Gallaxia Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Do you think being a backup is a good or bad thing when it comes to dating? The reason I ask is because, if you apply the same theory outside of dating, it doesn't tend to be so bad. For example- "if restaurant A is too crowded we can always go to restaurant B." Almost always, "B" is never crap. Why would you set yourself up for that? It's just another option. I know a man who told me initially he and his (now) wife started off this way and they have been happily married for almost 20 years now with two kids. Now I realize this isnt the standard but with this suggestion/analogy, is it really so bad to be on backup? Or Does it come down to one's pride? Dessert does come after you finish your liver n' lima beans... What do you think?
tigressA Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 No one wants to be thought of as second-best, someone to come after when things with the first person in line don't work out for whatever reason. It is pretty bad to be on backup. I know I would always be thinking that I wouldn't even be in the picture if things had worked out with the other person; I'd be plagued by thoughts that they had "settled" with me. I don't want to feel that way, and I highly doubt anyone else would want to either. You say that your friend and his wife started out this way; who in that situation was the backup? Do you know details?
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 When I'm just dating, I date multiple people. I've never seen any of them as being "on back-up," because it meant I wasn't convinced yet that any of them were truly relationship material. If I did, I wouldn't see anyone else until that was resolved (I'd seen it through either to realize he didn't feel the same or to be in that relationship) or I'd changed my mind. So: If someone was dating other people, I'd still date him, provided it was early. But: If he was actively thinking of me being a "back-up" and I knew it, I probably wouldn't keep dating him. Why? Well, I suppose it is a blow to one's pride, but the greater issue is. . . he's not looking at our compatibility/attraction. He's filling a slot. I don't want to be a slot-filler.
Author Gallaxia Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Good point on the "slot filler". TigressA, she was the one on backup. I don't know the full details but I do know she wasn't just sitting around, waiting. And it wasn' t a LD type deal or anything. For me, if I see the first signs of waffling, i'm outie. But then I look at 'them' and how happy they are & think, what the-?! Is there something to it?
wolfiii Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 If your seriously dating you should never be a backup. I can understand it when your just starting dating as things take time but after that no way. If their doing that get rid.
cookie2 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 If you ate at restaurant B last night because A was too crowded, but the next night you pass restaurant A and see it has spaces... wouldn't you go there? For that reason I would never be a backup.
Pink Cupcakes Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Did his girlfriend at the time know she was the backup (The friend of yours who married his "backup"?) It's not like if I were dating around, I would tell someone "You are in second place right now, so if it doesn't work out with Bob, then you're my number one." How would you ever know that you're the "backup"?
Author Gallaxia Posted July 26, 2010 Author Posted July 26, 2010 Did his girlfriend at the time know she was the backup (The friend of yours who married his "backup"?) Good question, I don't know. Sounds like this man is trying to incept you with the idea that being an OW to his wife might not be such a bad idea. Wha?! How do you figure?
carhill Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Canada provides a good analysis. Something's up.... Beware.... I'll assume this guy is a smooth talker...
Author Gallaxia Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 Oh Gawd! Well thanks for the heads up and male perspective. Canada, we are not friends. I just know him in passing. This was at a function and drinks were flowing so I'm sure that didn't help. Oh Gawd! I would not go down that road, if that's what was behind it.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) Do you think being a backup is a good or bad thing when it comes to dating? The reason I ask is because, if you apply the same theory outside of dating, it doesn't tend to be so bad. For example- "if restaurant A is too crowded we can always go to restaurant B." Almost always, "B" is never crap. Why would you set yourself up for that? It's just another option. I know a man who told me initially he and his (now) wife started off this way and they have been happily married for almost 20 years now with two kids. Now I realize this isnt the standard but with this suggestion/analogy, is it really so bad to be on backup? Or Does it come down to one's pride? Dessert does come after you finish your liver n' lima beans... What do you think? I can't be thought of as a "go to guy" IF the women doesn't score what she thinks is better. It's demoralizing and a kick in the ego. I won't have it. But of course this is a hypothetical thing. If however both have made it clear that he or she is not looking long term for a real commitment, the whole dynamic of where one stands in a pecking order goes out the window. I had a LTR which was rocky and getting rockier. We were at a point where we'd break up and make up often. But one day I really wanted to have an early afternoon get together (yes, for sex) because it was one of those occasions where I knew sex would be so good--the hair on my balls was electrified straight out. But she wouldn't see me, saying she had plans to go out that night with her friend Irene (whom I never met or heard of before). I told her she'd be free with hours to spare to see Irene and that I'm pretty much desperate for some right now (it was about 1PM). She would not budge. I got hurt and angry and suspicious and everything negative. I figured she wanted to go bar-hopping with Irene (if there even was an Irene). Then at 1 AM she rings my bell. I had already gone to bed and fallen asleep and all of the magic of that moment I was feeling earlier in the day was gone. I let her in (minus Irene the phantom girld friend) now that she wanted sex. Convenient, huh? It looked to me just how I thought. She struck out in her bar-hopping routine and now was coming to me when it suited her. Since she was my number one and we were even engaged at one point, it struck me that there was no answer to her behavior except that now I was her booty call. Yeah, I effed the shi+ out of her but that was the final tear in any trust or respect I had for her. Edited July 27, 2010 by Feelin Frisky
