soinlovewithtwo Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Hi. I feel weird coming to a group of strangers about this, but its really weighing on my mind and I was just looking for insight, or maybe something I didnt think of before. this is really long. I ended a serious relationship in december. I had broken up with him on a whim during a fight because we fought a lot about our different wants (Me wanting marriage someday, sex, and sleepovers- Him refusing to do any of those.) and 30 minutes later, i was asking for forgiveness and to be together but he refused. for the next 4 mths, we acted like we were together- still saying we love each other, texting/talking everyday,seeing each other 3-4 nights a week and sometimes still making out. He just refused to put the label back on it. he pretty much seemed to know that he would never come back and be official, but claimed he would love me forever and wished we could be together. Our relationship, other than the difference of wants, was incredible. he understood me unlike anyone else ever has. he supported me, loved me, laughed at the same things, and truly bonded to my soul. I wanted to spend my life with him, legitimately. For the past few months, (yes, I pretty much entered into this just a few weeks after the final split with my ex. I felt I was over it after feeling like he'd led me on for those months. I truly believed that I had closure) I have been seeing a new guy. we are in an official, commited monogamous relationship. hes a good person and has good intentions. But weve fought quite a bit, even though its gotten more relaxed now, I still feel like he doesnt understand me or bond to me the way the other guy did. But Im questioning whether its because I still have feelings for my ex, or if its just because I truly dont have a connection or a chance for true love with this guy. What kills me, is Ive already had sex with and spent the night with this person. He already wants everything the other one didnt. He's even told me that he wants to spend forever with me. Well, he says also that he thinks its best to be optimistic and hope for it. To me, it is way too fast. He said he is falling in love with me (Hes 25.) Im still young as well, but I can see that sometimes finding a person to spend your life with isnt necessarily about being thrilled and whatever. Sometimes you can grow to love someone. He wants to live with me, though we havent had any serious conversations about it other than "I want us to go in that direction soon" basically. Though he has stated point-blank that he wants to move in with me. Should I see my ex one more time to see if the feelings are truly there? I believe that hes over me because Ive tried to contact him a few times and he just didnt seem to care much. I am devastated, honestly. I know that I shouldnt lead this guy on too, but I do like him. I just dont love him right now. I feel guilty inside and its eating away at me. I dont even know if he would agree to see me, I doubt it actually. He knew that I was starting to like someone else because he asked me and I was honest, a few months ago. Hes had this time apart and doesnt seem interested in being in my life. he said that since i shut him out, hes going to do the same. Am I in love with someone whos not right for me? could someone who doesnt want the same things, ever change, or should I change for them? I dont think I could accept never having those things. Should I just cut myself clean of both of them, should I give this more time? i feel like i could appreciate what I have now but it would take time. thoughts? Sorry for the long thread.
that girl Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Don't see the ex. Even if the feelings are still there, it won't change the fact that you don't work as a couple. I think you need to think about the new guy. Wanting the same things is a good start and it does take time to build a connection, but you have to figure out if the connection could grow or not.
Cracker Jack Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I think it could be a combination of you missing your ex, and the guy possibly not being what you want. Either way, if you feel on your heart that the ex is over you, then you need to move on. All you're going to do is stunt your growth by focusing on him while he couldn't care less about you. That's really a waste of time. I'd say you should give more focus to the new guy, but the more I read, the more it seems like you needn't be in a relationship at all right now. However, if the new guy shares the same wants as you, then it shouldn't be a problem continuing with him.
mixwell Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 It sort of sounds like the perfect combination only with 2 guys.. The ex you have that connection with BUT he doesn't have the same views as you and the new guy you DON'T have the connection with but has the same views as you.. This is a tough one.. I would say with the new guy, maybe its to early to have a connection with and MAYBE eventually that relationship will blossom but it sounds like you're still into the ex. I know it may look stupid and expose you but I think you (personally) should talk to the ex via phone or preferably in person and tell him how you feel and give him a final choice of trying to persue a future with you and him and if he rejects that then you have a solid answer... This new guy, he could be willing to settle down because he has been through all the BS of clubbbing/bar hopping and is in a diff mental state.. Personally I would like to meet someone I can possibly settle down with if I feel she is the right person.. It could break down to the ex feeling like he needs to run his course for a little while longer and then realize he wants something more stable or he could just be trying to live out the rest of his youth and get it outta his system before he feels like settling down.. Either way I would let your ex know how you feel about him and if he isn't okay with your proposal then continue to see the current guy and see if you develop those feelings for him.. If you REALLY think about it, this is someone who you can see as a life partner and you shouldn't take it lightly unless you want to become part of the statistic in the divorce number... Since you're seeing this new guy at least if you get rejected you know your answer and can continue with the new guy and see if you develop those feelings for him.. Just my 2 pennies on it...
