CARL45 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Recently I went out on what I thought was a date with a woman friend I like. I asked her when she was free and she told me the next week. I thought about my schedule and I told Tuesday. She sent me a text that said that Tuesday is fine, but since this is too frequent this is not a date right? Which I thought to mean that she thought we were meeting as friends and nothing more. I responded by texting her this comment " Are you trying to hit on me because your doing a horrible job. You should get better stuff." I thought it was funny. She responded by texting this "All jokes aside, I am serious. I only want to be your friend. I will never be your girlfriend, so if you don't think you can handle that then we can't hang out." Took we a while to responded back to her,but when I did I texted this " your too damn good of a woman for me to lie to you. We can't hang out. While I say that I will say I enjoyed the time we had and I also enjoyed being around you. Goodnight! I am just wondering if this sounded like a good response? I am tired of lying to women saying I just want to be friends.
skydiveaddict Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 yes it's an excellent response. Quoting Alpha:" never except the consolation prize of friendship".
ecko280 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 yes it's an excellent response. Quoting Alpha:" never except the consolation prize of friendship". Agree... I am never friends with girls that know i am interested in her.
zengirl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) yes it's an excellent response. Quoting Alpha:" never except the consolation prize of friendship". Sure, but then don't call her a "friend" as the OP did at the beginning of his post here. Be friends or don't be, but don't make your friendship conditional on her dating you. That's not friendship. OP, you did the right thing if you don't value her friendship at all, but want to date her, or if it would be too confusing/issue-wrought to be friends with her because of your interest. It's perfectly fine. But it's not likely to lead to success in either a relationship or friendship with her. It seems like you're cool with that, so, yeah, if it was right for you. . . you did the right thing. Edited July 23, 2010 by zengirl
Diezel Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 You did the right thing. And to be honest, so did she.
Sabali Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 You did the right thing. And to be honest, so did she. I agree. You both are winners here.
zengirl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I really don't think she would have gone out with you on the first "whatever it was" if she didn't have some glimmer of romantic interest in you. This is not true. (Okay, it is maybe true, depending on when he met her and why the man thinks it was a 'date.') I've been on plenty of meet-ups with guys I just liked as friends, even guys I'd just met. I like making new guy friends (and new female friends, too, for that matter). I meet new people all the time. Basically, I wouldn't hold onto hope based on what she "might" have been thinking at the time. She's being very clear and direct about her views now. That's doing the OP a great favor, if he really is looking for honesty.
Rifareal Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 guess you really messed up. you should have said sorry instead!!!
zengirl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 OK, I don't really disagree, but then the question would be, why not go out with this girl as friends only, for exactly the reasons that you say, that is, to build up a social network? It seems to me the people who are best at navigating these sorts of things are also very flexible and comfortable with a certain amount of ambiguity. Oh, I agree with the idea of socializing with people 100% because I like socializing with people and having new friends (and if I'd date someone, I'd befriend them, unless there are already such strong emotions there, it's uncomfortable, but that doesn't happen to me early on -- and I'm friend with even most of my exes, as we had our time and broke naturally). But the OP seems to be against it. No use in someone doing something they feel causes them pain. I do disagree with "hoping" she'll change her mind. That's a recipe for disaster.
Author CARL45 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 I just want to add that simply being friends with a woman is not something I want simply because it was once explained to me by a friend like this. He said that by being a woman's friend allows a woman to have a man in her life without the benefit of being in a relationship. The woman can have the benefits of have a man around, but there is nothing else going on in terms of romance between them. I agree with this idea. I don't want anymore friends especially female friends since those relationships make no since because I had romantic interest in the women I had as friends. I'm not saying men and women can't be friends, but I would rather be honest then lie.My response to this woman was to be being honest with this woman. I use to hide and pretend, but my time and my energy are way to valuable to me. Peace Out!
