you, have equated my grievances with my sister in law as being a byproduct of my religious superiority yet a lot of you have said that you are agnostic or you don't believe in God and that's fine; yet you would make fun or look down your noses at someone who does or someone who believes in a religion that you aren't entirely comfortable with. You have had either limited experience of muslims or you read or watched something about them and suddenly everyone is an expert in Islam.

 

I have never in my life experienced this brand of ignorant bigotry in my life- call me a spoiled brat if you want, call me a kid who needs to learn to get along with my sister in law but do not presume to know anything about my faith. Not every muslim believes in the same thing and I am not talking about different sects. I am talking about whether you believe in god being vengeful or being a guy with a beard and a flowing robe or just pure energy. I tend to believe in the latter. However, other muslims would probably berate me for that. NOT EVERY MUSLIM IS THE SAME. You pegged me as a muslim, therefore you now think you got the muslim radar- you can spot one a mile off.

 

I suggest that a lot of you look at your own personal views of the people around you. Ironic really, that you have all been telling me to stop being so judgemental of my sister in law when really you can't let go of your own prejudices about certain religions.

Edited August 1, 2010 by snoodlebug

[linwood]

A smug trivial matter? Really, is that how you see it? So you can understand the devisive nature of religion yet you can't see the same for having genes iin common.

 

Genetic connections mean nothing to me.

If there is one thing I`ve learned it`s that blood is not thicker than water.

 

So, if her main problem was religion then why would she not tell her kids to be wary of their father or their grandfather, who practice their faith? Why is it just me and my mum? It's because we aren't full blooded relations, which is her main problem with me.

 

I never said her problem was religion.

It seems religion is a problem with everyone involved.

I was just pointing out how sad it is that religion so often pushes people apart for no real reason beyond the arbitrary beliefs that one knows god better than the other when in truth no one knows god at all.

 

So you would tell your kids that they should steer clear of someone not because of their religion but because of the issue of genes?

 

You assume too much.

I have often told my children to be wary of religious folks but as I`ve said genetic bloodlines mean nothing to me.

I have indeed told my child her blood relatives are not her "real" family because in my mind family does not judge each other according to trivial traditions.

Your "real" family are the people who love and care for you in spite of and because of your differences.

Blood has nothing to do with it.

 

I hold my family higher than any god man has conceived of.

Hell I hold my pets higher than any god man has conceived of.

 

Your SIL most probably believes you are not her "real" family because you judge her harshly over trivial matters.

Who would want their children to offer respect to people who hold no respect for them?

What child would respect people who held their mother in such contempt?

 

I don't think so somehow. Most of you on here amaze me by using religion as being the main reason that things are wrong between us. Perhaps if we were atheists you would swiftly change your tune and say it's because we don't have a core belief system that we have these problems.

 

Actually if you were atheists at least half of your troubles with your SIL wouldn`t even exist.

 

As I have said MANY MANY times. RELIGION IS NOT THE ISSUE!!!!!!!!!

 

You are the one who brought religion into the OP.

Your first post shows that religion is at least part of the issue and you continue to harp about your SIL`s lack of respect for your beliefs.

 

But since you all want it to be..... No, she was not forced to convert and we offered her much support by way of learning but she didn't want it. She wanted to convert in name and still practice her faith of choice and I find that insulting to both the religion you are converting to and the one you actually believe in.

 

Ahh..so apparently religion is part of the basis for your lack of respect for your SIL.

 

The only thing I wanted I wanted to know about on here was whether you laid importance on being a full blooded relation. e.g would you love one person more because he/she was genetically related to you more than one who only had half the genes in common or was even adopted etc?

 

Not at all, I love those who respect me and care for me, those who have earned my love.

Bloodline has nothing at all to do with who I love.

[Citizen Erased]

It is a real sad state of affairs when a Muslim person cannot even post on an anonymous message board without being attacked and generalized based on their religion. I feel for you, Snoodlebug. This thread has turned quite ugly.

Agreed. Her religion to me is a non-issue, culture issues or whatever, I think a lot of the things she has listed are none of her business. BUT, she is also right tht her SIL is wrong for denying her true relationship to her nieces/nephews.

