Reasons A's start despite being in an already good relationship

[delirious]

It is obvious to me and maybe others Broken that all you needed was confirmation that you were not in any way to blame for this affair (which you may well not have been) and that your marriage was perfect and so are you and you would not be prepared to accept anything else, so why ask? Basically people just don't have affairs, they don't usually wake up one day and say 'i'm going to have an affair today' they just sometimes end up meeting someone that makes them want to have one, it is a simple as that. And some people never do. No one size fits all.

[TaraMaiden]

So I am guessing you think Laci Peterson was partly responsible for her lot? Would you care to address that?

 

No, I wouldn't. I have no idea who Laci peterson is, was or has done, and frankly, I don't think it's relevant to my comments. I'm answering the OP's points, not bringing psychotic factors in.

[Fight4Me]

I don't believe for one second that Broken12 believes she is perfect. I see a deeply hurting BW trying to make sense of what went wrong. For those of you who have never experienced this type of betrayal, her questions of "why" and "how" are simply part of the healing process we all go through. It's no different than grieving the loss of a loved one, but in this case it's her marriage and everything she loved and believed to be true about it.

 

I remember specifically mourning the loss of my marriage, even though we were reconciling. All the great times, the deep connection, the births of our children, the struggles we got through... all of it seemed a lie. I got past that stage, but I did it with a lot of support from those who had been there too, and with the remorse and introspection my fWH went through.

 

You'll get through this, Broken.

[TaraMaiden]

If I could just respond, to clear something you said, up....

I, for one, am not accusing Broken12 of having said that she's perfect. I've never implied that.

But Broken12 was of the opinion - in her first post - that her relationship was as near-perfect as it could be, and that everything in the garden was rosy, so could not understand or digest that this betrayal occurred.

 

We had a really lovely relationship. NOTHING missing.

I'm afraid a lot of posters disagreed with her.

[Spark1111]

If I could just respond, to clear something you said, up....

I, for one, am not accusing Broken12 of having said that she's perfect. I've never implied that.

But Broken12 was of the opinion - in her first post - that her relationship was as near-perfect as it could be, and that everything in the garden was rosy, so could not understand or digest that this betrayal occurred.

 

 

I'm afraid a lot of posters disagreed with her.

 

And I cannot help but wonder why?

 

TM, you are smart and informed and opinionated, which I admire.

 

So I am really at a loss why you do not know or at least support that affairs CAN HAPPEN in very good marriages?

 

And why take such a hard line here with a new poster?

[TaraMaiden]

Have you read all my posts?

The first post I offered was to highlight that Desire is a natural instinct, but that Fidelity is a choice.

I don't believe that humans are designed or programmed to be faithful, at all.

I could see where the OP was coming from. But it doesn't seem to be - throughout the thread - that she is willing to accept that if somebody strays within a relationship, there is always a trigger, however slight or subtle it might be. But the bottom line is that her H cheated because he felt like it.

And I still stand by that.

And sometimes, no matter how wonderful the relationship, fighting that instinct is not something some people can, or are prepared to, do.

I really am not trying to hurt anyone here.

But harsh reality is sometimes hard to see when you're trying to see how something as good as this, could be inexplicably flawed.

[StoptheDrama]

Sorry - meant to start a new thread but hit the wrong button......

[JLB]

Hi all, I have been following this thread since you started it...was going to jump in and say a few words but thought I wouldn't steal 'Broken's' thread and start my own. I am in the midst of an ongoing affair of my husbands,,,,and yes Tara...he did admit he was bored...however, it has escalated way past boredom at this point.

 

If any of you care to read, it's here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2889712#post2889712

[lolalove]

:laugh:

Ah dear.....!

 

Oh please, climb off the horse hunny!

 

If you read my post again, I'm talking about ALL relationships, not yours specifically!

 

But if he was selfish, it means he didn't have enough interest in you both - as a unit - to address the reasons for his selfishness. It means his interest wandered and was attracted to elsewhere. It means his attention wandered, because something else pulled him to it.

it was exciting, different, attractive and stimulating.

 

if that isn't a sign of his boredom, I don't know what is.

 

You can call him selfish all you like, but it takes 2 to tango. It takes two to maintain a relationship, and it takes two to keep all the plates spinning and everything balanced.

If he has to bear the BLAME for his actions, you yourself have to bear the responsibility for failing to bring to the table whatever it was that you didn't bring. And I don't know what that was, but we all do it.

This is a common thing to all relationships that stumble like this.

I've been divorced, I've had break ups and I know what cheating does to a relationship, and why.

 

Please try to see:

The relationship you felt was so perfect was anything but.

 

I'm sorry you decided to take umbrage at my post, but I think you also need to face the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, anywhere.

The only way a relationship maintains any level of unity, togetherness, harmony and serenity - is if the couple keep up the constant work required to make it so.

