Stung Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Thats kinda of where im at..Im kinda shy and not good at meeting new people..Once i get to know you i open up but approaching strangers is not my strength an obvious a skill u need to get women.. I guess not being good looking doesnt help my cause much either There are a number of men who do not have the self-esteem or confidence to approach/pursue a woman;let alone be in a relationship.They possess an overwhelming number of deficiencies that make it difficult for them to be successful with women.Many are extremely self-conscious and have a disposition which makes women uncomfortable/tense.They would not be able to maintain a woman's interest even if the were to overcome their personal issues & pursue someone. Believe me....I know. It's a hard place to be in, when your social skills are inadequate for what you want in your life. I had experience with this in my 4-eyed bookwormy childhood, but thankfully I wasn't plagued into adulthood. Still, like any other skills, they can be learned. You will never be smoothly natural, but you can at least improve, and maybe you will improve enough. Even if you don't get a girlfriend right away, you might learn something valuable about yourself and your relation to others. There are websites and books, obviously, but you can also engage a professional if you think your skill set is really bad and preventing you from having relationships. There are therapists and social workers who specialize in teaching social and communication skills and improving empathy. As for looks, I don't know if that's a real issue for you or not. A lot of people who are down on themselves feel they look worse than they really do. If you're really very unattractive, obviously that's going to make things harder for you in the dating world. However, a lot of people discount that a huge part of looking good is how you carry and present yourself. This includes hair, clothes, body language. Style. It might be worth asking someone you know, who you think has good taste and who you trust, to help make you over and take you shopping. If you don't have anyone like that again, you can engage a professional.
Stung Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 It would be nice if that were true, but older inexperienced men have to face a huge possibility that even if they find a relationship that they will immediately be broken up with if she finds out about the lack of experience. The question of past experience can come up at any time and as much as I think about it, I really don't have a good answer. This is especially true in the over 30 group and a number of women have posted it would be a red flag, which I assume would mean the relationship would end immediately. I'm getting closer to 40 with so little experience and keep wondering "what else is wrong with me"? You think one thing is wrong and find out that's not a problem and then you wonder what really is wrong. All I know is I keep screwing up phone calls and dates and am wondering if there really is a such thing as some woman feeling butterflies when around me. I've never experienced anything close. I wonder how many of the 30+ single men have never experienced this either. Maybe I use the term red flag differently than other people on this board; to me it suggests that a warning light would come on that I would pay close attention to, not that I would immediately hit the ejection seat.
PJKino Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Wow im 30 never been in a relationship and reading this thread just put me further in a hole because im viewed as some dating pariah by women..im sorry i dont have the past "status" you women are looking for.. I think im a fairly normal huge hearted guy i just happen to be shy to people i dont know im really scared of rejection and not that confident about my looks..We Men dotn have it as easy as you women were can just wait for a guy we like to approach. I realize i really need to work on these things but it sounds like i might already be weeded out of the dating pool already because of my past.. I thought women were supposed to be the understanding nurturing caring compassionate gender? Youre more judgmental then guys..
CLC2008 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Oh we all have something wrong with us. But, I do agree that a man (or woman), reaching a certain age and not having any serious relationships, or a series of short relationships/flings, yes, there is something to be said about why exactly that is. In keeping within this subject, a man who is older and has a history of "non-history" could be considered/viewed as a skirt chaser and someone that is not relationship minded. Some women won't mind that, so long as there are other things to compensate (i.e. money, success, security, etc.).
Stung Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 false Chances are he is being patient and being picky, which is very wise. A good woman is hard to find sometimes. My husband was thirty-five and never-married when I met him. Obviously, he'd been waiting for the best
gamma1 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 In keeping within this subject, a man who is older and has a history of "non-history" could be considered/viewed as a skirt chaser and someone that is not relationship minded. Some women won't mind that, so long as there are other things to compensate (i.e. money, success, security, etc.). This seems very unfair. How can someone who has trouble getting dates at all be considered a "skirt chaser"? This is the kind of thing that I fear when a woman asks about my past experience. I'll say something and suddenly she will juump to incorrect conclusions and before I know it, she has broken up with me.
CLC2008 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 This seems very unfair. How can someone who has trouble getting dates at all be considered a "skirt chaser"? Miscommunication, sorry. What I wrote wasn't specifically directed towards someone who has trouble getting dates.
gamma1 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Maybe I use the term red flag differently than other people on this board; to me it suggests that a warning light would come on that I would pay close attention to, not that I would immediately hit the ejection seat. It may just be me. I think of what you say more as a "yellow flag". Miscommunication, sorry. What I wrote wasn't specifically directed towards someone who has trouble getting dates. Thanks for clarifying.
