WRMan Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 When dating, this question sometimes comes up early and sometimes after a while of dating. I'm not usually one to get upset over someone having been married more than once. I recently started dating someone and I was asked the question and replied two times, when I asked her, she said four times. At this point I am not even considering getting married, much less to her. My question is should it matter and would it matter to you if you met someone man or woman and they told you that?
CuriousQDe Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 The short answer is yes, it would matter. I am a divorced woman, and I feel a little hypocritical saying that, because I wouldn't want someone to judge me for a failed marriage. But even if someone is the repeat "victim," the multiple marriages show either problems with their "pickers" or that they themselves were the problem in the marriages. If I were emotionally invested in a person, I would try my best to get to the root of the problem, but I must say it would be hard to convince me the person has forever-potential because I do want to remarry. I know three men who have been divorced more than once, two of them I wouldn't even consider dating, the third one I kinda understand his situation, but I can't help but think I'd be lining up to be the third ex if I got involved with him. In the case of one, the guy is getting on in years but probably not wisdom, two wives took him for all he had and then left him, with the second one passing off a child as his and wasn't. I saw that even in the way he treated me and his female friends and coworkers. What seemed sweet eventually became unattractive gullibility. He let people walk all over him, now he's almost 50 and desperately wants to have children. The second guy, imagine. Secret Service Agent, retired military officer, unbelievable physical specimen. Speaks three languages. A neighbor of mine. So I have a conversation with him one day and ask him how many kids he has. He laughs! In the end, the story is four children, the youngest of whom is TWO! Two ex-wives, but three mothers involved here. He says divorces due to his long absences while in the military, found exes cheating. My question is, when would you have time to see me, and why would I sign up for that situation? Nothing can come of it, step-parenting to a baby and three other children with three mothers, plus my children? I don't think so, so why bother dating? The question saved me a lot of hassle with a man, who on paper, is very attractive. The last guy married young had two children and he says they grew apart and divorced. The second marriage split because problems with both families over serious cultural and religious differences (Christian-Muslim). I think he still loves her, but she thought she could convert him to Islam. So now three children, two sets of schedules, lots of travel, and endless questions about how this all happened. Either way, a situation I'd rather avoid as well. Don't worry, I feel enough guilt over my judgmental statements, but I stand behind them because they speak to the practicality of the question. My point being is I think people should investigate the cause of the divorces and know there are at least two sides to the story, but no matter how it shakes out, you are signing up for a LOT.
brokendream Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 Married once maybe is ok. It's fairly hard to get a divorce where I live...takes 4 years of separation so people don't tend to get married until they are a bit older and more mature...say in their 30's. If a guy I met was married more than once it would be totally offputting.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 It wouldn't be a deal breaker, but it would make me feel more cautious about the relationship.
hopesndreams Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 My question is should it matter and would it matter to you if you met someone man or woman and they told you that? It depends on the reasons for the divorces. I've been married twice. Yes, guys would write me off solely for that fact alone without knowing the reasons why. Their loss.
TaraMaiden Posted July 18, 2010 Posted July 18, 2010 I've been married twice. So has my partner. We refer to each other as 'husband' and 'wife' even though we haven't actually tied the knot. One day, I'm looking at what I consider to be a particularly sexy photo of Nic cage (he has been younger....) he was advertising a watch I think. i told my partner (who loves Angelina Jolie) that I thought Nic Cage looked really sexy... "you do realise he's been married three times, don't you?" he said. Quick as a flash, I replied - "So have you". He paused. "Good point well presented...." he answered, grinning. Equal numbers is fine. Anything above 4 times is cue for suspicion....
Author WRMan Posted July 20, 2010 Author Posted July 20, 2010 I guess it's no wonder why so many people lie about the number of times they have been married when you ask them. I am not usually one to judge someone based on their past, I believe people change. Most who get married do not go in thinking they are going to get divorced. Why do people judge those that have been married more than once but think nothing about those that go from one relationship to another? Lots of people only date or go from one relationship to another these days never even considering marriage because either they know they won’t make it in a marriage or they know people don’t think anything about multiple relationships. It’s strange that people ask fewer questions about the number of relationships you’ve had or the number of sexual partners you have had than they do the number of marriages you’ve been in. It’s like saying all non-married relationships are under the radar and they don’t count as a failed relationship because it was not a marriage. [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
zengirl Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I dated a guy who was divorced twice (he was 27 at the time, I was 22), which I think was quite a lot for his age. I knew the guy awhile before dating him, so maybe that helped, but it never bothered me because I knew the reasons he'd gotten married and the reasons he'd gotten divorced. He's re-married now (to a friend of mine, ironically), and I'd be surprised if it didn't work out. The reason big numbers out of context cause reticence are you know the fallout/mistakes but not the person/reasons behind them. Maybe 4 is too many, maybe it's just enough. Everyone has baggage. Some baggage sounds worse than other. Some of the baggage that sounds worse is actually harmless. Despite looking relatively 'baggage free' on paper, I was much less marriage material than my twice-divorced friend when we dated 3 years ago. I was a ticking time bomb, mentally, that eventually went off and dealt with my own garbage, but he'd already dealt with his. People don't deal with their garbage in a linear fashion, at the same times as each others, or always in ways that sound productive and good. The real question we're looking for whenever we ask these "telling" questions to suss about at information is this, Have you dealt with your garbage? And does the resulting truth match mine? That's my theory at least. Our ways of determining it are pretty flawed.