 

 

I'm sorry I am late on reading this thread, but I agree with many of the posts, especially this one TM! As a former cheater to a man I was "happily" married too, what I've bolded are 2 truths that my stubborn head didn't realize until later. I defended my marriage to the end. I wouldn't admit to myself that it was anything but peachy. I just shrugged when my H asked WHY? After a reality check I admitted I was bored because I didn't get the attention I used to get from my H. I felt like he didn't make me his priority although he really did, but he didn't know how to show it. Our daily lives were so predictable. I was getting bored so to speak. As someone mentioned, the electronic age boosted my chances of an A. I met xOM online. As are sooooo addictive. Where my husband dropped the ball, xOM picked it up. We make choices. I started out thinking that chatting online with someone for excitement was innocent fun. It helped me have excitement again. Because it was so addictive, I couldn't stop at just texting and e-mail. I had to go the next step and then the next. We make a series of little choices that can end up becoming a huge disaster.

[Summer Breeze]

I don't believe for one second that Broken12 believes she is perfect. I see a deeply hurting BW trying to make sense of what went wrong. For those of you who have never experienced this type of betrayal, her questions of "why" and "how" are simply part of the healing process we all go through. It's no different than grieving the loss of a loved one, but in this case it's her marriage and everything she loved and believed to be true about it.

 

I remember specifically mourning the loss of my marriage, even though we were reconciling. All the great times, the deep connection, the births of our children, the struggles we got through... all of it seemed a lie. I got past that stage, but I did it with a lot of support from those who had been there too, and with the remorse and introspection my fWH went through.

 

You'll get through this, Broken.

 

I agree she sounds as though she is struggling but she is certainly not taking into consideration that the relationship has flaws which could have left it vulnerable. What TM seems to be doing is feeding the cold hard truth, much the same as many BS do to OW on this forum. TM is not telling her anything other than her opinion and that of many others of us. She's hurting just like an OW would hurt and each needs to open their eyes to their situations.

 

I like the comment that if everything was perfect in the M then there's nothing to fix and he's going to be off and running again. Serial cheater anyone? Not saying he is but it would seem if there wasn't a reason for him to cheat then there won't be a reason for him not to again. There is no improving on perfection.

[OhGeesh]

Well, I'll throw my usual opinion in, here and see whether it makes any sense to the OP....

 

Humans are not programmed naturally, to be faithful. We are by nature, not a monogamous species.

If we were, We would be.

Very, but very few mammals are naturally monogamous, or have a propensity to stick with one single partner, for life.

 

Desire is a natural impulse.

 

But fidelity is a conscious conditioned decision we make.

Some people - when they marry - make that commitment.

But they can't step up to the plate and keep to that.

People can put all sorts of reasons forward as to why they decided to stray from a relationship, but actually - do you know what the bottom line was?

 

They had an affair because they wanted to.

They felt like it.

 

Nobody held a gun to their head.

It didn't just 'happen'.

The people having an affair made a conscious decision to have an affair.

They knew the deal. they knew they were married.

They knew they had made vows, in front of witnesses, to remain faithful.

They're not stupid, or suffering from amnesia.

They're having sex with someone other than their SO - because it's something they consciously chose to do.

Freely. Willingly and enthusiastically.

 

Now:

Some people never cheat.

But this is a conscious, deliberate decision.

they have high moral values, they consider cheating to be unthinkable, and do not want to do something of this kind, to jeopardise their relationships, marriages or reputations.

Maybe their parents cheated, and they are more than ever determined to NEVER go down that road.

Maybe their parents had a long, happy, devoted and faithful marriage, and they take that as an example.

But it's all a conditioned (socially, morally, religiously, ethically imposed, whatever) decision.

Sexual attraction is unpredictable.

Sexual desire is hard to fight.

Some people just don't want to fight it.

 

If you're with someone who might have a tendency to 'sleep around' then you simply have to decide whether this is an acceptable trait, or not.

Your own morals would seem to dictate what you think is acceptable. Because he's already exhibited his own decisions and viewpoint.

 

In my opinion.

 

I agree

 

Agree with this, broken12.

 

It starts with a little misttp of the marital boundary, something the WS feels is harmless and inconsequential....

 

But it develops into a million little steps, all taken with justifications that end up with, what she (the BS) doesn't know can't hurt her.

 

It IS addicting, and wrong, and has devastating consequences that I believe the cheater never examines until a DDAy, because they have come to fully believe they will never get caught. But most are....

 

Okay, my H had a Knight In Shining Armor affair with a real damsel in distress.

 

It is a diversion; instead of saving yourself through hard work of introspection and therapy, you get attracted to saving another.

 

There is some great literature out there about what causes the KISA Syndrome, and the personality types of the "rescuees."

