xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 I would definitely avoid the house invitation. It's the kind of small space homely feeling that pressures you to jump into bed with each other. If you're not ready to sleep with him ( kudos to you for sticking to your convictions), I would definitely choose a more public place where it's not easier to get into some hanky panky. PDA is still of course welcomed, but at least there wouldn't be a cloud hanging over your head making you question yourself : " should you, or shouldn't you?" Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 Even if I was OMFG into him sexually, I still wouldn't have sex this early on. So that is irrelevant. I don't really mind a bit of passivity - but I am yet to see how big of a problem that is. As for paying, I have offered EVERY single time. He refused. Last time I even took money out and put some towards the bill but he insisted I take it back. I don't know how much he has spent so far... perhaps couple of hundred dollars, perhaps a bit more. To be honest, I have never dated anyone who didn't insist on paying. I am yet to meet a guy who will say yes when I offer the half. I just thought that's the way all men are? As much as a gentleman as he seems to be, you should press to pay for dessert the next time around. I, like you, have had guys drop considerable amount of money on dates, but even still I try to even things out so as to avoid any guy thinking I should owe them anything later on. Always better to be safe than sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 14, 2010 Author Share Posted July 14, 2010 Also, I am kind of multi-dating at the moment. Not sure if I should tell him this. I assume that he is doing the the same but who knows....He is the most promising prospect so far but I am still keeping my options open. Link to post Share on other sites
marsle85 Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 :)Smart girl. Link to post Share on other sites
bayouboi Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 I would be assuming sex with that invitation. I say don't invite him if you don't want sex. It doesn't sound like you're into him that much anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 Multi-dating? Ok, I will leave you to receive advice from your counterparts! All the best with things, Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Serenitynow Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 I think you just want to show off the house to him Link to post Share on other sites
dispatch3d Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 I disagree. A man taking a woman out for whatever (be it an expensive dinner, or just mini-golf) is a simple, and generous way to express traditional social cues of affection and persual... It seems to me by refusing his kindness, the woman is setting a poor precedent. Women have become hyper-sensitive to going dutch, due to being critisized for enjoying, and accepting kindness. It's absolutely crazy, in my opinion. Ignoring his attempt actually puts up a wall: "I don't need you, I have my own money, my own things, yadayadaya" which very well may true... but relationships aren't based on two individuals who don't need eachother. Sure, I have my own money- but I don't have someone to treat me special, romantically, to treasure me. And because of this, I'm going to let you pay for me. It's important to be gracious, and to not manipulate the person- but it's also important to establish that trust and vulnerability between man and woman. One to their own, certainly there are different dynamics in each relationship- yet I think rejecting a man's kindness is more risky than accepting it. If he is going to EXPECT sex, or other favors in "trade" of dinner-- it doesn't matter whether she pays or not... his behavior is going to reveal his intentions early on anyway. sex should not be some kind of favour you give to a guy. Hopefully you are enjoying it too? Sex should be this mutual thing you both want and enjoy. The early comments from guys saying well this guy has put +$200 into you he should get sex now is exactly why I don't like paying for dates. It's not the money. It's the fact it can setup this attitude where I've already given you something therefore you MUST owe me something in return (ie. sexual favours). Not the best way to setup a relationship from the very start. But I'd be violating social norms if I didn't offer to pay. Anyways that's a side note. I doubt you'll ever want to say "this is the night I want to have sex". You likely just want it to happen and flow naturally from the relationship. Know that by inviting him there you likely will get frisky, and how far the two of you go will depend on many things. I mean you will likely makeout (since you have before and it's an intimate environment), so how far it goes from that point is anybodies guess. If you don't want to do that in your friends house, don't invite him there. