paddington bear Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Ok, so the other day, after ranting on here about being frustrated about being single. Subsequently I went to a bar with relatives of mine. And was immediately blown away by the attractive and chatty barman. He flirted, I flirted back. There was definite sparks. But I guess this is just a barman/bartender thing? A part of the job, to flirt, be friendly, serve drinks? An American male friend of mine told me not to bother, that all bartenders have their pick of people But...I'm not imagining it, there was definite sparks, him standing close beside me, joking with me and so on. So, should I go back to the bar when it's early and not so busy and try to start a conversation with this person, or is that just pathetic and stupid on my part? How meaningful is flirting when the man in question must meet hundreds of women every day that come into the bar? I would feel a bit embarassed to return, like as if I'm a schoolgirl with a crush (I do have a bit of a crush ) and to be making 'something' from what could have been just general flirting which this guy maybe does all the time with every girl....
Diezel Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I used to be a bartender. Let me tell you right now. Those sparks you felt... some other chick was feeling the night before or after. I saw the business first hand. Don't do it. We do meet hundreds of women every day and MANY of them throw their numbers at us or promises of sex at the end of the shift and some are even so bold to want to exchange sexual favors for a free cosmo. Don't get caught up.
zengirl Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 But I guess this is just a barman/bartender thing? A part of the job, to flirt, be friendly, serve drinks? An American male friend of mine told me not to bother, that all bartenders have their pick of people But...I'm not imagining it, there was definite sparks, him standing close beside me, joking with me and so on. So, should I go back to the bar when it's early and not so busy and try to start a conversation with this person, or is that just pathetic and stupid on my part? How meaningful is flirting when the man in question must meet hundreds of women every day that come into the bar? Maybe he does; maybe he doesn't. Maybe even if he flirts with everyone, he flirted differently with you. There's no way to really know except flirt with him again. I don't think he'd view you as pathetic, even if he wasn't interested. But, in general, flirting with a bartender is not very meaningful unless you're given some greater sign to see it is. FWIW, I dated a bartender that I met where he worked. He worked at more of a lounge, though, not a club. . . if it matters. And I had friends who owned it, so I suppose I knew the "crew" there.
Author paddington bear Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Diezel and Zen...meh! Pretty much what I thought. Guess though I will return and just see if it's more than just general flirting and flirting with me alone. Also, with flirting anyway, I have this theory. That guys who are good a flirting and do it with ease tend to either have numerous notches on the bedpost (as in they have had plenty of practice and you are just another one on the list) or are already in a relationship (the flirting doesn't mean anything, there is no goal at the end, rejection is meaningless as they have someone). So I am somewhat suspicious of men that are good a flirting, going by the theory that single guys tend to trip over themselves and are more nervous because there is more at stake. He may already have a girlfriend. It's so crap being my age. I guess this guy was in his mid-forties, so the liklihood of him being available anyway is probably pretty slim... I'll return and simply gaze I guess. Nothing wrong with enjoying some eye candy.
zengirl Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Yeah, the bartender I dated was good at flirting, but he was obviously nerdy. (He was also a med student. So. . . ) This was my college aged flirting, so it wasn't particularly suave on my part, and I'm not sure I'd say he was Mr. Suave. I don't know what to think about good flirting. Or 40 year old barmen. It really can't hurt to flirt again, with no expectations. Flirting is fun.
Author paddington bear Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Yeah, the bartender I dated was good at flirting, but he was obviously nerdy. (He was also a med student. So. . . ) This was my college aged flirting, so it wasn't particularly suave on my part, and I'm not sure I'd say he was Mr. Suave. I don't know what to think about good flirting. Or 40 year old barmen. It really can't hurt to flirt again, with no expectations. Flirting is fun. Well I'm not in the States, being a waiter or barman as a career is not looked down on here, or rather, what I mean is that it is not always necesarily a stepping stone career that you do in college or between real jobs. It is a real job, it's paid around the same as say, working in an office job, and you don't get a dreadful hourly rate and rely on tips (cause you don't get any), so the hourly wage on a par with other jobs. Hence being 40 and working in a bar is not something I'd be like 'Oh dear that's a bad sign' about. In any case, I have a feeling he might be the owner of this place. Not that that really matters either way. In any case, yes. Flirting is fun
zengirl Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Well I'm not in the States, being a waiter or barman as a career is not looked down on here, or rather, what I mean is that it is not always necesarily a stepping stone career that you do in college or between real jobs. It is a real job, it's paid around the same as say, working in an office job, and you don't get a dreadful hourly rate and rely on tips (cause you don't get any), so the hourly wage on a par with other jobs. Hence being 40 and working in a bar is not something I'd be like 'Oh dear that's a bad sign' about. In any case, I have a feeling he might be the owner of this place. Not that that really matters either way. In any case, yes. Flirting is fun Ah, I didn't mean it like that. I just don't know how 40 year old single men (or women, really) think. Never known any.