 

It is all childhood related, NOT marriage related. (Let me see if I can find the title of the book.) The two of you should maybe read it together.

 

I agree

 

Affairs happen in happy marriages not because there is anything missing from the marriage but because there is something missing in the WS that not a spouse, an OW, a relationship or anyone else can fill.

 

Very much agree

 

 

Here's a thought.

 

What if that "reason" that someone cheats is something INSIDE OF THEMSELVES???

 

I think that a LOT of times the common "factor" inherent in spouses who cheat vs those that don't is an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and selfishness. There doesn't always have to be some crippling disease eating away at the marriage...other than this character flaw endemic to the spouse that cheated.

 

I don't think that this is an "all the time" thing...there are clearly many times when a marriage is in trouble and cheating occurs.

 

But I do believe that its also pretty common that the only "flaw" is that inherent selfishness and self-centeredness of the person who cheats.

 

Very much agree again

 

 

My quick .02 is you can't bundle all affairs into the realm of pre packaged reasoning. I will say I know MEN who cheat for no other reason then sex and variety. Massage parlors, escorts, whoever it's strictly for the physical regardless of how good sex is at home they always want something "strange".

 

There aren't many woman that fall into this category. Everything else has been said. There is a reason the oldest profession on the planet is stronger than ever and has a predominant male clientale!!

[karnak]

There aren't many woman that fall into this category. Everything else has been said. There is a reason the oldest profession on the planet is stronger than ever and has a predominant male clientale!!

 

You're wrong. Many woman cheat purely for sexual lust. Same as men. They just hide it better. And use a facade of "emotional need".

 

That's because, for centuries (up until the 20th century) it was thought that women had lower libido than men. And that they were lacking in terms of sexual appetite. That way society has stated that a woman can only stray from marriage if she has a true emotional connection.

 

Besides, still in the 21st century, if a man bangs some whores he's called a stud or a sexual addict. If a woman searches the services of a giggolo she's regarded as a slut, bitch or a sort of pervert.

[OhGeesh]

You're wrong. Many woman cheat purely for sexual lust. Same as men. They just hide it better. And use a facade of "emotional need".

 

That's because, for centuries (up until the 20th century) it was thought that women had lower libido than men. And that they were lacking in terms of sexual appetite. That way society has stated that a woman can only stray from marriage if she has a true emotional connection.

 

Besides, still in the 21st century, if a man bangs some whores he's called a stud or a sexual addict. If a woman searches the services of a giggolo she's regarded as a slut, bitch or a sort of pervert.

 

Yes, the ratio is what 99:1?? How many brothels are out there for men? How many for woman? How many guys do you know that cheat with no intention of leaving? How many woman do the same?

 

I agree some woman do most do not.

[GG2W]

"How many brothels for women?"

 

Actually their are quite a few. Most brothels are geared to not only service the male, but also the couple who desire a 3-some, with a second woman.

 

Women do not need brothels. If Jane Average gets the urge for a little side action, all she has to do is pin a note on the bulletin board, "Husband away for the weekend, Free Sex" and she will get multiple offers, her appearance does not matter, the offers will come.

 

Not so with Joe Average

 

Also one does not count the side action going on when the wife attends a all male revue.

[karnak]

Women do not need brothels. If Jane Average gets the urge for a little side action, all she has to do is pin a note on the bulletin board, "Husband away for the weekend, Free Sex" and she will get multiple offers, her appearance does not matter, the offers will come.

 

Not so with Joe Average

 

Also one does not count the side action going on when the wife attends a all male revue.

 

Besides it seems that, in the latest years, more and more women are joining the "find a sex-partner" social networks (like Adult Friend Finder and such), meaning that they are more and more starting to assume sexual behaviours that were once "male-only".

[Owl]

Besides it seems that, in the latest years, more and more women are joining the "find a sex-partner" social networks (like Adult Friend Finder and such), meaning that they are more and more starting to assume sexual behaviours that were once "male-only".

 

And this is a good thing, or a bad thing?

 

I don't care about the male vs. female...I think that the motivations are pretty much NOT gender specific when it comes to cheating.

[OFGnomore]

Nice post.

 

I agree with most of it...except that I knew my pre-A marriage had serious issues but I was still shocked when my H had an A. I think many other BS can agree.

 

So I guess I can't really answer the question for the OP because it simply wasn't my situation. However, if my marriage had been really good before the A, I likely wouldn't have been able to reconcile.

 

Ditto on the above and I'll add, that it depends on who you ask in the M. Usually it's the BS who thinks the marriage was good/happy. Also, there is a difference between caring about and loving someone, IMO.

 

I'm a FWS. Did I want a divorce? No. Was I happy? No. Was it a good marriage? It was a no conflict M. I think some assume that means "good" or "happy". And I agree the gist of the unhappiness or disatisfaction comes from the wanderer. And the degree it depends on the M or within the cheater is a huge, individual variable.

