The worst pain I've ever felt, came from the net. -_-

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=Indigo]I could type out everything that's happened in the past five to six months, but who really wants to read all of that? I'm fourteen years old, from Ohio. I'm not writing this to get so called "constructive criticism" from all of you. Granted we're all entitled to our opinons, but I do know the difference between reality, and fantasy. I'm just looking for some helpful advice, considering I'm only fourteen and all. Usually I don't ask for advice, because I can usually handle every tough situation that comes my way, but not this time. This whole matter that I'm about to discuss, concerns net realtionships. You see, I guess you could call me a pathological liar, I don't know you decide. I will admit, that I am an internet junky. You get on it for awhile, and then you find yourself, spending all of your spare time on it. The days are short, and I have nothing better to do with my pathetic life. I'm in home school, because I have something called "Social Anxiety" no pitty either. Since I have this so called Social Anxiety, my insecurites get the best of me, and I'm sick of it, because of my insecurites, I hurt and lost the person that I love the most in this world. And you know what's ironic? I haven't even met this person before.

 

It started a few months ago, when I first got the net. I started talking to an eighteen year old from Texas. I thought to myself, Texas from Ohio? Oh please, I won't even waste my time. Then again, I did. I usually have a fake identity, to hide from the person I really am. It was really sad and pathetic, but I made up a person, based on my "sparkling" personality, (sarcasm for those who can't detect it) and another girls looks. I mean, people do that everyday, and I honestly thought nothing of it. I'm sure the picture he gave me was fake to, but him being the person he is, would never admit it. I'll tell you, before that day, I had never EVER been in a net relationship, because like I said earlier, I know the difference between reality, and fantasy. The lie, was a fantasy, the person I wanted to be in my head, but in reality, would never be. Say what you want about internet relationships, but I honestly fell in love with this person. I couldn't go through my day without hearing his voice, or interacting with him everyway possible. Since I was claiming to be this different person, I had so much guilt, that I literally spewed everynight after I got off the phone with him, because I cared about him, and I would never want to hurt him. Another thing I'll add, is that he told me he had Stomach Cancer. *rolls eyes* I cried, and cried, and cried, at the mere thought of him no longer being on this earth. I couldn't stifle a tear for a person that I've never ever ever in my life met, or seen. It's obstrangly disturbing the way I felt for a person, on the other side of the United States. That lead to our first downfall, I was lieing about who I was, and he was lieing about a serious illness. He told me he was going to die before his 21st birthday, I was devistated. Then he told me he was really nineteen!! Which would have given him, two friggin' years to live! That was for those who couldn't count by the way. Anywho, he told me he wanted to meet me, so I had to make up a lie, because I wasn't fully the person I was claiming to be. I told him "Taylor, baby I can't meet you, and I never will, do you know how much pain I would be in, if I came to meet you, and you kicked off two years later?" (I'm very realistic, and straight forward in most cases, sorry if that sounded offensive) He was extremly upset, but it turns out he didn't have Cancer, he got it removed when he was twelve. -_- I was hurt that he lied about that but I couldn't really get angry, because that would make me a huge hypocrite. I told him a different lie, because I'm obviously a moronic teenager, indulged in my adolesence. I gave him a picture of yet ANOTHER girl. I told him I was sixteen. We broke up for three days. He told me he wanted me back, and that he accepted that I lied to him. We were happy for a month, and then things started going down hill again. He was a college student, in Waco. He called me one night, and told me he was changing his plans, and that he wasn't happy with the way his life was going. I wasn't surprised, I knew he had been misserable in that situation. I let him know that he had my support, with whatever he wanted to do. Taylor is one of those people, that could do anything, but needed a little push. He told me that things were going to change once he moved back home. We had talked almost 24/7. He took an hour for his classes, and I took and hour for mine, and we talked the rest of the day and night. Barely any room for sleep. Once he moved, we drifted apart. When you're in a long distance relationship, what do you really have but mail, email, and phone? He broke up with me, and said he needed time to straighten things out. He pushed me away, and me being the person I am, didn't let him. I love him, and I wouldn't let him do anything that he regreted. He eventually came to the sour conclusion that he made a mistake. He asked me to come back to him, once again. I accepted without a problem. We were perfect from that time, to Feburary 4th.

