CuriousQDe Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I'm freaking sick of love. It takes too many twists and turns. I'd like to know what you make of the following scenario, what are the signs of a guy seeing someone else, and what you would do in this position? So I was starting to date a guy, when a guy I met last year reappeared on the scene. Let's call re-emerging guy DR. So when DR and I met, I had just gone through a breakup and although I liked him, I just wasn't present in the relationship and we lost contact. Just when I start dating again, DR calls and wants to know if there's anything still between us. About 8 months had passed. So we've gone out quite a few times, and the more I got to know him, the more I like him and so I broke off contact with the other guy. So DR is such a gentleman, I love that. Very funny and seems to be all-around good guy. Respected that I didn't want to move too fast. We didn't even kiss until our fourth date last year. So I started relaxing and opening up to him, and he asked me many times what I think about "us" and the potential of a future together. I haven't given many firm responses, but I told him I like him, enjoy being with him and want to know him more. I asked all the right questions, so I thought, because there were a few gaps in my understanding of his divorce, family, etc. He also asked me if I were seeing someone else and I asked him the same. We both said no. I had no reason to do anything but trust that answer. Well, some events have got me really, really puzzled, and I made the mistake of discussing this with a girlfriend, and now my mind is swirling. I need an an objective view on this. So one of our issues, if you want to call it that, is we don't see each other very often. He's working on two masters (so he says) and has a very demanding job. But he's supposed to be finishing in January, so I never doubted that. He provides very substantial answers when I ask him about his studies. When we are together, things are great, we have excellent chemistry, and things are progressing at a nice pace. But when are not together, it's just DEAD AIR...total silence. No calls. Maybe an occasional text. At first it was like we were playing phone tag, and now, my calls just don't get answered and don't get returned. Then he calls, we talk for an hour, he asks to go out, we do, have a great time, rinse and repeat. This is weird to me because 1: there was no indication anything was wrong and 2: he just asked me to go on a trip next weekend, but we haven't confirmed a single detail because we haven't talked. So my girlfriend is convinced he's living with someone. Then all of a sudden I see a bunch of signs that I wasn't paying attention to before: 1. All our dates have been after 9pm. He has said that's because he didn't want to go out in the heat. We are both single parents, and have to make a lot of plans to go out, so I never made anything of it, and I don't want to sweat around him either. 2. I have never been to his house nor have I been invited, but he says his son is going to visit his mom in two weeks. I naturally assumed he'd invite me over...but could that be a lie? Could it be a girlfriend who's going on a trip? 3. He's paid for every single one of our dinners with cash. I always thought that was strange, but thought it was his quirk. 4. He frequently talks about his family and their "technology" habits, web cams, facebook, etc. They all have very unique names, but I can't find a trace of him or them anywhere. I can't even find him on a people search. I honestly suspect i don't have his correct last name. He is a govt contractor, and I one day made this remark while we walking by this harborside office building that "DR Consulting" would be in the penthouse of the bldg. He goes DR? Is that you? I go no, you! But, here's why it was easy to overlook that: my name also begins with a D. I thought maybe he was jokingly referring me someday having his last name. He also once talked about a conversation he was having and when he was quoting that person, he started to say, "He said 'Mr....' and then he sorta glossed over his last name but whatever he mumbled did not sound like the name I knew. The thing that most concerns me is the no contact between dates. On our last date, he said we don't see each other enough, suggested we start having lunch dates. Some previous comments he made were that his ex-wife never understood his schedule and accused him of seeing other people; that he likes me very much but really hopes I am able to bear with him until he finishes school in January because school is taking up so much of his time. I am so okay with seeing him less because of school, but a phone call takes nothing out of your day. And contact is how I gauge interest, is that wrong? does any part of this scenario make sense without there being another person behind the scenes? What questions could I ask him that I haven't already?