SteveC80 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 This seems very unfair. How can someone who has trouble getting dates at all be considered a "skirt chaser"? This is the kind of thing that I fear when a woman asks about my past experience. I'll say something and suddenly she will juump to incorrect conclusions and before I know it, she has broken up with me. Womens intuition aka lack of critical thinking That a guy whos had long but numerous failed attempts at relationships is somehow automatically better then a guy with little because of maybe shyness or other things Though as somebody else said this is mostly about status,a women would rather have a Man that was desired and numerous times in relationships even if it failed miserably each time,they look at a guy with no relationships by a certain age as a guy no other women wants,never underestimate womens insecurity and how they need all their choices in life even in mates validated by other people
CLC2008 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Womens intuition aka lack of critical thinking Bleh. You know, in law enforcement, they rely on critical thinking AND intuition.
Stung Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Womens intuition aka lack of critical thinking That a guy whos had long but numerous failed attempts at relationships is somehow automatically better then a guy with little because of maybe shyness or other things Though as somebody else said this is mostly about status,a women would rather have a Man that was desired and numerous times in relationships even if it failed miserably each time,they look at a guy with no relationships by a certain age as a guy no other women wants,never underestimate womens insecurity and how they need all their choices in life even in mates validated by other people Oh hi there Cognac. I'm not going to address this with you repeatedly because I'm familiar with your 'debate' tactics and trollery, but for the record, it's not about status. At least, it might be for a small minority, but it's not about status for most adult women. It's about experience. People who have been in long relationships have failed at them presumably, but they have also presumably learned from their experiences. Long relationships teach communication skills and conflict-resolution skills, among other things. A smart person who has engaged in a meaningful relationship will walk away from it wiser and with more emotional skills than they had going in. A woman who finds out a man has had zero long relationships is going to wonder if he's blocked in some way emotionally, unable to commit, unable to deal with the highs and lows of emotional intimacy and inevitable conflict. Most women have been burned by this kind of guy before. She's further going to wonder if she's about to enter a relationship and have to be the one to shoulder all of the emotional lifting with a guy who can't empathize or communicate...many women have experienced this, too. A man who can't attract women is a separate issue from a man who has had only a series of flings, and would be regarded differently. While he still wouldn't have the emotional skills that dealing with long relationships brings, he wouldn't necessarily be blocked against learning them or deficient in them in some way, he's still a neutral quantity in that regard, not positive but not necessarily negative either IMO. He still has a major hurdle though in that he's having trouble attracting women. Not because women are all conferring with each other to find out if any other women have ever found him attractive , but because he's not attractive to women. That's a big problem I'll grant you but hopefully it's something he can work on through various courses of self-improvement. He might need to work his a** off to improve his social skills. He might need to go to the gym. He might need to get a style-makeover. Hell, he might even need to move, to a more liberal or academic area with more liberal and/or academic women, or what-have-you. But there are still options open to him and under his control other than staying at home and steeping in bitterness.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Oh hi there Cognac. ... why do you bother to respond? You already know this guy... do you honestly think that he will listen to you?
SteveC80 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Oh hi there Cognac. I'm not going to address this with you repeatedly because I'm familiar with your 'debate' tactics and trollery, but for the record, it's not about status. At least, it might be for a small minority, but it's not about status for most adult women. It's about experience. People who have been in long relationships have failed at them presumably, but they have also presumably learned from their experiences. Long relationships teach communication skills and conflict-resolution skills, among other things. A smart person who has engaged in a meaningful relationship will walk away from it wiser and with more emotional skills than they had going in. A woman who finds out a man has had zero long relationships is going to wonder if he's blocked in some way emotionally, unable to commit, unable to deal with the highs and lows of emotional intimacy and inevitable conflict. Most women have been burned by this kind of guy before. She's further going to wonder if she's about to enter a relationship and have to be the one to shoulder all of the emotional lifting with a guy who can't empathize or communicate...many women have experienced this, too. A man who can't attract women is a separate issue from a man who has had only a series of flings, and would be regarded differently. While he still wouldn't have the emotional skills that dealing with long relationships brings, he wouldn't necessarily be blocked against learning them or deficient in them in some way, he's still a neutral quantity in that regard, not positive but not necessarily negative either IMO. He still has a major hurdle though in that he's having trouble attracting women. Not because women are all conferring with each other to find out if any other women have ever found him attractive , but because he's not attractive to women. That's a big problem I'll grant you but hopefully it's something he can work on through various courses of self-improvement. He might need to work his a** off to improve his social skills. He might need to go to the gym. He might need to get a style-makeover. Hell, he might even need to move, to a more liberal or academic area with more liberal and/or academic women, or what-have-you. But there are still options open to him and under his control other than staying at home and steeping in bitterness. Cognac? You think im some other poster i guess? Iam unaware of him nor do i care to make aliases on a message board im simply stating my mind AS far as being a " lonely bitter guy" umm far from it,not her to brag but im do more then ok with women and have had numerous women on here pm about my picture then ask to meet me My sucees with women is why i can speak from experience allot of their thoughts
Stung Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 ... why do you bother to respond? You already know this guy... do you honestly think that he will listen to you? No. But I was thinking that among all the other people who read his misogynistic post one or two might take it seriously, and benefit from reading an alternate take. It's not like it hurts me to take five minutes to give it a shot, once in a while.
