really depressed today

July 21, 2010

I was reluctant to post this thread, because it exposes so many of my vulnerabilities. It's not something I've shied from in the past on LS, but I've been trying to do less of it recently. Yet, I feel like I need some solid advice on this, so I will anyway.

I used to think I was attractive. Or maybe I actually used to be, I don't know. I'm thin (5'5", 115 lbs), and I dress nicely. I'm smart, nice and an interesting person. Based on how guys respond to me I'm starting to actually think I'm below average, which takes me back to the place I was at the age of 19 when I had full-blown body dysmorphia. (26, almost 27 now.)

I've posted a couple of pictures on LS, but I don't think they're representative of me. Some are a few years old, and the others are more recent but probably look better than I do irl. I think I tend to photograph a lot better than I actually look. If you've seen a picture of me, please, please refrain from commenting on it. No matter whether I get positive or negative feedback, it will just make me feel worse because it triggers my anxiety. This entry isn't about fishing for compliments. I'm just trying to figure out how to stop this cycle from happening....of feeling like **** every time I receive another bruising rejection.

I haven't been asked out in 3 years, and before that I was 18. I'm 26, almost 27 now. I literally never, ever get flirted with, let alone asked out. In the last few years I've been so desperate that I've asked out a few guys. They've all flat out rejected me except for my ex (who later dumped me), and he said I'm the only girl who has literally ever been interested in him...so that's probably why he didn't reject me from the start. The guys I've approached have all been average looking with personalities I liked because I thought they were smart and nice.

It's one thing to be a guy and get rejected when you approach girls because that almost goes along with the territory. It's another thing to be a girl who's so desperate that you're forced into the position of always being the one who approaches and then getting shot down over and over. And the one relationship where you were actually happy ended suddenly in a gut-wrenching way because one day your S.O. decided they didn't want you anymore for no particular reason.

I can't keep approaching guys, because it just makes me feel awful. I just can't; it's too debilitating. I never wanted to be in that position to begin with. But waiting around doesn't seem to work either.

Out of curiosity I glanced at the ex girlfriend of the guy who most recently rejected me. She was somewhere between cute and pretty, but definitely more attractive than he is. Maybe this is the problem. It seems that every guy needs an attractive girlfriend, no matter his own level of attractiveness. Even guys you'd expect to be less superficial because of their personalities. I can't compete. I'm not at all picky when it comes to guys I'm interested in. The only thing I really pay attention to anymore is personalities. If a guy is nice, smart and seems to have some things in common with me, I'm interested.

The thing that kills me is I know I have so much to offer, and that I do have a lot of amazing qualities. But no guys take the time to get to know me, or maybe they see those qualities and just don't care.

It's gotten to the point where interacting with any guy is painful, because it's just another reminder of rejection. It's painful for me to find a guy attractive, because I associate that attraction with rejection.

Since my break up three months ago, I've been doing everything I can to improve myself and I've made a lot of progress. I've forced myself to socialize more, I've gotten a job, I've moved to a new, better place. Those changes have been for myself, but I always hoped they'd have the side benefit of making me more desirable to guys. I think this hope is completely natural for anyone. Clearly, they haven't had that effect. I feel like everything I value about myself guys don't care about.

What's always been really painful to me is the disparity between what people tell you to make you feel better, the way they'd like to believe the world works, and the way it really does. I'm continually told by friends and family that I'm a great catch, and that any guy would be lucky to have me, and that surely somebody will come along. But my experience has been that men don't view me that way at all. I've tried everything, including lowering my expectations. I've tried thinking of myself as ugly, hoping that it prevent me from getting my hopes up. It does that, but it also causes my self esteem to plummet. Instead of fluctuating up and down, it just stays at a permanent low, and everything feels a lot more gray.

I'm trying so hard, yet barely holding it together. I've been having the bleakest thoughts today. It feels like my life is a nightmare, and whenever it seems over, I just wake up into another nightmare. I feel that I have no control, and my actions are just flailing around, getting me nowhere.

Any ideas? I'm out.

July 21, 2010

SP, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way...but it seems like you're starting to value yourself based on what others think of you...and I know you're a lot smarter than that...we all go through bouts of rejection and of course it sucks...it makes us feel like we're not as desirable as we thought we were...but who's to say that the people who reject us are good judges of character and physical attractiveness...?

