n0namebrand Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I've been with her for almost 4 months and she's been a long time addict. I'm pretty sure she stopped using drugs for 3 of those months. She is also Bipolar but isn't steadily taking her meds, but she has a re-evaluation appointment in less than 20 days. We can argue and fight multiple times per week. Recently it's been about her hanging around her best friend (a girl) who's also a drug addict/alcoholic. I felt from the start once they started hanging out and having late nights out, that 2 people who have a history of using drugs together, would start using again. I don't want her to hang around her or any shady people like her. This is what we've been fighting about recently. She goes off with her and I get angry. I will be honest with you and tell you I do have her Facebook and email passwords. We made up last night from our previous fight and agreed to spend some time today after I get off from work. Things seemed like they were going to improve, until she told me she was spending the night with her best friend. She didn't want to tell me exactly where she was either, she just said she was "completely safe" and having fun laughing and joking with her friend. I know it's wrong, but I logged into her Facebook. I read the chat between her and her friend (I'm pretty sure they were at a web cafe together down town), and my girlfriend is saying to her friend, "you want to do another one?", "want to do one after our time's up?", "want to do another bump?". I want to try things out again with her, I'm pretty sure she's not too deep into whatever drug she is doing now and that she can get out, plus her psychiatrist appointment is coming up. But her friend has to go....I'm pretty sure she wasn't using before they started having late nights together. How should I approach this to her today?
iammolly Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 How should I approach this to her today? You say "Hi, druggy girlfriend, this is no way to start or continue a relationship. I realize now that I deserve so much more than anything you would ever be capable of giving me. I care about you, and I want you to be healthy and happy. However, you continue to make choices to the contrary and I can no longer be involved with you in any way. I hope that you are able to get the help you need to change your life around. And if you ever do that successfully, then look me up. Good bye." and then you never talk to her again, move on. Best of luck to you.
Author n0namebrand Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 She was fine, when she was just with me and listening to the advice I would give her. I'm pretty positive she was clean for a period of 90+ days. Then she started hanging out with her so called "friends" and she started smoking weed again. I cut her off from the friend who would smoke weed with her. Then she reunites with the friend who does chemicals. All the while she's telling me she loves, etc., etc. I support her as she has no job and lost her apartment. She is staying with her best chemical friend. She confides in her best friend when she does something wrong in my eyes and we have a fight. She is very emotional, because of her bipolar illness. She makes very impulsive and questionable decisions, but I try my best to guide her. I think some of her impulsiveness stems from her bipolar, which can be treated. We fight because she says I control her life and dictate what she can and cannot do. But look what happened now...I was right to be angry about her hanging around her best friend again. She left all her druggy friends to be with me. I think she'd choose me over anyone. Then again, because of her bipolar, she doesn't think straight. She can be an amazing partner when we are alone and focus on just each other. I do feel bad for spying on her Facebook and email though...and when I bring this issue up today, I'm not sure how she's going to react to me logging into her stuff.
TaraMaiden Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 She was fine, when she was just with me and listening to the advice I would give her. I'm pretty positive she was clean for a period of 90+ days. Then she started hanging out with her so called "friends" and she started smoking weed again. I cut her off from the friend who would smoke weed with her. Then she reunites with the friend who does chemicals. You have to understand two things: One: YOU - CAN'T - FIX - HER. Only she can fix her. But you can't organise her life for her, make decisions for her or change her way of life. Two: You're not her counsellor, you're not her doctor, you're not her therapist, you're not qualified. You're 'just' her boyfriend, and you can only support her and love her. But you are not what she needs right now. if you were, she'd be with you, not lying to you and doing things behind your back. You were a novelty for a while, but that novelty is wearing off, especially as it's stopping her from doing what she wants. All the while she's telling me she loves, etc., etc. I support her as she has no job and lost her apartment. She is staying with her best chemical friend. She confides in her best friend when she does something wrong in my eyes and we have a fight. So you're very useful and handy when it comes to sponging off you. be careful. She will steal from you to feed her addiction, and addicts have no scruples, nor do they have any compunction to be clean, if they don't want to be clean. She is very emotional, because of her bipolar illness. She makes very impulsive and questionable decisions, but I try my best to guide her. I think some of her impulsiveness stems from her bipolar, which can be treated. Sure it can be treated, it's a manageable condition. It can be controlled and brought to an acceptable level. Only - she's not taking her Bi-Polar medication regularly, and therefore it's out of control. I know somebody Bi-Polar, very well. It's an absolute nightmare, because quite frankly, it's almost impossible to tell where the 'Bi-Polar' ends and the 'manipulative little mare playing on it' begins. Combine this with her chemical drug use, and this is a dynamite explosion waiting to go off.... And the fuse ain't that long..... We fight because she says I control her life and dictate what she can and cannot do. And I'm afraid in this, I have to come down on her side. No matter what her agenda, you cannot hope to have a part in controlling that.# You have no right, you're not adequately equipped to do this, and it's not your call. if she wants to self-destruct - that, unfortunately, is her deal. Not yours. But look what happened now...I was right to be angry about her hanging around her best friend again. She left all her druggy friends to be with me. I think she'd choose me over anyone. Nope. You might have been right to be angry, but you didn;t have THE right to be angry. It's her life, she's making the choices, you aren't. And you can't demand that right. Then again, because of her bipolar, she doesn't think straight. She can be an amazing partner when we are alone and focus on just each other. This isn't all down to her bi-polar condition. let me tell you that a person with Bi-Polar is still a person with an ability to judge, evaluate and make sane decisions. I get the impression she's playing on this big time. It happens. It's manipulative, and deceitful. And a person who's also hooked on other drugs has manipulation, deceit and dishonesty off to a fine art. I do feel bad for spying on her Facebook and email though...and when I bring this issue up today, I'm not sure how she's going to react to me logging into her stuff. Don't bring anything up today. Your best bet - much as you honestly believe you are justified in what you have done - is to simply tell her it's over. tell her that you simply cannot continue in this way, to have a relationship with someone who is so emotionally damaged that she will always choose idiocy over reason. You need to leave. And tell her you have her passwords, and tell her to change them. Then block her, and dismiss her form your life. She Is Not Your Problem! And you - you are NOT her salvation. She is. When she wants it. And right now - she's made her choices, and your way doesn't figure.
