Sanman Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 So, life and my most recent relationship (R.I.P) have gotten me thinking about things. I have had a history of meeting many women and having shorter relationships. A large part of the reason for this was a lack of passion/butterflies with the women I have been with. The two times I have had that feeling and fallen in love have turned out badly (both were incompatible and commitment phobic). The most recent of these two relationships ended a month ago. I honestly felt that we both clicked physcally/mentally better than I have with anyone in my life. For the first time I believed I had found "the one". However, there were large compatibility issues (her bisexuality/polyamory preferences and IMO commitment issues). Perhaps I have come out slightly jaded while watching my friends progress in their romantic relationships. However, I am starting to think I have been putting too much emphasis on chemistry and not enough on compatibility to the detriment of my happiness. The resaon for this was that I felt it was unfair to the woman and I if there wasn't that butterflies feeling. As I get older, I am beginning to think that I could be happy with one of the beautiful and intelligent women that I let go of because of a lack of butterflies. Though, It would be more of a long term contentment than the passionate love I have always chased. So Love Shack, what are your opinions? Continue to chase passionate love and hope for compatibility or settle for contentment with a good woman?
Green Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Be smart and find passion in something that will work. Bring the fire
Author Sanman Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 I do bring the fire. That is what keeps many of the women attracted. It is more about me not feeling like I am gettting anything from them. They are not broadening my horizons.
that girl Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I think some guys can get so in the mindset of the chase that they don't really think about what they are chasing after. If you're constantly dating it can be harder to committ. Also, if you're constantly picking up women it is possible that you're not going for the compatiable girls, just the flashiest ones. I think it really depends on what you are doing. Chemistry is important, but it isn't everything.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Well, were you attracted enough to those women to have sex with them, even if you didn't get "butterflies"? Because butterflies are waaaaaaay overrated. I've been dating my boyfriend the past five years. I had butterflies the first 6 months at the most. It doesn't mean I'm not insanely attracted to him still. I want sex with him. I feel attached to him. I love him and he makes me comfortable. But he doesn't give me butterflies anymore and I don't know why I need them. Butterflies come from being uncertain about the relationship and the person. It comes with huge emotional highs and lows. Honestly, I hate that part of relationships. It's the infatuation stage and it draws you in too much and brings too much drama into your life. It's important to feel attraction to the person, obviously. You can't have sex with someone that you don't feel at all attracted to, but attraction isn't about "butterflies", it's more than that. Butterflies are just infatuation and just because you didn't feel butterflies with those women doesn't mean you couldn't fall in love with them. Butterflies are about the thrill of the chase. That's why you're getting them with all these incompatible women and since they don't last long, you have to move on quickly from them. It's fine if that's how you want to live your life. That's just how some people are, but deeper, longer lasting relationships aren't that way. They are actually about how you feel once the butterflies disappear.
Author Sanman Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 It isn't really the chase or the uncertainty that I like. Nor do I simply date the best looking women. I will admit though, I enjoy women who can challenge and intrigue me. Both the women I fell for were intelligent, independent, very open-minded, fiery/fiesty, able to teach me about things I had interest but limited knowledge in (theatre, art, literature), more free-spirited, and unafraid to stand their ground. I have a strong personality and enjoy another strong personality so that I don't dominate the relationship too much. They also brought out the spontaneous, fun side of me rather than the professional, sensible side. Both either shared or liked my dark, sarcastc humor. While, the other women were physically attractive enough for me and very sweet, they did not give me the intellectual stimulation/admiration of those two and I find myself bored at times. Many were willing/enjoyed my ideas and interests, but had nothing to teach me or contribute. I am interested in a long-term relationship, companionship, etc., but would love that fire. It just seems like the ones that are more traditional, like me, and want me as a bf lack that fire. It is that fire that I have always been after and would like to hold on to. The relationships weren't that short when I found what I was looking for (1 year and 5 months respectively). It just seems that they are unwilling to give up their freedom and have a serious relationship.
runner Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 i can't take this as an either/or scenario. i require both in my relationships, and i'm quite fine remaining single if something is lacking.
sultry33 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 The rs I first came on here about was butterflies all the way.. even a text/call I got them.. yrs later still the same. It was the most painful rs of my life. I too have had many rs without the butterflies.. that was great. I still want the butterflies:eek: For me its magical and I hope to have both the butterflies and the normality of a great rs... but im not holding my breath it will happen.
shellyagal Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 "Love is in the air, everywhere I look around, Love is in the air, every sight and every sound." Try out if the other person loves you the same way as you do. You can send an anonymous crush to your heart throb using AAfter Search. Your identity will only be disclosed if your crush feels the same way as you do. Here is what you need to write in the search box- crush:your email: email of crush 1 : email of crush 2 : email of crush 3 then click Enter. Let the magic of love begin.