You have also said that you're making new positive changes to you and your life...that's great! But you should be making those changes for YOU...not for anyone else...and certainly not for any guy...you're looking for an "effect" that you can't seem to find...but you shouldn't be looking for effects...you should be making yourself a better person because it makes you feel better...and if you still don't feel better about yourself after all that, then something else needs to change...perhaps you need to stop basing how you feel about yourself on what others think of you...

Also, I have never seen a picture of you, so I won't comment on that...but from what I've seen of your personality as reflected in your posts, I think you've got good character...you're honest and delightfully straightforward...both of which are positive traits in my book...but as cliche as this sounds, it'll happen for you...

July 21, 2010

Out of curiosity, where do you go to meet men?

July 21, 2010

but as cliche as this sounds, it'll happen for you...

What works for me is a second part I would like to add. That is the fact that if it (a healthy ltr) doesn't happen, I also need to be okay with that. The reality is that some people don't find that special someone in their lifetime and I want to be happy regardless. How do I do that?? Just keep living in the NOW and not projecting what my future may or may not hold, because I don't know. I try to keep my expectations at a level low enough where I don't get depressed and high enough that I don't settle for the worst that's out there. Just hang in there and remember we only get to live life one day at a time.

Any man can fight the battle of just one day. Keep your head up.

July 21, 2010

I'm trying so hard, yet barely holding it together. I've been having the bleakest thoughts today. It feels like my life is a nightmare, and whenever it seems over, I just wake up into another nightmare. I feel that I have no control, and my actions are just flailing around, getting me nowhere.

Join the club. Not all of us go through life happy go lucky.

July 21, 2010

Have you tried online dating? There is generally a large selection of men from a variety of backgrounds, educations and careers on these websites. The guys do most of the initiating and the women get numerous dates.

Life can suck sometimes.

July 21, 2010

You are lacking in patience, my friend.

I am witness to the many positive changes you have made in your life since starting to post on LS.

Some women get asked out more than others. Who cares? It doesn't mean the right guys are doing the asking, for the right reasons. I would say for your age, the life experience you've had is pretty normal - a couple relationships, some heartbreak. You haven't been married yet, but at least you've not been divorced.

Essentially, you're complaining men don't pay more attention to you. As we all know, most attention is given for the wrong reasons.

There's something to be said for not having more wrong men in your life. It leaves more room for the right one.

Cheer up.

July 21, 2010

Oh and, I wanted to add that while it's true some people never find "the one", I am confident you, of all people, will. And I also think you're on the right track for that right now.

July 21, 2010

Out of curiosity, where do you go to meet men?

I don't go anywhere to meet guys. The guys I've "approached" were mostly friends of friends.

July 21, 2010

You are definitely on the right track. Start doing things that make you a better you, a happier and healthier you.

Try online dating. You think you are desperate? Wait till you see how desperate some of those people are. Not in a bad way desperate, but in a way that they are willing to give everything they are to someone. And there are plenty of awesome people there. There aren't many of them, but there are some rare gems. The important thing is not to get discouraged. There will be someone who will appreciate you, who will be attracted to you, and who you will be attracted to as well. Good luck to you!

July 21, 2010

Seriously...don't get down on yourself about this.

I very very rarely get approached/asked out by guys and I know I'm at least decent looking (I have some pictures in my profile). I'm slim (5'8 115) and like you I dress well and take good care of myself and always wondered why guys never approached me.

I think a lot of men are intimidated, nervous, etc, about approaching women.

I second trying online dating. I met my boyfriend of two years that way. As many men have complained, online dating favours women just due to sheer numbers...ESPECIALLY good/above average - looking women. If you create a profile on a dating site (I used to use OkCupid), post some pictures, and don't have 50 e-mails within a day, I will eat my shorts.

July 21, 2010

Now you know how guys feel approaching random women getting shot down and not feeling desirable..It sucks..

Its not just Men who seem to be picky and shallow women are like that also neither gender corners the market in that aspect..

But as far as not feeling attractive to the opposite sex it does suck and no amount of fluff advice will automatically change that or make u feel better..

July 21, 2010

You only have one life and only you can live it. Each man out there likes something different, no two people are the same. Before anyone can love you, you must love yourself. Have you ever taken yourself on a date? I thought that was a dumb idea when someone suggested it to me after my divorce. I started to do it and realized that I have to treat me right before I can expect any man to. It sounds like you 've made a great deal of positive change in your life. Please make sure that these are things that you want. Once your focus is off of finding a man, guess what? He'll show up. Keep pushing forward, there is a great deal of life to be lived out there.

