I think I messed up.

[carhill]

Today wasn't exactly paradise before the argument either. Perhaps he'd just gotten frustrated.

 

Frustration can be diffused by communication. 'I feel frustrated', then bla, bla...

 

You had plans. Sounds like there was a group involved. All of this turned to shyte because a male friend calling? Please tell me he was suicidal. I'd rush to his side, calling 911 on the way, of course. His wife left him and was banging the gardener? OK, I can see some urgency perhaps, just so he wouldn't kill the gardener. But, was this really just 'girl problems'? Please, say it ain't so.

 

I can tell you, when faced with the reverse (switching the genders) I've stopped dating a woman over this kind of stuff, where she destroys plans she made for us already in motion. Full-stop, see ya later. These kinds of things should be enjoyable, not dramatic and stress-filled. Next

[tigressA]

Then you have a right to feel angry. If you had plans to spend the weekend together and he blew it off to go see a friend, he is the one that owes you an apology.

 

Having said that, if this behaviour isn't normal- then I think I'd let it slide. You can apologize for your reaction, but you don't need to apologize for how you felt about being sidelined.

 

I also think that you should grab some friends and make the best of tonight, go out!

 

I think that you need to show this guy that he's not going to be the center of your world- I think he'll be less likely to take you for granted.

 

I like all of this a lot. I will without a doubt make my apology like this. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted." But I don't really have any friends nearby who I could just call up, so it's going to be a night in for me. I also haven't been letting him think that he's the center of my world. I've never once let him think that when we're apart. I do see him that way when we're together though--I mean, isn't that part of the point? I have been letting him initiate all the contact; I've been busy enough with my own stuff so that I end up missing his calls fairly frequently.

 

Carhill, he was communicating, but I just didn't really want to hear it. Besides the plans being upended, this is basically on me.

[carhill]

To recap:

C lives at a bit of a distance (I read a couple hours somewhere, correct me as necessary) and invited you to his new apartment for the weekend with plans to go out with a group of friends Saturday night for dinner and dancing.

 

Friday night was cool and the sleepover without sex went well. C got some calls from the male friend in question but was able to handle it over the phone.

 

Saturday, the phone calls escalate and C now feels he has to travel to the friend's home to comfort/support/counsel/drink with/whatever with the male friend, canceling the plans for yourself, him and *his* friends for Saturday night.

 

Discussion ensues. You offer to go with him. Declined. Escalation. He/You decide that it would be best if you go home and he drives you home. You display some anger upon getting home.

 

Am I getting it so far?

 

Carhill, he was communicating, but I just didn't really want to hear it. Besides the plans being upended, this is basically on me.

 

OK, good. Fill us in on that, and what 'this is basically on me' means. Remember, I'm a guy

 

Without inferring anything from the pejorative, is this a moment of 'hey girl, bro's before ho's, dontcha get it?' ? Like you should understand intrinsically that his friend comes first and your feelings, regardless of the plans and ambiance he created, are secondary. Your punishment for not knowing this 'rule' is to be sent to your corner with no milk and cookies?

 

That's one interpretation. What's yours?

[Woggle]

He had a friend in trouble and he was there for him. With all due respect his friend has been much longer than you have and with the short amount of time you have been seeing him this should take priority. you can always schedule another time. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it but any man with a sense of loyalty would have done the same thing.

[D-Lish]

I like all of this a lot. I will without a doubt make my apology like this. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted." But I don't really have any friends nearby who I could just call up, so it's going to be a night in for me. I also haven't been letting him think that he's the center of my world. I've never once let him think that when we're apart. I do see him that way when we're together though--I mean, isn't that part of the point? I have been letting him initiate all the contact; I've been busy enough with my own stuff so that I end up missing his calls fairly frequently.

 

Carhill, he was communicating, but I just didn't really want to hear it. Besides the plans being upended, this is basically on me.

 

To an extent it is part of the point of being in a relationship, I agree. He could confuse that sentiment with neediness if you're in the early stages of your relationship though. Not that you are being needy, just that he might view it that way if you've just started dating.

 

As I said, you do have a right to be upset- I would be too. I probably would have reacted the same way. Afterall, people are forgetting, you adjusted your weekend because you guys had plans. Now you are sitting at home on a saturday night while he is out with his buddy. Sure, no biggie in the grand scheme of things, but it's still a frustrating thing to deal with.

 

Obviously, this weekend was supposed to be the first full weekend together- so I am sure it was pretty important to you. To have the person your are dating dismiss the significance of the weekend visit and drive you home when you expected you were going to be there all weekend would affect me too!