 

On the 4th, I reached my boiling point. I couldn't handle the guilt, I couldn't handle the other things going on, and the real truth came out. Imagine, four months, was all a little lie. I told him who I really was, and he was shocked. He's already forgiven me once, and I messed it up big time. I've never lied so much to somebody, as much as I lied to him. I felt obligated to lie about who I was, because I can't handle rejection. I thought that if he knew who I really was, that he would assurely reject me without a doubt. He loved me, all he wanted from me was compatability, and loyality, somebody that loved him, and supported him. I did all of that, but I lied. It's my fault. I take responcablity for my own actions. He said to me the other day in an email, "Give me one good reason why I should trust you Olie. I do love you, that's why I have to keep myself away from you, because you're like a trap that's so easy for me to fall into, so you have a wonderful life." I don't know what I was thinking. I thought that he would love me enough to give me a second chance, and to forgive me. I understand that I hurt him, and I regret it so much, I've never ever regreted something as much I regret hurting my love. I replied with a very long, and heart breaking email. One line I put is, "I'm an easy trap to fall into? Taylor, you're the one that set up the trap, forgot you did it, and fell into it all on your own. Don't blame me for that, Tay. Take responcability for your own actions, you're almost a twenty year old man." He wants nothing to do with me, I'm grounded, I'm heart broken, I'm empty, I'm nothing, I'm just here with no sence of feeling, nothing matters to me anymore. I'm slowly inching towards the edge of the cliff, I'm damn near tettering. Now it's up to him to decide weither he really does love me, and if he really does want me in his life. He pushed and pushed, and finally, I fell and broke under pressure. Now I feel the urge to walk away and say that nothing ever happened, I will always know in my heart that he was my first love, internet or not. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to wait and see if he takes me back, and the other part, wants to move on from this big horrible mess, but I'll truthfully tell you, that I don't know how. I don't want to just give up on him, because I love him. So if anybody has any comments, please. Feel free. I'm open.[/color][color=black][/color]

[Arabess]

ND,

What you did wasn't at al unusual. Actually, it comes with the territory of the internet.

 

People meet on false pretenses......have an infatuation.....maybe a love of sorts...and then the bubble breaks.

 

The reason why someone won't overlook the illusion...is because they got caught up in the illusion. When the truth comes out....the illusion is shattered. It doesn't mean it's a personal shatter....it means the person he THOUGHT he was involved with.....does not exist. So now, he has no tie. He isn't dumping you.....he is realizing that the YOU he thought existed.....was a figment of his imagination.

 

And you are going thru the same type of illusion with him.

 

When you are with someone on the internet.....that becomes the big pitfall. The best thing is to keep it at least borderline honest to keep this sort of thing from biting you in the butt.

 

We've all found out the hard way...that the net can catch up with you.

 

I don't know if you can fix this. I would think since BOTH of you were less than honest, maybe you could find the common ground you DID share......and let the rest go.

 

If that doesn't work....feel free to PM me.

Arabess

[Wounded Unicorn]

As many hours as ya'll had spent on the phone ya'll should truly know the "real" of each other. He will come around, Just wait. I am sure that lying about a dealy illness is way more narly than what you have lied about. Try to explain to him how 'your' illness works and how it effects you. If he really does love you he will come around.

 

good luck!

[SoleMate]

It's a very painful story. (Written a lot better than most of the posts we get, by the way. You have a voice that is easy to listen to. Are you doing anything to further develop your writing talents?) I certainly won't criticize you in any way. Human beings are social creatures, and we naturally seek companionship of our own kind. Arabess did a great job explaining the perils of Internet relationships.

 

Two things struck me very forcefully - that is, besides your very real pain:

 

1) You're 14, he's 19. Therefore, this relationship cannot continue. He is an adult, you are a child. Whatever arguments you can muster won't change my opinion on this.