zengirl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 (edited) I am so confused. You say that you're not saying "A man and women can't be friends" but then you say this: He said that by being a woman's friend allows a woman to have a man in her life without the benefit of being in a relationship. I think this is either really unhealthy or at least really old-fashioned. I've always had male and female friends, from before puberty till now. And hopefully, I always will. We're all people. I like people. I make friends with people (gay men, straight men, gay women, straight women, and every other different version of sexuality and gender) because I appreciate them as people in some way. That doesn't mean I want to marry them (or even date/sleep with them). It has little to do with "a relationship." I get the benefit of their friendship, and they get the benefit of mine. If someone doesn't want that, it's cool. Maybe you are saying YOU can't be friends with a woman. I find that a bit unhealthy, personally: Not that you don't have any female friends (plenty of guys don't, I suppose) but that you feel that half the world is unfit to be your friend because of gender. The woman can have the benefits of have a man around, but there is nothing else going on in terms of romance between them. I agree with this idea. I don't want anymore friends especially female friends since those relationships make no since because I had romantic interest in the women I had as friends. I don't see my male friends as "having the benefits of a male around" generally. I guess a few have helped me move house (but so have some of my female friends) and knowing them gives me some insight into how boys think, but I don't befriend them to "use" them for their maleness. I befriend them because I find them interesting and fun to be around. I'm not saying men and women can't be friends, but I would rather be honest then lie.My response to this woman was to be being honest with this woman. I use to hide and pretend, but my time and my energy are way to valuable to me. Peace Out!Being honest is cool. If you don't like this woman as a person, then you shouldn't be her friend. If you cannot deal with being friends with a woman you aren't attracted to, you shouldn't be her friend. But to be all withholding about it and acting like there's some "great benefit" in your friendship that someone should have to commit to a relationship to get simply because they are an attractive person of the opposite gender is pretty lame and strange to me, whether you're a man or a woman. I found it equally odd when Charlotte on Sex and the City said, "Friendship is like the bonus of a relationship" or whatever, back in the day and expressed equal ideas. (Though I do think some exes aren't meant to be friends --- that's a different issue because there were actual, developed feelings and potentially sex and such involved.) Honestly, it seems manipulative, cold, withholding, and bitter. Edited July 23, 2010 by zengirl
Author CARL45 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 Men really get give you insight into other men. I think the idea of a man giving a woman tips is a joke. That's the same as a female giving a male advice on women. Women can never tell a man the truth of female attraction. When ever I talk to women about things like what they find attractive I always end up getting " Be nice and caring". This is nonsense women want strong and forceful. People are unwilling to tell each other the truth because they don't either want to hurt the person or because its not polite. Yes I have female friends. You know what most of the women I am friends with I am attracted to. I would say the men that are around you are attracted to you. Men don't hang around a woman unless there attracted to that woman. I dare you to ask some of your male friends.
zengirl Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Men really get give you insight into other men. I think the idea of a man giving a woman tips is a joke. I don't mean we sit around and talk about that stuff. I mean that being friends with men naturally gives me insight into what men (or men like them) think about things. . . the same way, for instance, living in another country has given me insights into the way the people here think, even without discussing each and every topic. It's very incidental cultural capital, and. . . as I said, that's not why I'm friends with any of my male friends. That's the same as a female giving a male advice on women. Women can never tell a man the truth of female attraction. When ever I talk to women about things like what they find attractive I always end up getting " Be nice and caring". This is nonsense women want strong and forceful. You know, I think its insane that men think they know more about female attraction than women. I also think men are mostly silly about the particular things you mention here -- women want strong men versus women want nice men (All healthy people want people who are both kind and strong enough to be good to themselves, male or female, from my view, but there are plenty of unhealthy people who want anything under the Sun). But that's another topic. Now, if you mean that some people don't always say precisely what they find attractive because (A) the way it's been brought up is uncomfortable to them, (B) they don't always know because some parts of attraction are ineffable (for men and women), and © people aren't always honest with themselves and others, well. . . Yeah. That's true of both genders. But it doesn't make the other gender any more likely to have the real answer and you shouldn't assume you have it. There is no answer to the question, "What do women want?" That's like asking, "What's the weather like on Earth?" While there are some truisms that apply everywhere, they are few and far between. There are so many different answers for different people, it's just not a purposeful question. But that's another point anyway. People are unwilling to tell each other the truth because they don't either want to hurt the person or because its not polite. This is what I mean by (A) above. Attraction cannot be honestly discussed if one person in the conversation is attracted to the other, especially if the other does not reciprocate. Although I think it's a frankly uncomfortable concept to just bring up, as a sort of advice thing, with anyone (same or opposite gender). Really, that's because I think there is no advice on how to be more attractive. The truth, in my eyes, is the only thing anyone can be is more who they are. Then, they will naturally attract the right people and build happier situations. Yes I have female friends. You know what most of the women I am friends with I am attracted to. I would say the men that are around you are attracted to you. Men don't hang around a woman unless there attracted to that woman. I dare you to ask some of your male friends. Pretty sure not all of them are, even the straight ones. Plenty of them are in relationships, some with friends (a few I've set up!), so I hope they're not carrying any torches. A lot of my male friends are my friends because we share similar interests, politics, and spirituality, sometimes very niche. I know some of my male friends are attracted to me, but they also value me as a person. That's what seems to be missing from the way you talk about male/female friends. Hell, I am (physically) attracted to some of them too. I don't want to date everyone I'm attracted to (compatibility comes into play too, and friend-compatible isn't marriage-compatible). And some of them likely feel the same way.
Author CARL45 Posted July 23, 2010 Author Posted July 23, 2010 I think I might not have made my point clear. Men and Women can be civil, but they can not be simply friends. This is silly. It can only go so far before someone admits that they are attracted to the other. I mine men and women friends is just new age bullsh*t.
ecko280 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I think I might not have made my point clear. Men and Women can be civil, but they can not be simply friends. This is silly. It can only go so far before someone admits that they are attracted to the other. I mine men and women friends is just new age bullsh*t. I agree with you 100%. I never hangout with a female friend. The only time you will see me with a female is because we are dating, or i am with a group of friends that there happen to be females in it.
