Allthatsloveleigh Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 (edited) I've been dating someone for a long-ish period of time. No major issues in the relationship. Almost never fight. We both are confident in how the other feels, both secure in the relationship, no trust issues or anything. Overall, things are pretty great. We both are aware that it's not all that common to find oneself in such a relationship. Overall, we both think we are lucky to be with the other person, and are happy in the relationship. We both feel loved. But. Some things really kind of bug me, that seem kind of petty when looking at the whole picture. He can't really plan anything. He's not at all romantic (except sometimes verbally). Mis-management of expectations (sex used to consist of foreplay and sex itself last around 20 mins avg; now there is no foreplay, he just lubes his dick and we do it for like 7 mins avg, but mostly he likes bjs). He's kind of lazy. There's probably other things, but those are examples that are currently on my mind (and of course I have much more specific examples of those things, but that would make quite a long post, and this is already a bit long). Is this just what happens after the initial "courting" stages of a relationship? Am I a "grass is greener" type? Is it terribly stupid to end a relationship over things like this? Edited July 29, 2010 by Allthatsloveleigh
Author Allthatsloveleigh Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 He can't make plans. It really irritates me that he wants to go see a particular movie. It's sold out every time we try to see it. This last weekend he decides that we're going to go this week one night. He never picks a night and pre-purchases tickets. Today he calls me and says that we're going tonight. OK, fine. But then later he calls me and says he's going to the gym, will I look up movie times. That's fine, except that he always does this, and he was just on FB for a hour commenting on things (so obviously he wasn't busy). For the last three or four weeks he's been talking about going to a baseball game one night after work with me and a couple other people. He keeps bringing it up. But he has never once looked at the schedule, and I know that he will never purchase tickets and that this will never happen if I don't plan it. Etc. Is it silly to consider breaking up with someone over things like this, when everything else is good?
jsa100100 Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 well...seems like there are some things that you need to think about. Petty is really an opinion. If some of the things listed there are giving you serious doubts, esp the romantic and planning part, don't expect him to change. The worst thing is that you start getting really upset, he tries to change, and then when he disappoints (which he will), eventually you guys break up. Its much harder that way, so I suggest you re-evaluate and cut your losses early if you can't handle it. Edit: don't feel bad over breaking up with a guy over what might be considered "petty" by most. Some people fit better with you than others, but everyone is looking for that one person to spend the rest of their lives with and has flaws that you can accept.
Author Allthatsloveleigh Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 well...seems like there are some things that you need to think about. Petty is really an opinion. If some of the things listed there are giving you serious doubts, esp the romantic and planning part, don't expect him to change. The worst thing is that you start getting really upset, he tries to change, and then when he disappoints (which he will), eventually you guys break up. Its much harder that way, so I suggest you re-evaluate and cut your losses early if you can't handle it. Edit: don't feel bad over breaking up with a guy over what might be considered "petty" by most. Some people fit better with you than others, but everyone is looking for that one person to spend the rest of their lives with and has flaws that you can accept. I don't expect him to change (the not making plans thing is one expectation he never mis-managed), but I do occasionally feel irritated and resentful at the implication that he wants to do something so I have to do all the work (though he usually pays for us both, so maybe that's only fair, I don't know). He also does this in literally every single aspect of his life, and to all his family/friends. Such as wanting to go to the beach, but never taking the time to plan it/put it together, and just piggy-backing onto others' plans/invitations or else not going or doing anything. It seems ridiculous, because I know not everyone is perfect (and I actually like generally being in control and organizing/planning things), and everything else is good. I am feeling a general sense of disappointment at the moment, over the things I mentioned.
