tigressA Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I went to spend last night and today with C at his new apartment. Things didn't go so well toward the end. Actually, I'd thought we were spending the entire weekend together, but things changed. He was kind of bombarded with calls from a friend of his who's doing pretty badly (a guy, btw) and he felt he should go see him. I offered to go with him so I could help, and I didn't want to go home early anyway, but he said no. I got a little huffy--like, hey, I thought this was OUR weekend--and we got into an argument. We hardly spoke on the drive back to my house. I got out of the car without even looking at him or saying goodbye; he didn't say anything or make a move either. I slammed his car door and the door of the house when I got in. And then I immediately regretted it. I almost ran back outside to say something before he pulled out but I didn't; I just watched him drive out from the living room window. I feel upset right now and I want to make it right...what do I do? Should I just let him come to me and then apologize? Should I approach him and apologize? I don't know.
Sabali Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I think the most important thing to do is give it time. The guy was trying to be a good friend and I am sure his friend didn't want you tagging along to hear all of his private issues. On the other hand, I understand that it was supposed to be your weekend. Couldn't he have just went to see his friend for a few hours and made it up to you later? In any case, I would just let things cool down. Try waiting for him to call but if he doesn't, call him in a couple of days and have a very low pressure talk. You both will probably say a lot of unintentional heated things if you call right now and I do not feel anyone is totally wrong in this situation but neither of you handled it very gracefully and you may have came across as a bit clingy. Your best bet would have been a passive aggressive approach at best such as saying "okay" smiling, leaving and then playing it cool and allowing him to make it up to you later.
JadedHeart Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 You don't want to bug him while he's comforting his friend right now. Just wait until after the weekend then you can say I apologize about the other day, I was very upset and shouldn't have acted like that towards you.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Well, you learn from your mistakes. I know most guys need their buddy time and in times of trouble guys have their codes when they confort each other and under no circumstances are girls allowed in the inner circle. I thought your door slamming was a bit childish but I understand you were upset. Except now you've given him a terrible image of you going on a hissy fit. ( Girl rule #62, never slam doors around a guy unless he's at the 3 month mark or has seen your panty drawers). I think you should lay low for today. Let him sort out his friend's problems and then text him a hello and apology in the morning.
Author tigressA Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 (edited) I think the most important thing to do is give it time. The guy was trying to be a good friend and I am sure his friend didn't want you tagging along to hear all of his private issues. On the other hand, I understand that it was supposed to be your weekend. Couldn't he have just went to see his friend for a few hours and made it up to you later? In any case, I would just let things cool down. Try waiting for him to call but if he doesn't, call him in a couple of days and have a very low pressure talk. You both will probably say a lot of unintentional heated things if you call right now and I do not feel anyone is totally wrong in this situation but neither of you handled it very gracefully and you may have came across as a bit clingy. Your best bet would have been a passive aggressive approach at best such as saying "okay" smiling, leaving and then playing it cool and allowing him to make it up to you later. That sounds good. Deep down I know I really should let things cool but I just feel so...ugh. I just want to make it right, but really it's more of a selfish thing. I just don't want him to see me as a brat is all; I want to know that everything is okay; I don't want to be the one left hanging. It's always me, me, me, me, me. I can be super-impulsive, selfish and thoughtless. I was all three of those today. It was not one of my best moments. It would've been tiresome for him to just go for a few hours, since his friend lives in his old city which is 2 hours from where he is now, and I'm located in between both. He would've had to drive 4 hours round trip. I think he'll just be there for the night. Perhaps he'll want to stop by tomorrow on his way back to his place. Yeah, Paper, I really do regret the door-slamming. I know exactly what he would think about that and it's the last thing I want him thinking about me. I'm worried because his friend he's going to see is having a rough time with a girl he's been involved with--that's the issue. And I wonder if all this guy-bonding is going to make C think that he's just better off not bothering with some immature door-slamming brat. Edited July 31, 2010 by tigressA
carhill Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 So, we have : No sex Update to no sex Ugh, I hate him! I think I messed up This sure is an interesting progression of stuff. This guy just gets more interesting (an alien to me, as a man) as time goes on. Hope it works out...
Author tigressA Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Carhill, the "Ugh, I hate him" wasn't in direct reference to C; it was in direct reference to my ex-FWB who I saw when I was with C last weekend.
2sunny Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 That sounds good. Deep down I know I really should let things cool but I just feel so...ugh. I just want to make it right, but really it's more of a selfish thing. I just don't want him to see me as a brat is all; I want to know that everything is okay; I don't want to be the one left hanging. It's always me, me, me, me, me. I can be super-impulsive, selfish and thoughtless. I was all three of those today. It was not one of my best moments. It would've been tiresome for him to just go for a few hours, since his friend lives in his old city which is 2 hours from where he is now, and I'm located in between both. He would've had to drive 4 hours round trip. I think he'll just be there for the night. Perhaps he'll want to stop by tomorrow on his way back to his place. wow that certainly is a lot of I's... yes - you think about yourself too much, as you stated. he obviously is very capable of thinking of others - such as being a good friend to his buddy who is in need. you showed him who you really are, no need to apologize for being yourself. looks like you two aren't a good match if he knows how to be a friend and you are going to get mad every time he wants to be a friend to his buddies. also - I can be super-impulsive, selfish and thoughtless. who would want to deal with this all the time? these are your own words.
