How to prevent a bad break-up from turning you into a misandrist/misogynist?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I read these forums a lot and I notice a theme in many posts, where someone has experienced a bad or traumatic break-up and turned into a misandrist or misogynist or at least begun to exhibit some of these characteristics. I've caught myself at times after the trauma with my ex having certain thoughts, opinions or reactions about men - they always emerge after a bad experience, for instance a couple of bad experiences with older men in an authorative position and my bad break-up, and just every day negative experiences from a silly cat call (that I HATE) or being surrounded on a train and demanded/threatened for my number.

 

For those that have had bad experiences with either women or men, how do you prevent these experiences from becoming ingrained perspectives, thoughts, feelings...how do you stop yourself from developing hatred?

[Pyro]

Its a fairly simple concept and I don't understand how so many can't grasp it.

 

There are MANY others out there. One bad break-up does not mean that every single man, or woman is evil.

[TaraMaiden]

One for Woggle, I think.......

[Nikki Sahagin]

Its a fairly simple concept and I don't understand how so many can't grasp it.

 

There are MANY others out there. One bad break-up does not mean that every single man, or woman is evil.

 

Of course there are many people in the world who will not treat us in the same way but I disagree that its a simple concept - giving into fear/hatred is alarmingly easy for many people, especially if they routinely come up against negative experiences.

[Pyro]

Of course there are many people in the world who will not treat us in the same way but I disagree that its a simple concept - giving into fear/hatred is alarmingly easy for many people, especially if they routinely come up against negative experiences.

 

I guess it is difficult for me to understand because being cheated on was one of my biggest fears (or so I thought) and it happened, but I was able to bounce back from it.

 

Being negative and full of hate won't do me any favors. Sounds like a headache to live like that.

[Enchanted Girl]

First, give yourself time to get over whoever hurt you. Being angry like that is the way your heart tries to protect you from being hurt again. If you are looking out for something and angry about it, it's harder for you to be vulnerable again and be hurt in the same way. Eventually the feelings will die down some and not be as bad.

 

Second, talk to people who are going to sympathize with you, but hopefully, who will also be optimistic about the future for you. Let's say you're a woman who feels like hating all men. You don't want to get into arguments with people about how all men are evil and have them disagree, especially if they are men because it will re-affirm the belief in your mind, but you also don't want to be around people who will encourage your belief and give you more examples to hate men. You need to be around people who will hug you and say,"I'm sorry you went through all that" but "There's more fish in the sea and not all men are like that."

 

Third, think about how annoying it would be to date the gender you are not attracted to. Sure, being friends with either gender is fine, but once you think about it and remember all the awful things you've witness people of your own gender (of opposite gender if you're gay) doing, you realize that everyone else is going through pretty much the same thing. That there's a bunch of crappy people in the world, but that isn't all of them.

 

There's something about being in a romantic relationship that complicates everything and although your friends seem like the most awesome people in the world, if you were to date one of them, more likely than not, they'd start driving you crazy.

 

Fourth, you need to realize that only one relationship is going to work out in your life. The one where you find true love and get married or whatever. The other ones are all going to end and most of the time when relationships end, it's in painful and emotional ways. The fact that you have this long list of heartbreak in your life means nothing more than that you just haven't found the right person yet. It's normal.

 

Fifth, it would help if you could forgive the person. Not take them back, but not wish vicious hatred and pain on them. The ideal would be to become indifferent towards them (although that would be really hard) because it means you are truly over them. Stop holding onto that pain and letting it get in the way of your relationships.

 

Pain can keep you from opening up to new people and if you let it, then that relationship truly was the end of all relationships for you with all people. You have to let yourself have the ability to be vulnerable again and you can't when you're too busy protecting yourself.

 

Sixth, go out and meet new people. It will open your eyes and show you that that one person isn't the entire world, even though you once believed that they were. You need to open yourself up to the possibilites once again.

 

Seventh, try to surround yourself with stories and people who have successful relationships. Watch how they treat one another and remind yourself through it that that kind of life is possible, you just don't have it yet.

 

Eighth, be thankful for your experiences and try to think of them positively. You learn from bad experiences and now you know better. Figure out exactly what you learned from it and what you want to take with you. Try to apply those things to your life so that you don't make the same mistakes.

 

Ninth, be thankful for the possibilities. Now you're not tied down to anyone, your whole life is ahead of you. You're not miserable anymore. No matter how attached you felt to the relationship, towards the end of it you were unhappy. Now you're free to find happiness and instead of your life being hopeless, there's actually a lot of hope and possibilities open to you now.

 

I hope that helps and makes sense.

[that girl]

I think after a really bad break up (where you actually dated for at least a few months) everyone is entitled to a few "All men/women suck" comments.

 

The problem is when you really wallow in it and let it color your view of every man/woman outside your immediate family.

 

But really I think it has a lot to do with what the person was like before. Nice people do not suddenly turn into *******s, but some *******s do drop the nice facade.

 

When women go the man hating route, they often had a poor relationship with their father. Add on top of this a few crappy dudes they chose to date and they can't see all the good men out there.