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 OK, 'old-fashioned' girl, accept this guy's gentlemanly offers to pay for dates, get to know him, perhaps go dancing and enjoy each other physically in public, kiss him goodnight passionately under the streetlamp before retiring to your home *alone*. You did say 'old-fashioned'. Put all the steps together. If you live in Perth, there's that great little car park at the top of a hill (I think it was in Kings Park but could be wrong) overlooking the lights of the city. Very romantic. A friend took stbx and I up there on one of our trips and got some great pictures of us with the city lights in the background. If you want to blend a bit of old-fashioned with a bit of modern, not a bad place to do it, IMO. Since you're 'old-fashioned' and are 'multi-dating', which for old fashioned ladies isn't a conflict, since no sex is involved, go with that. Be consistent. If you enjoy the man's company, go with that, publicly, and retire privately, alone Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 Also, I am kind of multi-dating at the moment. Not sure if I should tell him this. I assume that he is doing the the same but who knows....He is the most promising prospect so far but I am still keeping my options open. And you're starting the potential relationship off by falsely representing yourself with him? Yet when it comes to date activities, you want to be sure he is clear of things? And on top, you expect some "gesture" of dining on his wallet? I see nothing wrong with multi-dating. I have done it, but never kept anyone in the dark about it. At least, if you're going to expect him to be all traditional about paying, let him be aware that you are still accepting invitations from others. Because multi-dating isn't an old fashioned style and it makes it weird that you'd do it while proclaiming yourself an old fashioned kind of girl. Do you hide the multi-dating to ensure you get the "gesture" of him paying for your meal or what?!? You don't have to have sex with someone you are not ready to have sex with. But it would be best to be at least an honest person - yes? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 You are multi-dating and men always pay, yet you are old fashioned.... Boy, how lucky these guys must be to have your time..... Call me stupid, but yes the man insists to pay the first time and may pay a larger % if disproportionate in wages/salary..... But to keep shelling for someone multi-dating is a sad indictment. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 I think the last few posts have been a little hash on the op here guys im sure lots of women do the exact same thing multi date. Its just she doesn't want to sleep with this guy until shes 100% sure hes the one whats wrong with that? I commend you op! I will say tho if this is the 4th date now? the guy may be thinking he has some level of exclusivity so its getting close to making your mind up time ether that or being totally honest with him. Cause you are teetering on the edge of taking advantage and im sure thats not your true intent.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 14, 2010 Author Share Posted July 14, 2010 I met this guy on an online dating site. Basically, he was a complete stranger when we met. How the hell am I supposed to *know* if he is for me after a single date? Even now, I have few reservations that I have outlined above (passivity, low physical attraction). I am aware that I will have to make a decision soon, and beleive me I am in some turmoil over it. He has been logging in on the dating site daily. I am sure that his intent is to multi-date too at this point. He might not be getting dates as it's harder for guys on these sites, but the intent is there. Further, I am not having sex with anyone. I haven't even made out with anyone but him. I have only gone on a second date with 1 other guy, the rest were all first meet ups. There are a couple of more guys that I want to meet before making the decision of who to stick with (if anyone). I don't beleive that exclusivity is assumed until there is some talk over it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 SCWA, have you had a LTR which began positively, meaning all the signals were positive, even if it didn't last (obviously, if you're here, it didn't)? IOW, have you felt that mutual progression which obviates all these questions? The reason I ask is, if you have, this current ambivilence, to me, would be a clear indicator to move on to other potentials. Having been married, and now occasionally dating, I can see this so much more clearly than during my single years. Even if those progressions didn't turn out to be life-long marriages/LTR's, you know how it 'feels' and can use that emotional information to proceed to get to know the person better, or move on. Any insight? Link to post Share on other sites
kalikula Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 Actually I have changed my mind and I don't think you should invite him over. The other posters were harsh... How does she know he isn't seeing other people still? I agree that you should seriously consider whether you like him or not now.. Low physical attraction is definitely a reason to think twice... Think about how you really feel about him and don't just keep dating because he's good on paper or you're giving him a fair chance... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 14, 2010 Author Share Posted July 14, 2010 SCWA, have you had a LTR which began positively, meaning all the signals were positive, even if it didn't last (obviously, if you're here, it didn't)? IOW, have you felt that mutual progression which obviates all these questions? The reason I ask is, if you have, this current ambivilence, to me, would be a clear indicator to move on to other potentials. Having been married, and now occasionally dating, I can see this so much more clearly than during my single years. Even if those progressions didn't turn out to be life-long marriages/LTR's, you know how it 'feels' and can use that emotional information to proceed to get to know the person better, or move on. Any insight? I have never felt strong chemistry and compatibility with one person. All my other Rs were based on strong physical attraction that completly blinded me to how incompatible those guys were. I am now trying something different to see how that works out. I have never met anyone in my 31 years where as you said, all sings are positive. It's time for me to re-think my expectations or end up alone. