melodymatters Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I think if you are a cuddler and he is not, then that is a dealbreaker. It would be for me (I'm a cuddler). Indeed ! Agree 100%. It's awful when you are wired to seek and give comfort and love that way and your partner acts like your a spider who just dropped on his back when you touch him ! One of my major loves was like that and we are still close friends, but I don't have to be hurt and dissapointed when he doesn't cuddle nowadays ! Move on, open your preferences away from strictly mideastern men and find somone warm and passionate like yourself !
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I think if you are a cuddler and he is not, then that is a dealbreaker. It would be for me (I'm a cuddler). For me too. I like cuddling and lots of non-sexual physical affection.
WintersNightTraveler Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 How "badly" was his friend doing? If it's really badly, then you screwed up with the passive aggressive thing. By "really badly" I mean, he's in the hospital, or something is really emotionally wrong (suicidal, losing his job due to something, death in the family, substance abuse requiring assistance, etc). If he blew you off because his friend felt a bit bummed and wanted some guy time or whatever then he screwed up. If you don't know what was wrong with the friend, who knows, although I would say in that situation you should have given benefit of the doubt. Either way though it seems like it's over to me, since either screw up is kind of a doozy this early. Agree on the cuddle disconnect. Not a good sign. Good luck, sorry it's rough. Also sorry if I missed this detail in the long thread.
Author tigressA Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I didn't know that there were extra posts until I just looked; I thought I'd update. C didn't call, and yesterday I'd sent him a kiss-off email, ending it with something like "I'm done with this, have a nice life." I didn't expect him to respond, but he did, a couple hours later. He said he was sorry, blah blah, "stay cool". Then I thought about it for a little while, said, "Oh, f*ck it" and responded back. This time I really opened up, just completely put myself out there. That's what I wanted to do in the first email, but I was too afraid. I figured I had nothing to lose at this point. I wrote: "I think I understand our situation perfectly. We're both self-centered people. We haven't ever been able to totally understand each other because we're already so convinced that the other couldn't possibly understand us. We're both too busy analyzing each other's words and actions instead of looking to ourselves to see where we could improve, and work together. When did we ever communicate effectively? Almost every time we were together we ended up arguing about something. And it was both of us who made that happen, not one or the other. I wish it hadn't been like that. I thought that I really liked you. I think we both went about this in the wrong way. It made me sad because I thought we were getting somewhere on Friday. I thought things had gone really well with us that night. I acknowledge that I could have communicated with you better on Saturday, and that was where things went wrong, and I'm sorry for that. I should have at least told you that yes, I had a lot on my mind, but I just didn't want to talk about it then. But I didn't, we were both unhappy; we were both too full of pride to apologize. My pride held me back from calling you right away and telling you I was sorry. My pride enabled me to send that first email to you after I hadn't heard from you. I don't know what you held back from doing. I won't assume. How we've been going about things is not how a good relationship is built. A good relationship, to me, is about mutual respect, trust, compromise, and doing something for someone because you want to, because you care about them, not because you want/expect something of equal or greater value in return. Being completely transparent here, there is still a small part of me that wants to see if we could come together and work this out. It's hard to not feel that way. In some ways I feel like we just aren't very compatible. In other ways I feel like you're a really great guy. This small part of me is just convinced that we never really gave this a fair chance. Perhaps it's too late to do that now. Regardless, I just wanted you to know." I was surprised when he responded. He said he was happy I opened myself up, that we should take a break, have some time to ourselves to figure things out, and keep in touch. See where it goes. I'm in agreement with that. It might all be total BS, but even if it is, I'm just glad I broke through my fear of opening up and expressing my true thoughts. In any case, whether or not we end up together (and I'm certainly not waiting on that happening), how things have gone with him so far helped me out a lot.
Author tigressA Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Like...5 weeks. We weren't able to see each other more than twice a week, usually, so we relied a lot on other forms of contact. Phone, IM, etc.
phineas Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I think if you are a cuddler and he is not, then that is a dealbreaker. It would be for me (I'm a cuddler). If we got time to cuddle, we got time for sex. And honestly, how do you expect a guy who has an attractive woman pressing her body up against his to react? I get aroused. Sorry. you don't want to do that don't get me aroused. intimacy is intimacy to me. cuddling is intimate, so is sex. No reason why both can't be had.
northstar1 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 A break after only dating a few weeks? Way too much drama this early for this thing to survive long term I'm sorry to say. Tigress - you're a passionate person, that is easy to tell. It seems when you are into something, you throw yourself into it full steam and you become almost obsessed with it and then the intensity turns to examination, doubt, and fault finding and then ultimately it self destructs. This 'relationship' had more drama in a month than I had in my last one in a year, which can be both exciting and ultimately havoc causing, but also completely inline with what I remember most relationships being like in college in my early 20's. Maybe you really need to sit down and think about what your needs are for both dating casually and being in a committed relationship, because sometimes, based on your posts, it seems there is some misalignment in expectations = too much toon soon etc.