 

2) Social anxiety is treatable. Please see your doctor about medication. And get your parents involved if you think they would be supportive. You will be AMAZED at how life will get easier when you don't have severe anxiety clobbering you.

 

Please keep posting, we want tohelp you through your loss. Good luck!

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=violet]Thanks for your comments, they helped me a lot. I'm still contimplating my next move. I am definatly going to back off from him, untill he figures out what he wants to do. I very much agree with the illusion part. If I would have found out that, his information was all false, I would have been shocked too, but I wouldn't have cared. I don't honestly care, if he's a dwarf with three eyes and a peg leg.

 

With the age matter, I do agree. Yet, I would never date anybody in my age catergory. If you take his maturity and mine, and compare them, you basically get, a twenty-five year old, dating a ten year old. I talked to my mother about it, and she does have concern about the age, but then again, my dad's six years older then my mom. My sister has always dated older guys, her current boyfriend, is seven years older then her with four children. I don't know, I guess the only part that scares me about the age, is that I'm still underaged, and he's looking for an adult relationship. I know this, and it sort of freaks me out, that I'm only fourteen, and I could have found the person that I'm going to spend my life with, already. I'll take that step, IF and when it comes to me. I've always been a little weird about the age matter, to me age is just a number, yes it does make a difference, but I've always been a sucker for love. I always said it didn't exist, when really I was just jealous because I didn't have the oppurtunity to experience it. I believe that love has no boundaries.

 

I am seeing a counciler, and on medication for my "illness." It's going to be a long process, and if it helps me get my life straightened around, then fine. Because I'm sick of the situation I'm in. I'm literally using my house as a sheild, to protect myself from the outside world. As sad as that sounds, it's the truth, and I have no problem admitting it.

 

Taylor's friends are my friends, and my friends are Taylor's friends. The one thing I didn't mention is that, Taylor is PARANOID. Taylor has been lied to a lot. He's been cheated on, and hurt almost every way possible. And me, (dur de dur) knowing that, still lied to him. That makes me totally ignorant, and it does make me look, a little crude. He's paranoid and afriad of people getting close to him, and finiding out what kind of person he really is. He keeps it all locked away, I could tell, because the first night I started talking to him, he talked and talked and talked about his past, and took a sigh of relief afterwards, while I was in total "awe." His drive to push away the one's close to him, intimidates me. If he keeps pushing people away, they're eventually going to get pushed to hard, and just walk away from him. I tried pushing him away one time, because of the guilt, and he said "Don't push me away. If you push me any harder, I'll leave." It surprised me, because he's usually the one pushing me away. I don't know, again thanks for the advice, I'll try a little bit of all of it, and see what happens. I'm anxious, and afraid but I hope that he's stomached that the person that I made from my heart and mind, doesn't exist, and I'm the closest form of that person that there is. [/color]

[quankanne]

forgive me for saying so, but it sounds like the two of you have created a lot of drama over a non-real (cyber) relationship. How can you fully assess someone or your situation if you've never been around them in real life? It's easy to create a persona through cyberspace, and it's equally as easy for you to believe in that persona you've created … but it's not reality-based.

 

my suggestion is to take a HUGE step away from this "crafted" relationship and re-assess it. While I don't doubt the emotions and pain you feel is real, I do question the validity of a cyberspace relationship.

 

quank: call me old-fashioned

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=blue]Well quank person, you present a very good point. You're right, I've never been around him in so called "real life." But hmm you know what? While I may not know him in "real life" I still feel "real" feelings for this person. I can't really explain it to you, it's something people don't understand untill they experience it themselves. Yes, I based my "cyber life" on lies, and I regret it. Like I said, I do know the difference between reality and fantasy. The feelings I felt were real, the lie was a fantasy. I won't fight my feelings, just because I've never met him. But, if things were to actually work out, do you think I'd just continue being with him on the net? No, I want to meet him, and I'm allowed to meet him. I wouldn't be able to continue this net relationship forever, I'd have to eventually meet him, I suppose I forgot to add that too. My mother understands that I have a life, so she said he could come see me, although it would be heavily restricted. [/color]

[Arabess]

Originally posted by NeuroticallyDead

[color=blue]Well quank person

 

BWAHAHAHAHA! The 'Quank' is cool!!!