Jemay Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 Really depends on how much it bugs you..... but things can escalate, what bugs you a little, will bother you a lot more later..... on the other hand there is such a thing called tolerance.... most people have very little of it (me included ). When spending a lot of time with someone, one is bound to get a bit irritated at times.... lots of reasons for this, hormones, stress, boredom, etc. If you feel this relationship is special and you love the guy then work on your tolerance and give the guy a break... he won't be perfect, no one is. In your heart you know if you want to be with him or not. PS - with the sex thing, men will get lazy and if you let him get away with it, he'll most likely continue to go for the quicky..... kind of your responsibility, too, you know! Flirt with him, tease him, etc..... also, communicate with him! Men don't read minds!
Rifareal Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 That's etremely selfish your not married and he is acting like that? What happens when you are married? All i can say is how long can you take on this? You love him so much but he doesn't respond the way he should treat you. Think of it and ask him straight to the point and say if he wouldn't change you wouldn't want to continue your relationship. Piece of advice hope you've seen tha bigger picture and hopes this helps you.
Sabali Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Whatever happened to communication? Why just break up when you can try to resolve the issues by discussing them with him?It does sounds like he is getting kind of too relaxed but maybe he feels that you are not pulling your weight. Time to kick some life back into the relationship! Keep him on his toes but don't try to apply to much pressure all at once or you will just come off as a nag. By all means, don't let him ride on this. Finally, make sure you are doing your part! Are you taking any initiative or are you waiting for the catering?
SassyKitten Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 It does sound like he is taking you for granted a bit, especially in the bedroom! I wouldn't dismiss it as petty, I would examine if he's really appreciating you.
cleverpartner Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Most guys are very narrow minded, and women tend to think in different directions at once. To try to get a man to do something, or many things, will usually end in disappointment. If he does not pick things up as a habit, then unfortunately, you might just be wasting your breath just "talking" to him. Take him to the park or somewhere quiet and talk to him. Let him know how fun and interesting you find it when he caresses you and his manhood is already excited to come join you. send him sexy text messages and tell him how hot you think it would be if he would do this or do that. Stop asking him to do things and "Tell" him to do this, then make it a habit to not do something he likes when he ignores you or does what he always does. And when he asks, let him know thats how you feel when he behaves like you dont matter. A man needs something to chase, go after, achieve, conquer, and it is up to you to set the goal.
sugarmomma Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Stop having sex with him, he'll get the message. If you're giving it to him and not being satisfied he thinks that his behavior is acceptable. If he asks why you haven't been in the mood, then tell him.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 (edited) Have you tried to talk to him about any of these things? Especially the sex thing...that is just unacceptable...it does not have to be that way. I"m not sure what a "long-ish period of time" entails, but it doesn't really matter. Whether you've been together for 2 months or twenty years you should BOTH be getting fulfillment from your sex life. I've been with my bf for over two years and he still goes down on me (pretty frequently in fact)...we still have foreplay...we still have a fun and adventurous sex life... And don't even get me STARTED if you are going down on him and he's not reciprocating! Major pet peeve! I really hope you talk to him about this since as a guy he might be pretty clueless. He might think you like the 5-minute quickies just as much as he does! The other things you discussed...such as him not planning things or being romantic...unfortunately this is how a lot of men are. Just as I said with the sex thing, he might not even realize anything is wrong unless you talk to him. Explain that sometimes you don't feel like you are special or important to him anymore, for reasons X, Y, and Z. If he is understanding and willing to work with you on these issues, give him a chance. Otherwise, time to move on. Edited July 30, 2010 by kiss_andmakeup
kalikula Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 OMG, what?!?! I will not have sex if I haven't been properly turned on. No foreplay= no go. Do you come as well? If he likes bjs he should been returning the favor equally as well (Not sure if thats the case...?) Just don't have sex with him and if he asks you why you haven't been in the mood tell him because he isn't bothering to make the effort to get you turned on. He'll try harder if you don't put up with his laziness. As someone else has said. Other stuff: You may have to accept him as the not planning type and take over as the planner... But anyway you should really communicate with him especially about the things that are fixable. If they're not really fixable then... it might just be his personality that somewhat clashes with your own.
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