headfirst Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 The guy i've been seeing for 5 months doesn't want me kissing any other guys and wants us to be exclusive but we aren't official yet, like I can't call him my bf. He is happy seeing me once or twice a week so it's nothing too serious even though I would like it to be stepped up a notch. He said he's happy with the current arrangement. Last night i went out clubbing and he asked me If i'd picked up and i said "no...but I didn't know i wasn't allowed to" then he said "no you cant :(" and wants to know if I agree with him but I told him it was too hard to have this discussion via text messaging. When I see him next, what would be the best way to approach the situation? I feel like atm he is having his cake and eating it too.
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 The whole "having his cake and eating it too" phrase always bothers me. People can have all sorts of relationships. The question isn't whether or not something is fair to you----it's what do you want. Do you want to date a guy for 5 months and not be able to call him your boyfriend? Do you want to be exclusive? Do you want to be able to pick up other guys at the club? Decide what you want. Then, if you aren't getting what you want from this guy, decide what's more important---what you want or this guy (generally, I'm always going to go with the kind of relationship I want, because even if I like a guy, if we can't have the relationship I want, what use is it? But that's a decision everyone has to make for themselves). If you decide he's more important, accept him as he is. If you decide what you want is incompatible and that's more important, talk to him about it, and if that doesn't move things, express that with your feet. Move along. There is no forcing someone else to change or do anything. It sounds like he's up for a conversation, at least, so no need to get all angry about it---just go into it knowing your lines, where they are, and what you want.
sugarmomma Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 If he is not willing to CLAIM you as his girlfriend, DO NOT agree to be exclusive with him. You will be settling and let him know this clearly and how dare he even say some crap like that?? Wise up. Don't be a fool for this person.
sugarmomma Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 He's not willing to step it up a notch and formalize the relationship because he (rightfully) suspects you are something of a wild party girl. You sound like a jerk!! What is that suppose to mean? Just because she goes out to clubs and likes to have fun it means she's a slut, or "party girl" as you put it?? Grow up. Many people that don't sleep around still go out to clubs. Like me for instance.
Fra Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 You sound like a jerk!! What is that suppose to mean? Just because she goes out to clubs and likes to have fun it means she's a slut, or "party girl" as you put it?? Grow up. Many people that don't sleep around still go out to clubs. Like me for instance. Well it certainly does not help going out to clubs for other guys when going out with a guy off and on. I mean.. It isn't about being a jerk. If a girl is just hopping around in a club after a date or two, many guys would not want to go into a serious relationship. Has a really bad feeling to it. Either you want the guy as your boyfriend or you do not. If you don't and are just using him to pass the time, let him go, and find a guy at the clubs your are going to. Also, if it has been as many dates as you say, I'd bet that you are partial to letting him go. Canada has a really good point. You gotta make a move to show that you want to be with him. Otherwise. Just keep doing what you are doing and you find yourself on the market again
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 There are lots of reasons folks go to clubs. I go out to support friends who are DJs or in a band or something. I go to events at local clubs. I go out for friends' birthday parties that wind up with dancing at clubs. Sometimes, I just go to dance with a friend for some fun cardio. (Not the grind-dancy hip hop clubs, as that's not my scene, but there are a few clubs with more indie club music that tend to attract more artsy/nerdy people where I go to dance.) Not sure why the OP goes, but almost all twenty-somethings I know go to a club from time to time, usually not to pick up folks (As it's a horrible place to do so). Personally, I prefer pubs/bars/lounges, but I do go clubbing from time to time.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 There are lots of reasons folks go to clubs. I go out to support friends who are DJs or in a band or something. I go to events at local clubs. I go out for friends' birthday parties that wind up with dancing at clubs. Sometimes, I just go to dance with a friend for some fun cardio. (Not the grind-dancy hip hop clubs, as that's not my scene, but there are a few clubs with more indie club music that tend to attract more artsy/nerdy people where I go to dance.) Not sure why the OP goes, but almost all twenty-somethings I know go to a club from time to time, usually not to pick up folks (As it's a horrible place to do so). Personally, I prefer pubs/bars/lounges, but I do go clubbing from time to time. I think your first post was 100% correct in terms of what steps to take next. In regards to WHY he hasn't gone to BF status... we can't say for sure. I agree with Fra that I would not be serious with a girl that regularly goes to clubs. I've been there... I know how it is.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 (edited) I agree with Fra that I would not be serious with a girl that regularly goes to clubs. I've been there... I know how it is. What if she invited you with her? I guess it also depends what you consider a club. I love to see live music, so I go out for that a lot. But, I mean, I go in jeans and a cute T-shirt or a dress with leggings or whatnot. I'm not out there with booty jeans and strappy tops. I'm by no means scandalous, and I've never had boys give me fuss for my "clubbing." If I've been dating someone for a bit, I'll usually invite them out with the group, unless it's a strictly girls-only affair (like a bachelorette party or something). But one of the fellows I dated was a musician (as well as his day job as a magazine writer), so he went out to bars/clubs to play more than I did. Neither of us ever cheated or had any issues with jealousy. I used to work with clubs on their advertising (not like those girls who pass out fliers -- I worked for an agency that created and placed their print ads/web ads/etc; that and health/beauty happened to be my client portfolio) when I was straight out of college, so back home, I know folks at all the clubs and I recall being there a lot for random events. I just didn't see the club scene being as scandalous as folks chatter on about it being. Certain clubs, maybe, on certain nights: I mean I don't go to Hip Hop Grind Night or whatever and I wouldn't want to date someone who did. Edited July 26, 2010 by zengirl