aerogurl87 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I wouldn't date someone who had been divorced, no matter the reason. That's because I've never been married yet and I only want to get engaged and married once and I want the same in my partner. Luckily I'm still really young so the odds of that happening are pretty high still. Now if a guy was a widower I'd consider him then, only because the death of a spouse is something you have absolutely no control over, but I'd have to be certain he wasn't still in love with her and just using me as a coping mechanism.
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I wouldn't date someone who had been divorced, no matter the reason. That's because I've never been married yet and I only want to get engaged and married once and I want the same in my partner. Luckily I'm still really young so the odds of that happening are pretty high still. I felt the exact same way as you do... till I got divorced IMO.. If you go in with the idea that you will only be married once then aren't looking at things realistically, I wasn't that was for sure. If you consider the 50%+ divorce rate then you really should look into lower your expectations some, not saying that you shouldn't marry for love but to marry forever isn't always in the cards for most of us. The one thing that people often forget when they wed is that you cannot control the other person in a marriage and if the marriage goes south because of factors out of your own control then you will be faced with filing divorce in order to save your own life/sanity. With my second marriage I've only been married for about 3.5 years but if you factor in my/our age and the kid who is a little over 2 into it all and then throw in that we have a pretty good marriage I'd have to say we are in for the long haul I certainly think my second marriage is better than my first and both of us now being older and each of us having been married before I think we matured tons.. oh.. and my current wife isn't batshiot crazy like my first wife
aerogurl87 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I felt the exact same way as you do... till I got divorced IMO.. If you go in with the idea that you will only be married once then aren't looking at things realistically, I wasn't that was for sure. If you consider the 50%+ divorce rate then you really should look into lower your expectations some, not saying that you shouldn't marry for love but to marry forever isn't always in the cards for most of us. The one thing that people often forget when they wed is that you cannot control the other person in a marriage and if the marriage goes south because of factors out of your own control then you will be faced with filing divorce in order to save your own life/sanity. With my second marriage I've only been married for about 3.5 years but if you factor in my/our age and the kid who is a little over 2 into it all and then throw in that we have a pretty good marriage I'd have to say we are in for the long haul I certainly think my second marriage is better than my first and both of us now being older and each of us having been married before I think we matured tons.. oh.. and my current wife isn't batshiot crazy like my first wife True, but I think if you also go into a marriage with the idea that you want to make it work for the long haul (both you and your partner) then the odds of getting divorced probably go down a bit. Not saying it's statistically true, because I don't know if it is. But that's what my parents did and they're still married 26 years later. Same with my grandparents who were married till my grandmother died. To me divorce is a last resort option, so yeah when I get married I plan for it to be for life, not a few years. But as I said, I'm young (only 20) so no I don't want to date someone whose been divorced.
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 But as I said, I'm young (only 20) so no I don't want to date someone whose been divorced. Boy.. no kidding.. at 20 I wouldn't have dated someone who was divorced either.. My grandparents were married for 68+ years before my grandfather passed away but their marriage was based in part by a different era of responsibilities and stressors that we all don't get to deal with today. I do feel that their success was that they were truly each others best friend and I also feel that they had 3 lives.. The married one and each others own individual lives they lead, they never competed with each other on their own personal lives. My Grandfather was the CEO of a major furniture brand that my Great Grandfather founded and he had his factory's and thousands of workers while my Grandmother had her life of socializing, raising the children, the house and many other things and she also had her own hobbies and interests that didn't include him and he also had his hobbies that didn't include her. But when the sun went down they were living their 3rd life.. Kids and each other. You don't really find 68 year marriages today..
Chicago_Guy Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 Of course it matters. Studies show that someone who is divorced is more likely to divorce again in the future if that person remarries. Also, I am pretty sure that I have read that the more times that person has been divorced, the more likely that person is to divorce again in the future if that person remarries.
jennifer4 Posted July 20, 2010 Posted July 20, 2010 I've been divorced 2x. I'm 38. my last divorce was 6 yrs ago. Don't want to get married again but don't think I have to worry about that, most guys don't want to be in a serious relationship when they hear this. Oh well.
Lauriebell82 Posted July 21, 2010 Posted July 21, 2010 I personally would not date someone who had been married before. Too much drama maybe? I went on a date with a guy once who had not been married but he did have 2 children by a girlfriend whom he was with for 5 years. I was only like 23 at the time so I felt I was wwwaaayyy too young to deal with that. He did tell me that he has trouble getting serious with someone because of his situation. I am engaged now, but if I was dating I would not be looking for someone who had been married before. I just feel like I want to be the "only one" around.
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