[D-Lish]

Look, you brought up the issue of religion in your initial post- you said your family didn't want to accept her at first because she didn't have the same religious affiliations. You also made a point of saying that although she converted for your family, that you didn't see her practicing. This obviously bothers you and is a part of why you don't like your sil, or you simply would not have mentioned religion in your thread at all.

 

Of course people reading your post will think this is relevant to the discussion. If it wasn't relevant to you, why did you feel the need to mention it?

 

How do you know your sil says these things to her children?

Your family has obvious always had issues with her- and you and your mother set the foundation for your bad relationship with her in the beginning when you refused to accept her because of her religion. People seldom forget that kind of mean treatment.

 

 

Where is your brother in all this?

What does he say about it?

[AmEricanWomann]

I find it fascinating how so many threads, no matter what the subject matter often wind up taking the same path.

Original poster is involved in a situation, gives their side of the situation, asks for advice and other people's opinions, then argues with everyone who disagrees with them.

 

As soon as I read the original post, I knew exactly what was going to happen.

People were going to say that the author was judgmental, wrong and should butt out of her sister in law's life and she was going to argue and say that they didn't read her post correctly, they were wrong, they didn't understand...blah blah blah

It seems that people don't really want opinions or advice, rather they just want their point of view validated and if it doesnt happen, they get mad, blame the responders and play the victim. "Oh woe is me, nobody understands me, everyone is attacking me...SOB"

 

OP, I know you don't really want my advice or opinion, but since you asked, I'll give it to you.

You are wrong..you are judgemental, you are smug, superior acting and your sister in law's life or religious beliefs are none of your business!

You say you didn't want to make this about religion...well then you shouldn't have brought up the subject!

 

She has a right to raise her children any damn way she wants as long as she's not subjecting them to neglect or abuse.

She has a right to practice any religion she wants. She was under duress from your family to convert, so she tried, but I don't blame her for turning her back on it. Oh and again, just in case you didn't get it the first time. The religion that SHE practices is none of your business! How she raises her kids is NONE of your business. And just so you know, my reading comprehension is fine...I don't need to go back and read your original post. You may not like what I'm saying, but I understood what you wrote perfectly.

[AVR1962]

Snoodlebug, your sister-in-law sounds like a real gem! Seems families always have someone that likes to create trouble and someone who feels they have been dealt a bad deal in life. There's pretty much little you can do but if you are close to your neices maybe try to explain to them in terms that they might underetsand how they have 2 Gmas.

[BlackLovely]

It is a real sad state of affairs when a Muslim person cannot even post on an anonymous message board without being attacked and generalized based on their religion. I feel for you, Snoodlebug. This thread has turned quite ugly.[/QUOTE]

 

I have decided to drastically diminish the amount of posts I make; Loveshack is unfortunately filled with ignorance and hatred. I am sorely disgusted by the number of ugly and demeaning threads on here. Life is too short for so much hostility.

 

I think that people are forgetting the power of social conditioning. The OP has been programmed to believe that conformity is the only way.

 

Nosy in laws are a pain to deal with, my fiance has an overbearing and controlling mother-in-law. I would encourage the OP to remember that she cannot control others, only herself.

[Eve]

What Norajane said makes sense to me. I would just learn how to block the other posters they pretty much always give the same message to all people of faith. I call them internet athiests.

 

OP, talk to your brother. As long as these women are kind him and to the children all is well. If he is being used by either of these woman he will need you in one way or another but in terms of someone to really talk to.

 

Look, I do not like my sister in law because I know she bitches about me not being uber clean. I find it hard to keep on top of things and work and run a business. Since she mellowed a bit we have ben getting on better but we will never be close close, if you know what I mean but we still share time together every now and then

 

All in all, what matters is how bro and the kids are dealing with things.

 

However, I would be concerned by anyone who has had children removed being in contact with children and would want to know that she is a safe person to now be around. Practically a call to Social Care could clear that up. They would have been involved at some level and kep records for 75 years.

 

I really like people of the Hindu faith. The idolatory thing used to bother me until a better informed person told me that they burn all their idols once a year as a form of respect to God. I dont know, people are people, faith is faith. Just talk to the woman one on one and give her a fresh chance.