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 What if she invited you with her? I guess it also depends what you consider a club. I love to see live music, so I go out for that a lot. But, I mean, I go in jeans and a cute T-shirt or a dress with leggings or whatnot. I'm not out there with booty jeans and strappy tops. I'm by no means scandalous, and I've never had boys give me fuss for my "clubbing." If I've been dating someone for a bit, I'll usually invite them out with the group, unless it's a strictly girls-only affair (like a bachelorette party or something). But one of the fellows I dated was a musician (as well as his day job as a magazine writer), so he went out to bars/clubs to play more than I did. Neither of us ever cheated or had any issues with jealousy. I used to work with clubs on their advertising (not like those girls who pass out fliers -- I worked for an agency that created and placed their print ads/web ads/etc; that and health/beauty happened to be my client portfolio) when I was straight out of college, so back home, I know folks at all the clubs and I recall being there a lot for random events. I just didn't see the club scene being as scandalous as folks chatter on about it being. Certain clubs, maybe, on certain nights: I mean I don't go to Hip Hop Grind Night or whatever and I wouldn't want to date someone who did. Uh... are you sure your attending clubs? I can't think of a club in my area with live music... they all seem to have live DJ's. I was out at a club in DC a few months ago... and that place was very dangerous. A good chunk of the people there were high on drugs, and I had 1 guy and later a girl offer to sell me X. Maybe I showed up on a hip hop grind night... but it seems like most clubs are that way on busy nights. I'm glad you clarified the type of advertising. I actually dated one of those girls that handed out fliers... and it was a huge mistake. I don't really have a ton of respect for them anymore.
zengirl Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Uh... are you sure your attending clubs? I can't think of a club in my area with live music... they all seem to have live DJ's. I was out at a club in DC a few months ago... and that place was very dangerous. A good chunk of the people there were high on drugs, and I had 1 guy and later a girl offer to sell me X. Maybe I showed up on a hip hop grind night... but it seems like most clubs are that way on busy nights. I'm glad you clarified the type of advertising. I actually dated one of those girls that handed out fliers... and it was a huge mistake. I don't really have a ton of respect for them anymore. That's why I said it depends on what you think of as a club. Where I live now (Seoul), there are clubs, pubs, and hofs. Hofs are Korean bars (more like restaurants, really, as you stay at your table). Pubs include just dive bars and hookah bars. . . places that have a pool table, dart board, so on. They might have live music, but likely not. Clubs have DJs and sometimes live music. I just went to a Round Robin this past weekend at a club (6 bands/DJs play in quick succession). A lot of "clubs" back home have DJs some nights (and I will go to see really cool, innovative DJs, too) and live music on others. To me, a "club" is a large venue that doesn't serve food (many pubs/dive bars do) and probably doesn't have a pool table/dart board (maybe in a chill, lounge room, if it's a really big club with many rooms), has lots of different spaces, has a large dance floor area, and fits a large amount of people, many of whom came to dance. There is that wiggle room, "Well suchandsuch isn't really a club, but it's not really a bar or lounge" that pops up with the actual cool places, though. But, yeah, the main (small) music venues where I'm from consider themselves to be clubs. (Like the places where you'd see a known somewhat indie band or a popular local band ---- not a huge stadium concert.) But yeah, I'm not into the scene you mentioned. I know clubs that are like that but many that aren't.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 That's why I said it depends on what you think of as a club. Where I live now (Seoul), there are clubs, pubs, and hofs. Hofs are Korean bars (more like restaurants, really, as you stay at your table). Pubs include just dive bars and hookah bars. . . places that have a pool table, dart board, so on. They might have live music, but likely not. Clubs have DJs and sometimes live music. I just went to a Round Robin this past weekend at a club (6 bands/DJs play in quick succession). A lot of "clubs" back home have DJs some nights (and I will go to see really cool, innovative DJs, too) and live music on others. To me, a "club" is a large venue that doesn't serve food (many pubs/dive bars do) and probably doesn't have a pool table/dart board (maybe in a chill, lounge room, if it's a really big club with many rooms), has lots of different spaces, has a large dance floor area, and fits a large amount of people, many of whom came to dance. There is that wiggle room, "Well suchandsuch isn't really a club, but it's not really a bar or lounge" that pops up with the actual cool places, though. But, yeah, the main (small) music venues where I'm from consider themselves to be clubs. (Like the places where you'd see a known somewhat indie band or a popular local band ---- not a huge stadium concert.) But yeah, I'm not into the scene you mentioned. I know clubs that are like that but many that aren't. I see what your talking about. It's probably very different in Korea. Also those small places that show indie bands... I go there all the time and it's not bad at all. I've actually argued with you enough on other threads that I'm shocked when I read a post and completely agree. I think Headfirst should really pay attention to your original advice. It's really solid. She seems very unhappy with the current situation. I can't tell if she is unhappy being exclusive... or that she feels like he isn't exclusive.... or maybe she just wants a title...?
