monkeymaid Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 this is my first post in this section. i seem to be hanging out with a lot of really cool girls ..like 3-4 a week that i get along with and can hang out with, but am not attracted to. ive hung out with a few and they are great people but the thought of kissing them just seems repulsing. i did kiss one lst night and she was a really bad kisser, and it bugged me till the morning. i really cannot decide if i am being shallow, distant, withdrawn, anti social or just having confidence and self esteem when it comes to my own personal standards. shes got a great body, and personality, but her acne kills it for me. ...shes 25 btw im 27 and this is my first stint dating since a break up in late february is my subconcious holding me back? any ideas? and this is like the 16th or 17th time this has happened
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Are you hung up on an ex? Her acne kills you? Ha.................................okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk What about proactive? I hear Jessica Simpson endorses it.
Author monkeymaid Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 "hay, ive known you for a week, weve been out twice, but i dont like your acne, how bout proactive!! jessica simpson uses it!" that should go over well its not a pimple here or there, its like ACNE!. ...just bad skin. and its not just her, ive gone out with bigger girls, less pleasing faces, just any and everyone who seems interesting as ive been very shallow in the past and only dated HOT girls, so im trying something different. ...and i like them, i just dont feel any sort of spark or chemistry. ...it feels to thought out and logical. i dont know exactly how to describe thism i just dont know where im dropping the ball and no, im not hung up on an ex.
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 You must be a hottie yourself eh? Like attracts like so why exactly are you wasting time on those beneath you?
Author monkeymaid Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 thats a pretty elitest attitude to take no? on some level you are right though. ...it seems that an exquisitely hot girl with an awesome personality and confidence to boot is harder to come by than i planned on. im not the best looking guy but i can hold my own and i have recently revamped most of my life to move away from the superficial world of los angeles while staying there becasue of business and work. its just a little frutrating. ...where do gorgeous genuine women hang out? ive tried the bookstores, hiking trails, gyms, libraries, grocery stores, dive bars, temple, church, drum circle and cultural evetns. i suppose i wil just keep going and it will hit me when it hits me!. thanks h&d
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I call it like I see it. I too have tried dating the not so salubrious type of guy. Bad teeth, eyes too far apart, that sort of thing. Even with an intellect match and an emotional match...at the end of the day, and I hate to admit it, it is the physical that will override.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 You guys both sound shallow in my opinion. I started dating my boyfriend (met him online) before I knew what he looked like. I realized that he could have acne, be extremely overweight, funny teeth, funny eyes, whatever you guys are talking about and I didn't care. I knew I'd be attracted to him because he is an amazing person and I was right because that's what matters to me the most. I've been watching The Hills lately and honestly, you saying that you're from L.A. and all this other stuff, makes you sound like you walked right off that show. I always watch that show and think that if I was friends with those girls in real life and single, I'd ask them to point out all the attractive men they found in the room and then go for anyone of the people they didn't point towards. I wince when I watch them date. Everyone has faults, you need to realize. You have to figure out which area you can accept faults in. It seems like you can't accept them in appearance, so you'll have to accept them in personality. I'm not saying all pretty people have bad personalities, but you seem to be looking for this super human sort of perfection and you're not going to find it. It doesn't exist. You are not perfect either and someone will have to settle for your faults to be with you as well. I know this post sounds judgmental, but it actually isn't. I like The Hills and that's why I watch it. Those people don't make me angry, but I could never be like them and I don't understand why they date the people they do. But you asked if you sounded shallow and I do think you sound shallow. And I'm sure that girl wasn't really a bad kisser. Whether a kiss is good or not actually depends a lot on whether you are attracted to the other person or not.
hopesndreams Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Good points EG. I really have tried to connect with someone on just emotional. But, you're right. I'm shallow. I have never been with anyone physically undesirable.
Author monkeymaid Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 how can i curb my shallowness then and find her attractive? what can i do to say " self, this girl is so frekaing cool!! and you definately want to stat up a relationship becasue her personality is amazing!!?" how do i convince myselft that she is hot and i want to ravage her with my very essence and give her the kind of physical pleasure i know she deserves when i am put off just by kissing her? how do i do that to any of them? you want blunt? how can i get excited to have sex with a personality? a relaitonship is 1. friendship 2. companionship 3. communication 4. respect 5. trust 6. sex im not looking for another friend. im not looking for a hookup. im not looking for a cuddle buddy who i can have a platonic relationshi with. i want a partner, an equal, a second half that wants to man handle me as much as i want to man handle her on top of all the perks of a fantastic friendship. please tell me how to manifest that when im not feeling it due on my part to a perceived flaw
Enchanted Girl Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 how can i curb my shallowness then and find her attractive? what can i do to say " self, this girl is so frekaing cool!! and you definately want to stat up a relationship becasue her personality is amazing!!?" how do i convince myselft that she is hot and i want to ravage her with my very essence and give her the kind of physical pleasure i know she deserves when i am put off just by kissing her? how do i do that to any of them? you want blunt? how can i get excited to have sex with a personality? a relaitonship is 1. friendship 2. companionship 3. communication 4. respect 5. trust 6. sex im not looking for another friend. im not looking for a hookup. im not looking for a cuddle buddy who i can have a platonic relationshi with. i want a partner, an equal, a second half that wants to man handle me as much as i want to man handle her on top of all the perks of a fantastic friendship. please tell me how to manifest that when im not feeling it due on my part to a perceived flaw It's hard for me to answer this question because I've never actually had this problem. It might just be something that comes with maturity towards relationships and age. I learned all these things from life experiences actually and that's something I can't just give you. You need to realize that even if you found a super hot girl that gave you all that companionship and everything else you wanted, someday she would be old and ugly. And so would you, but that wouldn't make either of you unlovable. Basically, the one thing that remains constant in a relationship is the person's inner beauty, not their outer beauty. But there's no way that I can make you see that, except to get to know more of those girls and the men that find those girls beautiful and see how beautiful their relationships can be. I also didn't tell you to change yourself in this area necessarily. It might just be a deal breaker for you not to be with someone that's very good looking. Different people need different things. There are things I need that other people don't, BUT I did tell you to figure out what faults you can handle at the very least, even if you can't let go of this because everyone has faults and you need to figure out what faults you can handle living with. The part I'm more scared about is that you sound like you have a standard so high that no girl is going to be able to live up to it. Anyway, do you know how you got these standards in the first place at all? That might help. Or have you just always had them?