 

Have you talked to him yet?

[Errol]

I'm with Quank on this too. She also said that she understands that your feelings and pain are real. No one is devaluing that. I think a great many of us have been in situations where real and honest feelings have been generated out of a non-real situation. It's actually pretty common around your age and I know that a lot of adults do tend to down-play the feelings of the younger set. Often that is because we can see where things are heading and know that these feelings -- while powerful, even overwhelming now, will dissipate and lead to other things later in life that have greater consequences and will make what you are feeling now not seem so bad. But the rest of us know and can remember that what you are feeling is as real as what a married couple going through a crisis (cheating, lying, etc.) feels and we don't down-play it at all.

 

Love doesn't recognize compatibility - it takes maturity and experience to differentiate the two. Love alone is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship--no matter what the songs say!

 

I'm very glad that your parents know about him and are willing to allow you to meet under their supervision. My first thought when I started reading your original post was "Internet Predator" and your life could be in danger. These predators do have young girls, and boys, fall in love with them so much so that reason and common sense fly out the window with caution and people get hurt, or killed. I'm still a bit fearful of you for that.

 

Everyone, if they are lucky, experiences a heartbreak or two along the road of love. You may need to count this as your first (maybe your only one) and learn from it. Have you discussed this in counseling too? Believe it or not, sometimes people not directly involved in a situation can see and understand things much more clearly than those in the situation. Listen to those people (parent, counselor) and be open minded about their observations.

 

Good luck.

[AlWaYs DrEaMiNg HuGe]

[font=century gothic][/font][font=times new roman][/font][font=arial][/font][color=violet][/color]

Ok So, I have a friend thats in the same situation....she neglected the fact that she did have friends and family, she was so caought up in this guy that no matter what i told her she claimed "That when i found love i would neglect my friends to" But shes wrong friends are the most important thing to me....i would so really be dead without my friends. Now back to what all happend, she would brake last minute plans with me and would always prefer to talk HIM over me, so over this time we got in a billion fights, and i wuld stay up at night thinking if we should really be friends, because this wasnt how a friendship should work,,, she would always put into my head that love comes before friendship, but shes wrong, wronger than should could beleve, b/c there broken up and guess whos here for her now, sure as heck not him, i am and the other day we got into a fight, we werent gonna be friends, be we are we made up, and yes he makes her happy, but he screwed her life up....and then sumtimes i feel like i did to...so thats all i have to say

 

ToOt-A-LoO

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=red]Well, since you aren't Emily *cough* I have a few things to say to that. Emily *cough* you see, I have this friend, named Emily, *cough, yet again* who won't admit that she wrote that by the way. I don't honestly care if she did, she had a right to voice her opinion. Anyway, I admit through this whole experience, I neglected my friends and family, because I was so wrapped up in Taylor, that I didn't seem to care about anything else going on. My mom would try to talk to me, or tell me what was going on, and I totally blocked her out. The way I felt for Taylor, made me block out my friends. I will admit it, because that's what happened. I never once told Emily, that boyfriends came before friends, what I told her, maybe not in these same words was that, I did fall in love with Taylor, and I loved talking to him, I'd get excited whenever he came online or called me, that I'd drop everything I did, just to start up a conversation with him. Before this whole internet deal, me and Emily talked almost 24/7, every weekend she'd come here, or I'd go here. Also, when we talked like that, I was still in school. I'm in a totally different situation now. If I want to hang out with one of my friends, I just can't stand by their locker after school, I have to call them up, and make plans. We never really made that many plans now that I recall. My mom was busy every week, so she didn't let Emily stay, and I'm so paranoid that I wouldn't come out of my house, which presents a problem, don't you think?

