What is this dynamic?

[weeble78]

Me and bf - 8 months, started getting comfortable, been through an awkward patch and now starting to fall even more in love. Talked about future, marriage and children and moving in soon.

 

Last week I decided to go home at the weekend and didn't invite him to come (which I normally do). Didn't think I needed to explain myself. He started behaving clingy one minute, but then not replying to calls/texts the next.

 

The next day we went swimming and he invited me for dinner after. I was in the shower, by the time I got downstairs he'd already eaten. Later that night I went to bed, he went downstairs with his mates and didn't return for an hour so I packedup andn went home mad (he's done this several times recently, and at the beginning I said I didn't mind as long as he came back to bed)

 

I went away. Usually he calls/texts at least once a day, I didn't hear from him (so I got in touch).

 

Told him how much I missed him and couldn't wait to see him.

 

Got home later than expected Sunday night, he didn't pick up my call until later on (which he's never done the whole time I've known him).

 

Next day I texted him to say how much I looooooooove him (we do silly things sometimes!) and we bumped into each other in town an dhad a very cuddly lunch. I texted him that night, he didn't reply until hours after he knows I go to bed.

 

He was clingy on text the next day, as if he knew he'd been funny. I went over last night. He asked me if I was ok, if something was wrong and I said I was fine (I was just riding it out at that point).

 

He'd cooked for his whole house, and didn't offer me any dinner - he always cooks me dinner when I go over.

 

I spent half an hour on the phone to my friend as he was with his, we watched a dvd till 11 then as we'd discussed I said it was time for me to go home to bed. He didn't offer to come with me.

 

I'm so upset. In a week it's gone from being blissfully happy and in tune, to delayed texts and spending no time together. I won't be seeing him now till Friday night so we'll only have slept together twice this week.

 

How on earth do I handle this?

 

We're going awya on our first holiday Friday night, abroad, for six days. I'm truly gutted.

[carhill]

How on earth do I handle this?

 

IDK, sounds like a communication style difference issue to me. How did your last relationship talk go, where you actually take time and share face-to-face how you each feel about the differences and similarities you face in your relationship?

 

From your brief description, it appears to me that you and he aren't communicating directly, rather tangentially, through action/inaction.

 

I missed these cues (and the opportunity to learn better methods) during this period and it caused much distress later in our M. Hope it works out for you

[weeble78]

Hi Carhill

 

thank you for replying - I'm feeling somewhat out of sorts this morning!

 

Last chat we had was about moving away together to be closer to his family, and settling down to think about making a life together for us and for children.

 

We had a chat as well some time about our differences in resolving conflict - he avoids it while I embrace it (but get too heated), and we recognise we handle things differently and need to calm down and communicate.

 

I feel like confronting him on the beginning issue that he was upset I organised to go away without him, adn that I feel like he's trying to manipulate me to become just as upset as he was through inaction.

 

All said in a constructive way, because I believe it if was done right, it could bring us closer together. I feel he is being a bit wary of me now, as if I've pushed him away.

 

I've tried reassuring him indirectly, but it doesn't seem to be working.

[carhill]

Here's a simple example of some communication, based on your OP:

 

'I feel confused when you ask me to join you for dinner and then eat without me. I want to feel like I can count on you'

 

Then, your part is:

 

'Hon, I'm planning to go home this weekend. I know I normally ask you along. This weekend I'd like to go alone. I'll be sure to call you'

 

This communicates your intent clearly, recognizes the change and shows your desire to remain connected. His job is to respond to that with how he feels about it, honestly. Myself, when stbx used to do such, I would say 'cool, hon, hug mom for me. We can xxxxx (insert flirty text here) on the phone'. Or, if there was something important going on 'Remember, we planned xxx and you agreed we'd both be there. What are we going to do about that?' Or, if I *wanted* to go, 'I'd really like to go'. Then, work it out.

 

In retrospect, I tended to be the 'communicator' but, remarkably, was poor at facilitating a receptive environment for an honest response. Think about that dynamic and apply as appropriate.

 

Now, when the cat doesn't like my communication style, he displays his switchblades and invites me to reconsider He's sleeping right now, so I guess I heard him correctly when he said 'tuna is fine'

[weeble78]

Carhill, your response has done me the world of good, thanks..

 

He mailed me at work today, having finally sorted out travel insurance. He then kept asking me what was up. I've got fed up and was withdrawing slightly because I don't like having to keep trying not to react to him provoking me.