BS76 Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Recently I went out on what I thought was a date with a woman friend I like. I asked her when she was free and she told me the next week. I thought about my schedule and I told Tuesday. She sent me a text that said that Tuesday is fine, but since this is too frequent this is not a date right? Which I thought to mean that she thought we were meeting as friends and nothing more. I responded by texting her this comment " Are you trying to hit on me because your doing a horrible job. You should get better stuff." I thought it was funny. She responded by texting this "All jokes aside, I am serious. I only want to be your friend. I will never be your girlfriend, so if you don't think you can handle that then we can't hang out." Took we a while to responded back to her,but when I did I texted this " your too damn good of a woman for me to lie to you. We can't hang out. While I say that I will say I enjoyed the time we had and I also enjoyed being around you. Goodnight! I am just wondering if this sounded like a good response? I am tired of lying to women saying I just want to be friends. PROTIP: Do not reply to them when they don't respond in a way that moves things along. Simple don't dignify her with an answer. Be aloof and uncaring. Let her invest in you a while by trying to chase down an answer, because that will get you on her brain and help flip the script of her letting guys do all the work. How you played it could work with a younger one that's not as experienced, but my gut instinct is you're going to come across as try-hard and forced playful to the point it backfires. It's a pretty common newbie mistake, but it is better than being a beta lapdog and putting her on a pedestal. When it comes right down to it if she's not going to budge and has some sort of hangup about it being a date, then she's playing head-games and/or isn't interested. Again, the bottom line here is you came off as try-hard. Not good at all.
sagetalk Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 Men really get give you insight into other men. Women can never tell a man the truth of female attraction. When ever I talk to women about things like what they find attractive I always end up getting " Be nice and caring". Well, you're right here. Women will tell you what sounds the best, but not always the truth when it comes to dating. Being nice and caring will get you what just happened. There has to be more, you have to go after her. If she rejects you, accept it and move on. Befriending girls you aren't attracted to is fine, befriending girls you are is dangerous. I think you did the right thing, and it takes a lot of guts to do that too.
mixwell Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 I think I might not have made my point clear. Men and Women can be civil, but they can not be simply friends. This is silly. It can only go so far before someone admits that they are attracted to the other. I mine men and women friends is just new age bullsh*t. I agree and disagree.. I have a female friend that I hang out with as a friend and not possibly something more.. She is attractive and I have told her I would bang her but her personality is very laid back like mine and I swear she is a dude with a peni$ tuck and boobs because she thinks like a guy at times.. With that said, she did have a boyfriend when I met her and still does so who knows, maybe I would have asked her out on a date back then ? Bottom line though is we're just friends and she's a bad ass chick and is one of the most laid back friends I have AND I would bang her but my feelings towards her aren't romantic but platonic..
phineas Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 But, is it true attraction when you only want to bang her & don't really care about her as a person? I can recognize a woman is hot, but if aspects of her personality turn me off I won't sleep with her because I don't want a relationship with her. hence, I can be friends with an attractive woman. but I probably wouldn't want to hang out with her all that much if I don't like her as a person anyways.
mixwell Posted July 23, 2010 Posted July 23, 2010 But, is it true attraction when you only want to bang her & don't really care about her as a person? I can recognize a woman is hot, but if aspects of her personality turn me off I won't sleep with her because I don't want a relationship with her. hence, I can be friends with an attractive woman. but I probably wouldn't want to hang out with her all that much if I don't like her as a person anyways. Even if she weren't attractive, her personality alone would be enough for me to be friends because she's really cool.. I will rephrase "bang" someone asked if I thought she was cute while she was with us and I said ya shes cute, i would hit it like just meaning i find her attractive. I like the fact that she's like one of the guys, shes not EVER bitchy and she is a great friend that I have 0 romantic emotions about.. It's weird, most other females I do talk to have been exes or someone that I have/had romantic feelings for. This is the only female friend I have that I see as a real friend with no romantic feelings.
zengirl Posted July 24, 2010 Posted July 24, 2010 I think I might not have made my point clear. Men and Women can be civil, but they can not be simply friends. This is silly. It can only go so far before someone admits that they are attracted to the other. I mine men and women friends is just new age bullsh*t. People can think what they will for their own lives, but I thoroughly disagree with this, as its not been my experience. I also wonder about people who make these huge blanket statements like "Men and women can't be friends." Many men and women are, all around the world. Who are you to question the health and veracity of their friendships? Also, your analysis forgets a lot about sexuality: Can two gay men be just friends? Can two lesbians? Can I be just friends with a gay man? With a lesbian? What about bisexuals? They can't be friends with anyone?
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