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 Actually I have changed my mind and I don't think you should invite him over. The other posters were harsh... How does she know he isn't seeing other people still? I agree that you should seriously consider whether you like him or not now.. Low physical attraction is definitely a reason to think twice... Think about how you really feel about him and don't just keep dating because he's good on paper or you're giving him a fair chance... I know its hard to believe but people find these things out more easily by simply TALKING to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Gattica Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 I think it is hilarious that you can’t invite someone you are 3-4 dates into the “relationship” to your home and watch movies w/o it being an invitation for sex. IF you have already talked about your expectations as far as sex is concerned, it shouldn't be an issue. It could actually open the door to that conversation if you haven't already had it. I don’t see two mature people having a problem with being in each others homes and not having sex. Someone mentioned no making out unless you plan on having sex. I don’t see any issue with making out w/o it leading to sex. Why does it have to be all or nothing? This is where communication is key. Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 If your not ready for sex, don't put your self in the position to have sex. When this guy makes a move to have sex with you (and he will), you will reject him. He will be very disappointed. Ding, ding, ding. Such an invite has all the ear marks of wanting to go all the way and stop frittering away the time you could be finding out if there's good sexual chemistry if not some ecstasy. If you're not willing to have sex after three nice dates, then don't create a scene where it seems rather stupid not to take advantage of the ability to be alone and free. Just keep sucking his wallet in public until he tires of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 14, 2010 Author Share Posted July 14, 2010 OK! I am convinced. We will go out instead. Link to post Share on other sites
kalikula Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 I know its hard to believe but people find these things out more easily by simply TALKING to each other. Yes but in most dating scenarios people don't assume they're exclusive unless they SAY they're exclusive, as the poster just said. I've never had a guy assume that I'm only seeing him unless we actually *discussed* it. I always thought that was a big rule of dating, don't just assume things... Not to say that they shouldn't discuss it of course. I can understand not having immediate strong physical chemistry with someone but still wanting to see where things go... But do you guys have a good connection though? Do you talk between dates or have really good conversation? Edit: Oh I guess you've decided then! Good luck, hope it goes well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 14, 2010 Author Share Posted July 14, 2010 Yes we have really good conversations. They are easy and just flow without any awkward moments. He is extremly intelligent - which I REALLY like. We also have common interests. I can easily see myself being with him for years - things are that natural. That sort of connection is not easy to find... Link to post Share on other sites
Chicago_Guy Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 He is cute but I wouldn't say that I am super attracted to him. This might be a stumbling block later. I agree that he tends to be passive. He did suggest the restaraunt for the last date. But he ended up ordering the same thing as me. In general, I feel like I am more dominant out of the two of us and he tends to look for me to take the lead. I don't really mind this dynamic I personally wouldn't assume that you necessarily wanted to have sex, especially if you have not yet made out with him. However, I think you need to make up your mind soon. Why make this guy waste his time and money exerting effort to be with you if you aren't even that attracted to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Cracker Jack Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 (edited) ^I believe she said she made out with him already. Either way, I still don't see the issue with inviting him over. Not everyone is looking for sex just because you're in a house watching DVD's. I also agree with Chicago_Guy. How interested are you in this guy? It's kinda vague when reading your posts. Ninja Edit:Well, you appear to be very interested if you could see yourself being with him. If that's the case, you should be able to invite him over without having doubt. Obviously there's still doubt somewhere. Edited July 14, 2010 by Cracker Jack Link to post Share on other sites
Author SadandConfusedWA Posted July 14, 2010 Author Share Posted July 14, 2010 I am pretty interested. We just click. I do have some reservations and so I need a bit more time to figure it out. Sparks can happen later. Link to post Share on other sites
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