 

So, I replied and said that to put it bluntly, I felt like I'd upset him by saying I was going home without asking him, and that I felt he'd been being up and down with me since.

 

Every time this happens, I ignore his behaviour until he pushes too hard and crosses a line. when I withdraw gently, he then tries to pull meback by being lovely. I find this difficult and want a peaceful life.

 

He responded by saying he wasn't upset and got defensive saying he hadn't been up and down, and tried to end the conversation.

 

I replied by providing an example (him not eating with me after inviting me), and reiterated that I love him and just want us to say what's on our mind.

 

He responded by saying it was a misunderstanding, and that he thought I'd told him to eat whilst I was having a shower (?!?!?), and that I've assumed something which isn't there. Then, he says he thinks the world of me and he never wants to visit another country, go to beautiful beaches or lovely countryside without me!!!!!!!! This when we're about to do just that abroad.

 

That made me furious and like he's trying to threaten me with not going if I don't stop going on about it.

 

I replied by saying I wasn't assuming anything because I am asking him now and trying to talk about it. Then I provided another example by saying when I left last night, he said 'are you sure you don't want me to come back with you' when I'd never said I didn't want him to come back with me because he never asked! I do think that's making assumptions - plus he'd already told his friend he would be back in a minute to do something with him.

 

So anyway, I am now angry as well as upset, we are supposed to be going on a romantic trip away in two days - how the hell do I handle this?

 

I feel manipulated into staying quiet, like I should ignore it. I'm so angry, things were perfect before this, I'd never been happier. Please help!!

[carhill]

A decade ago I would've internalized my feelings and gone. Today, I would accept the consequences of 'I feel like this is an unhealthy choice (to go on the trip under these circumstances) and am choosing to remain home'.

 

Up to you how you process your dynamic. LTR's and marriages should be overwhelmingly positive and healthy experiences. Of course, nothing is perfect.

 

I remember saying in MC 'I feel manipulated' and going on to specify the parameters of that feeling relevant to the current circumstances. Some people are expert manipulators. Some are not. Do you feel like you're being manipulated? Caution: It's easy to jump to this conclusion, based on emotions of the moment, but IMO true understanding of this dynamic is built upon historical word and action, one building block at a time. Temper the emotions of the moment with a cognitive understanding of the relationship history, accepting it.

 

A positive and progressive reaction from him could have been 'I want to work through this and enjoy our special time together. What do you suggest we do to accomplish that?'

 

Hope it works out. Perhaps this is just a bump in the road. Perhaps it's a canary in the coal mine. Only time and positive action by yourself will tell the story. Good luck

[Feelin Frisky]

This is why I feel it is important to find a mate with a strong set of interests other than me. When people make each other the single focus of their existence, little things that deviate from expectations can set off ridiculous over-reactions. This is what you call your co-dependence. One can only really police their own self into an even temperament and a state of giving the benefit of the doubt to someone else when things suddenly deviate from clutchy routine. But when they enter into a co-dependent relationship, one, the other or both can assume that they can only feel better by "fixing" the other person. Make no mistake, this is not an unusual problem and one that is complicated for people to understand. It takes the ultimate willingness to admit to the self that I am the problem--not the other person because people are fallible and make mistakes. I am the one who made it a crisis. And it's because my life is otherwise empty except for tending this other person.

[weeble78]

Sorry, do you mean I'm overreacting or him?

[weeble78]

He has texted me and told me he can't talk tonight as he has a friend down, but can meet me at lunchtime tomorrow.

 

I've chatted to my sister who thinks he is childish and could easily have accepted my request for him to admit he was upset, to open up the arena for talking and sorting things out.

 

I feel like I'm getting into a game of cat and mouse here, of push and pull. How things changed so quickly I'll never know, but I so regret not inviting him to come with me for the weekend.

[shlee]

He has texted me and told me he can't talk tonight as he has a friend down, but can meet me at lunchtime tomorrow.

 

I've chatted to my sister who thinks he is childish and could easily have accepted my request for him to admit he was upset, to open up the arena for talking and sorting things out.

 

I feel like I'm getting into a game of cat and mouse here, of push and pull. How things changed so quickly I'll never know, but I so regret not inviting him to come with me for the weekend.

 

Why regret it? You're letting yourself be manipulated.

 

He's just showing you who he is and how he is. Do what you will with that knowledge.

[weeble78]

So how do I get back to the place where he cared if he hurt me, how do I let him not manipulate me and make him worried about losing me?