Pink Cupcakes Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) No offense, but you are criticizing her because you lost all trust in her simply because she wouldn't see you at the drop of a hat when you were horny? so you see it as a flaw if a woman won't drop everything just to have sex with you? So now a gal can't just want an afternoon to herself, and then go out with a girlfriend without being evil and having an ulterior motive? You have no understanding of love or trust whatsoever. Edited July 27, 2010 by Pink Cupcakes
zengirl Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I can't be thought of as a "go to guy" IF the women doesn't score what she thinks is better. It's demoralizing and a kick in the ego. I won't have it. But of course this is a hypothetical thing. If however both have made it clear that he or she is not looking long term for a real commitment, the whole dynamic of where one stands in a pecking order goes out the window. I had a LTR which was rocky and getting rockier. We were at a point where we'd break up and make up often. But one day I really wanted to have an early afternoon get together (yes, for sex) because it was one of those occasions where I knew sex would be so good--the hair on my balls was electrified straight out. But she wouldn't see me, saying she had plans to go out that night with her friend Irene (whom I never met or heard of before). I told her she'd be free with hours to spare to see Irene and that I'm pretty much desperate for some right now (it was about 1PM). She would not budge. I got hurt and angry and suspicious and everything negative. I figured she wanted to go bar-hopping with Irene (if there even was an Irene). Then at 1 AM she rings my bell. I had already gone to bed and fallen asleep and all of the magic of that moment I was feeling earlier in the day was gone. I let her in (minus Irene the phantom girld friend) now that she wanted sex. Convenient, huh? It looked to me just how I thought. She struck out in her bar-hopping routine and now was coming to me when it suited her. Since she was my number one and we were even engaged at one point, it struck me that there was no answer to her behavior except that now I was her booty call. Yeah, I effed the shi+ out of her but that was the final tear in any trust or respect I had for her. Wow. What a lame story. There are a million reasons why someone might not be in the mood for afternoon sex but might want to come over and have sex later, and, in this case, your weirdo attitude towards it strikes me as one of them. If a guy I was dating told me he "really needed" sex from me at a specific time, with such insistence, I would be thoroughly creeped out.
ngo_ng Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 what does psychology tell you? If you have a second choice, you will not put your attention on the first one. I believe that in relationships and other aspects of your life you must focus on one and one only at a time. This is specially true for men. It is proven that we can't multimanage. Do one thing, well and very well. That's it. If you are afraid of risk, then by all means go for it, but do realize that your attention will be split up and relationships where your focus is not there tend to fail. I'm talking from experience. If you just want to date and have no relationship planned, then by all means go for it, just make it clear with your dates. That's what is important, they might even understand you. Just say: "Hey! I want to be straight forward with you, I am not ready to commit to any thing serious right now, I like you but I am also leaving the door open to see what is in store for me. I like you and I don't want to hurt you, so please don't have any expectations for now." In my case, that might be what I will be doing in a few weeks from now... I am coping with a break up now. I want to date again to gain my wings but I don't want anything serious yet. I just want to regain my confidence without hurting anyway.
Sanman Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I'm fine with being a backup for friends, friends with benefits, or casual dating as long as it is mutual. If I have nothing better happening and they do not either why not get together. However, I would never do so in a relationship as it is just asking to be hurt if something better comes along for the other person. That said, the exceptions happen. I have taken women on dates who weren't my initial favorite people and later came to realize I liked them better and wanted them as a gf. However, I wouldn't do that if there was no chance of me having serious feelings for them.
Pink Cupcakes Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Yes I could also take what he said as meaning that his wife wasn't his first choice, but she was so great that she became his first choice. Although the suggestion that the guy was coming on to you is also a possibility.
WintersNightTraveler Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 I can see getting to restaurant B and realizing the food is way better and the decor much nicer. That said I'd much rather things started off as priority #1 if it ever got serious.
Diezel Posted July 28, 2010 Posted July 28, 2010 Love all the responses from people stating "I would never be a backup". Sometimes you don't know and you already are.
Recommended Posts