Author tigressA Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 wow that certainly is a lot of I's... yes - you think about yourself too much, as you stated. he obviously is very capable of thinking of others - such as being a good friend to his buddy who is in need. you showed him who you really are, no need to apologize for being yourself. looks like you two aren't a good match if he knows how to be a friend and you are going to get mad every time he wants to be a friend to his buddies. also - who would want to deal with this all the time? these are your own words. Those weren't my own words at first. They were his. He pointed all that out when we had our little tiff. I just didn't say anything. I knew he just had to vent and that anything I said wouldn't help. I didn't even reach for him when we were in the car; usually we're holding hands or I have my hand on his knee. I wanted so badly to do it but I felt like that wouldn't have helped either.
carhill Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Carhill, the "Ugh, I hate him" wasn't in direct reference to C; it was in direct reference to my ex-FWB who I saw when I was with C last weekend. Yes, I know. I was just reflecting upon the threads of recent days. A young lady who presents such as yourself surely can find a less tortuous path to relationship success. BTW, amongst my tight-knit circle of male friends, I'm kind of known as 'supporter' guy and I can only recall one particular time of 'emergency' need, and that was with a friend who had his mother in surgery and needed support. I'm looking back around 20 years here and a lot of 'man time'. Obviously, everyone is different but I've found a pattern to people who always have phones ringing and are flitting from here to there. For myself, an incompatible pattern where drama usually follows. As a stand-alone event, perhaps an anomaly; taken within a pattern of behavior over time, of which other events can be included? Good information. I wouldn't have liked you slamming my car door. I'd think twice about calling you after that. YMMV. Hope it works out....
2sunny Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Those weren't my own words at first. They were his. He pointed all that out when we had our little tiff. I just didn't say anything. I knew he just had to vent and that anything I said wouldn't help. I didn't even reach for him when we were in the car; usually we're holding hands or I have my hand on his knee. I wanted so badly to do it but I felt like that wouldn't have helped either. you typed them, yes? were you that person described or not? if you aren't willing to own the behavior you exhibited - then there is no way to help you. if you aren't willing to own it and change the behavior - then he's most likely not going to be motivated to work on things with you. he will only see that you will always want to show that specific behavior to him. behavior he will always want to run from... like he did today. this is the reason i say it won't be a good match if you aren't willing to own it and change.
Author tigressA Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I was angry in the first place because he'd made it sound, after he said he had to go see his friend, that he could've done other things with his time this weekend besides spending it with me, and that I should be grateful or something. And last night he said he told this exact same friend that he couldn't make it there, he already had plans, blah blah. So what changed??
2sunny Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I was angry in the first place because he'd made it sound, after he said he had to go see his friend, that he could've done other things with his time this weekend besides spending it with me, and that I should be grateful or something. And last night he said he told this exact same friend that he couldn't make it there, he already had plans, blah blah. So what changed?? don't know - you tell me? you were there, yes?
Author tigressA Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 you typed them, yes? were you that person described or not? if you aren't willing to own the behavior you exhibited - then there is no way to help you. if you aren't willing to own it and change the behavior - then he's most likely not going to be motivated to work on things with you. he will only see that you will always want to show that specific behavior to him. behavior he will always want to run from... like he did today. this is the reason i say it won't be a good match if you aren't willing to own it and change. Yes, of course I typed them. Just because I said they were his words at first doesn't mean I'm not owning my behavior. I do own it. I take full responsibility for it. I want to make things right and work it out. And I guess the best way to do that for now is to just give it some time. Leave him alone and let him come to me.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 I went to spend last night and today with C at his new apartment. Things didn't go so well toward the end. Actually, I'd thought we were spending the entire weekend together, but things changed. He was kind of bombarded with calls from a friend of his who's doing pretty badly (a guy, btw) and he felt he should go see him. I offered to go with him so I could help, and I didn't want to go home early anyway, but he said no. I got a little huffy--like, hey, I thought this was OUR weekend--and we got into an argument. We hardly spoke on the drive back to my house. I got out of the car without even looking at him or saying goodbye; he didn't say anything or make a move either. I slammed his car door and the door of the house when I got in. And then I immediately regretted it. I almost ran back outside to say something before he pulled out but I didn't; I just watched him drive out from the living room window. I feel upset right now and I want to make it right...what do I do? Should I just let him come to me and then apologize? Should I approach him and apologize? I don't know. You had thought you were spending the weekend togther? Or you and he had made clear plans to spend the weekend together? If you and he planned spending the weekend together, you have a right to feel dissed and show it. It doesn't seem like he did enough to make his case for bowing out (actually I can't see myself doing that for anyone short of a sibling or parent). But if you concluded that this was going to be your weekend and he made no such commitment to what you were thinking, perhaps you got a bit more miffed than you should. Still, something smells fishy to me. I can't think of anything I can do for a male friend that would swallow that much time and take me away from some perhaps overdue closeness with my love interest. I've never had anyone drop their life to help me out and I don't expect something like that except from a family member. I wouldn't rush to apologize if I were you. Let him show himself. You have a chance to learn something here and you can blow that if you fault yourself and act guilty. After all, all you wanted to do was be with him. That is a good thing in most people's books.
