BuccMan Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I have been divorced for 3 years now. I finally started dating again and found a nice woman about 3 months ago. Last Tuesday, something happened that I don't understand and I reacted, maybe overreacted. Tell me what you think. We had made plans for her to come over to my place and use the phone for a 2 hour phone call. This would prevent her from having to use her cell phone minutes. -------------------------------------------------------- 1st phone call - she calls me She is in a very good mood. Says she has just finished some things and has to go to the store and get a few things before she comes over. O.K. I'll see you when you get here - bye sweetheart - bye honey. ------------------------------------------------------------- 2nd phone call - 30 minutes later - she calls me. She is in a very different mood. Says she does not feel good, decided to stay home today. She will not be coming over as we planned and will use her cell minutes for the call. I say O.K. I understand you don't feel good and I'll call you later? She says O.K. Bye -------------------------------------------------------- 3rd Phone call - 1.5 hours later - I call her. My words - "Hi honey - Listen I know you don't feel good, but I thought you might still want to come over and just take it easy before using the phone." Her reply - "I TOLD YOU I don't feel good." "How many times do I need to tell you that when I don't feel good that I don't want to hear from you". "Is this going to be the way things will be in our relationship?" Now, this is the first time I have heard anything about not calling when she is not feeling well. I say "I'm sorry, I was just trying to help you.." Here she cuts me off and then says this" "I don't want or need your help", does your small brain begin to understand now!" ---------------------------------------------------------- It went downhill from here. I felt very insulted and disrespected by some of the things she said. Due to this, I packed up all the stuff she had over at my place (we had discussed and agreed on her moving in a little at a time) and moved it back to her place. When I did, she began asking if this kind of "episode" was going to happened all the time in our relationship. I promptly left. In less than 2 hours, we went from calling each other sweetheart and honey to this. I called her the next day and the same continued. I waited 4 days, called last night - no answer, left a message. Can anyone tell me what happened here? What did I do wrong? I moved her stuff back to her place because of the way she disrespected me and because it sounded to me like she doesn't want to be with me. Did I overreact? Thanks for any advice, Buccman
lotus118 Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 This is a tricky situation. Here is my stance, I don't think you were wrong in feeling extremely insulted and disrespected. I would feel the same way if I was trying to offer help to a friend or SO and they yelled at me and went ballistic on me like that. Here are some questions, does she usually have an aggressive personality or crazy temper? Is she extremely stubborn and independent and/or the kind of person who wants to be left alone when she's in a bad mood? Are you guys in an official relationship with a label? If her acting like this was out of the blue and very uncharacteristic of her, maybe something extremely serious happened like a death in the family or an emergency and she needed her space and time to collect herself and her thoughts and felt like you were intruding. If that is the case, then you dropping off her things to her place was rude and uncalled for even if how she treated you was extremely wrong. You could have waited to talk to her about it later and told her how you felt disturbed by her behavior before deciding to end things or dropping her things off at her place. You can't just assume she wants to end things because of how she acts once. However if this is typical behavior for her, there wasn't a serious emergency or you guys are in a serious relationship and she still hasn't contacted you back, then the flaw lies entirely in her court. Keep us updated on the situation and please hang in there.
sagetalk Posted July 13, 2010 Posted July 13, 2010 I would dump her over that or at least take a break, but it's your call. Welcome to the wonderful world of dating "independent women". It's a living hell for sane, relationship minded men and a paradise for guys just looking to score. Bleh .
Author BuccMan Posted July 13, 2010 Author Posted July 13, 2010 This is a tricky situation. Here is my stance, I don't think you were wrong in feeling extremely insulted and disrespected. I would feel the same way if I was trying to offer help to a friend or SO and they yelled at me and went ballistic on me like that. Here are some questions, does she usually have an aggressive personality or crazy temper? Is she extremely stubborn and independent and/or the kind of person who wants to be left alone when she's in a bad mood? Are you guys in an official relationship with a label? If her acting like this was out of the blue and very uncharacteristic of her, maybe something extremely serious happened like a death in the family or an emergency and she needed her space and time to collect herself and her thoughts and felt like you were intruding. If that is the case, then you dropping off her things to her place was rude and uncalled for even if how she treated you was extremely wrong. You could have waited to talk to her about it later and told her how you felt disturbed by her behavior before deciding to end things or dropping her things off at her place. You can't just assume she wants to end things because of how she acts once. However if this is typical behavior for her, there wasn't a serious emergency or you guys are in a serious relationship and she still hasn't contacted you back, then the flaw lies entirely in her court. Keep us updated on the situation and please hang in there. Answers to some of the questions; She does not have a aggressive personality and so far her temper has not shown itself (until now). She is a very independent woman but has not said that I need to leave her alone when she is not feeling well or in a bad mood. No official label; however, she made the comment one night - I think we are a couple! I really did not mean to intrude or treat her in a dependent way. I just wanted to help her. That's why this is so confusing to me. Do independent women dislike being helped so much? My reaction to move her things back comes from being badly treated by a woman in the past. I likely should have waited to talk with her, but being insulted the way she did really upset me. Thanks for all the help, BuccMan
Southern Belle Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 BuccMan, IMO (which may not be worth much...), she has given you a glimpse that any continued relationship with her may be peppered with moments of irrational outburst and verbal/emotional abuse. No one deserves to be talked to the way that you were. Next.Her. Also, you were much nicer than I would have been. If a man spoke to me that way, I would box up his things....and drop them off in the nearest dumpster.
Enchanted Girl Posted July 14, 2010 Posted July 14, 2010 I disagree with most people in this thread. Some people just get really cranky when they are sick or tired. My boyfriend is this way and has called me stupid before and things when he was this way, even when I was trying to be helpful towards him like you were. I don't blame you for getting mad. I usually get mad when my boyfriend acts that way, but I think it was an overreaction to go a step further than that and take her stuff back to her place. Pretty much when you did that, you said that the relationship was over, especially since the two of you didn't have an official label yet. She probably moved on once she saw what you had done. I'm not saying to just take it when a partner treats you badly, but people all have faults. They all say and do hurtful things and you have to really think if that thing was a deal breaker in the relationship or not. Because if you're going to take steps to make it seem like you're breaking up with the person and not really mean it, they may just take you up on the offer like she did. It would have been better to wait to talk to her until she was more calm, like the next day, and tell her how the whole thing made her feel. If she continued to treat you like crap and did so on a regular basis, showing disregard for your feelings entirely, then that's a totally different story. But you didn't give her a chance to have faults and apologize. Also, I'm sorry you had a bad relationship in the past, but try not to carry that into your new relationships if you can. You can't really move on and have new fulfilling relationships if you're always bringing the past back into them.
Recommended Posts