TaurusTerp Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I'm freaking sick of love. It takes too many twists and turns. I'd like to know what you make of the following scenario, what are the signs of a guy seeing someone else, and what you would do in this position? So I was starting to date a guy, when a guy I met last year reappeared on the scene. Let's call re-emerging guy DR. So when DR and I met, I had just gone through a breakup and although I liked him, I just wasn't present in the relationship and we lost contact. Just when I start dating again, DR calls and wants to know if there's anything still between us. About 8 months had passed. So we've gone out quite a few times, and the more I got to know him, the more I like him and so I broke off contact with the other guy. So DR is such a gentleman, I love that. Very funny and seems to be all-around good guy. Respected that I didn't want to move too fast. We didn't even kiss until our fourth date last year. So I started relaxing and opening up to him, and he asked me many times what I think about "us" and the potential of a future together. I haven't given many firm responses, but I told him I like him, enjoy being with him and want to know him more. I asked all the right questions, so I thought, because there were a few gaps in my understanding of his divorce, family, etc. He also asked me if I were seeing someone else and I asked him the same. We both said no. I had no reason to do anything but trust that answer. Well, some events have got me really, really puzzled, and I made the mistake of discussing this with a girlfriend, and now my mind is swirling. I need an an objective view on this. So one of our issues, if you want to call it that, is we don't see each other very often. He's working on two masters (so he says) and has a very demanding job. But he's supposed to be finishing in January, so I never doubted that. He provides very substantial answers when I ask him about his studies. When we are together, things are great, we have excellent chemistry, and things are progressing at a nice pace. But when are not together, it's just DEAD AIR...total silence. No calls. Maybe an occasional text. At first it was like we were playing phone tag, and now, my calls just don't get answered and don't get returned. Then he calls, we talk for an hour, he asks to go out, we do, have a great time, rinse and repeat. This is weird to me because 1: there was no indication anything was wrong and 2: he just asked me to go on a trip next weekend, but we haven't confirmed a single detail because we haven't talked. So my girlfriend is convinced he's living with someone. Then all of a sudden I see a bunch of signs that I wasn't paying attention to before: 1. All our dates have been after 9pm. He has said that's because he didn't want to go out in the heat. We are both single parents, and have to make a lot of plans to go out, so I never made anything of it, and I don't want to sweat around him either. 2. I have never been to his house nor have I been invited, but he says his son is going to visit his mom in two weeks. I naturally assumed he'd invite me over...but could that be a lie? Could it be a girlfriend who's going on a trip? 3. He's paid for every single one of our dinners with cash. I always thought that was strange, but thought it was his quirk. 4. He frequently talks about his family and their "technology" habits, web cams, facebook, etc. They all have very unique names, but I can't find a trace of him or them anywhere. I can't even find him on a people search. I honestly suspect i don't have his correct last name. He is a govt contractor, and I one day made this remark while we walking by this harborside office building that "DR Consulting" would be in the penthouse of the bldg. He goes DR? Is that you? I go no, you! But, here's why it was easy to overlook that: my name also begins with a D. I thought maybe he was jokingly referring me someday having his last name. He also once talked about a conversation he was having and when he was quoting that person, he started to say, "He said 'Mr....' and then he sorta glossed over his last name but whatever he mumbled did not sound like the name I knew. The thing that most concerns me is the no contact between dates. On our last date, he said we don't see each other enough, suggested we start having lunch dates. Some previous comments he made were that his ex-wife never understood his schedule and accused him of seeing other people; that he likes me very much but really hopes I am able to bear with him until he finishes school in January because school is taking up so much of his time. I am so okay with seeing him less because of school, but a phone call takes nothing out of your day. And contact is how I gauge interest, is that wrong? does any part of this scenario make sense without there being another person behind the scenes? What questions could I ask him that I haven't already? I'm usually in these threads saying that you're overreacting......but yikes. More red flags than my credit report. There might be a reason other than cheating to explain all this, but there has to be SOMETHING to explain it. At the very least, it sounds like you've been given a fake name. Have you seen his ID?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Okay, an alarm is definitely going off. The way you listed his red flags, it sounds like he's having an affair only, you're the other woman! Can you afford to do a background check on him? I question if he's really divorced.
Author CuriousQDe Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I'm usually in these threads saying that you're overreacting......but yikes. More red flags than my credit report. There might be a reason other than cheating to explain all this, but there has to be SOMETHING to explain it. At the very least, it sounds like you've been given a fake name. Have you seen his ID? I definitely want to ask for it, but I would sincerely like to know what guys on the board would think if they were asked for their ID by a woman they are dating. I've gone through all my emails, and none of them have his full name in it, a fact I am only just noticing of course. And, he has always answered my emails from his Blackberry. But we have IM'd many times as well.
Author CuriousQDe Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Okay, an alarm is definitely going off. The way you listed his red flags, it sounds like he's having an affair only, you're the other woman! Can you afford to do a background check on him? I question if he's really divorced. I would certainly do a background check if I had the correct last name. He txted me his addresss months ago, and of course I have lost it now. My divorce case is clearly visible online, so I thought I'd check his. I tried searching his too. Couldn't find it. He is retired from the military and I checked the records of all the states I am aware of that he has lived in. Couldn't find it. So I flat out asked him to walk me through what happened with his marriage, his divorce, timelines, etc. He provided a very thorough answer and I was satisfied. Funny, I had just convinced myself to stop spying and trying to find out every detail about a person. Another flag I forgot to mention, which I also discussed with my girlfriend: On two of our dates, he only ordered an appetizer. He is a very tall guy who before had an enormous appetite. I thought he was being budget conscious, but maybe he wasn't hungry because he had just had dinner. This is why I have frequently suggested we do things other than have dinner when we go out. Like go for a walk, a hike somewhere, do something fun outdoors, but he said he didn't want to be out in the heat, hence the reason for the 9pm dates. It was so logical then. I don't know what to do or say or ask without sounding crazy if there is another explanation for this. And I feel kinda on the verge of a serious heartbreak because I literally just had this discussion yesterday. Until then I have been gloating in the beginning of what seemed to be a really nice relationship.
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