Author tigressA Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 If we got time to cuddle, we got time for sex. And honestly, how do you expect a guy who has an attractive woman pressing her body up against his to react? I get aroused. Sorry. you don't want to do that don't get me aroused. intimacy is intimacy to me. cuddling is intimate, so is sex. No reason why both can't be had. I think this is how he sees it. He's always gotten turned on like that whenever we got close. I like to think of it as a compliment, that he's found me so attractive, but a few times it has bothered me because I just like to be close and not have it lead to sex every single time.
phineas Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I think this is how he sees it. He's always gotten turned on like that whenever we got close. I like to think of it as a compliment, that he's found me so attractive, but a few times it has bothered me because I just like to be close and not have it lead to sex every single time. Well, if your only seeing each other twice a week that would mean he's getting laid what? once a week? I honestly would loose interest in someone if I saw them that infrequently & they didn't want to have sex with me. I'd think they wern't attracted to me anymore. Now if we saw each other 3 times a week & had sex twice a week i'd be fine with just cuddling watching a movie one of those days.
Author tigressA Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 northstar, I don't have any expectations for this situation anymore. Whatever happens, happens. I'm certainly not going to take it seriously. I'm actually inclined to think that the response email he sent was more BS than anything else, but I'll see.
carhill Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I think this is how he sees it. He's always gotten turned on like that whenever we got close. I like to think of it as a compliment, that he's found me so attractive, but a few times it has bothered me because I just like to be close and not have it lead to sex every single time.I assume you communicated that to him. Also, for balance, sometimes you'll want to have sex with him without substantial cuddling, foreplay, etc, if that is a facet of his 'style'. IMO, clearly understanding (through communication) what sexual expression means to each of you and resolving that dynamic and finding compatibility in it goes a long way to building true intimacy. A man who can proactively suspend sex with a woman he is attracted to should intrinsically understand the value of other expressions of intimacy and their impact on the relationship. Or he's banging someone else. Not much middle ground there, IMO.
Author tigressA Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I assume you communicated that to him. Also, for balance, sometimes you'll want to have sex with him without substantial cuddling, foreplay, etc, if that is a facet of his 'style'. IMO, clearly understanding (through communication) what sexual expression means to each of you and resolving that dynamic and finding compatibility in it goes a long way to building true intimacy. No, I haven't communicated that. I probably won't for awhile, or ever. I guess we're kinda starting back at square one. If it ever starts again. I'm leaving it up to him for now. That way I'll be able to know right away if he's just BSing me with that "I'll be in touch" stuff.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 No, I haven't communicated that. I probably won't for awhile, or ever. I guess we're kinda starting back at square one. If it ever starts again. I'm leaving it up to him for now. That way I'll be able to know right away if he's just BSing me with that "I'll be in touch" stuff. I think that you have said your piece and should just wait it out. Keep occupied and let him come to you.
Author tigressA Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I think that you have said your piece and should just wait it out. Keep occupied and let him come to you. Yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing. I've already let my thoughts be known, he's gotta be the one to reach out now. I'm not expecting him to do that at all. Like I said, I'm inclined to think it's BS. But we'll see.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 BTW are you naked in your avatar? :laugh:
Author tigressA Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Nah, just spilling out a little bit.
make me believe Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Wow. You've had more drama with a guy you dated for five weeks than I've had with my boyfriend of a year!! All of this arguing, fighting, him making rules about sex (and then breaking them, apparently), door-slamming, sulking, blah blah blah... I'm worn out just reading about it! I can't imagine actually living it! It all sounds so melodramatic and immature. For future reference, when your first fight/argument occurs in the first MONTH of dating, it's probably a pretty big sign that you're not compatible with this person. Healthy, drama-free relationships just don't start with all this crap. I don't know why you're even leaving the door open to getting back together with this guy, to be honest.