 

I wouldn't question whether or not your disappointment is valid or not- you have a valid reason to be upset.

[tigressA]

To recap:

C lives at a bit of a distance (I read a couple hours somewhere, correct me as necessary) and invited you to his new apartment for the weekend with plans to go out with a group of friends Saturday night for dinner and dancing.

 

Friday night was cool and the sleepover without sex went well. C got some calls from the male friend in question but was able to handle it over the phone.

 

Saturday, the phone calls escalate and C now feels he has to travel to the friend's home to comfort/support/counsel/drink with/whatever with the male friend, canceling the plans for yourself, him and *his* friends for Saturday night.

 

Discussion ensues. You offer to go with him. Declined. Escalation. He/You decide that it would be best if you go home and he drives you home. You display some anger upon getting home.

 

Am I getting it so far?

 

 

 

OK, good. Fill us in on that, and what 'this is basically on me' means. Remember, I'm a guy

 

Without inferring anything from the pejorative, is this a moment of 'hey girl, bro's before ho's, dontcha get it?' ? Like you should understand intrinsically that his friend comes first and your feelings, regardless of the plans and ambiance he created, are secondary. Your punishment for not knowing this 'rule' is to be sent to your corner with no milk and cookies?

 

That's one interpretation. What's yours?

 

It's an hour's drive to me, two to his friend. I'm in between C and his friend, who lives in the city he used to live in.

 

I just didn't really understand because C told me about the situation his friend is in, and now suddenly I can't be in on it in person? Unless his friend doesn't know that C told me and would be upset to have a total stranger interloping, which I can understand. We have only been seeing each other for 5 weeks, and they've been friends for years. Also, C bringing me there would imply that we're couple-y, which obviously wouldn't be a welcome sight for his friend under the circumstances. I can understand that too.

 

I do know, however, that if I had been in C's position, I would've just told my friend "Sorry, but I have plans already; we can hang out another time, just let me know when, blah blah."

 

Earlier today before the big argument happened, we had had a couple of little tiffs. I was really quiet and he was asking me what was up. I of course said nothing--absolutely nothing, my mouth was shut for nearly a minute. Eventually I said, "Nothing." Since he knows me so well he knew I was lying and just didn't want to tell him, and he got upset. I still feel so vulnerable around him that I just don't tell him what's on my mind as a sort of power play.

[2sunny]

I like all of this a lot. I will without a doubt make my apology like this. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted." But I don't really have any friends nearby who I could just call up, so it's going to be a night in for me. I also haven't been letting him think that he's the center of my world. I've never once let him think that when we're apart. I do see him that way when we're together though--I mean, isn't that part of the point? I have been letting him initiate all the contact; I've been busy enough with my own stuff so that I end up missing his calls fairly frequently.

 

Carhill, he was communicating, but I just didn't really want to hear it. Besides the plans being upended, this is basically on me.

 

this is a good way to start... taking responsibility for the way you participated.

 

generally - when there is an apology - the best action is to be sure we never make that same offense again... so be sure to understand YOUR actions each time you may be upset... and watch the behavior you exhibit.

 

to talk things through in a reasonable manner would be ideal. see if you can work towards that goal (for yourself) and ideally together. it takes effective communication. it takes considering the other persons feelings and position as much as your own.

 

can you do that? if you can, then tell him that's what you would like to work towards with him.

[Sabali]

this is a good way to start... taking responsibility for the way you participated.

 

generally - when there is an apology - the best action is to be sure we never make that same offense again...

 

 

Sounds good but has anyone ever noticed that a door-slammer is always a repeat offender? I hope this isn't the case for the OP.

[spookie]

No offense, but that is quite the fight for 5 weeks in. Are you sure that the amount you guys argue isn't indicative of an incompatibility?

[D-Lish]

Sounds good but has anyone ever noticed that a door-slammer is always a repeat offender? I hope this isn't the case for the OP.

 

Yeah, totally. I am a door slammer- that's never going to change. If the worst thing you do in a relationship is slam a door when you get angry once and a while, big deal.

 

Sab, if you make me mad, I will slam your car door too:love:

[Sabali]

Yeah, totally. I am a door slammer- that's never going to change. If the worst thing you do in a relationship is slam a door when you get angry once and a while, big deal.

 

Sab, if you make me mad, I will slam your car door too:love:

 

 

I drive a chariot, angel.

[Woggle]

A woman slams my door and she can forget about seeing me again. No matter how bad we are arguing she better respect my property.