 

Emily admitted that she was jealous, and I was aware of that already by the way she reacted to him. They hated each other. Whenever Emily started talking to Taylor, he would come to me and say, "Um...can you make her go away baby?..Please make her go away!!" Lol. But Emily thought it was funny, so I was literally going insane with them and this heavily dispute brewing between them. I like wanted to pull my hair out. I don't know I appologized, and I meant it. I can't go back and fix it. I was in love and I neglected everybody. Like I said, I learned a lot of things in this little experience, and that was on of them. [/color]

[AlWaYs DrEaMiNg HuGe]

[font=arial][/font][color=violet][/color]Ok, yea u apoligized but since then have u actually called up ur friend emily? have u guys made plans? and u culd always of gone to her house, and u see yea u have "Socail Anxiety" but u cant get over it unless u leave ur house, and it seemd that u did use ur "ILLness" as an excuse for everything...dont take ne offence by that,,, but just like my friend u make it out to seem that u are disabled, when ur not, ur still able to get up and leave and u think properly. and ur whole relationship was indeed fake, not real, a figment of your imagination....and im sure ur friendship with emily was real....and im sure that before "Taylor" came ur friendship was fine so bye

 

TooT-A-LoO

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=darkblue]*Detects ignorance and jealousy* Tisk. No I haven't called my "friend" Emily. I haven't made plans, you know why? BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! I'm at such a sad state, that I honestly don't want to go out anywhere. I don't use my illness as an excuse, but you know what girl? It is an excuse a very good excuse. If you notice, people that look to collect disability, there's a list. On that list "Social Pobia" and or "Social Anxiety" is considered a mental disability. So before you talk about stuff that you don't know about, I suggest that you present your statement with proof, that you actually know what the hell you're talking about. I don't want to go to her house, I don't want to go ANYWHERE. I want to stay in my house for awhile, continue with my counciling, and take life one baby step at a time. I appreciate you stating your opinon, but atleast know what the hell you're talking about first. Chemical embalances in your brain sweetie, effect how you interact with people, not unless you want your friend to have several small seizures on the floor, from seeing people that she doesn't want to be around, I suggest you be patient, or drop her as a friend.

 

My relationship was over the internet, and I was lieing. I already said that. The feelings were real sweetie. If things do work out, I hope he can come to Ohio, so he can meet my friend Emily, and then me and Tay, can take off to wherever, all summer. *rolls eyes* Yeah, okay. Anyway, you have no right to say that it wasn't real. You're just jealous, get over it. Their relationship is over, don't dwell on it. Since you're supposedly her friend, you should try to help her get through it, rather then being a little selfish witch about it. My friendship with Emily, was about as real as my relationship with Taylor. Though, Emily is heavily jealous of my boyfriend, which is rather sad considering I only like Emily as a friend not as a boyfriend. I did rather talk to Taylor over Emily, you know why? I LOVED Taylor. I don't know how to get that through to you or Emily. I appologized, I can do nothing more for it. Either Emily will continue to be my friend, or she won't. Either way, it's up to her.[/color]

[Darkangelism]

ND and ADH, get over it, call each other on the phone, its time to make changes and become friends again, i have friends with untreeated social anxiety and it sucks, make peace while you still can, stop hurting one another. Love not hate. You are young, the friends you have now, can be important in the future, and you won't know until they are gone.

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=darkblue]Pssh. Easy for you to say, you try living with her! No offense Emily sweetie. OMG, it's like terribly funny how I came on here to talk about Taylor, and she always changes it to her? -_- *bang my head on the monitor* I understand that you need attention or something, but please, why here? I'm trying to get advice about TAYLOR, yes I know that pains you Emily, but that's what I wanted. If I needed advice on our friendship, why would I be talking about us on the LDR board? [/color]

[Darkangelism]

You can't legally be with him, your relationship was full of lies, so i really dont see any LDR. Go find a man in ur town.

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=darkblue]*shrugs* I guess you're right. It's not legal, you're right, but um, I have a problems dating guys in my age range. Most guys around my age, don't really have any feelings =\ So yeah. Thanks people. It's going to take awhile to get over it, I already let him go, now I have to walk away -_- [/color]

[Darkangelism]

You could date 17 yr olds.