Author n0namebrand Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 As much as I want to be there for her and help her through this, we can obviously see the relationship is not healthy. When she wakes up, she's going to send me messages about how much she loves me and misses me. I don't want to butter her up when I reply, as I'm leaning towards breaking up when I see her after work. I guess I'll just reply to her that "Sorry I'm really busy at work today and I'll see you afterwards." On another note, if I do break it off today, I'm worried about her having a major relapse or doing something harmful to herself.
TaraMaiden Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Much as I hate to say it - and much as you might hate to hear it - THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM...!! if she has a relapse, then that is her choice of movement. You are not responsible for the stupid choices she makes. And actually, you're not responsible for any of the sensible ones she makes either. Whatever she decides her course of action will be, it will be hers to take. You really need to be up-front, honest and straight with her. "I don't want to see you any more. Your self-destructive tendencies are too worrying to me, and I can't take any more responsibility for you. Please change your passwords on facebook (and wherever else you have them) and let's call this a day. Do NOT contact me again, for any reason. I wish you well, and I hope you get the life you really want." And that's it.
CaliGuy Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 She's a huge problem and as much as you care for her, she is not relationship material for you. You can be a friend, help her get clean and what not but as far as dating, I would say no. There are much better women out there for you and all this is going to be is a very long headache for YOU.
northstar1 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 She will drag you down man, it's up to her to stay clean - but she will end up making your life hell How old is she???
Vcygnus1 Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 What kind of drugs are we talking about? Something a doctor is giving her or are they illegal durgs? If they are the former you really have no say in it and it might be legit. If they are the latter it is time to tell her you will help her stop but if she is unwilling to try and change, You are gone.
torranceshipman Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 (edited) Definitely end it - she sounds like a nightmare. IT's true that she isn't your problem, as harsh at that sounds...you certainly don't need someone like this in your life. And also if she enjoys taking drugs, hanging out with druggie mates, and doesn't take her bipolar medication then that is a total recipe for disaster and it is not something you can fix for her. Edited July 22, 2010 by torranceshipman
Author n0namebrand Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 They're definitely illegal drugs. I don't do drugs, but I know what "Let's do another bump" means. Her best friend's guy buddy does MDMA she told me. Either they got it from him, or they're snorting meth. It's some powder it seems they were doing. It's 1:30pm and she hasn't texted me like she usually does. Either she did too much and is sleeping it off. Or she could feel bad about what she did and can't face it to talk to me. It's probably best that I don't know what went on last night. She's 20 years old. It's going to be hell guys....I really hate to see her life go down the drain, when she was doing so well.
Author n0namebrand Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 I logged on to my Facebook during work and seen this on her status, "Had a great night with my best friend! Another one tonight?!?!" Yup, she's addicted again. This is pretty sad. She has no remorse and wants to do it again. And now has the nerve to text me just now asking how I'm feeling and how my day at work was, like she didn't even relapse again. I really don't feel like talking to her ever again.
torranceshipman Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 It's going to be hell guys....I really hate to see her life go down the drain, when she was doing so well. Doing so well? You've only known her 4 months. Believe me, she's been 'doing so well' about 20 times before she met you, but the problem is it only lasts a few weeks at a time, then its back on the drugs for months. Man, if she is this messed up at 20 then God only knows (unfortunately) what she'll be like as she gets older. Also long term drug abuse can cause severe mental illness so her drug use might actually have cause her bipolar disorder (or certainly made it much much worse). Good luck but my advice is to not be drawn into that horrible druggie world of hers.
make me believe Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Dude, why are you even wasting your time?? All of this drama, fighting, and drugs after only four months? Cut your losses and run!
Author n0namebrand Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 At a time, I believe she was genuinely trying to better herself. She was on her meds, she tried get a job, she went to the Centre for Mental Health and Addiction (she still has her psychiatric re-evaluation coming up in a few weeks), she was staying away from the people who might enable her. It's just sad. It's her friends who influence her. The one she smoked weed with is now in a psych ward. I did manage to convince her that she wasn't going in a good direction being with her friend. In her head right now, she probably thinks that everything is alright and I'm going to give it another chance. That her so called "Girl's Nights Out" seem completely harmless to me. She hasn't messaged back since the first message she sent after lunch. She might be too strung out to judge the time and how long it's been since I've ignored her message. I don't think she's in the shape to see me today and she doesn't want me to catch her like that. This is good, because I have some time to think about how to break this off and read everyone's advice here. I'm thinking of going the distance route. I won't tell her I know what's she's been doing, that'll make her flip out. I'll just act distant, until things cool off. I'm dealing with a bipolar person who is extremely emotional. She has scars on her arms from cutting and has tried to make suicide attempts. I'll act distant and hopefully she hang around her best friend and forget about me like she's been doing lately and meet other people and she'll be too involved in her thing and move on.
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