carhill Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I don't know why you're even leaving the door open to getting back together with this guy, to be honest. One potential is a man who is clear and unambiguous and, daresay, somewhat predictable, wouldn't match up with her attraction style at the moment. Apparently, even though the 'want' is saying 'enough', the 'attraction' is desiring to stay engaged in the dynamic. I'm sure, if it is the case, this will resolve over time. The mitigating issue, currently, is the man is very likely widely attractive, necessarily privileging him to behave in a wide variety of fashions yet still retaining his potency with women. The corollary in a woman is one who is widely sexually attractive so is always attracting a new potential so can have little concern for how current potentials are treated. I've seen such men operate in close quarters and they can be quite convincing....to women. It's the old 'one can see things in one's own gender that the other gender is oblivious to' Given the short time invested, why not entertain new potentials with an open mind? If this guy is 'the one', it will become obvious over time. Life goes on
jw90063 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I went to spend last night and today with C at his new apartment. Things didn't go so well toward the end. Actually, I'd thought we were spending the entire weekend together, but things changed. He was kind of bombarded with calls from a friend of his who's doing pretty badly (a guy, btw) and he felt he should go see him. I offered to go with him so I could help, and I didn't want to go home early anyway, but he said no. I got a little huffy--like, hey, I thought this was OUR weekend--and we got into an argument. We hardly spoke on the drive back to my house. I got out of the car without even looking at him or saying goodbye; he didn't say anything or make a move either. I slammed his car door and the door of the house when I got in. And then I immediately regretted it. I almost ran back outside to say something before he pulled out but I didn't; I just watched him drive out from the living room window. I feel upset right now and I want to make it right...what do I do? Should I just let him come to me and then apologize? Should I approach him and apologize? I don't know. I haven't read all this thread, but wanted to comment on this post. I noticed her boyfriend told her no she couldn't go. Well, maybe it's the way he said it to her. There are different ways of laying things out so you don't hurt someone's feelings or make them feel unimportant. I don't think it should have turned into an argument, and the OP could have been more understanding, but I'm wondering exactly what he said to her and how he said it.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I went to spend last night and today with C at his new apartment. Things didn't go so well toward the end. Actually, I'd thought we were spending the entire weekend together, but things changed. He was kind of bombarded with calls from a friend of his who's doing pretty badly (a guy, btw) and he felt he should go see him. I offered to go with him so I could help, and I didn't want to go home early anyway, but he said no. I got a little huffy--like, hey, I thought this was OUR weekend--and we got into an argument. We hardly spoke on the drive back to my house. I got out of the car without even looking at him or saying goodbye; he didn't say anything or make a move either. I slammed his car door and the door of the house when I got in. And then I immediately regretted it. I almost ran back outside to say something before he pulled out but I didn't; I just watched him drive out from the living room window. I feel upset right now and I want to make it right...what do I do? Should I just let him come to me and then apologize? Should I approach him and apologize? I don't know. What's wrong here is your (probably-long-ago-instilled-in-you-by-parents-and-grandparents) tendency to opt to NOT express yourself and your feelings when you sense that those feelings are NOT what the other person (whom you truly DO value) would want to hear from you. Instead of comprising a small hurt at some point during the weekend, your very sincere and fair feelings, for your having kept them to yourself, SNOWBALLED to a point where they did significant damage. Quietly fuming seldom does anybody any good while in the midst of a relationship. I know you have to be more vulnerable when merely expressing yourself, but it is a habit that you neeeeeeeeeeeeeed to adopt, for the good and longevity of any and all relationships present and future.
meerkat stew Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I was angry in the first place because he'd made it sound, after he said he had to go see his friend, that he could've done other things with his time this weekend besides spending it with me, and that I should be grateful or something. And last night he said he told this exact same friend that he couldn't make it there, he already had plans, blah blah. So what changed?? Didn't read the entire thread. The first thing I thought when reading your OP is that this guy is playing you with his friend as an accomplice. He spends the time necessary to keep you on the hook, then has the friend bomb his phone with some "urgent" issue the specifics of which you aren't let in on. He gets rid of you, then he and friend (or whomever) go do whatever he doesn't want you around for. After reading the above quote of yours, my hunch is even stronger. After all, what sort of issues could a friend have that require that the GF be blown off for an entire weekend? There are a few I can think of... very few. It doesn't make sense.
threebyfate Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 It takes serious balls to open yourself up to another. Good for you, tigress! 'Tis the ballsy that end up in lasting relationships. No fear unless the signals are eff'd. Having said that, you know my perception of this guy. If he comes back, be cautious.
Author tigressA Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 (edited) It takes serious balls to open yourself up to another. Good for you, tigress! 'Tis the ballsy that end up in lasting relationships. No fear unless the signals are eff'd. Having said that, you know my perception of this guy. If he comes back, be cautious. Thanks, TBF. I did feel pretty ballsy after sending that email! And even if he hadn't responded in that way, or at all, it still would feel good. I am definitely going to be cautious. I don't have any expectation of him contacting me from here on out. And I'm certainly not going to wait around for him. Like Carhill said, if we are meant to be together, it will work out in its own time. Life does go on. When other people come along, I won't close myself off to the potential there. Carhill's also right in that I have felt this inexplicable pull toward C. Sure, there's been more 'drama' than what I'm used to so early on, but there have been really great moments too. If--and I am crystal-clear when I say "IF"--we do stay in touch, and really get to know and understand each other, and communicate effectively, then things could likely work out. I could see and can still see potential there. Edited August 3, 2010 by tigressA
Jilly Bean Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Tigress - Im surprised for someone who admits she has trouble opening up, that you would spill so much to a guy that you dated casually for a few weeks and after he told you he was fine no longer dating you. I think he was lukewarm all along, while you were far more invested. Just seems really oddly timed, though. I can see opening up in order to grow a relationship, but I fear that you doing this after it's over, will lead you to attach a negative result to opening up in the future. Know what I mean? You say now that you don't have any expectations of him contacting you, and I don't think he will, honestly, unless it's in a fit of boredom, but I think in due time, you will process this as being a dude whom you really opened up to, and he blew you off anyhow, even though this wasn't the reality of what happened. I think you sent the email as some sort of damage control, or desire to reset this to a new footing. Regardless, it was a toxic dynamic from the get-go. Even if he decides to contact you again, I think you'd be crazy to re-engage in something this unhealthy.
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