Loquacious Miss L. Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 The other night I was out with some friends. I saw a guy that I found attractive and I kept looking at him and he kept looking at me. Finally my friends said, "Why don't you just go say hi?" to which I did. I approached him and introduced myself and he and I got to talking and he came back and hung out with my friends and I for the rest of the evening. We hit it off conversationally and the attraction bit was through the roof. He had told me how he had noticed me all night as well and was trying to muster up the courage to say hello to me:) Anyway, we hung out for the rest of the night until it was time to go. He asked me if he could have my number and take me out on a date, to which I responded yes. We exchanged a few kisses (which were HOT) and we both went on our ways. It was really hard for me to not want to do more with him that night (he wasn't pressuring me in the slightest) but as I want something more serious relationship wise in general I think that it was good we said our goodbyes when we did. Anyway, he texted me later that night telling me it was nice to meet me and how he couldn't wait to take me out on a date and how he was looking forward to hanging out again. My problem? I can't stop thinking about the guy. We met on Wednesday night and I haven't heard from him since. There were no promises of when we would hang out or not. I don't know if I should wait for him to initiate contact or if I should drop him a line or not. I know I'm making too much of this but that "certain something" was there for me and it makes me really nervous. Should I wait for him to contact me? I hate this feeling but love it at the same time. He is just wow.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 Does anyone have any insight?
Ophelia11 Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Since he texted you last, I think he is waiting for you to make the next step. You have waited a couple days, so I think now would be the perfect time to ask him what he is up to this weekend. I was completely infatuated with my now bf, and is was a freaking rollercoaster of emotions, but I just took the philosophy early on that I had nothing to lose, possibly everything to gain.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 I just texted to say hello, so we will see what happens. I hate feeling like this, it's so uncomfortable....aaah.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 He never responded. I don't get it:( Especially after he was making a big fuss about how he couldn't wait to go out with me and stuff.
zengirl Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 That's the thing about bar hookups. Once you come back down to life, you maybe realize/think about something that didn't occur to you before. It just happens. I'll even admit there were guys I thought were great at a bar, but then, I thought, "Do I really want to go through the trouble of going out with them?" and didn't. (If I've kissed someone, they never deserve radio silence, though. They get some kind of excuse and/or the truth, depending on if I even know it at the time.)
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I would agree with you for the most part but neither of us were particularly intoxicated...so I don't know what happened. Just a courteous response would be nice, but I guess no response is response enough.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 He never responded. I don't get it:( Especially after he was making a big fuss about how he couldn't wait to go out with me and stuff. He may still respond - don't lose all hope yet. Did you ask him a question?
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 I said hello and how are you doing?
sugarmomma Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 See. He's not sooo wow after all. You can't go all on a person's looks. You have to take into account how they treat others and he is being plain old rude. I would tell him to lose my number. This is a preview of the coming attraction. No thanks.
D-Lish Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Never, ever, ever- chase after a guy. You diminish your value in his eyes when you chase.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Never, ever, ever- chase after a guy. You diminish your value in his eyes when you chase. So D-lish you never even send a single first text to a guy after the date? I don't think this girl here did anything wrong - he would have most likely dropped off a face of the earth regardless of what she did....
bittersweet memories Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Never, ever, ever- chase after a guy. You diminish your value in his eyes when you chase. Sorry but this is 2010..nothing wrong with showing a guy you are interested. Now if you go psycho on them constantly contacting them that is a different story..
zengirl Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 Never, ever, ever- chase after a guy. You diminish your value in his eyes when you chase. I think this is only true about the guys who are more into the chase than the girl. That said, one night of making out and chatting at the bar. . . well, at that point, who knows what he's into? I don't think a gal ought to "chase" exactly, but sending 1 text isn't exactly hunting the fellow down. It wouldn't diminish sincere interest, unless he was a guy who needed to chase all the way. (Many men enjoy chasing, as do many women at points, but only a select few men feel the need to control all the communication and chase of the dating. Those men are not my cuppa. No idea about the OP.)
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted July 31, 2010 Author Posted July 31, 2010 Ya know, usually I like the guy to pull out the stops and chase me. But I figured there was no harm in sending a casual text. Given that we were both relatively sober I was more prone to believing what he said especially when he made a big hullabaloo about wanting to take me out. But you're right you never know what he may have wanted...a simple hookup and all of that was to butter me up? He was telling me how cool I was all night and how beautiful and smart I seemed to him and the POW nothing at all. It's like don't bother saying those things-however I should know better at my age (32). Actions speak louder than words.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 I'm over it. Yay me. I need to be with someone who can and will make the time for me.
D-Lish Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 (edited) So D-lish you never even send a single first text to a guy after the date? I don't think this girl here did anything wrong - he would have most likely dropped off a face of the earth regardless of what she did.... No, I don't, not when someone says they will get in touch and I don't hear from them. If a guy says he's going to contact me to get together, then the ball is in his court to contact me like he said he was going to do. If he doesn't contact me, then it speaks volumes about his interest level. If I have to reach out and remind someone that they were going to call me- that's chasing. I don't believe in prompting someone to get in touch with me. If a guy really likes a girl, he will follow through. Edited August 1, 2010 by D-Lish
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 No, I don't, not when someone says they will get in touch and I don't hear from them. If a guy says he's going to contact me to get together, then the ball is in his court to contact me like he said he was going to do. If he doesn't contact me, then it speaks volumes about his interest level. If I have to reach out and remind someone that they were going to call me- that's chasing. I don't believe in prompting someone to get in touch with me. If a guy really likes a girl, he will follow through. Yes, I completly agree with this. Another question - how long after the first date is it appropriate to wait for a guy to contact you before you write him off?
