mr_atticus Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Hey, all, I need some advice. I've been talking to a girl I really like for about a week now. We've told each other things that we haven't told more than a handful of people; we've both acknowledged the amazing connection, both spiritual and personal, that we have; she's told me outright that she thinks I'm great. That said, she isn't ready to get into another relationship yet. And that's okay with me. I'm helping her with some things, mostly anxiety and self-confidence issues related to her last relationship. My question is, when is it appropriate to expect we might be able to transition to being in a real relationship? Maybe this sounds cheesy, but I fell in love with her the first time we talked. I just want to know what course of action to take now. I need to balance really caring about her with not screwing anything up.
nikayla Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Mr_Atticus: Don't get your hopes up! Sometimes, people who are hurt in previous relationships will seek emotional comfort with no intention of reciprocation or commitment. I say, help her if you must and offer support, but please do not enter this friendship with expectations. She may categorize you as the rebound guy or, even worse, treat you the way her ex did. Good luck!
BobSacamento Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 You have to avoid "friend" like scenarios like the plague and jump at any sexual type opportunities that come along. If she asks you to go shopping, say no, but you'll meet her for drinks later.
Author mr_atticus Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 What is exactly is a friend-like situation? It's obvious that right now she's too hurt to get into any sort of relationship, so it's hard to know where to know that she's rebounding and where she's actually interested.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Maybe this sounds cheesy, but I fell in love with her the first time we talked. I just want to know what course of action to take now. I need to balance really caring about her with not screwing anything up. Axe body spray should do the trick.
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I just want to know what course of action to take now. Ask her on a date. If it's a true connection and not a mind-f*ck, she'll say 'yes!'
Sabali Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) Hey, all, I need some advice. I've been talking to a girl I really like for about a week now. We've told each other things that we haven't told more than a handful of people; we've both acknowledged the amazing connection, both spiritual and personal, that we have; she's told me outright that she thinks I'm great. That said, she isn't ready to get into another relationship yet. And that's okay with me. I'm helping her with some things, mostly anxiety and self-confidence issues related to her last relationship. My question is, when is it appropriate to expect we might be able to transition to being in a real relationship? Maybe this sounds cheesy, but I fell in love with her the first time we talked. I just want to know what course of action to take now. I need to balance really caring about her with not screwing anything up. This post reminds of Dr. Zachary Smith from the old TV show "Lost in Space." We're doomed! We're doomed! You pushed your own ejection button when you became her psychiatrist. It's a professional relationship now. You are in the friendzone. She will go and screw an outlaw biker now then come to you for verbal comfort when she catches him sleeping in bed with another woman. I would avoid becoming a woman's psychiatrist. Edited July 27, 2010 by Sabali
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Asking her on a date will quickly move reality to the forefront and he will hear the truth. The good news is, if she uses men for receptacles, there will be another orbiter to take the OP's place when she either gets tired of him or when he exits for one reason or another. She won't go lacking or be in any pain other than that of her own making. Help her to stay on her path. Ask her on a date
Author mr_atticus Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 I understand what some of you are saying about that if I'm a friend supporting her, I won't be more than that. But we talk EVERY DAY. She called me at 11:00 last night (which she knows is late for me) because she needed someone to talk to. Sure, you could say that's only a friend role, but don't those lines of distinction blur pretty often?
Sabali Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I understand what some of you are saying about that if I'm a friend supporting her, I won't be more than that. But we talk EVERY DAY. She called me at 11:00 last night (which she knows is late for me) because she needed someone to talk to. Sure, you could say that's only a friend role, but don't those lines of distinction blur pretty often? Guy, they will call you at 3am to talk to you about the outlaw biker. 11am is nothing when a woman needs to talk to a friend. Women lobe to talk on the phone everyday. This sort of soul-spilling just doesn't work in a man's favor in the first week or second or third... You don't have to take my word for it. Try kissing her. I mean, if she has romantic feelings toward you and feels this connection with you after she sat in the chair for all the therapy , surely she wouldn't mind a small kiss. Right? Try asking her out and doing something none friendly at the end of the night and you will see where you stand. After a week, I wouldn't have told her things I have never told anyone. She is still a stranger, really.
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 OP, read my journals. I had such a 'friend' for about 25 years. My advice is hard and painfully-won. Up to you. If you truly wish to be a platonic friend, walk that path. Require that she be one to you as well. This is key. She will be there for you at 11pm when the woman you're dating squishes your heart. I've had that kind of female friend as well. Godsent, she was, and loved and remembered for her good heart and spirit. Let us know how it works out
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I understand what some of you are saying about that if I'm a friend supporting her, I won't be more than that. But we talk EVERY DAY. She called me at 11:00 last night (which she knows is late for me) because she needed someone to talk to. Sure, you could say that's only a friend role, but don't those lines of distinction blur pretty often? Hey... your situation is far from hopeless. However, you have to flirt with her, and get her to flirt back. Be very confident about that, and make it clear that you assume that your interactions are moving towards a romantic relationship. Just be upfront, confident, and a touch pushy. If she starts throwing up friend roadblocks, bounce and tell her only to contact you when she feels differently. I watched one of my good friends get "unfriendzoned" and he had been there for over 2 years. It takes a really strong guy to pull that off.
Sabali Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I don't know. The guy said he fell in love with her the first time they talked. How? Really, stuff like this gets you tossed square into the center of the friend zone. On top of that, he sat her on the couch. You must keep one thing always in mind when dating: It takes time for "crazy" to show up! Crazy just doesn't expose itself in the first week. Crazy likes to hide from you for as long as it can. That is one of the reason we have to take it nice and slow when it comes to dating. Crazy just wants you to rush in.
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 That is one of the reasons we have to take it nice and slow when it comes to dating. Yep, and one must be *dating* first to take it nice and slow. Again, this presumes the OP, by the title of his thread, wishes to be a *boyfriend* eventually. OP, you'll never 'friend' or 'talk' a woman into dating you and finding you attractive in the romantic sense. It works differently for them. You're getting the warm fuzzies in your balls. That's the 'falling' part. For me, it was the room slowly rotating. Still just as unhealthy, if left to grow in the absence of *dating*. Are you seeing how often I use that word?
that girl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 The question really is, would you be happy just being her friend if that was all she was willing to offer? The daily phone calls do not mean she is planning on dating you. In the last week she has told you that she isn't ready for a relationship- that means at the very least that she will not date you anytime soon. All this advice about pushing boundaries and staying flirty seems like a bad idea to me. I don't think this girl is going to accidentally sleep with you. Either she really is too damaged to date anyone now or she cannot see herself dating you and is trying to let you down easy.
zengirl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I would avoid becoming a woman's psychiatrist. I would agree with this. He could still ask her out, but really, if you want to date someone, don't be their psychiatrist. For one thing, when they get better, they're not going to thank you for it and associate you with positive things; they're going to feel embarrassed about it and want to date someone who sees them as fresh and new, if human nature follows suit.
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