EyeAlone Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I've had this issue ever since I was a teenager. Whenever I meet a guy that I really like, I become attached quickly. Even if I've barely known him, I'll invest so much emotional energy into him. Needless to say, this has led to many problems. I've been in abusive relationships because I attached myself to guys before really getting to know them. I've brought myself disappointment during first dates because I'm so emotionally attached to them like they were already my boyfriend. I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe I wasn't hugged enough when I was a kid? I've never had a long line of suitors waiting to date me so I've always felt like I needed to attach myself to a guy because who knows when the next one will come around. I wish I wasn't like this. Any advice?
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 (edited) I used to be like this. I think, for me, it's because the first boy I ever liked (the boy next door quintessential, a boy I grew up with) was my HS sweetheart and we had a fantastic relationship, grew together, were engaged, etc, and I've always assumed would be married had things gone otherwise (he was killed in a car accident when I was 19). So, my "why" is different from yours. . . I'm not sure if what helped me would help you, but here's what I have: I realized that I used to feel a combination of scarcity ("I don't really dig many people I find attractive") and over-investment ("If I do like someone, it must be magical somehow") from my naive background. So, I decided to turn it around. I began to look around me, at all the interesting people. When I saw great relationships, I didn't think, "Well, of course, those guys are already taken." I thought, "Well, they met somewhere. Look how many happy people there are together." Really, honestly, it's just like anything -- you can approach from scarcity or abundance. When you're approaching dating from abundance ("Look at all the awesome people out there"), it becomes much easier to see where things go. Now, it's difficult to truly do this. I faked it many times before I began to really feel it. For me, it was an overhaul of my whole life, becoming a healthier person in general, and focusing on being happy with each perfect moment that made dating fun again. That's not to say I never meet a guy early on and think, "Wow!" I think everybody does that. It's just a matter of not tying myself up about it, being healthy and happy with my self and my life, and realizing that if something didn't work out, that's no tragedy. That doesn't mean I don't still feel a bit of a sting if I get rejected. Of course, I do. It's just that it's not a bleeding wound. . . it's proportionate. And I can cheer myself up, focusing on all the things in my life that are going right. For me, I also had to realize that just because my first relationship had worked out straightaway didn't mean I didn't have to "learn" how to have good taste in men. Really, that was some dumb luck to a degree. It's not the same as finding someone later in life. So, it took me a few years, to really fix my people-picker. Edited July 25, 2010 by zengirl
collegeguy_24 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I can say this goes for both sexes as well. I am a guy, and I easily get deeply attached to women that I am interested, whether it be friendships or a relationship. I only ever had two relationships, in both I was/am deeply attached to my SO. I think for some people it can be natural, but like what zengirl has said, sometimes we need to take a step back and look around us, and look at ourselves. I am looking at myself and am realizing that I need to change things, but at the same time I am finding aspects of myself I can be proud of. I think you can do that to, i suggest you try meditation, that is what I use to focus and reflect.
bananaboat11 Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 I am a guy and I am not attracted to many women, but the ones I am... I want to invest in to get to know them and show them I want to be their man one day, but not to an obsessive point. I guess that's sort of getting attached b/c when it breaks... it kills me inside. this last one though... I'm learning NOT to get attached... I dropped her like a ton of bricks b/c she was insecure, irrational, lying, a cutter...
Author EyeAlone Posted July 25, 2010 Author Posted July 25, 2010 When you're approaching dating from abundance ("Look at all the awesome people out there"), it becomes much easier to see where things go. Now, it's difficult to truly do this. I faked it many times before I began to really feel it. For me, it was an overhaul of my whole life, becoming a healthier person in general, and focusing on being happy with each perfect moment that made dating fun again. That's not to say I never meet a guy early on and think, "Wow!" I think everybody does that. It's just a matter of not tying myself up about it, being healthy and happy with my self and my life, and realizing that if something didn't work out, that's no tragedy. That doesn't mean I don't still feel a bit of a sting if I get rejected. Of course, I do. It's just that it's not a bleeding wound. . . it's proportionate. And I can cheer myself up, focusing on all the things in my life that are going right. For me, I also had to realize that just because my first relationship had worked out straightaway didn't mean I didn't have to "learn" how to have good taste in men. Really, that was some dumb luck to a degree. It's not the same as finding someone later in life. So, it took me a few years, to really fix my people-picker.But it just feels like a huge tragedy if something doesn't work out. I can't really verbalize why it is such a big deal for me. I don't know what it is that I need from guys and relationships and why I need it and why my world shatters when I'm not with someone. I can say this goes for both sexes as well. I am a guy, and I easily get deeply attached to women that I am interested, whether it be friendships or a relationship. I only ever had two relationships, in both I was/am deeply attached to my SO. I think for some people it can be natural, but like what zengirl has said, sometimes we need to take a step back and look around us, and look at ourselves. I am looking at myself and am realizing that I need to change things, but at the same time I am finding aspects of myself I can be proud of. I think you can do that to, i suggest you try meditation, that is what I use to focus and reflect.See, that's the thing. I am proud of certain aspects of myself. I have a lot going for me. But I really want relationships to be "going for me." I don't know why I place so much value on the male gender. I am a guy and I am not attracted to many women, but the ones I am... I want to invest in to get to know them and show them I want to be their man one day, but not to an obsessive point. I guess that's sort of getting attached b/c when it breaks... it kills me inside. I'm exactly the same way. I don't know if my standards are too high or what the issue is. So when I do meet a guy who fits and my standards and am attracted to, it's extremely difficult to get over that person when they reject me. I'm stressing myself out over all of this. I really want to date but it's so hard to find someone I'm attracted to. But I'm scared that once I find another person, I'm just going to get overly attached and hurt again. Here's just another example: This is going to sound incredibly, incredibly stupid but I went out on a date with a guy last weekend who I thought was AWESOME. Unfortunately things didn't turn out well for whatever reason because he never contacted me for another date. But, I am still stuck on him. It's been a whole week and it was only one date!!! However, the degree of sadness that I feel is almost equivalent to what I felt when I broke up with my ex bf of 3.5 years. WTF this is not normal!! I am so messed up
zengirl Posted July 25, 2010 Posted July 25, 2010 But it just feels like a huge tragedy if something doesn't work out. I can't really verbalize why it is such a big deal for me. I don't know what it is that I need from guys and relationships and why I need it and why my world shatters when I'm not with someone. I don't know for sure what your issue is, but you're recognizing you have one. Think, explore it in some way. . . that's the best way to fix it. Be aware of it. I think part of it is you're approaching it from an attitude of scarcity ("There aren't many people I like out there!") and over-investing early on ("But I was really counting on this!")* *The quotes aren't yours obviously, just trying to illustrate what I mean. I used to be like that too. Really. It can change, but it takes work and an awareness of who you are and why you do what you do.
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