Author paddington bear Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Ah, I didn't mean it like that. I just don't know how 40 year old single men (or women, really) think. Never known any. oh I see!!!
Jilly Bean Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 some are even so bold to want to exchange sexual favors for a free cosmo. :lmao: That just struck me as hilarious, Diezel! lol Paddington, I would have to agree with the others. Bartenders are in the service industry - so, the nicer they are to patrons, the more they flirt, the more they act interested - the more you drink and the more you tip. Plus, play it out - suppose you went on a few dates with him, which would be day dates, obviously - lol. Could you trust this guy working every night, knowing hes meeting women the same way he met you? And being your age isn't a deterrent to dating, it's just that at 40, you're probably not going to find a prince in a watering hole.
Author paddington bear Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 Oh boo! You are all telling me what I know, but don't want to hear...except that no one tips barmen ever here. So, he's not flirting for tips...but of course, could be just flirting because that's what he does. Perhaps I shall prove you all wrong and find that he is an honest guy who took an interest in me and only me and we'll be married within the week...gosh, I've just see a pig flying outside my window
jamesum Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I thought women falling for the barmen is only something that happens in the movie "He Is Not That Into You". I guess in real life this does happen tons of times.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 ...except that no one tips barmen ever here. So, he's not flirting for tips... What kind of savage backwater has places where bartenders don't get tips? Anywhoo, over here in America, tips are all but required. This does have a tendency to turn good looking younger men into the equivalent of pole dancers. I kinda fell for one of those female pole dancer professional cock teasers once and she turned out to not know who she reallyu was or what truth meant. I see the entire bar thing a magnet for deception. I hate tipping those dudes in Irish Bars in NYC (Killarney Rose, McAnns et al). They never give a buy-back ever. Also some chain bars around the country like Fridays et al are so damn expensive these days you can't afford to drink enough to rate a buy back so I don't even know if they ever give one either. Still these people charge you $28 for three martinis and expect at least $6 for their service of shorting you by shaking the damn thing until it's half melted ice water before you get it. Fooey.
silverfish Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Hi PB I'm in the UK....I think it's different here. Pubs aren't a bad place to meet men IMO, but it depends on whether it's a social sort of place (small town place) or a city bar. It's easier if you can go to the same place with other people on a regular basis. I worked in a place last year where the Assistant Manager was in his late 40's....lovely man, single, polite, not bad looking....he found it mroe difficult to meet women working in a pub,as they are mostly full of men. I wouldn't rule him out, maybe go back, and sit at a table, do a crossword or something....see if he makes an excuse to come over. There's a thing called 'smirting'...going outside for a strategic cigarette at the same time as the person you fancy. Obviously it only works if you smoke
Author paddington bear Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 jameson...that movie...was...well...I'm laughing at the thought that my life has obviously become so cheesy...although obviously I am veering into that territory. Perhaps he advises one random woman on her disastrous love life and then at some point after countless phonecalls about her gone-wrong dates realises that he loves her. Perhaps I should start asking him about why my dating life is so dreadful. Though somehow I think, unlike the movie, this might not paint me in the best light. Frisky, I am not in a savage backwater how dare you??!!! I'm in Berlin, best (and sometimes the absolute worst) city in the world. I think the States (maybe Canada too?) are the only countries where this tipping thing has gone out of control. In more civilised countries (that was a jab at the backwater comment!) serving staff are generally paid a decent wage, tips are what tips are supposed to be, an added bonus for good service, not expected and not given if the service is dreadful and not used as an excuse by an employer to pay you meagre wages which you've to add to with tips (see conversation in Pulp Fiction for the pros and cons of this). Incidentally, what is a buy-back? In this backwater it is not uncommon to be locked in with the barstaff until the wee hours of the morning and served numerous shots, and all without one tip being given, just 'cause they like you (this has led to many stumbling home at 9am when everyone else is going to work situations, due to many bars here staying open until the bar staff decide to close, ah back in the days when I could be so irresponsible). Silverfish, thank you for your one vote of confidence. I'm not coming for the Stateside point of view regarding barmen or women for that matter. It's more like the UK here, apart from places staying open pretty much all night. This poor guy was the only person working in a busy bar, and that included table service, serving behind the bar, clearing up ashtrays, collecting glasses, and he was still relaxed, efficient, charming and had time to flirt with me I was pretty impressed to be honest. I guess, barman or no, that I always have the sneaky suspicion that if someone attractive flirts with me that it's too good to be true and they are just doing meaningless flirting that I should not read too much into it. But I suppose, I want to read more into it, but due to the social nature of his job, I am suspicious. I will go again and report back....
