SadandConfusedWA Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I have recently started chatting with the guy I am seeing via IM (we usually exchange few e-mails during the day and call ever 2 days or so). I am slightly bothered that he doesn't seem to focus 100% of attention on me when IM-ing. As in, I sometimes have to wait around 2 minutes for a reply rather than instant. Of course, this makes me think that he is chatting to god knows how many girls (we are not exclusive yet so this is techincally fine). Otherwise, things are going well - we are spending a whole day together at a winery on Saturday, he even took the initiative to make all reservations for lunch, dinner, drinks afterwards etc. Initially, I said that I will do it, but he just took the reins I just have this nagging worry that IM lag is a red flag. My ex used to do that and he has hurt me badly in the end. I guess I feel that if a guy is really into me, he will make me a priority in chatting. Is this a reasonable worry? (I need LS to keep me real. Sometimes I get bogged down in negativity. Other times, my negativity has realistic basis)
Raderick Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Sometimes when I chat with someone, if I'm working with someone else, or even just chatting with another friend, it could take 2-3 minutes before you see a reply. Emphasis on the word "sometimes", very uncommon.
Raderick Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 That actually reminds me of someone I dated. She would text me, and expect a reply back within a couple of minutes, without realizing that she texts me during work hours, and I try to reply back within 15 minutes. She got on my nerves about it. Needless to say I dumped her.
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 21, 2010 Author Posted July 21, 2010 I have only chatted to this guy via IM a few times and there was a lag 2 out of 4 times. It was kind of justified the first time as he was making calls and making reservations for us. But the second time there was a lag without any reason given. Of course the lag is not big enough for me to bring it up and I don't want to nag this early in the piece (we have been dating for only 3 weeks). I just feel a bit insecure
zengirl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I wouldn't really worry about it. Personally, from what I look around at (I've cut back on my use of them in my time abroad), I see IMing and texting as severely passive forms of communication. I know they were for me when I was equally addicted to them as the world seems to be now. Meaning I was doing something else at the same time, and they weren't pressing, high-priority, or "meaty" forms of communication in general. It had no reflection on the person I was IMing with. I wouldn't expect an IM conversation to take total attention and focus. At the very least, that requires a proper phone call, if not face-to-face. These communications were pretty much invented for communication we didn't want to devote 100% of our attention to. (Or for a chance for fat old men to pose as 16 year old girls on the internet, I guess?)
Allisha Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Okay. Seriously? He could be eating, chatting to his friends (doesn't have to be girls), watching YouTube videos, watching a movie on his computer, eating, birdwatching or performing a wiccan ritual! Don't automatically assume the worst because you don't like something Or, he could be doing something else while chatting to you? :o ...sorry, I couldn't resist
shadowplay Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I have a small sample size, but all of the guys I've known who were like this on IM were also inattentive boyfriends. I doubt there's a perfect correlation, but it's something to watch out for. The guys who were genuinely interested in me would almost always respond immediately.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 Do you talk to him anywhere else? Because if you do and he devotes 100% attention to you in those areas, then I wouldn't worry about this at all. Although, either way, I don't think it's a big deal. I never just IM someone. I'm always doing something else at the same time. I get bored watching the "this person is typing" message and would rather be reading posts on a forum or talking to other people instead of watching that as I wait for them to reply.
threebyfate Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 The next time there's unexplained lags, why not do this: Guy: *IM lag* SAC: if you're busy, we can chat another time. Guy: no, no, let's keep talking. SAC: what'cha doing besides talking to me that causes such a lag in your responses? Guy: (This might be telling what his response will be.) This puts him on alert that this is something that bothers you. If he has any social skills or consideration, he'll stop the lagging. Otherwise, he'll challenge you back that it's none of your business or hedge around. He might also outright lie about it but patterns of behaviour are pretty easy to spot.
bayouboi Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 The next time there's unexplained lags, why not do this: Guy: *IM lag* SAC: if you're busy, we can chat another time. Guy: no, no, let's keep talking. SAC: what'cha doing besides talking to me that causes such a lag in your responses? Guy: (This might be telling what his response will be.) hahaha, I don't know what the answer is, but this would be my guythoughts: Guy: *IM lag* SAC: if you're busy, we can chat another time. (oh crap apparently there's a problem that I was unaware of, I must try to fix it even though I didn't realize it was broken) Guy: no, no, let's keep talking. SAC: what'cha doing besides talking to me that causes such a lag in your responses? (oh crap now I have to make something up to appease her because she isn't going to believe me if I just tell her I wasn't doing anything which is most likely the case) Guy: jesus women are needy when it comes to communication Guy: what the hell? how did that get sent over IM, I was only thinking that I didn't actually type it *SAC has left the chat* Guy: nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Star Gazer Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 IM is not like talking on the phone or in person. I think it's unreasonable to expect 100% attention during IM conversations, and I absolutely would NOT ask him what's causing the lag.
txsilkysmoothe Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I think it depends on where he is and what he is doing at the time. Is he working when you chat? Is he chatting from his phone rather than sitting in front of a computer? Is he watching T.V.? I don't choose IM'ing to communicate (call or text is preferable) unless I'm stuck at the computer doing something else, therefore making it convenient. Maybe the same is true for him and the "something else" keeps him from replying promptly. Perhaps you should ask if it is a good time for him to chat at the start - maybe you will get an idea of why he doesn't respond as quickly as you think he should.
threebyfate Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 hahaha, I don't know what the answer is, but this would be my guythoughts: Guy: *IM lag* SAC: if you're busy, we can chat another time. (oh crap apparently there's a problem that I was unaware of, I must try to fix it even though I didn't realize it was broken) Guy: no, no, let's keep talking. SAC: what'cha doing besides talking to me that causes such a lag in your responses? (oh crap now I have to make something up to appease her because she isn't going to believe me if I just tell her I wasn't doing anything which is most likely the case) Guy: jesus women are needy when it comes to communication Guy: what the hell? how did that get sent over IM, I was only thinking that I didn't actually type it *SAC has left the chat* Guy: nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! People are way too worried about pretending to be cool, where they should be more worried about whether this guy meets your needs as a prospective partner.
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