paddington bear Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Basically, after the absolute worst year of my entire life I am (touch wood) finally feeling like things are improving. But because things got so bad over the last 12 months, I ended up in therapy for the first time in my life as I was teetering on the edge of a total nervous breakdown which thankfully is no longer the case. At the last session I said something like "things are better, and I'm feeling positive about the future, but....I'm still totally pissed off that I'm eternally single. Why don't I have a boyfriend? Why? WHY? Why do I never, ever get a boyfriend ever? For some reason I am not allowed to have a normal, happy love relationship like other people do" She threw her hands up in the air and said that: 1: if I kept thinking I would never meet someone then I never would. So I pointed out that I've been through phases of being positive and upbeat about this and still have not met anyone, so it makes no odds what way I think about it, that the result is the same, I am single and alone - she laughed and said I need to 'try harder' 2: she said that now that other areas of my life are less stressful, that I need to be more aggressive about finding a man and make it a priority and to focus on that as my main aim. My problem with 1: 'thinking positively' about falling in love with the right person is that it feels like a lie. I know it is not going to happen because I've technically been single for over 10 years now, and nothing actually comes to anything no matter what I do. I mean I have tried EVERYTHING. I was needy and had low self esteem and was the female version of the nice guy, but I have changed that, I have lost weight, I don't do all the crazy crap of incessantly calling or texting, I try not to take it personally if someone I am attracted to isn't that into me, I don't freak guys out with talk of marriage and kids within hours of meeting them, I have had no complaints about my abilities in the bedroom. I've tried dating men that wouldn't be my normal type so that I'm open to new men and simply new experiences. I could go on and on about all the efforts I've put into improving my life, my mental outlook, but what a waste of time and effort that was. I might as well have stayed needy and been an incessant texter because... Nothing works. Nothing! It doesn't matter what I do the end result is the same and I simply cannot take another 10 years of my life just slipping by with nothing real happening in my love life. And I just don't know what to do any more. When I try to think positively 'it could happen, someday' my brain is just going 'no, that's a lie, you won't meet someone ever, you don't truly believe that that will happen'. I literally cannot imagine that yes, for sure, some day I will be happily coupled up. It seems like the most impossible thing ever, and I simply don't believe it will ever happen due to 10 years of nothimg which has only served to teach me that no matter where I live, what I work at, how I interact with others, that it makes not a damn bit of difference. I just feel like this is the one aspect of my life that I have no control over at all, that there is nothing at all I can do to change the fact that I'm still single and that I have already done everything that I could possibly do to improve myself and now I'm at the end of my tether and don't know where to turn or what to do. The only other option is to resign myself to the fact that I'm going to be a lonely old maid forever, but I don't want to resign myself to that fact. I'm attractive, full of life, with lots of interests and with lots of friends, but none of that matters. I might as well be some weirdo with 25 million cats with no social skills because either way I'd still be alone. For some reason I just don't get to fall in love. But I want to know why exactly I don't get to have that and other people do. 10 years without having one proper relationship will finally drive a girl insane. I am now that insane girl. It's just gone on for too long. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I'm simply getting superstitious now and feel like there is a giant, invisible blockage that prevents me meeting anyone, like I've been cursed, or that I had the big love in a past life and therefore I am destined to live this life totally alone. Is there any way around the fact that I simply cannot believe that I will ever meet anyone, that I cannot believe it will happen because it never has for years and years and years? How do I trick my stupid, logical brain to at least allow the possibility that things might be different in the future even though all evidence points to the contrary? And secondly, how on earth does one be 'more aggressive' about finding a man? Seriously? I remember trying that...and you just ooze desperation and the menfolk run for the hills and you are left coughing in their trail of dust. I know I am attractive, but now I am finally now desperate. I wasn't but now I for sure, am just simply desperate and getting frantic because of this never-ending singledom and I just want the desperation and the singledom to stop and for life to change. I've had enough of the norm. I can't take any more. I'm bored of being single, I'm bored of pretending that I don't care, I'm bored of having a stagnant life when the people around me are marrying, having babies, setting up businesses together, travelling the world together, and all the while I'm lonely and on my own still, always, always, always. I'm sick of waiting for love to happen, I'm sick of dating websites, I'm sick of going to parties and finding everyone is coupled up, I'm sick of swinging between giving up on the whole thing and then realising that I can't give up. I just don't know what to do. I really don't. Obviously not being desperate and bitter would help, but I wouldn't be desperate and bitter if my love life had been more normal in the first place.... sigh, rant, scream shout at the unfairness of life.