 

When men go this route, they often do have a good relationship with their moms, the issue is more entitlement. "I am a good guy so why aren't women falling all over themselves?" Nevermind the fact that the guy in question rarely tries to talk to women, isn't nice to the ones he meets or is overlooking the nice 6's who like him because he wants at least a 9.

 

Being a jerk is a choice.

 

Third, think about how annoying it would be to date the gender you are not attracted to. Sure, being friends with either gender is fine, but once you think about it and remember all the awful things you've witness people of your own gender (of opposite gender if you're gay) doing, you realize that everyone else is going through pretty much the same thing. That there's a bunch of crappy people in the world, but that isn't all of them.

This is very important.

[laRubiaBonita]

i was burned bad twice by the same guy- my first love.

 

i hated his guts at first, but i am not a hating person, so it was hard to continue to hate this person i had sooo loved. i had to spin my thinking so that i would not become some horrid hating person. i had to hope he learned things, positive things, from me- just as i had from him. be it new music, a different way to perceive, patience- or new recipes.

 

i used those strong feelings of anger i had to empower myself. i became a stronger person and i will not take crap- from anyone. i am still patient and i live by the Golden Rule- but i will not take crap and disrespect from people. obviously i pick my battles and i am more passive than aggressive, but i will just choose not to be around that person.

 

 

 

i think the key is not to hate a person or gender, but to use the knowledge you have (hopefully) gained to better yourself and to get to know you and what you want better.

[You'reasian]

I read these forums a lot and I notice a theme in many posts, where someone has experienced a bad or traumatic break-up and turned into a misandrist or misogynist or at least begun to exhibit some of these characteristics. I've caught myself at times after the trauma with my ex having certain thoughts, opinions or reactions about men - they always emerge after a bad experience, for instance a couple of bad experiences with older men in an authorative position and my bad break-up, and just every day negative experiences from a silly cat call (that I HATE) or being surrounded on a train and demanded/threatened for my number.

 

For those that have had bad experiences with either women or men, how do you prevent these experiences from becoming ingrained perspectives, thoughts, feelings...how do you stop yourself from developing hatred?

 

Hopefully you have enough experiences or some very powerful ones that are contrary to misandry/misogyny points of view.

 

Also, learn what you have to learn from the experience to make yourself a better partner in the future.

 

Having one beautiful, wonderful, reciprocating, loyal girlfriend who is a 10 as a partner pretty much makes up for alot of so-so or not so great experiences.

Edited July 11, 2010 by You'reasian

[Woggle]

Just treat every person as an individual instead of as a member of the hated gender. A person is only able to control their own actions and not the actions of every other man or woman. As much as I talk here deep down I know this is the right way to go. My beef is more with a mentality than actual women.

[bananaboat11]

I had a really bad breakup last november. It was rough. I was definitely broken at that point. I do not believe I am the same person I was prior to the relationship, but there is one thing I didn't let it do to me and that's thanks to many good people in my life. I didn't let it destroy me. Yes, LS helped a lot too. A select few here, a few of which I can recall were D-Lish, DB, Erica, USMCHokie, and GC.

 

G-d it's been so long since I've thought of nicole. Heh, I miss her more now than I miss my last psycho ex girl from 2 months ago. I'm not even hurt after that breakup. But if there is one thing I recall doing.. I think it was GC that told me to do this, too... or maybe it was Caliguy... who knows, but regardless... I remember thinking of Nicole and smiling... all the good. The warmth. Yeah, it was nice. And then.. the bad. With all the bad things... I wrote her full name on a piece of paper. I proceeded to my backyard and dug a hole approximately 1 foot deep by 6" wide. And other measurements as well. heh.

 

I put the paper inside and lit it on fire. When it was ash.. I buried it. I cried. I missed her. But it helped. I slept like a baby that night.

 

These awful, awful people we have in our lives are awful to us. Not necessarily to others. Be mindful of that. Remove the fiends from your very world and continue to thrive on what makes you flourish. That is all.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Just treat every person as an individual instead of as a member of the hated gender. A person is only able to control their own actions and not the actions of every other man or woman. As much as I talk here deep down I know this is the right way to go. My beef is more with a mentality than actual women.

 

Thanks Woggle. I understand what you're saying, i've often said I understand you because I battle these thoughts sometimes myself.

[Woggle]

Thanks Woggle. I understand what you're saying, i've often said I understand you because I battle these thoughts sometimes myself.

 

You are somebody I can respect because at least you seem to be working on your issues.

[Nikki Sahagin]

You are somebody I can respect because at least you seem to be working on your issues.

 

Thanks, that means alot:) But you're trying pretty hard yourself! We will get there!

[Crazy Magnet]

I have recognized that the world would stop turning if every man out there was like my exH. In general I am more wary of men now and it takes me a lot longer to trust anyone but I'll still put myself out there. But, there's no way every man could be as bad as my exH. I can't even fathom that.

[Woggle]

Thanks, that means alot:) But you're trying pretty hard yourself! We will get there!

 

Yes we will. Both genders need to realize that somebody of the opposite sex most likely went through the same thing themselves.