Why is attracting a girl so counter-intuitive?

[Pfiend101]

Honestly at this point unless you have something else lined up. I would just continue having sex with her. I was recently in a similar situation and wanted to make things official. She said yes then we broke up after I questioned her about the dating site she still used.

[Disillusioned]

Oh come on, if it wasn't counterintuitive, it wouldn't be such a challenge! I mean, picture yourself sitting across a table from another person, each of you emotionlessly checking off your lists with a pencil---

"Hmm, you cook... goooood... you have a steady job... okaaaay... uh-oh, you've had credit card problems... not good."

 

It would work for *me*, but I'm the only one.

[sugarmomma]

I would say find someone that shares your values. She's probably hooking up with other guys as well and not interested in being exclusive with anyone. I wouldn't take it personal though. She probably has some issues that have nothing to do with you. I would stop having "benefits" with her since you're starting to get attached as opposed to continuing and taking a chance on not getting further attached.

 

Don't settle for less than you want. Women are faced with this same dilemma all the time-hoping that he will eventually come around and want the same things. It doesn't usually happen that way.

 

Save yourself some long term pain and cut contact with her.

 

Next time be yourself and stop playing games. If you want a real relationship you have to be real. Its okay to show an appropriate amount of interest in a woman and still get the results you want. You don't have to be distant and aloof since that will only attract a CERTAIN kind of woman. A healthy woman is going to be turned off by your mysterious demeanor.

[vanek26]

I guess at this point I have 3 plans of attack I could execute.

 

1. Agree to just be her friend with benefits for now and live off of the sliver of hope that she changes her mind.

 

2. Tell her straight up that we can still hook up, but we're not going to be exclusive if she won't be in a relationship. I brought that up before and she got really upset, so it might work.

 

3. Just cut ties with her altogether and go back to square 1. Probably the best choice in the long run but the most painful in the short run.

[sugarmomma]

I guess at this point I have 3 plans of attack I could execute.

 

1. Agree to just be her friend with benefits for now and live off of the sliver of hope that she changes her mind.

 

2. Tell her straight up that we can still hook up, but we're not going to be exclusive if she won't be in a relationship. I brought that up before and she got really upset, so it might work.

 

3. Just cut ties with her altogether and go back to square 1. Probably the best choice in the long run but the most painful in the short run.

 

So what's your plan??

[vanek26]

I don't know... I mean.. as a guy... it's really tough to turn down sex. But I'm not sure if I can deal with the emotional ups and downs that come with being just a hook up.

 

It sucks because I really thought I made progress with this one. My goal is to be in a relationship. And I figured after the sex and all that that I was well on my way. But it seems more elusive than ever now.

[zengirl]

Sounds like you're dating the wrong girl. It's not that the process is counter intuitive. . . it's that you want two things that are counter to each other:

 

1. This girl

 

2. A relationship

 

This girl doesn't want a relationship, at least not with you. She's told you that. You can accept the kind of relationship she wants (I don't really think you can, from what you say). Or you can go try to find a girl who wants what you want. No dating tactic can control this girl and make her want what you want.

 

For that matter, it seems like it wasn't anything you did to influence the situation. Maybe she isn't over her ex. Maybe she just never saw you as relationship material. Maybe she just needs to be single right now. Maybe. . . a lot of things.

 

There is no magic way to "get" someone.

[vanek26]

Let me just be clear about one thing. Even though she will say for the record that she could see herself having a relationship with me in the future, that's BS, right? We've all pretty much universally agreed upon that at this point, correct?

[zengirl]

Let me just be clear about one thing. Even though she will say for the record that she could see herself having a relationship with me in the future, that's BS, right? We've all pretty much universally agreed upon that at this point, correct?

 

I don't know if it's BS, as in she doesn't mean it. I can't read minds, and I reckon nobody else here can either. So, that's not the question to ask. Maybe she really does mean it, but there's no use in caring whether she does or doesn't mean that someday, in the future, she sees that in her mind.