You'reasian Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) Nothing wrong with manifesting your desires - that's conventional thinking and it seems to work. Didn't see one mention of location, timing or actions/behaviors? Where? Location matters. City, venue etc. Seein you're in Europe, dating in metropolitan Rotterdam will be different than dating in quaint Lyon, for example. Going to a wine bar will be different than going to a hip hop club. When? Timing. Once you've thought about location, when's the best time to go to meet people like yourself? Do you work better one on one or feel better about crowds? What special occasions do you like to celebrate? How? Actions What actions are you going to take? Sitting at the bar and hoping some guy is going to talk to you will have the lowest return for your time investment...you gotta step it up. Focus your efforts on tangible factors. Manifesting/positive thinking is great, but you have to follow through with a plan and action, right? Edited July 25, 2010 by You'reasian
Author paddington bear Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 Nothing wrong with manifesting your desires - that's conventional thinking and it seems to work. Didn't see one mention of location or timing? Where? Location matters. City, venue etc. Seein you're in Europe, dating in metropolitan Rotterdam will be different than dating in quaint Lyon, for example. Going to a wine bar will be different than going to a hip hop club. When? Timing. Once you've thought about location, when's the best time to go to meet people like yourself? Do you work better one on one or feel better about crowds? What special occasions do you like to celebrate? Focus your efforts on tangible factors. Manifesting/positive thinking is great, but you have to follow through with a plan and action, right? Thanks for replying...after I posted I realised I'd written a novel of a rant. I'm suprised anyone made it to the end. - Berlin - Bar life - chatting up in bars is just not the culture here. Am approached in clubs...but by 25 year olds and I'm in my late 30's. I do love going dancing, not to meet people, just because I love it, but don't really have anyone to go with any more as while I have lots of friends, everyone is coupled up or gay with either gay male friends or other female friends. - you meet people here through parties, work and through friends but never in bars - so I'm told. Because I'm in my late 30's the last few parties I've been to I have been the only single person there...my workplace was all female with a horrible atmosphere, friends of friends are all either single women or in couples. - time? Late, late late at night, like starting your night at midnight and only getting into it at 4am. Kind of hard to do on your own. Would prefer if sparking up a conversation was possible while alone drinking a coffee in the afternoon, but it doesn't happen. - cultural differences. I'm not German and I don't get German men and how they operate despite being here for a number of years now. Not that culturally dissimilar, but different enough that I'm left totally confused by them and what my role is. So this is why I'm totally stuck. I don't know how to get myself into the situation where I might actually meet someone in the first place other than sitting in the aforementioned winebar on my own. Perhaps I have to just start lurking around various venues looking pretty and appoachable....