avenger Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) False.... That is a stereotype.... Is there something wrong with a person if they do not get a date to the prom? No. Sometimes it is the women that has come into the guys life. Some women have problems with commitments and or leave or cheat.... You can judge a book by its cover. I think in today's world in America it is better to not get married due to the high divorce rate.... People are more selfish than ever. I am almost 30 and got cheated on and played etc... Now having no one is better in my opinion.I still get looks and some tell me I am cute/etc.. then they get mad when I tell them no and give the reason why. I tell them I am better off single but you can be my friend and it works out. I have not cheated. I am a faithful guy. It sucks that people can lie and do you wrong but that is life. No relationship equals no stress or worries for another person who treats you bad/wrong. I learned forgiveness from my experiences. Plus I dont want to be that guy who gets married then the wife cheats then I will be back at square one again but this time with maybe kids and a huge mortgage to pay off lol. Btw if you look in the bible some of those guys did not get married until they was like 40 plus.... I think people get caught up in fairy tales when it comes to relationships. Life is not about getting a mate. There is so much more to it. Besides what if you got married multiple times and each time it ends in divorce? Would you marry again? Is there something wrong with you? No. It takes two to tango. Society tell people to get married in their 20s-30s..... You can put an age limit on marriage. Most people get married out of fear or being alone then divorce when something they think is better comes along.... And for those people who think older dateless people may be gay need to be quiet lol. They do not even know what is going on. I would just reply I have not met a woman up to my standards and if I may never meet her then I am good no biggie and move on with my life. One last thing dont forget some women are just as shallow as men when it comes to picking a mate..... That is another factor also.... If a 30 yr old man drives a Ford Escort women would avoid him. But if a 16 your old man drives an Escort the women will be all on him. Some women also look at what a man has or what he is wearing before deeming him worthy of her...... Edited July 16, 2010 by avenger
carhill Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I would say true and false, similar to how TBF put it. I remember that era well, one of happiness, success and new adventures. Women simply weren't interested in 'snatching' what I was offering as a man. No remorse over that, save for not having children, though I did learn a bit, and continue to this day, implying there were 'wrong's' to 'right'. So, OP, what's *your* perspective?
make me believe Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 This thread is ridiculous. My boyfriend was 31 when I met him. He could have been "snatched up" quite a few times if he'd been willing to settle. But he never married any of his exs because they simply were not the right ones for him. I don't see how that could possibly mean there's something wrong with him! I'd be more concerned about someone who felt the need to settle just because they were 30 or older.
cabarc1 Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 I'm a 28 year old female and don't see myself settling down before 30. A few people find that weird because they think i'm such a great catch and think something must be up because i'm single. I was in a 5 year relationship that ended when i was 26 and since then i've been dating a lot and met a bunch of great guys that were single 30 something year olds. Haven't found the right one i guess, but even so, i'm not worried about it either. I'm enjoying my single life right now and going with the flow.......