zengirl Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 The red flag in your post is the nitpicky way you separate people's bodies -- their acne, their figure, etc. Healthy attraction isn't quite the same as that. I don't think anyone should ever go out with folks they're not attracted to, nor have to be with someone whose personality they don't dig. Are people really that afraid to be alone with themselves? Attraction: Look, I don't think it's shallow to want to be attracted to someone, but sometimes what one is attracted to is shallow or self-defeating. SHALLOW: If you care about how she looks to someone else or have a set of "features" you're looking for list-style. Attraction should be pretty basic. Look at someone. Are they pretty to you? Spend time with someone. Do you have chemistry? SELF-DEFEATING: If you're going way out of your league, it is self-defeating. If all the girls you find attractive don't reciprocate, you know you need to begin to adjust your beauty-meter. Are there drop-dead gorgeous girls who are also awesome? Yes. But they are few and far between. There are more pretty girls who are ridiculously cool, but they are also going to date guys who are generally likewise (not always, but on average). I've never dated a guy I didn't find handsome, but I don't have some list of requirements, I've not had trouble finding men who I thought were handsome (and plenty of them liked me too), and they all had great personalities too. Personality: If, in the end, you have to sacrifice one for some reason (I'm still not sold on the idea that we need to), I wouldn't sacrifice this one. Looks fade. Personality grows. I'm of the opinion we get more interesting (or at least more defined as people and experienced), and less beautiful, at a certain point. That's just the way life works. you want blunt? how can i get excited to have sex with a personality? Really, I'm a woman, but. . . I've never understood how I could get excited to have sex with just an attraction. I gotta have both. And I think that a guy's affection for me, his belief that I'm just freaking cool, and his interest in my mind has only contributed to our sex life, so to say personality is completely devoid from sex is silly to me. Sex is about both. Whilst people do have casual sex based solely on attraction, most people who've been in love (of either gender) will tell you, that sex is better. Though, yes, if someone repulses you physically or you're disinterested in them, you probably shouldn't sleep with them.
Author monkeymaid Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 ok now THIS is what i was looking for!! you guys are giving me the perspective and insight that i wanted. the nitpicking i dont do as a procedure or anything, i dont have a list of requirements, but when somehting strikes me, it stops me dead in my tracks and halts me from moving forward with a girl. i have had that spark with other girls that other people dont find attractive but i do. ...thats actually the norm for me. i like understated beauty. ...and little things have struck me as attractive in the past . for example: short finger nails, stringy hair (no i never told her i liked that), tough feet, knowing what the square root of 2 is. ....just random things catch my attention. i realize every ones definition of hot or attractive is different. my standards are not astronomical by any means. ..ellen page is gorgeous. rachel ray is almost my dream girl! if she were younger. i used to have a huge crush on ricki lake ..then i met her the only physical requirement i really have is she has to have a nice butt. everything thing else i am open to interpretation. that being said, maybe i just forced my standards too far down to counterbalance my once uber shallow view of women. ....i suppose balance may be the key here you all are an insightful bunch. keep it coming please!!
zengirl Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Randomness: Ellen Page is gorgeous. Why do guys try to roll her out in paragraphs about how they like different/plain things in girls? She is in no way plain or even a "different" version of beauty. She has petite, classically beautiful features that would've been beautiful in almost any modern time period (and this one). So weird to me.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 Randomness: Ellen Page is gorgeous. Why do guys try to roll her out in paragraphs about how they like different/plain things in girls? She is in no way plain or even a "different" version of beauty. She has petite, classically beautiful features that would've been beautiful in almost any modern time period (and this one). So weird to me. Yea, I agree.
Author monkeymaid Posted July 24, 2010 Author Posted July 24, 2010 because she is not over the top, in your face look at me look at me like most girls in la are are. i dont know her, but the vibe you get from watching her in movies or interviews is one that says i can hang with the boys, go to a back yard barbecue, camp, get dirty, and do it without makeup or bitching while turning around and putting on a dress for a night out wihthout being an attention whore so as to enjoy an activity with my man and not in spite of him. you are right she is beautiful but in a tangible way, not a dumb bitch princessy way
zengirl Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 because she is not over the top, in your face look at me look at me like most girls in la are are. i dont know her, but the vibe you get from watching her in movies or interviews is one that says i can hang with the boys, go to a back yard barbecue, camp, get dirty, and do it without makeup or bitching while turning around and putting on a dress for a night out wihthout being an attention whore so as to enjoy an activity with my man and not in spite of him. you are right she is beautiful but in a tangible way, not a dumb bitch princessy way Ah, yeah, she's also got the awesome personality vibe. That's cool. But that shouldn't make folks roll her out in a "down to Earth" looks sort of way. If someone thinks her looks are average or even only slightly above average, I think they're a bit nutty.
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