tigressA Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I wish I could erase my ex-FWB from memory, period. Things with new guy (we'll call him C) are going really well since our talk; he's been initiating contact every single day, he stopped by on Sunday for a surprise visit , and we have plans for this weekend. Sunday we went out to dinner; C picked the place. I wanted to say no but didn't want to arouse his concern, so I acted like everything was cool. Then I saw my ex-FWB's car in the lot, and I knew he was in there working. Thank goodness C and I didn't get seated in his section, but the place was far from crowded and he was able to stop by our table a few times to chat here and there. I hadn't seen or talked to him since I finally confessed my long-dead love for him last fall and he rejected me once and for all (I posted a few threads about the whole thing here on LS). As soon as he came over and started talking to us I knew it had been a mistake to go there. He and C were hitting it off, weirdly enough, and he was flirting with me! Saying I looked "great" and whatnot with this big grin on his face. When C asked how/how long we knew each other ex-FWB said "We go way back" with this sort of wink in his tone. Ugh, I was so pissed. I was trying so hard to be cool and not shoo him away so that I wouldn't have to explain anything to C. The relationship I had with ex-FWB is still a source of deep shame for me, particularly because I had horribly betrayed a guy (emotionally and physically) who was truly in love with me in favor of him, who never saw me as anything but a hot piece of p*ssy with some inside jokes thrown into the mix. I could feel that shame coming back in waves the entire time C and I were sitting at that table, especially in light of how things with him are going. He's being really beyond amazing and just seeing ex-FWB has been making me feel like I don't deserve any of it.
carhill Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Can you envision a different way to handle this kind of thing in the future? If so, how would that go? Imagine FWB guy was your ex-H. Obviously, if he (either one) are your ex, it didn't work out, neither for casual sex nor as a marriage, respectively. This is part of life, including the shame of the circumstances with FWB-guy. Nearly everyone experiences it, including C. Any thoughts on that?
Cracker Jack Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 It's okay to feel like that to an extent. But remember those actions were in the past. What you have with your man is what matters at this point; everything else before that is moot.
zengirl Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I think you got to let go of your own shame on this one before you feel better about it. That said, yeah, that would be a bit uncomfortable. I've never had that happen, but I have run into guys I've dated before when out with another. I just told the new guy, "Yeah, we used to date. We don't anymore." (I do technically multi-date at first. Now, that'd be a bit awkward. . . but it still doesn't make me against it. I guess I'd just say, "We went out last week" or whatever was true, if asked.)
Author tigressA Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 I think externally, I handled it really well. I was able to come off as very unaffected and like we really were just nothing more than platonic friends for the whole time we'd known each other. And one thing I have working for me in a major way is that C isn't fond of talking of the past; he prefers to focus on the present and the future. I know he'd never ask me about any of my prior relationships in detail. I just have a hard time getting past the shame of it all. I actually kept thinking about the offhand comment I made in the first thread I made about C--finding an FWB while we held off on sex for an undetermined period of time, and I felt sick. I felt like I had come close to betraying another guy who has been consistently showing me he really cares for me and sees me as so much more than an attractive warm body, and I've come across precious few of those.
carhill Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I'm sincerely hoping you aren't deluding yourself into thinking that C isn't aware that you and FWB-guy have had a sexual relationship. Problems occur when what a person is sensing emotionally and what they are receiving cognitively aren't matching up. If events unfolded as you described, I know I'd have a few questions for you and I'd be looking for the answers to match up with my spidey sense, which is rarely if ever wrong. Clarity is a good thing. The past is the past. Shame is a signpost. Give the straightforward honesty lane a try. I hear they've repaved it recently
Ariadne Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I wish I could erase my ex-FWB from memory.. Sunday we went out to dinner saw my ex-FWB's car in the lot I knew he was in there working he was able to stop by our table a few times to chat.. And can I willingly go without? I don't know. We haven't yet talked about being exclusive, so I'm contemplating finding a f*ck buddy for now. Would I have to tell him about that? comment I made in the first thread I made about C--finding an FWB while we held off on sex for an undetermined period of time, and I felt sick. I felt like I had come close to betraying another guy who has been consistently showing me he really cares for me Yeah, that wouldn't have been a good idea. Good thing things are sort of working with your bf now at least. You'll forget about Sunday pretty soon.
