MontanaGirl Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I've been talking with my friends a bit about this lately, and was hoping to get the opinions of a larger crowd with a more diverse background. Under what circumstances (if any) would you be ok with dating in secret? I'm assuming both people are consenting adults and neither is married, although feel free to bring these up if applicable. What are valid reasons to keep something secret? Because you work together? Friends/family would not approve? Different cultural/religious backgrounds? Wouldn't want to hurt an ex by appearing to move on too quickly? Your partner is not "out of the closet" (if this applies)? You want to see if it's "real" before telling anyone? If you would start a secret relationshipfor how long would you be willing to keep it secret? How would your patience change if one person wants it secret and the other does not, vs both people agreeing secrecy is the way to go? Lastly, does falling in love while dating secretly impact the relationship once everything is out on the table? This was a significant issue for me a few months back, but definitely not anymore. I'm dating an awesome guy who couldn't wait to tell his friends and family about me. Having gone through two serious, long-term, secret relationships, I would never be willing to be someone's secret again. Thoughts, please, just to satisfy my curiosity.
brokendream Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Although I don't tell the world when I start dating someone new, I wouldn't keep it a secret for more than a few weeks. The last guy I was dating...for maybe 5 weeks, I didn't tell my friends because I was just out of a relationship and didn't want to be seen to be hopping into another one so soon. I also wasn't sure about the guy or where it would go and my suspisions turned out to be correct. He was a loser and now I'm glad I didn't tell anyone about it
aerogurl87 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 Well my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months and our relationship is still partially a secret. All our friends and family members know we're dating except a few key people: his parents and my parents. Why? Well it's like this, his parents are extremely conservative and if they knew we were dating (which I'm sure they have some idea of by now) they wouldn't let me come stay with him when I go visit him (he's still living at home). And my parents would have a heart attack knowing I'm dating someone so far away since he's in another country. But they'll learn the truth in time if they haven't caught on already. Everyone else knows it.
HeldbyGravity Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 1.)Under what circumstances (if any) would you be ok with dating in secret? If both of their lives are in danger because of it XD. Otherwise, honesty is best. 2.)What are valid reasons to keep something secret? Because you work together? - If not acceptable in the work place, I wouldn't risk my job. Friends/family would not approve?- Oh it's what we think that matters, eh? Not their relationship! Different cultural/religious backgrounds?- Culture I can deal with, as long as it's respectful. I don't date out of my religion. Wouldn't want to hurt an ex by appearing to move on too quickly?- I wouldn't date immediately after a break up- not healthy or considerate. You want to see if it's "real" before telling anyone?- Because I'm afraid of what, getting hurt? Nah. 3.)If you would start a secret relationshipfor how long would you be willing to keep it secret? This is assuming I'd do it in the first place, but as long as it takes. 4.)How would your patience change if one person wants it secret and the other does not, vs both people agreeing secrecy is the way to go? It wouldn't- it's a delicate situation and needs to be treated as such. 5.)Lastly, does falling in love while dating secretly impact the relationship once everything is out on the table? Nope. XP
stace79 Posted July 19, 2010 Posted July 19, 2010 I've been talking with my friends a bit about this lately, and was hoping to get the opinions of a larger crowd with a more diverse background. Under what circumstances (if any) would you be ok with dating in secret? I'm assuming both people are consenting adults and neither is married, although feel free to bring these up if applicable. What are valid reasons to keep something secret? Because you work together? Friends/family would not approve? Different cultural/religious backgrounds? Wouldn't want to hurt an ex by appearing to move on too quickly? Your partner is not "out of the closet" (if this applies)? You want to see if it's "real" before telling anyone? If you would start a secret relationshipfor how long would you be willing to keep it secret? How would your patience change if one person wants it secret and the other does not, vs both people agreeing secrecy is the way to go? Lastly, does falling in love while dating secretly impact the relationship once everything is out on the table? This was a significant issue for me a few months back, but definitely not anymore. I'm dating an awesome guy who couldn't wait to tell his friends and family about me. Having gone through two serious, long-term, secret relationships, I would never be willing to be someone's secret again. Thoughts, please, just to satisfy my curiosity. My bf and I are not being overly public about our relationship b/c we've had a rough and rocky history. My parents are aware that we are seeing each other again, but his parents are not. However, I wouldn't say we are dating in "secret", because he does refer to me as his gf in normal conversation with other friends and he asked me to date exclusively and be his girlfriend. I think the scenarios you posed I would be okay with are if your partner is not "out of the closet", and if you work together. I could see waiting to tell people if you weren't sure it was "real" yet, but I wouldn't consider that dating in secret. I'd just consider it using discretion about when you make it public.
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