alphamale Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 So, should I go back to the bar when it's early and not so busy and try to start a conversation with this person, or is that just pathetic and stupid on my part? How meaningful is flirting when the man in question must meet hundreds of women every day that come into the bar?.... if you do go back you'll probably have to take a number and get in line
Author paddington bear Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 if you do go back you'll probably have to take a number and get in line I think what I've learned from this whole thread is that the solution to my dating problems is to become a barmaid (forgotten what you call them in the States). Then it will be me with the queue and the ticket machine, rather than being the one in the queue. Time for a career change methinks.
D-Lish Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I dated a bartender- I'll never do it again. He wasn't even particularly attractive- but women still threw themselves at him. Bartender's have the pick of the crop. They do get paid to flirt- that's how they make their tips.
alphamale Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 it amazes me that chicks are attracted to purveyors of alcohol who are the only sober person in the room and who also make around $20,000/yr
xpaperxcutx Posted July 29, 2010 Posted July 29, 2010 I'll be a barmaid just for the tips... You can flirt with a bartender but you can never play him. You don't even know if he's single because half the time they're probably already secretly married.
Author paddington bear Posted July 29, 2010 Author Posted July 29, 2010 Bartenders, comedians, muscians and dj's. I guess you put anyone in some kind of commanding position where they are 'on stage' (or behind a bar) people want a bit of that action. I reckon comedians are the ones that are probably the luckiest (considering the unattractiveness of many of them) as they have the added bonus of being extremely funny, along with being on stage.
jamesum Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 Bartenders, comedians, muscians and dj's. I guess you put anyone in some kind of commanding position where they are 'on stage' (or behind a bar) people want a bit of that action. I reckon comedians are the ones that are probably the luckiest (considering the unattractiveness of many of them) as they have the added bonus of being extremely funny, along with being on stage. Comedians do get a lot of female friends. But they dont wanna bang them. Except if they look like Dane Cook.
angielove Posted July 30, 2010 Posted July 30, 2010 I'm a bartender!!! But in Australia... so we don't really get tips either. None of the guys I work with would *really* flirt with someone unless they were interested. You'll never know unless you just go back there and ask him I say go for it! And if he is taken/not interested... at least you tried! On a slightly related note... when I'm working the bar, it seems like every male customer thinks they have a chance :S Every week I get asked out by homeless dudes and men waaaay over the age of 60 (I'm 22!!) haha!
Author paddington bear Posted July 30, 2010 Author Posted July 30, 2010 angie, yes! Another vote of confidence. Actually, went into the bar unexpectedly this evening with 2 male friends. And...he was not flirting with every woman in the bar or indeed working really, think it was his night off, so he was in there socially, but helped out a bit. and...well am not going into it, but it was clear that a) he might be single and b) the flirting was not a standard (some other girl tried her best tonight and ended up departing tail between her legs) whereas there was a little connection between me and him. Think this might be a slow burning flirty thing that might, just maybe lead to something (which involves me hanging out in this very nice bar many times, drinking until...which I have no problem with really).
angielove Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 You gotta be optimistic!!! Oooo that's so good that you were both there and he wasn't working. And it all happened by chance! I think you should become a regular... the more I see my cute regulars, the more I *crush* on them xx
homersheineken Posted July 31, 2010 Posted July 31, 2010 it amazes me that chicks are attracted to purveyors of alcohol who are the only sober person in the room and who also make around $20,000/yr' That's a pretty shallow assessment and also incorrect. It's been 10 years since I bartended consistently and I was making ~$35K.
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