Sabali Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 . It would've been tiresome for him to just go for a few hours, since his friend lives in his old city which is 2 hours from where he is now, and I'm located in between both. He would've had to drive 4 hours round trip. I think he'll just be there for the night. Perhaps he'll want to stop by tomorrow on his way back to his place. Driving two hours away to talk to a friend having woman trouble? Give me a break. I wish people would include such info like this in the original post. That sort of changes things. There is more than what meets the eye in this situation. Maybe that weekend was exactly starting off in paradise? I don't know.
Author tigressA Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Yes, there were plans to spend the weekend together. So naturally I'd be upset when those plans were upended. And I did tell him that, FF--that all I wanted to do was be with him. That was all I cared about. That's why I offered to go along with him in the first place.
2sunny Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Actually, I'd thought we were spending the entire weekend together, but things changed. did you assume or was this set in stone by HIS invitation? IF he didn't specifically invite you for the entire weekend - you may have misinterpreted his intentions.
D-Lish Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I agree with above post. If you had solid plans to spend the weekend together and he took off on you to go see a friend, then you have a right to be angry about it. Meh, so you slammed the car door...There are worse ways you could have lashed out. Does he do this often? If he does, it's cause for concern. If this is a one time deal and the buddy in question really is in need, I'd let things cool off, let it go this time and talk to him about it when you've cooled down. How much time do you spend together?
Author tigressA Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 did you assume or was this set in stone by HIS invitation? IF he didn't specifically invite you for the entire weekend - you may have misinterpreted his intentions. There were plans. We were going to meet up with a couple of his friends today to go see a movie, do dinner and dancing. He'd even invited my friend who lives nearby to go along and I'd called her about it last night but she already had plans for today. Today wasn't exactly paradise before the argument either. Perhaps he'd just gotten frustrated.
melodymatters Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Just popping in to give my impression, throw it out the window if it suits you, but.... It seems that an AWFULLY large amount of your time is devoted to dating/relationship stuff. Without getting into details, in other threads you talked about what to major in at university, family issues, money issues, living spaces, etc.. Why not put "boys" on the back burner and concentrate on YOU for a change ? If I had a time machine, that's what I would do !
Author tigressA Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 I agree with above post. If you had solid plans to spend the weekend together and he took off on you to go see a friend, then you have a right to be angry about it. Meh, so you slammed the car door...There are worse ways you could have lashed out. Does he do this often? If he does, it's cause for concern. If this is a one time deal and the buddy in question really is in need, I'd let things cool off, let it go this time and talk to him about it when you've cooled down. How much time do you spend together? No, he doesn't do this often. He's only done it this one time. This was the first full weekend we were going to spend together anyway. We only see each other once or twice a week. Before he stopped by to see me last Sunday, we hadn't seen each other in over a week because he was so busy relocating and adjusting to his new work project. We've always been an hour's drive away from each other, too.
Author tigressA Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 Just popping in to give my impression, throw it out the window if it suits you, but.... It seems that an AWFULLY large amount of your time is devoted to dating/relationship stuff. Without getting into details, in other threads you talked about what to major in at university, family issues, money issues, living spaces, etc.. Why not put "boys" on the back burner and concentrate on YOU for a change ? If I had a time machine, that's what I would do ! Thanks for the advice MM, but those issues have been sorted out for awhile now. I'm in a good place. It only seems that a lot of my time is devoted to dating because that's all I ever really post about here. All the other things in life I can handle pretty well myself, and have been.
D-Lish Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 No, he doesn't do this often. He's only done it this one time. This was the first full weekend we were going to spend together anyway. We only see each other once or twice a week. Before he stopped by to see me last Sunday, we hadn't seen each other in over a week because he was so busy relocating and adjusting to his new work project. We've always been an hour's drive away from each other, too. Then you have a right to feel angry. If you had plans to spend the weekend together and he blew it off to go see a friend, he is the one that owes you an apology. Having said that, if this behaviour isn't normal- then I think I'd let it slide. You can apologize for your reaction, but you don't need to apologize for how you felt about being sidelined. I also think that you should grab some friends and make the best of tonight, go out! I think that you need to show this guy that he's not going to be the center of your world- I think he'll be less likely to take you for granted.
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