Author tigressA Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) I'm sincerely hoping you aren't deluding yourself into thinking that C isn't aware that you and FWB-guy have had a sexual relationship. Problems occur when what a person is sensing emotionally and what they are receiving cognitively aren't matching up. If events unfolded as you described, I know I'd have a few questions for you and I'd be looking for the answers to match up with my spidey sense, which is rarely if ever wrong. Clarity is a good thing. The past is the past. Shame is a signpost. Give the straightforward honesty lane a try. I hear they've repaved it recently I really don't think he knows. Even if he had an inkling I really don't think he'd ask about it (he hasn't so far), since as I said, he's not into talking about the past. And I'm worried that if I'm honest with him, even though my shame is palpable, he'll finish with me. What's so utterly delicious :rolleyes: about the situation is that C was telling me about a dilemma he's embroiled in with two of his friends--a guy and a girl who have been involved with each other. The guy's totally in love; the girl has had an on-off booty-call guy for the last 4 years who suddenly demanded they 'talk' when he found out about her new romance. She'd disappeared on her current guy and C (they'd had plans to hang out/help C move over the weekend), not answering his phone calls or texts, etc. C wanted my perspective on what the guy should do. And it was clear C was siding with the guy; he said "I don't understand how some people can reject someone great, who really loves them, in favor of someone who treats them like an object." And I did that for almost 3 years of my life...of course, if he does ask, I could just say, "Yeah, we dated" and he wouldn't want/need to know any more, and problem solved. Edited July 28, 2010 by tigressA
carhill Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 It just occurred to me who C is....he's the guy you had sex with at the beginning, then he broached the subject of abstinence for now, and has become abstinent with you. Is that right? I'd suggest, if you wish for the past to be the past and not invade the present, to actively avoid those people whom make the past a difficult or shameful subject wrt your current relationship. Perhaps, as you say, C doesn't 'know'. No need to tempt fate. Just an instinct. IMO, FWB-guy is just being who he is. You and he *both* made choices in the past. People rarely if ever behave exactly how one would like them to. This especially applies to exes, even if they are FWB 'exes'.
Diezel Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Oh... HE KNOWS. Don't even for a second think that he didn't get the impression that you and the other guy were "dating". If he didn't, then he's probably one of the most oblivious males in the world. No way a guy tells me that he "goes way back" with a GF of mine and I don't "get the picture". Are you sure you didn't stop him from going to that restaurant as to "not raise any concern" or... because secretly you kinda wanted to see him, even if it was a train wreck waiting to happen?
Author tigressA Posted July 28, 2010 Author Posted July 28, 2010 (edited) Carhill: Yes, that's C. I wanted to avoid the ex, but all I felt I could do at the time was go where C wanted to go. I figured, he'd let me pick where to go before, so it was his turn, and as I said, I didn't want to have him pick up on the reason why I wanted to avoid that place. I will tell you this; we're not going back there again if I can help it. Diezel: At any rate, if he DOES 'know', he hasn't asked me about it and I doubt he ever will. If he knows and had wanted to know more, he would've asked me by now--most likely that same day. And he hasn't. I certainly don't plan to volunteer any of that information. And no, I didn't want to see the ex. I hadn't seen or spoken with him by choice for almost a year now. I admitted in my first post that yeah, on the one hand it was nice since it was such a long time and we had had fun, but it became horribly awkward and uncomfortable for me really quickly ( in my head; I did well with not letting it show in my words/actions). I ended up letting the two of them--the ex and C--do most of the talking. I really was disturbed by how well they were getting along. C had wanted to say goodbye before we left but we didn't see him on the way out, so I just said "I'll tell him for you." Yeah right. Edited July 28, 2010 by tigressA
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