Author soinlovewithtwo Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 It sort of sounds like the perfect combination only with 2 guys.. The ex you have that connection with BUT he doesn't have the same views as you and the new guy you DON'T have the connection with but has the same views as you.. This is a tough one.. I would say with the new guy, maybe its to early to have a connection with and MAYBE eventually that relationship will blossom but it sounds like you're still into the ex. . Yeah, thats the worst part honestly. If the other guy had been saying and doing the things that my current guy is doing, I would have had the perfect relationship for me. Each one has a strong trait, but do not possess the other trait that I want. I kinda decided it must be karma. for all the times I got upset with my ex and fought him because he wouldnt do certain things, my payback is now I have someone to do them with, but it doesnt really mean anything to me. Its pretty crappy. I deserve that though. But this new guy doesnt deserve to be led on if I never feel the same, so Im hoping to reach a decision soon. Im happy with staying and can accept not feeling a passionate bond, but I know I could probably never marry someone if that stayed that way.
mixwell Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Yeah, thats the worst part honestly. If the other guy had been saying and doing the things that my current guy is doing, I would have had the perfect relationship for me. Each one has a strong trait, but do not possess the other trait that I want. I kinda decided it must be karma. for all the times I got upset with my ex and fought him because he wouldnt do certain things, my payback is now I have someone to do them with, but it doesnt really mean anything to me. Its pretty crappy. I deserve that though. But this new guy doesnt deserve to be led on if I never feel the same, so Im hoping to reach a decision soon. Im happy with staying and can accept not feeling a passionate bond, but I know I could probably never marry someone if that stayed that way. It can be hard for the new guy because he doesn't know exactly where you stand and it is pretty early on to make that serious of a choice.. The new guy really has no TRUE insight on how you REALLY feel about the ex and you probably cannot tell him without it being awkward. In a similar fashion I hangout with my ex of 7 years who was single and I was flirty but she admitted to be "seeing someone" I've told her how I felt and I get deep gut feelings that If her and I were together I think we'd be a lasting couple but that is kinda off the topic.. Seriously I would do EVERYTHING for this chick (not being desperate) but after a 7 year relationship (from age 14-21) I have matured and I can literally see myself spending the rest of my life with her but ya she's chosen someone else to be with) Anyways I still think if your emotions are with the ex you should just bite the bullet and tell him exactly how you feel and if he rejects it then at least you know where you stand.. Hell I wish I had 2 different women in the middle of my love life haha. It's a tough decision but I REALLY think you should go with your gut instincts on this... that is what i would do at least. .
Author soinlovewithtwo Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 im sorry to hear about your girl. thats rough. thats a long time and I dont blame you for how you feel at all. does she know how you feel? doesnt feel the same, or what? With my ex...I doubt telling him would do anything. hes on aim right now and I want to say something so bad =[
Author soinlovewithtwo Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 Why didn't your ex want to have sex? hes a virgin and believes in waiting til marriage, but doesnt want to get married because hes never seen it work out and thinks it just wouldnt. ..he did everything else with me though. just not intercourse. he enjoyed it. I dont know. its weird..he used to say maybe, and initially led me to believe we would, but eventually it just became a no.. also hes dealt with abuse, to be a bit personal, I think that may have some impact on it subconsciously.
make me believe Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Uggh. You need to let this new guy go so that he can find somebody who actually wants to be with him. You shouldn't be with EITHER of these guys. Your ex doesn't want you, and you don't want the new guy. Forget about them both. Do NOT move in with the new guy. You absolutely should not settle for a "love" that is not passionate and that leaves you longing for your ex. Head on over to the marriage or infidelity forums and you will find many threads about people who did just that and are now miserable in their marriages, or involved in affairs. This isn't an either/or situation, ok? It's not like your only options are your ex or the new guy. Hell, your ex isn't even a real option because he clearly doesn't want you! Neither of them are right for you. Find someone who is! Your ex doesn't show that he cares when you contact him because he DOESN'T care. How would you feel if your current BF was pining over his ex and still trying to contact her?? You are being really crappy to him.
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