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I have been thinking about this recently. I have always found one or the other in men, never both in the same person. I am now sort of dating a guy who is very compatible with me (in terms of common interests, long term goals, views on relationships and family, we are of about equal intelligence etc, understands my work and I his) but I don't feel any fire there. I can kiss him and it's not bad, I just don't feel much. The problem is, I am trying to change my life and not repeat my past mistakes so I am thinking this could be a way to go.
sultry33 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I have been thinking about this recently. I have always found one or the other in men, never both in the same person. I am now sort of dating a guy who is very compatible with me (in terms of common interests, long term goals, views on relationships and family, we are of about equal intelligence etc, understands my work and I his) but I don't feel any fire there. I can kiss him and it's not bad, I just don't feel much. The problem is, I am trying to change my life and not repeat my past mistakes so I am thinking this could be a way to go. Im right with you on this thinking.. If its just the *fire* thats missing maybe wise to see where it goes you could have all the *fire* and none of the above.. its the above that makes a rs imo
OceanTropic Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 You're 100% right. My ex and I had chemistry that people could sense across the room, and the sex was great, and we really hit it off, but we weren't compatible. We were so different and eventually this is why we broke up. My current bf however, we don't have much chemistry at all, btu we are so alike, have similar lifestyles and we are very compatible, and this relationship is going a lot smoother (and progressing much more) than the last. Its hard to find a person who has both, but compatibility reigns over chemistry, and eventually is better in the long run.
slownumbers81 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) Sanman, Butterflies are good but the truth is that they never last and in my opinion certainly not something to base a relationship on. If you are looking for something exciting and short term, then go for it. If you are looking for something long term and committed, I would say compatibility is way more important than butterflies. That doesn't mean you can't have both, but the butterflies will always fade. I've heard that long term healthy relationships are hard work and can feel boring and dull at times BUT they have much healthier benefits in the long run. My happily married friend recently told me: "(butterflies) never, ever last forever...the butterflies are hormones pouring into your stomach. sure, they can come back every now and then; mostly when you are remembering the first stages of dating. they aren't a reason to stay with someone..." Edited July 13, 2010 by slownumbers81
SadandConfusedWA Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 Sanman, Butterflies are good but the truth is that they never last and in my opinion certainly not something to base a relationship on. If you are looking for something exciting and short term, then go for it. If you are looking for something long term and committed, I would say compatibility is way more important than butterflies. That doesn't mean you can't have both, but the butterflies will always fade. I've heard that long term healthy relationships are hard work and can feel boring and dull at times BUT they have much healthier benefits in the long run. My happily married friend recently told me: "(butterflies) never, ever last forever...the butterflies are hormones pouring into your stomach. sure, they can come back every now and then; mostly when you are remembering the first stages of dating. they aren't a reason to stay with someone..." While it's true that butterflies don't last and the "honeymoon stage" is just few months long... it is VERY hard to get thorugh the first few months of seeing someone without the passion. As for those that say that butterflies are caused by uncertainity and drama..SO not true. It's natural sexual/physical chemistry that you either have with someone or you don't. The guy I have started dating recently sometimes doesn't reply to texts for few hours. Things are also very uncertain..I pretty much don't know if I will ever see him agian after each date. Yet, the butterflies are completly absent. Even when I wait for him to reply to my text, all I feel is mildly pissed off.
Author Sanman Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 Hey all, Thanks for the helpful opinions. Vestalvirgin: All of the women I have dated seriously embodied the core qualities I value (pretty much the same as yours). That, to me, is part of compatibility. The other part is simply wanting similar things in life (a long-term relationship, possibly children in the future, similar lifestyle). While the women I have loved had the core values, we differed greatly on the other part. Or rather, they may want the other part in the very distant future and I would like it within the next few years definitely. Being honest, responsible, compassionate, etc does not mean that you won't cringe at an "I love you" and freak out at the thought of commitment. SadandConfusedWA: You definitely get what I am talking about. I agree that the butterflies isn't just new relationship stuff. With other women I have dated, I liked them but did not care if they were quick to respond, etc. and it did not bother me. With the ones I loved, I constantly check my phone and hope to hear from them. It is simply that I cannot get enough of that person. I have no doubt that it doesn't last, but it does make me want to work harder to impress them, treat them better, etc. It is definitely harder to woo someone if you don't have that feeling. Sultry, Slownumbers, OceanTropic: I do want a more long-term, serious relationship. I have always known that crazy/fun and passionate women turn me, but have believed I could find someone with the right mix of crazy/fun and sane/responsible to have a great relationship with. However, after two years on constant dating and another failed love, I am considering the fact that I may have to put aside the inital sparks/fire if I want end up in something more serious and enduring. Unfortunately, there is no book about this stuff to say what is right and I may have taken a bit longer than my peers to realize such things.
slownumbers81 Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 Unfortunately, there is no book about this stuff to say what is right and I may have taken a bit longer than my peers to realize such things. Sanman this book may have something to do with what you are looking for: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Levels-Intimacy-Loving-Being/dp/0743265114 I've read parts of it, it seemed interesting and talked about things to look for in relationships, etc. Hope that helps!
Author Sanman Posted July 14, 2010 Author Posted July 14, 2010 Thanks for the book reference. When I said that, I meant no one can simply tell me the right amount of passion/chemistry vs real world compatibility to have in a relationship. The truth is that we are all dealt individual experiences and need to find a way to navigate them toward happiness. Hopefully, the collective wisdom here can help steer me in the right direction.
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