[tigressA]

This whole thing ended up starting because of his frustration with me. He wanted to know what I was thinking since I was being so quiet, was there anything wrong, blah blah. I also hadn't eaten anything the whole time I was there today and he was concerned (I was kind of hung over from last night, didn't want anything to eat). I said "Nothing" and we both knew that was a lie, and he got upset with me.

 

I always do this--he likes to know what's in my mind, he wants to really know me, and I hold back because I already feel that in a lot of ways he knows me well enough. It's like a sort of power play. And I know he feels it's not fair because I know he's not afraid of doing that with me. I feel so vulnerable around him already, yet for some reason I'm worried about scaring him off or something. It's my need for control constantly rearing its ugly head and I'm struggling with how to manage it. I want to be honest with him; I want to be open with him, but I'm just so nervous about it, about being EXTRA vulnerable. I really do like him but I'm starting to think I like being in control more. I want to change that. I don't really know where to start.

[2sunny]

if you aren't willing to be honest with him - you really have nothing. you'd be better off letting your guard down enough to be capable of honest communication.

 

it makes it easier for a man to know what's going on - instead of playing a guessing game... which just wastes time and energy - both physically and mentally = leaves a person feeling drained every time they are around that person.

 

to speak your truth just keeps things simple and straight forward. makes life easier.

[spookie]

This whole thing ended up starting because of his frustration with me. He wanted to know what I was thinking since I was being so quiet, was there anything wrong, blah blah. I also hadn't eaten anything the whole time I was there today and he was concerned (I was kind of hung over from last night, didn't want anything to eat). I said "Nothing" and we both knew that was a lie, and he got upset with me.

 

I always do this--he likes to know what's in my mind, he wants to really know me, and I hold back because I already feel that in a lot of ways he knows me well enough. It's like a sort of power play. And I know he feels it's not fair because I know he's not afraid of doing that with me. I feel so vulnerable around him already, yet for some reason I'm worried about scaring him off or something. It's my need for control constantly rearing its ugly head and I'm struggling with how to manage it. I want to be honest with him; I want to be open with him, but I'm just so nervous about it, about being EXTRA vulnerable. I really do like him but I'm starting to think I like being in control more. I want to change that. I don't really know where to start.

 

So what WAS going on? Why were you so quiet?

[D-Lish]

I drive a chariot, angel.

 

With no doors? In that case, I'd just yell at your horses:p

[tigressA]

if you aren't willing to be honest with him - you really have nothing. you'd be better off letting your guard down enough to be capable of honest communication.

 

it makes it easier for a man to know what's going on - instead of playing a guessing game... which just wastes time and energy - both physically and mentally = leaves a person feeling drained every time they are around that person.

 

to speak your truth just keeps things simple and straight forward. makes life easier.

 

Yeah, I know. I know, but it's really difficult for me to follow through on that knowledge. He's aware that there can be nothing there between us if I keep doing this, and I think he's starting to feel like he's had it.

 

Thinking back, it's like...the only part of me I felt completely comfortable opening up to him from the first was my set of legs. No wonder he wanted to go without sex for awhile. He wants more than that. He's said already that he wants us to share things in our minds, etc. He wants me to open my mind and my heart, but I think the way he's going about it may be wrong. I just end up feeling kind of pressured and I don't know how to explain it to him. There is a bit of a language barrier between us--he speaks English, but also two other languages, and there have already been times I've said things that he just hasn't understood. Things that I would never have to explain to anyone else.

 

Spookie--nothing was really wrong. I just wasn't talkative. I did have some stuff on my mind but I didn't want to share it. He knew it and that's why he got upset.

[SadandConfusedWA]

BTW I have a bit of a temper and I am big time door slammer too. I do it with friends, bfs, family. I even slammed the door to my boss's office after an argument

[TheWatcher]

BTW I have a bit of a temper and I am big time door slammer too. I do it with friends, bfs, family. I even slammed the door to my boss's office after an argument

 

I'm sure some of you have come across men who can slam doors like nobody's business but am I wrong in thinking that its a mainly female behaviour.Just like punching a wall is a primarily guy thing.

 

Not judging & don't mean to attack anyone and everybody expresses their anger differently but slamming doors appears (on the surface) to be an immature way of dealing with a contentious situation.I can understand a teenager slamming a door when they don't get their way

But a grown man or woman ?

Edited August 1, 2010 by TheWatcher

[GordonDarkfoot]

Tigress,

 

IMO your bf was being ridiculous, or else not being truthful about his friend.

 

You're there for a weekend. So his buddy calls up, what could possibly be so serious that he would dump you for the weekend to go see his friend?