I was reluctant to post this thread, because it exposes so many of my vulnerabilities. It's not something I've shied from in the past on LS, but I've been trying to do less of it recently. Yet, I feel like I need some solid advice on this, so I will anyway.

I used to think I was attractive. Or maybe I actually used to be, I don't know. I'm thin (5'5", 115 lbs), and I dress nicely. I'm smart, nice and an interesting person. Based on how guys respond to me I'm starting to actually think I'm below average, which takes me back to the place I was at the age of 19 when I had full-blown body dysmorphia. (26, almost 27 now.)

I've posted a couple of pictures on LS, but I don't think they're representative of me. Some are a few years old, and the others are more recent but probably look better than I do irl. I think I tend to photograph a lot better than I actually look. If you've seen a picture of me, please, please refrain from commenting on it. No matter whether I get positive or negative feedback, it will just make me feel worse because it triggers my anxiety. This entry isn't about fishing for compliments. I'm just trying to figure out how to stop this cycle from happening....of feeling like **** every time I receive another bruising rejection.

I haven't been asked out in 3 years, and before that I was 18. I'm 26, almost 27 now. I literally never, ever get flirted with, let alone asked out. In the last few years I've been so desperate that I've asked out a few guys. They've all flat out rejected me except for my ex (who later dumped me), and he said I'm the only girl who has literally ever been interested in him...so that's probably why he didn't reject me from the start. The guys I've approached have all been average looking with personalities I liked because I thought they were smart and nice.

It's one thing to be a guy and get rejected when you approach girls because that almost goes along with the territory. It's another thing to be a girl who's so desperate that you're forced into the position of always being the one who approaches and then getting shot down over and over. And the one relationship where you were actually happy ended suddenly in a gut-wrenching way because one day your S.O. decided they didn't want you anymore for no particular reason.

I can't keep approaching guys, because it just makes me feel awful. I just can't; it's too debilitating. I never wanted to be in that position to begin with. But waiting around doesn't seem to work either.

Out of curiosity I glanced at the ex girlfriend of the guy who most recently rejected me. She was somewhere between cute and pretty, but definitely more attractive than he is. Maybe this is the problem. It seems that every guy needs an attractive girlfriend, no matter his own level of attractiveness. Even guys you'd expect to be less superficial because of their personalities. I can't compete. I'm not at all picky when it comes to guys I'm interested in. The only thing I really pay attention to anymore is personalities. If a guy is nice, smart and seems to have some things in common with me, I'm interested.

The thing that kills me is I know I have so much to offer, and that I do have a lot of amazing qualities. But no guys take the time to get to know me, or maybe they see those qualities and just don't care.

It's gotten to the point where interacting with any guy is painful, because it's just another reminder of rejection. It's painful for me to find a guy attractive, because I associate that attraction with rejection.

Since my break up three months ago, I've been doing everything I can to improve myself and I've made a lot of progress. I've forced myself to socialize more, I've gotten a job, I've moved to a new, better place. Those changes have been for myself, but I always hoped they'd have the side benefit of making me more desirable to guys. I think this hope is completely natural for anyone. Clearly, they haven't had that effect. I feel like everything I value about myself guys don't care about.

What's always been really painful to me is the disparity between what people tell you to make you feel better, the way they'd like to believe the world works, and the way it really does. I'm continually told by friends and family that I'm a great catch, and that any guy would be lucky to have me, and that surely somebody will come along. But my experience has been that men don't view me that way at all. I've tried everything, including lowering my expectations. I've tried thinking of myself as ugly, hoping that it prevent me from getting my hopes up. It does that, but it also causes my self esteem to plummet. Instead of fluctuating up and down, it just stays at a permanent low, and everything feels a lot more gray.

I'm trying so hard, yet barely holding it together. I've been having the bleakest thoughts today. It feels like my life is a nightmare, and whenever it seems over, I just wake up into another nightmare. I feel that I have no control, and my actions are just flailing around, getting me nowhere.

Any ideas? I'm out.

July 21, 2010

shadow, stop that!

It's only been three months since your breakup and since then, you've worked miracles in such a short time.

Having said that, there's still a long way to go to get to where you're feeling strong inside considering how everything came to a head three/four months ago.

Making a new friend is a step in the right direction. Keep on expanding your social network. It might take another year to do so but once it's in place, you're going to find yourself meeting more people which might provide more opportunities for meeting a guy who's worth getting to know.