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=red]Lol, yes I could. But, eventually that won't be legal either [/color]

[Darkangelism]

wow, i didnt think of that, whats the age of consent in ohio? 17?

And im sure there are good guys there, but they are prolly more nerdy.

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=darkred]I believe that the age of consent in Ohio, is eighteen. I'm pretty sure. Lol, and "nerdy" guys usually don't bother me, I'm not really considered um...cool or crunk or whatever they call it, anyway. Lol. I just have problems getting out of the house. So yeah. That's why I got on the net, so I didn't have to talk to people face to face. [/color]

[Darkangelism]

Yeah, like i said b4, my friend has the same problem, he is 21. Well you might find friends here, just not love....i tried,lol

[NeuroticallyDead]

[color=green]Well, I'm not exactly uh..wise. But, most of the older people I've talked to said they never went looking for love, and that it just sort of came to them. *shrugs* Net, or not...Taylor just sort of came out of no where. Lol, like I said, I'm not wise or experienced, but yeah. Maybe it'll come to you when you're least expecting it? *shrugs* Hmm, well darn I forgot what I was talking about, I'm cluttering the board. Oh well. Thanks though. [/color]

[quankanne]

most of the older people I've talked to said they never went looking for love

 

might you amend that to "never went looking for love" in the same manner you have, i.e., via cyberspace? I guarantee, a lot of us old farts can tell stories of trying to meet members of the opposite sex in bars, at parties or other get-togethers, and facing a lot of the same relationship issues you face. We just didn't have the benefit of using a computer to "hook" up with those people, we had to do it face to face or over the phone.

 

as for me not understanding the reality of your feelings in this relationship with a guy you've never met, let me clarify using personal example: I can get myself worked up over something I *think* my husband will say, or how he maybe will respond to something, only to find that once I've actually communicated with the guy, it's nothing as I had seen in my mind. In other words, my going round and round on an issue in my mind -- trying to figure out what DH was going to do/say -- was for naught because I really had no idea what he WAS going to do/say, BUT the feelings I had were very, very real each and every time I reacted to my musings. Which is why I said what I did about needing to be in the physical presence of someone before you can fully judge that relationship. ¿Entiendes?

 

I am encouraged by what you've written about taking baby steps to heal, to move through your phobia ... the biggest part of healing is to make that decision to do so.

 

and kudos to your parents for wanting to meet you half-way, for considering letting you meet with Taylor in supervised circumstances. I think that's pretty damned cool of them ...

[AlWaYs DrEaMiNg HuGe]

Yea, i am jealous oh well who wouldnt be, its sad that u wuld rather talk 2 him over me...OLIVIA UR 14 U DONT KNOW WHAT LOVE IS, ITS THE 1st LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP U HAVE EVER BEEN IN, SO YOU AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME THAT IT IS LOVE, WHEN ITS ONLY PUPPY LOVE, U WONT KNOE WHAT LOVE IS UNTIL U ARE GROWN UP AND HAVE A FAMILY, OK U AND UR "BOYFRIEND" BROKE UP, GET OVER IT AND START GETTING ON WITH REAL LIFE, BREAKING UP IS ONLY A MINOR PROBLEM IN A TEENS LIFE, YEA WE ALL HAVE PEOPLE THAT WE DONT WANNA BE AROUND GET OVER THAT TO, AND ON TUESDAY I TALKED TO A COUNCLOR ABOUT "SOCIAL ANXIETY" AND I DO UNDERSTAND IT, AND NO ITS NOT A GOOD EXCUSE, AND ITS NOT A GOOD LABLE TO PUT ON UR SELF, AND U WONT HAVE A SEIZURE, AND IF LIFE WITH ME IS SUCH HELL MAYBE WE SHOULDNT BE FRIENDS, B/C FRIENDS, REAL FRIENDS, ARENT SUPPOSE TO THINK THAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE. AND SO NO ITS NOT UP 2 ME, ITS UP 2 U

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY OLIVIA.BRETT

 

LOVE ALWAYS EMILY