Enchanted Girl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I think it's okay to be frustrated. I think anyone would be frustrated in your position. I think different people progress in different areas of life at different speeds. My boyfriend and I for instance met each other at a fairly young age, but we don't have everything because of it. Neither of us has ever had a job that made more than minimum wage. I am 24 years old and have only worked in fast food. (This is not a fact about myself that I like to talk about.) Everyone I knew in high school has a better job than me. Sometimes me and my boyfriend have frustrated talks with each other about it because he's the same way. He feels like he's never going to have a "real" job. It doesn't mean it's hopeless though, especially when it comes to dating. There's a LOT of people out there going through the same things as you. You're not as much of a freak as you think you are. Every relationship (or attempted relationship) is a failure until you get to that one relationship that is successful. This is the way it is for everyone. Some people take longer to get to that point and some people take a short time. I believe you that you're trying. Just don't let your pessimism get in the way of you trying. All the people I've met who are old and never been married didn't want to get married at all. It was a personal choice. It may take you a long time, but you'll find someone who you can be happy with and who would be willing to be with you and marry you. The reason you should try to have a good attitude is because if you stop trying then there truly is no hope for you. And you can't let negative attitudes poison your relationships. But like I said, I don't blame you for feeling frustrated.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 Thanks for replying...after I posted I realised I'd written a novel of a rant. I'm suprised anyone made it to the end. This forum is full of long posts. Don't worry about it. No one posts here who can't get through reading a long post.
You'reasian Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) Thanks for replying...after I posted I realised I'd written a novel of a rant. I'm suprised anyone made it to the end. - Berlin - Bar life - chatting up in bars is just not the culture here. Am approached in clubs...but by 25 year olds and I'm in my late 30's. I do love going dancing, not to meet people, just because I love it, but don't really have anyone to go with any more as while I have lots of friends, everyone is coupled up or gay with either gay male friends or other female friends. - you meet people here through parties, work and through friends but never in bars - so I'm told. Because I'm in my late 30's the last few parties I've been to I have been the only single person there...my workplace was all female with a horrible atmosphere, friends of friends are all either single women or in couples. - time? Late, late late at night, like starting your night at midnight and only getting into it at 4am. Kind of hard to do on your own. Would prefer if sparking up a conversation was possible while alone drinking a coffee in the afternoon, but it doesn't happen. - cultural differences. I'm not German and I don't get German men and how they operate despite being here for a number of years now. Not that culturally dissimilar, but different enough that I'm left totally confused by them and what my role is. So this is why I'm totally stuck. I don't know how to get myself into the situation where I might actually meet someone in the first place other than sitting in the aforementioned winebar on my own. Perhaps I have to just start lurking around various venues looking pretty and appoachable.... Get involved in your hobbies, make friends and some new social avenues could open. This will allow you to meet new people. Avoid the bar scene. As far as culture is concerned, find/meet a German guy friend to give you a primer on dating. He'll help you paint a picture of some general expectations, do's, don't's etc. If he's a good friend, he can also introduce you to his other guy friends and take you to some venues that you might not be aware of that are good for dating. He can also be your wingman. Good luck! Edited July 25, 2010 by You'reasian
westrock Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 My problem with 1: 'thinking positively' about falling in love with the right person is that it feels like a lie. I know it is not going to happen because I've technically been single for over 10 years now, and nothing actually comes to anything no matter what I do. I mean I have tried EVERYTHING. You need to change your internal beliefs. That is what is holding you back. If you keep thinking that you will never meet anyone, then your brain will deliver on that. What happened yesterday, last week, last year, or the last 10 years has no bearing on what will happen tomorrow. Perhaps I have to just start lurking around various venues looking pretty and appoachable.... Sounds like you have not yet tried that. Pretty and approachable are important. How about hanging out at the library? Bookstore? Sitting in a cafe? Joining a hobby club that interests you? Volunteering at the local hospital? There are thousands of things you can do to get out there. Have you told everyone you know that you are single and looking for a partner?
SassyKitten Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I can completely relate to your rant, and I myself find that when I date it is so hard to be picky. It's natural human instinct to want companionship. I have gotten to the point where I am a snob about who I date, but unfortunately the fine-tuning the bull****-detector part still needs work.