 

My point is: It's pretty useless even if she does mean it.

 

For one, that doesn't help you now. Live in the present.

 

For another, just because she "sees" it now (in the world where she doesn't want to have a relationship with you -- that much she's said) doesn't mean it will happen later or even that she'll still "see" it later.

 

Don't live for "someday."

 

Don't live for what someone might "see in their mind."

 

And remember, even if she said it "for the record," it's not really a record at all. She loses nothing by saying that, commits to nothing, and gives nothing. She's made it very clear she's not ready to be in a relationship with you. What you decide to do with that is up to you.

[Feelin Frisky]

Okay, let me get this straight.

 

You've worked with a girl for two months. Within a few weeks of meeting her you were regularly having sex, which is how you lost your virginity. She isn't sure she wants to be in a relationship.

 

That sounds like her looking for casual sex. There isn't much you can do about that other than keep things light and try not to get super attached. But I wouldn't use this to generalize about all women.

 

I second that.

[TheLoneSock]

This is very simple OP. Whatever it took to get her is what it takes to keep her.

[MrNate]

That's about as correct as me being sexy.

 

(extremely correct)

[jamesum]

So she popped your cherry and ran, eh? LOL

[You'reasian]

I guess my distorted view of how dating works can be attributed to my lack of social success in High School, and therefore my childish assumptions.

 

A little over a month ago, I met a girl and we hit it off very well right off the bat. We went out together and she was all over me, kissing me on the dance floor and then a few days later we were having sex. Silly me, I assumed that having sex with a girl meant I was obviously acceptable to be in a relationship with, but as I found out it doesn't work that way. Who would have guessed?

 

No, sex is the easy part. But entering into an exclusive relationship is a whole other matter entirely. And so much can go wrong, it really is doing more harm than good as I worry myself sick.

 

So here I am, asking you guys for advice and tips on keeping her interested.

 

The disney-channel method, which I have tried for many years now, obviously doesn't work. Being sweet, complimenting her, being available, being trusting... all of that crap just makes someone boring. The trick seems to be to make myself as distant as possible and pray that she doesn't lose interest entirely.

 

I have tried to stick to my protocol from day 1. 95% of the time, I don't text her first. I never call her. I try to do things with other friends and make it noticeable to her (without being obvious about it). I really try not to get jealous when she's around other guys, though I occasionally stray from this.

 

Here are the facts:

 

For the first two weeks of our friendship, we hung out nearly every day and had sex multiple times a day. She became concerned that we were "based on sex" so we cut it down. Now we only hang out about twice a week.

 

She calls me every night before bed, and commonly refers to me as "babe" in text messages.

 

3 weeks ago we had a heart to heart talk where she confessed that she did really like me, but wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. (she just got out of a long term one before meeting me). She seemed sure that eventually she would date me...

 

She gets really jealous if i'm talking to other girls.

 

That's all I can think of for now. We have good chemistry, share good conversations, and she's certainly not out of my league looks-wise. The alarming thing to me is that she just doesn't seem like she wants to commit to dating me, and I may be wasting my time.

 

She'll go days without talking to me which will lead me to think 'it's over' and then she'll say something like "i bought a dress today for when we go on a real date." My feelings sway up and down throughout the day.

 

What would you say my next course of action should be? It's my nature to get all mushy on her but I know I have to avoid that. Should I just keep trying to lay off her and hope that she comes around? Any specific strategies? Thanks!

 

Girls just wanna have fun.... remember that...

[BS76]

Why is attracting a girl so counter-intuitive?

 

Short version is that what we cognitively want out of relationships isn't what drives that animal attraction. What does is the things that the hindbrain picks up on. Attraction isn't a choice. Generally speaking men are attracted to the hallmarks of fertility and women are attracted to the "alpha male" which is status, provider, strength, leader of men, and so on. Basically the tribal leader. A simple example is the high school quarterback being the homecoming king.

[MrNate]

Just FLEX for her.

 

This will solve everything.

 

 

Note: Muscles may be needed.