 

I'm feeling pretty crushed here by all of this. He's out with a friend at the moment and I've not had so much of a phone call.

 

As far as I see it, he's behaved badly, I've called him out on it and now he's acting like a dick.

 

I'm not crying to him, getting angry with him or getting into an argument with him.

 

How do I handle this or has he now lost respect for me or something?

 

Should I be breaking up wtih him?

[carhill]

IME, most married guys I know process this as 'ignore the psycho-b!tch' but that only works if they have an emotional/financial/familial hold over their wife. BTW, I do not agree with that perspective but share it as one I observe often. IMO, his interest in compromise and addressing this issue will be directly related to his investment in the relationship. Neither of those parameters are under your control or influence. You can, and IMO should, do what is healthy for *you*.

 

Enjoy lunch with an open mind and a focus on what is healthy. A relationship is the confluence of *two* people and both party's perspectives have a bearing on the dynamic. Own your part honestly and transparently. What happens, happens...

[shlee]

In a healthy relationship neither of you would be worried about losing the other.

 

What you do is your choice - I've had enough life and dating experiences that I personally would not deal with such behavior at this point in my life.

[shlee]

IME, most married guys I know process this as 'ignore the psycho-b!tch' but that only works if they have an emotional/financial/familial hold over their wife. BTW, I do not agree with that perspective but share it as one I observe often. IMO, his interest in compromise and addressing this issue will be directly related to his investment in the relationship. Neither of those parameters are under your control or influence. You can, and IMO should, do what is healthy for *you*.

 

Couldn't agree more with all of this.

[Crazy Magnet]

I think it's important to move the relationship conversations away from text and email. Talk on the phone if you must, but face to face discussions are really needed for discussions about how things are going. There are too many opportunities to misconstrue meanings otherwise.

 

I know I'm lucky in that my BF and I can always go to one another and say what we are thinking (though it's harder for him). But try try try try to keep this face to face.

[Feelin Frisky]

Sorry, do you mean I'm overreacting or him?

 

No, the reverse. He's over-reacting on what seems like an innocent slip of routine by you. He's in such chaos that he's convinced himself to go to war with you by teaching you cruel lessons instead of giving you the benefit of the doubt and asking you directly what happened. He thinks this will hammer you back in line so that he knows his station as number one priority in your life. A person who has interests and perhaps a professional life or ambitions is a good thing to have because you know that their wheels won't come off the track if you deviate from routine. They are more likely to ask what happened and simply believe you because it detracts from their whole spectrum of happiness to get caught up in co-dependednt behavior.

 

If anything, all I said was that you are human and humans make mistakes once in a while. Your guy is trying to fix himself by fixing you. That's not right. He needs to fix himself by fixing himself. And that means learning what the "codependent" dynamic is and perhaps working on it with you if he hasn't already ruined the relationship. There are even 12 step fellowships for this where people go and admit their own codependent orientations and remind themselves through speaking it out loud that it is they who make mountains out of mole hills. Some unfortunately think going to these meetings is the be all and end all of the process of self change--it's not. It's a question of self emptiness and fixated focus on someone else as the source of their emotions. It's a tricky thing for a person so afflicted to understand, admit and rise above. It requires the admission of wrongness which as you probably know, people are very often defnsive, in denial and firmly unwilling to do.

[weeble78]

Guys thank you very much for your responses.

 

It's going to be difficult tomorrow, and I'm guessing already he's going to be very defensive as he always has been. I'm going to have to be a little bit tougher here now and stand my ground.

 

If only we weren't going away together, but i've spent a lot of money and can't miss out on this trip. He will try and distract me by being lovely and nice and hoping that I forget about everything.

 

I can understand why he got 'scared' when I decided to go without him, and I wish he'd talk to me as then we could work on things. He's the same when I go on a night out without him, and he also can get funny if I'm texting late at night.

 

Surely it can't be a dead end though, surely seeing what we've had and how happy we've been, there is some way of resolving issues?

 

I've just had a text from him now saying good night and he'll see me tomorrow, he loves me.

 

Thank you all for your insight - it really is valuable and helps me to understand things a little more. PArticularly when I'm feeling so emotional and vulnerable at the moment. I feel I could have a wonderful future with this guy if he could just relax in the relationship and feel secure.

 

We've both had horrible pasts and this has affected us - we both know that. I just don't understand why he seems so resistant to working on this together. He seems to view me as an adversary sometimes.

 

Fingers crossed for tomorrow, I'm going to read up more on codependency..