Author paddington bear Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 You need to change your internal beliefs. That is what is holding you back. If you keep thinking that you will never meet anyone, then your brain will deliver on that. What happened yesterday, last week, last year, or the last 10 years has no bearing on what will happen tomorrow. yes, but getting my mind to believe that is my problem...it instantly says 'don't be so stupid, how on earth could that ever happen?' I can't seem to change that internal belief, I mean I'm trying. I know it would help a little. But there has been far too many let downs and disappointments over the years for me to truly, genuinely believe things might work out otherwise. I know for instance, if you are trying to lose weight (for example) rather than telling yourself 'I am slim. I am a thin person', you say 'every day I am becoming slimmer', your brain believes the second version as a possibility, but recognises the first one as an untruth and thus doesn't help you along. In my situation, I can't seem to find a way to truly believe that things might be different and to hope again (hopes have been dashed and shattered so many times). I'm at a loss as to how to make my brain not use the past as a template for the future, of how exactly not to cynically scoff at the idea that things will change for the better - this all sounds ridiculous, but you know what I mean, my brain is the old dog which doesn't want to learn new tricks...but there must be some way of turning this thought process around... Sounds like you have not yet tried that. Pretty and approachable are important. How about hanging out at the library? Bookstore? Sitting in a cafe? Joining a hobby club that interests you? Volunteering at the local hospital? There are thousands of things you can do to get out there. Have you told everyone you know that you are single and looking for a partner? Oh God, everyone knows, in fact it seems they are more worried and puzzled than me as time goes on which is getting embarrassing. And yeah, I mean I do a lot of stuff, art exhibition openings, cafes, browsing in book shops, walking friend's dogs in the park for them but I am increasingly spending more and more time alone which doesn't help, but then being out and about and sociable, while nice never actually had any impact on simply meeting guys. There must be some solution. I don't want to move from here, I am generally happy here, despite a year of stress and bad luck, but nor do I want to cling on in in a city where communicating with members of the opposite sex is an absolute rarity.
Zed Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 - Berlin - cultural differences. I'm not German and I don't get German men and how they operate despite being here for a number of years now. Not that culturally dissimilar, but different enough that I'm left totally confused by them and what my role is. So this is why I'm totally stuck. I don't know how to get myself into the situation where I might actually meet someone in the first place other than sitting in the aforementioned winebar on my own. Perhaps I have to just start lurking around various venues looking pretty and appoachable.... I think you need to give yourself some space. Since you indicated you have had a difficult last year—it will take a few months at least to process that experience and reform healthy thinking and attachment concerns. You have done well for yourself by actively helping yourself and not sabotaging your own efforts, thus you should give yourself more credit. As to the culture issue, I have an acquaintance that is mixed race -born to German/American parents who is married to a German but lives in America. Based on her experience--as she is far more Americanized and outgoing then her husband—she understood that some German men don’t really flirt in the traditional more forward way that she is used to and they are in genera,l far more reserved. A flirting culture is obvious when you go to France, Spain, Italy, Greece, but it is not as developed in Germany—again just going by anecdotal evidence. Perhaps guys are trying to get your attention and you don’t notice the subtle cues they are giving off. Her reasoning is that if a guy was talking to you and standing relatively close to you then he is interested. She stated that German men are risk averse and that women often have to be bold and make the first move and many more moves afterwards. Perhaps that is where your weak point is. Being available and receptive may not be enough. They prefer to be chased compared to the other groups. One thing my friend has noticed is that Germans seem very receptive to foreign, exotic type women and may be less formal in when they are not in familiar surrondings. Your complaint, however in regards to some german men is not unique. Still give yourself credit for rebuilding so far and work toward rethinking your strategy.