 

If she is one of those trouble making types who just enjoys drama.. just see bro and the kids and smile through the odd family event. That is just what many of us have to do!

 

Do not stop posting because of the crew who hate God. They have their isues too. Sometimes they have some good ideas though if you can get past their vindictiveness.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[FearandLoathing]

It's obvious to me that this woman has picked up on the fact that you and your mother do not like her, for whatever reasons.

Although you may say this is not about religion, this is exactly what it's about as that's where all of this began. By forcing this woman to convert to your religion, no matter what it is, she has obviously built up a resentment toward you guys.

Aren't you able to tell when someone doesn't like you? You may not have directly told her all the stuff you don't like about her, but she surely knows and therefore wants nothing to do with you.

It may be slightly harsh to tell her children that you are not family, but I can understand her wanting to protect them from people who she perceives to be judgmental and unkind.

Unfortunately it's none of your business and I would stop worrying about her so much, you're not the one who's married to her.

 

I realize this thread is a few days old, but I couldn't resist adding a comment.

[harmfulsweetz]

Hm. The main thing I've picked up on is that you clearly hold grievances over the fact that she hasn't converted to your religion. It's clear from the original post. Deny it if you will, but I think the fact that it's so heavily mentioned in your first post, speaks volumes. I would like to wonder what would you do if you were engaged to be married to a man of a different faith, his family requests (or more like demands) you convert, how would you feel to give up and throw away the teachings of your life?

 

She clearly knows you dislike her and well, I don't exactly blame her for distancing from you all. She makes him happy, she looks after the kids, and that should be enough. Sadly, for many folk, that isn't enough for the in-laws.

[D-Lish]

When I was 11 years old, my brother got married to a woman that my parents deeply disapproved of because she was not of the same faith and background as us (I know it's a lousy reason to not approve of someone), anyway, my brother swayed my parents round, albeit reluctantly, by saying that she would adopt our ways and would convert, which she did but as time went by we began to realise that she was a convert in name only as she didn't practise our ways at all. However, my parents are reasonable people and understood that it would be difficult for her to renounce her old faith and her ways and were happy for her to carry on with her old customs if only she would show some desire to learn our ways- long story short, she didn't.

 

 

OP, these are your own words- this is what you opened with in your initial post! Now you are claiming this has nothing to do with religion- but your OWN words say otherwise!!

 

My ex's family were Catholic, and his mother treated me so poorly in the beginning because I was an Atheist. I never forgot that, and it led to a resentful relationship between us. She mentioned her displeasure of my belief system within 15 minutes of meeting me.

 

I was willing to make some concessions to appease them- but I wasn't about to adopt their religious ideology just because they didn't want me around if I didn't.

 

Maybe you don't get how hurtful that judgement and lack of acceptance impacted your sis-in-law and set the precedence for a resentful and rocky future.

 

I could care less what religion you are- but the fact that your parents judged her on the basis that she didn't share your religious beliefs IS relevant and significant in this discussion. It might have a lot to do with why your sis-in-law hasn't exactly warmed up to any of you. She adopted aspects of your faith, she made a concerted effort to change for your family- but it wasn't good enough for you. No one even recognized that as a monumental step on her behalf- you just continued to critisize her for still not doing ENOUGH of what you wanted her to do.

 

Had she been of the same faith as you, your mother never would have started out the relationship with her on a bad foot, and if she had have had the capacity for acceptance in the beginning- maybe your sis-in-law wouldn't be carrying the weight of that harsh judgement now. Things might be different.

 

You mentioned before that Atheists don't have core values- you couldn't be more wrong. Atheists have a belief system and core values just like everyone else.

[blackstars]

I suspect Muslim and yes, this is common in that religion to think their religion is better than any other.

 

I'm of no religion and believe religion is about control alone. If this persons religion were superior and or loving, she and her family would accept anyone into their lives as long as they are loving.

 

I was compelled to register and make this post after reading this, so I will say just this:

 

 

If I believed my religion wasn't the best, why would I follow my faith? :S

Makes no god damn sense. Hint: If I am Muslims and believed Christianity was better, why on earth would I choose to be Muslim :S

 

Bloody idiots.