[karnak]

And this is a good thing, or a bad thing?

 

I don't care about the male vs. female...I think that the motivations are pretty much NOT gender specific when it comes to cheating.

 

It's neither good nor bad. It just proves that, in terms of sexual lust, men and women are very similar or the same.

[2.50 a gallon]

I was an accomplished player before I got married, so after my marriage broke up I found it easy to slide back into my player ways. But, I was a stranger in a new area, and no longer had the friends and contacts that I had in my home town.

 

I like women, I like being around them and at that time the only women that I knew were my fellow workers, and most of them were married. In my player days, yes I had connected with a married woman or two, but that was more of an accident, as I was into the single scene and for the most part tried to avoid married women.

 

Unlike many men, I find women easy to talk to and they find me easy to talk to. So it wasn't long before I was sharing my lunch with more than one woman during my lunch hour. I became their trusted male friend. And it wasn't long before you know what happened. I hardly even had to try, they just sort of swam up to me.

 

These were the unhappy ones, bored with being neglected and ignored by their husbands. Quite simply they were tired of being taking for granted by their husbands, a couple of them were on the verge of walking, while the others were sticking it out for the sake of the kids.

 

I did not have to pursue them, all I had to do was not run.

 

I repeat I did not pursue. The sad thing, was that even those who were happy, had severe cracks in their marriages. They felt the passion, romance, excitement of being alive, were missing from their lives. Add in they also felt that their husbands were taking them for granted as those in the unhappy and ready to leave group. Complaints about their husbands were: controlling, putting them down for a little weight gain, not complementing them, lack of communication, not listening, lack of emotion, etc. The truth is had I been a player who pursued married women they would have been easy marks. They ate it up when I told them that most men would still find them sexy and beautiful. Another had always wanted to take guitar lessons, her husband knew about this but had never encouraged her, which I did. As she put it, I gave her the confidence to try. I heard she later went on to have an affair with her instructor, the root of it being he gave her confidence, in not only her guitar playing but in life in general and she emotionally fell for him.

 

All of these women had been married for five or more years, most of them beyond ten years. Their sex lives were in the toilet, they were tired of eating the same peanut butter sandwich that they had been eating for all these years and wanted to try something new, other than their husbands getting his and falling asleep. For many of them the only reason they still had sex with their husband is that it was one of the few times he showed affection toward them. All it would have taken was for a player OM to come along and offer them OS and the affair would have been on.

Edited July 29, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon
missed a word

[Spark1111]

I was an accomplished player before I got married, so after my marriage broke up I found it easy to slide back into my player ways. But, I was a stranger in a new area, and no longer had the friends and contacts that I had in my home town.

 

I like women, I like being around them and at that time the only women that I knew were my fellow workers, and most of them were married. In my player days, yes I had connected with a married woman or two, but that was more of an accident, as I was into the single scene and for the most part tried to avoid married women.

 

Unlike many men, I find women easy to talk to and they find me easy to talk to. So it wasn't long before I was sharing my lunch with more than one woman during my lunch hour. I became their trusted male friend. And it wasn't long before you know what happened. I hardly even had to try, they just sort of swam up to me.

 

These were the unhappy ones, bored with being neglected and ignored by their husbands. Quite simply they were tired of being taking for granted by their husbands, a couple of them were on the verge of walking, while the others were sticking it out for the sake of the kids.

 

I did not have to pursue them, all I had to do was not run.

 

I repeat I did not pursue. The sad thing, was that even those who were happy, had severe cracks in their marriages. They felt the passion, romance, excitement of being alive, were missing from their lives. Add in they also felt that their husbands were taking them for granted as those in the unhappy and ready to leave group. Complaints about their husbands were: controlling, putting them down for a little weight gain, not complementing them, lack of communication, not listening, lack of emotion, etc. The truth is had I been a player who pursued married women they would have been easy marks. They ate it up when I told them that most men would still find them sexy and beautiful. Another had always wanted to take guitar lessons, her husband knew about this but had never encouraged her, which I did. As she put it, I gave her the confidence to try. I heard she later went on to have an affair with her instructor, the root of it being he gave her confidence, in not only her guitar playing but in life in general and she emotionally fell for him.

 

All of these women had been married for five or more years, most of them beyond ten years. Their sex lives were in the toilet, they were tired of eating the same peanut butter sandwich that they had been eating for all these years and wanted to try something new, other than their husbands getting his and falling asleep. For many of them the only reason they still had sex with their husband is that it was one of the few times he showed affection toward them. All it would have taken was for a player OM to come along and offer them OS and the affair would have been on.

 

Great post!

 

What kills a relationship? Complacency....it's good enough the way it is mentality. Why try harder to woo, date, seduce, have fun together?

 

Complacency KILLS more relationships than anything else, IMHO.