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 There are a lot of potential issues/topics in your rant; since you titled the thread about thinking positively, and I've been in-your-thinking (with a train wreck love life that had little to do with how I looked) and in a better thinking, I'm going to focus on this one. Nothing works. Nothing! It doesn't matter what I do the end result is the same and I simply cannot take another 10 years of my life just slipping by with nothing real happening in my love life. And I just don't know what to do any more. When I try to think positively 'it could happen, someday' my brain is just going 'no, that's a lie, you won't meet someone ever, you don't truly believe that that will happen'. I literally cannot imagine that yes, for sure, some day I will be happily coupled up. The future is just as much of a trap as the past in some ways. Stop trying to imagine it. Imagining it happening is just making you think "It won't happen." It's creating its own reaction. Focus on the now. Literally. Travel to the past, for the guidance you need from experience, and the future, for planning that needs to be done. But live now. That sounds so ridiculously cheesy, but it really did work for me. I discovered meditation and some Buddhist/Taoist principles in Asia, as well as working with children, and it just sort of hit me. I don't know if you can ever learn it by reading it, though, because I heard people say it for years and years before I understood what they meant. I thought, "I'm thinking positive! I'm imagining positive things!" But, really, that's not being positive. Being positive is appreciating what you do have every moment. Appreciate love in the world---even if its not yours. Do you get jealous when you see happy couples? I used to. Now, they make me happy even when I'm feeling lonely/alone. Appreciate all the love you have in your life. Appreciate all the other good things. My dating life is so much better and richer (not right this moment, but that's my own thing, since I'm moving continents soon) for this attitude and all the other mental changes I made. Anyway, that was my lame self-help aside.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 I'm sick of waiting for love to happen, I'm sick of dating websites, I'm sick of going to parties and finding everyone is coupled up, I'm sick of swinging between giving up on the whole thing and then realising that I can't give up. I just don't know what to do. I really don't. Obviously not being desperate and bitter would help, but I wouldn't be desperate and bitter if my love life had been more normal in the first place.... sigh, rant, scream shout at the unfairness of life. Pad, I'm certain there is a guy out there who feels exactly like you do. Actually... I know a couple of them. You just need to find one in your area.
D-Lish Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 I'm surprised your therapist hasn't pointed out that you should be feeling your best before even considering pursuing a relationship with another person. When things aren't right in your own world, you won't gravitate towards worthy partners, nor will worthy partners gravitate towards you. You've got relationship on the brain, but your first priority should be you, and how you feel about you. I think one needs to feel completely comfortable about being single before they are ready to be in a healthy relationship. If you're not comfortable with you, then seeking a relationship becomes about defining yourself through a relationship, and it rarely works out well to seek that definition from the outside. You're not likely to kick off a healthy relationship between the hours of 12am and 4am.
bac Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 (edited) I do not understand the details why you can not find a BF. IMO, you might try casual sex for relaxation and stress relief. You say that you are attractive, so, I guess you can find a bunch of men to help you with that. Anyway, match your expectations with reality. If there is no special man for you, and you can not change it, try men who are not special. Truthfully, there are too many attractive females who have never met the special man in their life. It is not so unusual. Pay attention to what is still available for you. Men for casual sex are pretty available for attractive women. It is reasonable to take your chance now when you are attractive and young. If you look around objectively, you might see that there are too many women who are either unattractive or too old for even casual sex with men. Edited July 27, 2010 by bac
Author paddington bear Posted July 27, 2010 Author Posted July 27, 2010 thanks for all the replies...I feel a little better now. D-Lish, pehaps my therapist is lying...(they do that sometimes to make you react), but she keeps telling me that I am a very emotionally healthy person. S***ty circumstances that I couldn't cope with last year drove me to seek help, so I don't feel like I'm in a terrible place emotionally (just totally frustrated with my single status, considering that I'm not a knife-weilding maniac, bunny boiler). But I totally agree that you draw people, the wrong people to you when you are in a bad place, that for sure has happened to me in the past many times. That is Berlin, kind of standard that the night starts late. Obviously you can go out earlier, but most places are pretty empty before 10pm. bac..ha ha, I've nothing against a little casual sex now and then, but even that eludes right now and being honest, I of course would prefer something more than just sex. In any case...perhaps the whole 'be careful what you wish for' or thinking positively actually does work. Was talking to a friend of mine yesterday about this whole thing and she mentioned internet dating and I said that what I really wanted was to meet someone not in reality, in person where you just see them and think 'wow!' - and later last night that exact thing happened, for the first time in a long time I saw someone that I just couldn't take my eyes off. But he was working and busy, although some flirting happened. Not the best looking man ever, but there was something about him....dreamy sigh
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