Xanif Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Hey all, new to the community and seeking some advice. I just started dating this girl I met at a friend's wedding recently and we have really been hitting it off. The thing is this, I'm in my early twenties and have never really been in a relationship and haven't even been on a date in upwards of five years. This fact came to light, not that I was actively hiding it, when we were hanging out with some of her friends and the topic of ex's came up. To say she was shocked would be an accurate description as she said "But why? You're cute, funny, and nice." I just said that I haven't and moved the conversation along. I thought that the issue had been resolved but it has been brought up a few times since them and she just doesn't seem to believe me. The fact of the matter is that I have been struggling with bipolar the majority of my adult life and while I have found a medication that manages the symptoms extremely well, the presence of the condition hampered my social expeditions severely. It is because of this that I have never really been in a relationship. I am not ashamed of the medical condition and I don't actively hide it (my friends and coworkers are all aware I have bipolar) however I haven't really found a way to say it to her besides "Well you see I've been insane for the last 5 years so I haven't been dating much." My question is that since I haven't given her a direct answer, would most people assume that this meant I was lying about my past relationships to hide something or would you take someone making these claims at their word?
Art_Critic Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 How long have you been dating her ?.. How many dates ? I think that it doesn't really look like you are lying about your past relationships but she probably senses that you are keeping something from her. A disorder such as you have has such a stigma with it that not telling someone till you are totally comfortable is totally reasonable.. However... they very well may have a reason of their own to be upset about not knowing about it upfront too.. Just because we start to date someone doesn't mean we have to tell them everything about our lives right away and it takes time for us to feel comfortable to let it all out.. so to speak.
yume Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I agree with Art Critic, she most likely senses that you're keeping something from her, and her first assumption would be that you have dated other people and are ashamed of it in some way, which is why you would have "lied". If this girl is worth it, and you want to continue seeing her, just TELL her that you're bipolar, and THAT'S why you didn't date. You say yourself you're not ashamed of it - just tell her what you wrote here and say that you were unsure of how to broach the subject without it sounding scary or whatever adjective you want to use. It's hard to take someone at their word when they're really vague in terms of reasoning.
Sabali Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 Be careful of who you tell about your personal information such as a chronic medical illness such as yours. You open yourself up to being judged. Something like this, I would only share with close very friends and family members and maybe not even that many. She does not need to know about your condition but you can't spring something like this on her down the road. You need to find out how she will accept something like this. This is a difficult situation.
Author Xanif Posted July 22, 2010 Author Posted July 22, 2010 I appreciate all the advice you all have given me. I don't like hiding things, especially something like this which will definitely be revealed sooner or later, so I will try to think of a way to bring up the topic delicately and see what happens with that. We've only been dating for a month so that's why it hasn't come up in casual conversation as of yet, though I have dropped a few hints that I am on medication at the moment for something. Be careful of who you tell about your personal information such as a chronic medical illness such as yours. You open yourself up to being judged. Something like this, I would only share with close very friends and family members and maybe not even that many. I appreciate your input on this subject but I have come to the conclusion that anyone who judges me based on a medical condition outside of my control that I have expended years of my life learning to manage is not worthy of my respect and/or time which is why I don't actively hide it. Then again, I don't go around shouting at every person that I meet about it because, quite frankly, it doesn't matter. Especially now that it is, for all intents and purposes, a non-issue with proper medications.
Sabali Posted July 22, 2010 Posted July 22, 2010 I appreciate all the advice you all have given me. I don't like hiding things, especially something like this which will definitely be revealed sooner or later, so I will try to think of a way to bring up the topic delicately and see what happens with that. We've only been dating for a month so that's why it hasn't come up in casual conversation as of yet, though I have dropped a few hints that I am on medication at the moment for something. I appreciate your input on this subject but I have come to the conclusion that anyone who judges me based on a medical condition outside of my control that I have expended years of my life learning to manage is not worthy of my respect and/or time which is why I don't actively hide it. Then again, I don't go around shouting at every person that I meet about it because, quite frankly, it doesn't matter. Especially now that it is, for all intents and purposes, a non-issue with proper medications. I understand your reasoning and I want your to consider that if you tell certain coworkers such things, it can only be used against you for job promotions and such. If they don't know, they can't use it against you. I have a close relative who has this condition and his fiancee left him when he was first diagnosed with it. She couldn't even wait to he got over his difficult hospitalizations after he experienced his first symptoms. It is a fairly common condition but there are some conditions people just don't understand. They wonder if they can catch or their children just because people don't understand it. Just be careful. It is great you found the meds that work for you. She does not have to know but, again, I don't think you should keep her in the dark about it and keep her walking along with you forever.
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