Gallaxia Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 No, I don't, not when someone says they will get in touch and I don't hear from them. If a guy says he's going to contact me to get together, then the ball is in his court to contact me like he said he was going to do. If he doesn't contact me, then it speaks volumes about his interest level. If I have to reach out and remind someone that they were going to call me- that's chasing. I don't believe in prompting someone to get in touch with me. If a guy really likes a girl, he will follow through. Yeah, I agree too. Another question - how long after the first date is it appropriate to wait for a guy to contact you before you write him off? I'd say it varies from person to person. The answer lies in one's level of self-respect.
MrNate Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I guess it's time for some testosterone to step in here. Remember: Just because you feel sparks, doesn't mean he does. It's best to keep our expectations modest, lest we set ourselves up for major disappointments.
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Yeah, I agree too. I'd say it varies from person to person. The answer lies in one's level of self-respect. OK but what is normal for someone with healthy self-respect level? 3 days? A week? I kind of need to have a firm time point in my head after which I won't be accepting calls. In my dating experience, if a guy is REALLY interested he contacts within 24 hours (48 hours max). Anything more than that, and he is not that interested. Not sure if I should relax this timeline a bit.
Gallaxia Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 I'd say within 72 hrs is good. If one has time to eat a meal, any meal, heck, even a snack (meaning: being not insanely busy- which would then beg the question, why even bother dating?), then one has time to call/text to set up something else. Anything longer than that, and I'd start to think either he's not interested, hedging his bets &/or (still) shopping.
zengirl Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 No, I don't, not when someone says they will get in touch and I don't hear from them. If a guy says he's going to contact me to get together, then the ball is in his court to contact me like he said he was going to do. If he doesn't contact me, then it speaks volumes about his interest level. If I have to reach out and remind someone that they were going to call me- that's chasing. I don't believe in prompting someone to get in touch with me. If a guy really likes a girl, he will follow through. Okay, well, this I agree with to a degree. I am unsure whether or not he was clearly going to contact her; and I certainly don't mind texting a fellow about something without considering it chasing. For that matter, if I tell a guy I'm going to call him (which I usually won't do without meaning it, of course) and he then texts me to remind me to do so, I'm turned off. I think this is just human. . . not a matter of "boys should do the chasing" but "if someone says they'll call and they don't, they don't care that much about you." OK but what is normal for someone with healthy self-respect level? 3 days? A week? I kind of need to have a firm time point in my head after which I won't be accepting calls. In my dating experience, if a guy is REALLY interested he contacts within 24 hours (48 hours max). Anything more than that, and he is not that interested. Not sure if I should relax this timeline a bit. Most of my relationships were pretty varied on this scale. I've had a few guys do the whole "Just wanted to make sure you got home safely" text early on, the same night. I've had some guys text/call/email the next day to say they had a great time. But I've had long, substantial relationships come from a fellow who waited several days to call me and ask me out again. . . I want to say it was even a week at one point. Of course, it mostly depends on how busy the person in question is, when it is in the relationship, and how closely their actions follow their words. If I go on a date with a guy, he mentions wanting to see me next week, says he'll call in a few days, and he calls 4 days later. . . that doesn't bother me. He's doing precisely what he said he'd do. I tend to date guys who are genuinely busy, though, with demanding careers, interests, social lives, etc. Heck, my ex wholater proposed to me (I'd say there was quite a bit of interest) and lived with me later took more than 72 hours to call me when he first met me. Had I written him off with a "He's not interested; I shouldn't bother" then we'd never have gone out. Truthfully, he wasn't head-over-heels crazy about me yet (he'd just met me!) but he was definitely interested. (But I didn't contact him first. Truth be told, I'd forgotten I'd given him my number at all. I think the problem is when one person becomes attached much more quickly than the other.)
SadandConfusedWA Posted August 1, 2010 Posted August 1, 2010 Thanks Zengirl. I appreciate your input. So it seems that there is not a strong correlation between how soon the guy calls after the first few dates and length of a relationship. I see what you mean about interest levels. I know that if I am not HUGELY interested after a date (and most normal people aren't at the very early stages) - I won't mind or care if a guy calls like 6 days later. It's when there is a missmatch in interest levels that this becomes a problem. I have also had guys super interested at the start: multiple calls the day after the date, texts telling me how much they liked me etc only to completly dissapear 3 weeks later. I am going to keep this in mind as I go into another bunch of online dates next week.
Author Loquacious Miss L. Posted August 1, 2010 Author Posted August 1, 2010 So yeah he texted me last night, and I texted him back this morning. I am not thinking much at this point because I have no idea what's going on. I don't know how interested he really is and while I'd like to get to know him better I'm not going to beg him for his time. He contacts me, I respond. Otherwise, no dice. So the trick is to proceed like he's not even a part of any consideration whatsoever. Nothing to get too excited about at the moment.
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