psxdumy Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 uh, where to begin.. I met a girl late in 2008 and we started seeing each other. It was pretty amazing and sometimes taxing. She is from Brazil and was living in NJ (I live in Brooklyn, NY) as an au pair (live-in nanny), so we only saw each other around the schedule of her host family and there were sometimes cultura barriers, but I love language and she is the first person I took time with to really become close to emotionally. She was basically staying at my apartment every weekend. I was really happy with her, but she has issues trusting people and was skeptical of all the sweet nothings I whispered in her ear. Round about May '09 I was getting skeptical of our routine and needed a weekend to myself and told her so. I guess I didn't explain well enough that I didn't mean for this to be a major break in our relationship, but I needed to claim my space and process how close I was becoming to someone for the first time. So we lost didn't meet up the next weekend, and that was problematic. I knew it was time for us to patch things up and work on our communication. But before this could happen, she e-mailed to say that she had lost her job as an au-pair and was going back to Brazil in the next day or so. It felt really sudden, and we hadn't talked at all about where our relationship was. We made plans to meet the next day in Manhattan to talk and say our sad goodbye. I was really shook up about her sudden decision to leave. In the frenzy of settling with her host family and booking a flight, she had to cancel our meeting. This really was a matter of practicality for her, but it meant we didn't even see each other after not only the first rut in our relationship, but also her moving away potentially forever. Over the next few months we resolved everything over email about where we were at emotionally when all this happened and all the miscommunications involved. We were both involved with other people. I was not involved on any deep level with anyone and I don't know about her. I had one really bad experience that broke my threshhold of trust that I'd rather not get into (taken advantage of), but it intensified my empathy with the values of my former lover. In January this year I started running some stateside errands to help my Brazilian lover get into school in NY so she could get a student visa. She was pessimistic because she missed the application deadline. Recently, I met another girl. This girl is from Tokyo (I know, I'm an international kinda guy). We've spent the last few weeks getting to know each other and it started off slow and respectful. It's the first time I tried to build some level of trust with someone I am involved with since the girl last year. After the first few dates with this new girl, I heard from the girl in Brazil that she will be here mid-August because she was accepted to school. After I had sex with the Tokyo girl (it was good sex, too) we sat on the roof 'til 5 am spilling the beans on our entire histories of relationships. I told her that I was afraid to get to close to her because I have these unclosed ties with a girl who is coming back and I don't know how I will feel when I see her until that happens. She took note of this, and we carried on. We agreed to keep things not so serious for the time being. Earlier this week, she basically told me that she can't keep on having sex without a certain level of emotional commitment. We have been loving in the right way, but I haven't committed to it. The time after that we were together we stayed away from sex, my decision. I'm kinda just not sure if I have a false memory of the girl of my past, or how things usually work out with reunions like that, and I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself, by making the wrong commitment. Today I've been feeling that anxiety that comes when someone really likes you and wants to move forward with you. I would maybe feel this way, too, but like I said, there's this whole situation. So I don't want to be a jerk and avoid her, but I'm afraid things will heat up if we are together a lot. I'm kinda thinking long term, like maybe the first girl was the one and I don't want to mess things up by having this baggage. Or maybe it's the opposite, and I'm risking the new relationship because of baggage. I feel selfish to be worried about losing the present girl by telling her that I need to stay detached for a while until I mend things with the first girl. Note: Over the last few months, the Brazilian girl and I haven't talked much about emotions or what will happen between us, it's all been about applications and small talk and anecdotes etc. Ok I'm at work but it's probably good that I end this immensely long and detailed layout of my predicament. Thank you so much if you actually read this and are willing to let me know your experiences or advice. Thanks!
Sabali Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Ok, I read that long post even though it could have used more paragraph breaks and such. It was otherwise kind of interesting situations but man do you talk too much to women. One of the biggest mistakes men make with women is that they simply talk too much. Why did you have to go and tell Tokyo Drift about all of your past relationships including the Brazilian babe? You just sat up all night telling her every thing now you took away a lot of excitement from her in trying to get to know this things with time. That what makes a new relationship exciting. Unraveling this stuff over time! TMI! Too much information! Didn't the Brazilian woman up and leave out of nowhere the first time? So why even let this be a roadblock with Tokyo Love? You have a woman you haven't seen in a long time and only communicating through email who stays on the other half of the globe and you are letting it interfere with present action. Why not just date and go with the flow and see where things take you? Why must you lay out a blueprint for all of this? That blueprint will be your downfall with both women. I want to see you succeed in this man. Enjoy Tokyo Takedown right now and don't think about things, plan weddings, plan kids, or wonder what you are going to do once Brazilian gets back. Just have fun with her and see where it goes. Once, and if Brazilian arrives and not into anyone else, hang out with her, talk and see what's up. Don't get tunneled vision on either one for right but avoid hurting either one.
Author psxdumy Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 ah, thank you you're very right on every front. I would have had more time to edit the post, but I'm at work and a pink background loveshack.org doesn't look productive. Thanks, you're very helpful.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 ah, thank you you're very right on every front. I would have had more time to edit the post, but I'm at work and a pink background loveshack.org doesn't look productive. Thanks, you're very helpful. You two had your time... and it's over. Let this Brazilian girl go. You should commit to the woman from Tokyo... or if you can't move on to someone else.
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