July 21, 2010

I haven't been asked out in 3 years, and before that I was 18. I'm 26, almost 27 now. I literally never, ever get flirted with, let alone asked out.

Maybe guys are hitting on you and you just don't see it. I'm a great example because it seems many women don't get my pickup lines. The last one I used was: "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" She walked away so quickly I don't think she realized I was flirting. :bunny::bunny:

July 21, 2010

I don't go anywhere to meet guys. The guys I've "approached" were mostly friends of friends.

Well if you want to be asked out and be approached you have to go to places where there is an established playing field. An example is if your at a bar and you make yourself available to men, like not having BF looking guys around you, men will approach you sooner or later. Go "manhunting".

This is what guys do. We go out on the weekends and our main goal = find women. Second goal = have fun/party. So be at those places. Parties, bars, concerts, etc.

July 21, 2010

Maybe guys are hitting on you and you just don't see it. I'm a great example because it seems many women don't get my pickup lines. The last one I used was: "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" She walked away so quickly I don't think she realized I was flirting. :bunny::bunny:

Was that really a pickup line?!

July 21, 2010

Was that really a pickup line?!

Doesn't that sound like a pickup line to you? You must have never heard that one before.

July 21, 2010

Most guys are to afraid to ask women out. It will happen for you, just might take a few months for a guy you like to ask you out.

I've seen your pictures and found them pretty. You are still in your twenties and not fat so it shouldn't be long till you find a bf.

Your taste in men often seems odd to me though.

You are just really depressed today so don't judge yourself when you feel like this. Go do something fun like riding a bicycle or hanging out with friends at a water park. Then think about your entire life

July 21, 2010

Your post is most appealing beCAUSE of your vulnerability. I feel as if I could sit back and possess the same feelings and outlook that you do, but to do so seems so detrimental to any hope I might have.

Most hopeful about your post is the mention of having gotten a job (within the last 3 months, was it??). People tend to socialize in arenas where they feel safest and most comfortable. As work is the routine for most, they let their guard down socially and are and seem more relaxed and approachable than they are during those evenings on which the office socialite invites everyone out for drinks.

There is every reason to continue to hope that becoming comfortable with or even about someone in the standard work routine may lead to romance or at least dates.

Y'know, I can't find any actual "flaws" in your details, as offered. In fact twenty-something women of 5'5" and 115 lbs. should at least be at the level of being "used for sex" and perhaps tiring of that.

In the immediate term, I think a good game plan would be to apply yourself to things that you like... passions that you have... perhaps taking a class somewhere, or doing volunteer work... or somehow learning about the world immediately around you.

When you can present a side of yourself that seems motivated toward something non-human, then I think others will more easily notice your appeal.

When sitting here weighing the particulars you offer, between actual life setbacks vs. your own outlook bringing you down, I still see the problem being more related to present outlook than to unalterable facts.

Besides, at 3 months since a relationship breakup, there is no consensus that says you should be at concert pitch socially. Everyone needs their own amount of time to be ready to try again.

Beyond all that, there is always the internet... and even someone who sounds so defeated can 'invest herself' in online friendships that could indeed evolve toward something more. And IF as you say, you are only paying attention to the "personalities" of male prospects, then the internet should provide plenty of possibilities for you to sift through.

You do indeed seem to be in a vulnerable place, but it is your choice as to how motivated you're going to be from here on out. C'mon, you're a good 5 years away from your sexual peak even... and if you use just that alone as your window during which to have the goal of entering into a long-term relationship, you can probably take small steps now and evolve forward enough to attain that goal in due time.

July 21, 2010

Doesn't that sound like a pickup line to you? You must have never heard that one before.

I think that's awesome!

Shadow, have you ever tried online dating? You'll find a lot of men approaching you that way...

July 21, 2010

I think that's awesome!
Shadow, have you ever tried online dating? You'll find a lot of men approaching you that way...

I think I just asked her out in another thread... does that count?

July 21, 2010

I think I just asked her out in another thread... does that count?

Well, there ya go!

(I always thought you were a chick, but okay... )

July 21, 2010

Well, there ya go!
(I always thought you were a chick, but okay... )

and... who says I'm not? Ok... I'm not.

I guess I deserve that. I accused Taramere of being a guy once.

July 21, 2010

Maybe guys are hitting on you and you just don't see it. I'm a great example because it seems many women don't get my pickup lines. The last one I used was: "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" She walked away so quickly I don't think she realized I was flirting. :bunny::bunny:

hahaha I tried that line out once. The woman's response was, "What's chlor.....

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