 

Was his friend hospitalized with a serious injury?

 

Look, if your bf was telling you the truth, he wouldn't have a problem with you coming along to visit the friend. You know why? Because, if he was going to help out/console his friend, you could be useful as a "helper." To run errands or something that might be needed while he focuses on the friend.

 

I mean, even if what he's telling you is true, what an unhealthy relationship he must have with this friend. Maybe if they were actual brothers....but they're not.

 

I don't think he gave you a straight story and I think he didn't want you coming along because they were up to something he didn't want you to know about. What, I have no clue, but it's not good.

 

This guy sounds really immature.

[tigressA]

BTW I have a bit of a temper and I am big time door slammer too. I do it with friends, bfs, family. I even slammed the door to my boss's office after an argument

 

I'm a pretty big-time door slammer, too. I did it a lot when I was still living with my family. I guess I have yet to grow out of it.

[Mike B.]

I'm a pretty big-time door slammer, too. I did it a lot when I was still living with my family. I guess I have yet to grow out of it.

 

If men slammed doors we would be labeled as having violent tendencies.

[phineas]

Are you sure this guy isn't playing for the other team & trying to defect?

Because I can't for the life of me figure out why a man would have sex with a woman then just stop of his own volition.

 

Does he like to cuddle?

[TheWatcher]

If men slammed doors we would be labeled as having violent tendencies.

 

Have to agree.I can understand a teenager slamming a

door because he/she didn't get their way But a grown

man/woman.It seems so immature & childish to me;I

mean slamming a door & huffing and puffing like some

teenager who got grounded ?

 

Personally,it would be such a huge red flag...just as

a guy punching a wall would be for a woman.

[zengirl]

Yes, there were plans to spend the weekend together. So naturally I'd be upset when those plans were upended. And I did tell him that, FF--that all I wanted to do was be with him. That was all I cared about. That's why I offered to go along with him in the first place.

 

OP, I think it's a classic case of: He was inconsiderate of you, but you handled it way wrong. His side can be understood (empathy for his friend) a little bit better to me. I'm not saying there wasn't cause to be upset. . . but 90% of a person's character is what you see when they're upset.

 

That said, the fact that this guy is big on unilateral decisions (no sex, just going off. . . this seems to be a pattern) without including you or having a real discussion with you about what's happening to make you feel like you have some say. . . well, I'd say that makes him far from a keeper. I'm not with those who are determined to find something suspicious about him. I suspect he's simply as self-absorbed and selfish as you are, and that he makes unilateral decisions to maintain control. This is no great affront on is part. . . since you seem to do your own selfish, controlling things. Neither of you seemed to give much thought to the other really.

 

It's an hour's drive to me, two to his friend. I'm in between C and his friend, who lives in the city he used to live in.

 

I just didn't really understand because C told me about the situation his friend is in, and now suddenly I can't be in on it in person?

 

People tell their significant others (even early stages) all sorts of problems in their friends' lives I'm sure their friends' wouldn't want these virtual strangers to know. It really is different to bring you along.

 

 

I do know, however, that if I had been in C's position, I would've just told my friend "Sorry, but I have plans already; we can hang out another time, just let me know when, blah blah."

 

Earlier today before the big argument happened, we had had a couple of little tiffs. I was really quiet and he was asking me what was up. I of course said nothing--absolutely nothing, my mouth was shut for nearly a minute. Eventually I said, "Nothing." Since he knows me so well he knew I was lying and just didn't want to tell him, and he got upset. I still feel so vulnerable around him that I just don't tell him what's on my mind as a sort of power play.

 

Yes, you're both interested in power, I'd say. He wants to maintain his own sense of self and do what he'd do, without factoring you in too much, and you want to make sure you remain in control of the relationship. That's my take anyway. People do all these sorts of things to "spare their feelings" but it rarely works out that way.

 

If it were me, I would apologize. I would be embarrassed by that behavior. I don't believe in "couching" apologies ---- "Well, I really am sorry, but I only acted that way because I felt blahblahblah after you did blahblahblah" ---- that's just using an apology to attack someone. Apologies should be heartfelt, meant, and given freely. Even if someone else has done wrong, that plays absolutely no bearing on my desire to apologize or the purpose of it. Of course, if someone else has done wrong, and they don't see it or apologize, and I realize it belies something that won't work for me, I express that with my feet---I leave the situation. I always seek control over myself and never over anybody else, and all of this is part of it.

 

I don't really know how you maneuver for control of someone else or a relationship. That seems to me to be what you and he both want, and you're having conflicts over it.