stace79 Posted July 26, 2010 Posted July 26, 2010 Well it certainly does not help going out to clubs for other guys when going out with a guy off and on. I mean.. It isn't about being a jerk. If a girl is just hopping around in a club after a date or two, many guys would not want to go into a serious relationship. Has a really bad feeling to it. Either you want the guy as your boyfriend or you do not. If you don't and are just using him to pass the time, let him go, and find a guy at the clubs your are going to. Also, if it has been as many dates as you say, I'd bet that you are partial to letting him go. Canada has a really good point. You gotta make a move to show that you want to be with him. Otherwise. Just keep doing what you are doing and you find yourself on the market again Uh, wrong, all the way around. Unless and until a guy tells me he wants to be exclusive and he is my boyfriend, I am totally free to do whatever I want. Girls are notorious for ASSuming they are in an exclusive relationship way too early, giving up dating or talking to other guys and then just find out the guy they really like never agreed to being exclusive and he's seeing three other girls on the side. I would NEVER stop my normal activities until my love-interest and I had the exclusivity talk and established our formal relationship. The OP was perfectly within her rights to go out, and frankly, the guy in this case has no right to tell her not to kiss or talk to other guys until he decides to be in an exclusive relationship with her. He wants her to "commit" to him and not see anybody else, but when asked he can honestly say "No, I don't have a girlfriend"???? Sounds like a guy looking for a brilliant way to be able to "cheat without really cheating"! What an idiot. I'd dump him on the spot for just treating me like he thought I was stupid.
SadKitty78 Posted July 27, 2010 Posted July 27, 2010 Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!! That is the classic female assumption leading to such pain and heartache - assuming there is something there when there isn't! Oh if I had known better in my earlier years, the pain I would've spared myself! This guy isn't hesitant because she is going clubs, there really isn't anything wrong going to clubs once in awhile with girl friends, it's a female bonding girls night out thing - guys do it ALL the time, why are we supposed to sit home or engage in a scrapbooking or knitting circle as a way to have a girls night out? It also matters where she lives. In a big city, going to the bars and the clubs is a proper way for a young woman to hang out with her friends. In addition, he wants "Exclusivity" in the, "no one can have sex with you and I'll just sleep with you until the next girl comes along and I will just end things and say, 'well told you I wasn't your BF" way. So until then, sweetie, seriously, go out and have fun! He isn't your BF. Exclusivity to him seems to only extend to sex but he sure doesn't seem to be committing exclusively in the emotional sense. So either you drop his ass or you just have your fun until a decent guy comes along who wants to actually be your BF! Uh, wrong, all the way around. Unless and until a guy tells me he wants to be exclusive and he is my boyfriend, I am totally free to do whatever I want. Girls are notorious for ASSuming they are in an exclusive relationship way too early, giving up dating or talking to other guys and then just find out the guy they really like never agreed to being exclusive and he's seeing three other girls on the side. I would NEVER stop my normal activities until my love-interest and I had the exclusivity talk and established our formal relationship. The OP was perfectly within her rights to go out, and frankly, the guy in this case has no right to tell her not to kiss or talk to other guys until he decides to be in an exclusive relationship with her. He wants her to "commit" to him and not see anybody else, but when asked he can honestly say "No, I don't have a girlfriend"???? Sounds like a guy looking for a brilliant way to be able to "cheat without really cheating"! What an idiot. I'd dump him on the spot for just treating me like he thought I was stupid.
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