RobinW Posted July 16, 2010 Posted July 16, 2010 Otherwise he would have been snatched by now. True or false? SUPER false!! This is 2010, not 1950. People are able and desire to have actual selfish fun in their youth these days and, frankly, I don't think that anyone should marry until after 30 (including women!). You should even be psyched about the fact that he has lived his life and knows about himself. These are the guys who make better BFs! Robin http://www.achickseyeview.com
Sanman Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 I agree that this is false. I can think of an endless number of reasons that a guy can be 30 and single. This will be brief as this is my third attempt at posting this. 1. Career - This probably the biggest reason I can think to be single at 30. Many of my more ambitious friends are not settled in their career at 30 and need more time. I know a great guy who just married at 36...he is CEO of two companies. Another married at 40 because his gf/wife wanted to become a doctor and moved out of state for five years. They just married two months ago. Would you have faulted him for sticking in his relationship if it had not worked? He would then have been 40 and single. My other 30 year old friend broke up with his gf of 5 years to pursue a graduate degree and further his career while she wanted to settle down and would not move away from her family. At 26, I am just starting to want a real relationship as I was more interested in finishing school and moving back to my current city. Even then, I have hopes of starting a consulting company on the side after I am settled a bit more into my current career. I also like to date independent, career-oriented women. This can often mean that they will be moving away and not settled for a few years. Most of the women I date currently are mid-twenties and just starting or contemplating grad school. The very real possibility exists that I will be 30 and single as many of these relationships break up due to competing careers. My latest ex-gf even stated I was one of the sweetest, most caring men she had ever dated. She just wasn't a place in her life where she could have a serious relationship as she had other priorities (school, work, family,etc.). 2. There are certainly socially awkward guys out there. I know a few of them. I think they would make a pretty decent bf for some woman. However, they are shy, very average looking, and have difficulty with women. My player friends, on the other hand, get many women and are good are eliciting butterflies. They just want to get laid though. Attracting a woman and being a good bf are two very different skill sets. However, no one wants to give the awkward guy a chance. Thus, we all end up with the if they don't want us we want them and vice-versa. As an aside, I was reading about relationships earlier and the notion of 30 and single being bad is truly archaic. This is one of the first periods in time in history where people are choosing to be together for something more than financial necessity and raising children. As little as 50 years ago, this was the case. If we are in a time peroid where there is no need to settle in order to support yourself, then relationships are more of a choice or luxury than a need. There is no need to look at someone as having something wrong with them simply for making a differnt choice than the one you would have. Society does not require you NEED to be married or have a serious relationship and one is free to opt out for as long as one chooses.
Author OceanTropic Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 (edited) Being shy and fearful of rejection constitutes as a problem. There is no such thing as "the one". We are all capable of settling down and being with multiple people. "The one" is a silly myth that gives people false hope that someone perfect will fall into their lap, and that makes people lazy. It gives them the mentality that "Well nothing is wrong with me, its him/her" and as a result they miss a lot of bad patterns they have (by bad I mean things that drive potential mates away) and don't work on them. P.S By single I meant not in a relationship. Marriage is altogether a different story. Edited July 17, 2010 by OceanTropic
SteveC80 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Being shy and fearful of rejection constitutes as a problem. Well for Men yes women are allowed to be fearful of rejection and insecure Men for some reason are not I know two guys like that who are deathly afraid to approach random women and get rejected and the sad part is their normal dudes with big hearts who if just given the chance and able to meet someobdy in the right situation could really be a good mate for somebody
Author OceanTropic Posted July 17, 2010 Author Posted July 17, 2010 Well for Men yes women are allowed to be fearful of rejection and insecure Men for some reason are not I know two guys like that who are deathly afraid to approach random women and get rejected and the sad part is their normal dudes with big hearts who if just given the chance and able to meet someobdy in the right situation could really be a good mate for somebody You are completely right, but what use are their big hearts if they cannot love with them? The only chance they will get to meet somebody is to approach them, otherwise nothing will happen.
gamma1 Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 You are completely right, but what use are their big hearts if they cannot love with them? The only chance they will get to meet somebody is to approach them, otherwise nothing will happen. The reason we don't approach is not only will we be rejected, but we will be called creeps and worse, especially if we approach a woman married or in a relationship. There's really no way to tell unless she's with a guy or we notice her ring.
Sanman Posted July 17, 2010 Posted July 17, 2010 Originally Posted by OceanTropic P.S By single I meant not in a relationship. Marriage is altogether a different story. Well,if we are not talking marriage or a seroius commitment, then his chances of being single and having nothing wrong with him are about equal to that of his 20 and 25 year old counterparts. Many people that age are looking to get married and that can be an issue when dating/entering a relationship. Personally, I have very high standards and have yet to find someone who both meets those standards and wants a serious relationship. One mistake in this area can end up costing you half of your stuff. I have pretty nice stuff.
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