OliveOyl Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Over six months ago, I introduced my story at the LS forums here. I didn't continue posting or coming here much as I ended up making a few changes in my RL that kept me busy. Namely, I separated from my husband, moving with my son to an apartment nearby. I don't regret the separation one bit. Ironically we get along better than ever... we talk more, and there's an ease in our relationship that was lacking for some time. Despite this, I don't see us getting back together any time soon, if at all. We relate as good friends and co-parents. We care deeply for each other, but as far as relating as "man and wife"... that part just feels completely over. Neither are rushing to file divorce yet... for a handful of reasons. On the other hand, hubby recently asked me for the permission to date others, and I gave him the green light. (I never told him about the online relationship and don't plan to.) I have continued with the online relationship with the MM (perhaps this deserves a new acronym: OLDMM - Online Long Distance Married Man? ) but I have finally gotten to the point where I know it's time to make the break. Finally. Ironically I'm afraid breaking it off will be harder than physically separating from my husband. I tried once before to make the break, and it didn't "take." However, as far as I can see, there is no future with the online relationship other than it continuing exactly as it has been for the last two years... online. (There has been voice and webcam too, but as far as I'm concerned, it's still 100% online). I don't see a real relationship on the horizon with *anyone* - him, husband, really anyone... for some time. My son takes up so much time - he is really my full-time job now. But I can't stay forever in an online relationship either. While the chances of anything developing with anyone else right now are slim to none, I'd rather have a realistic slim-to-none chance than... a snowball's chance in hell... as I rate it with the OLDMM. And I rate the chance of repairing/saving my marriage as very low too... but it will have NO chance if I stay with the OLDMM... which is another reason why I know I need to end things. I think I just need to be completely single in all modes... RL, online, etc. So... I'm posting here for "support" and also to ask if anyone has gone through the process of ending an online relationship. Theoretically, it should be easier, but it seems soooo much easier to slip back into, and we both still love each other very much (unlike my marriage, which actually feels like a more natural ending). It's gonna be hard.
Owl Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 My wife had an online affair with another man. Ending that relationship is like ending pretty much any other relationship. The quickest/best is typically going to be complete "NC". No contact. Tell him it's over, make sure he hears that clearly...and then remove whatever means the two of you have to communicate. Change your email/IM/MMORPG account so that he has no means to get in touch with you (nor you him) via those modes again. Block him where you need to, change your own accounts where required. Since you've had phone contact, same thing applies there as well. It won't be easy. But it's the best way to "get him out of your life" that you can take. My only other advice to you would be to suggest that you keep in mind that "IF" you decide to go back to your H at some point (and I clearly hear that's a huge "IF")...you're going to have to come clean about what happened and led up to the split...including this relationship with the online guy. Just something to bear in mind...clearly not a priority for you right now, given that it appears that neither of you are pursuing this path.
Spark1111 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 Olive, right now it sounds like you have a whole bunch of.....nothing much. So why settle for.....nothing much? I see this over and over again: women who have "nothing much" relationships with total fence sitters that go on FOR YEARS! And as long as you are getting something from nothing much, you will never actively pursue more with someone else, someone new, someone who can have a real relationship with you. Is that what you envision as your life 5 years from now? Talking to a computer? That's why NC is the only way to end a dead-end relationship; it protects you from investing years into nothing much.
jj33 Posted July 11, 2010 Posted July 11, 2010 the reason its hard is because its virtual. Its right there at the other end of the computer. He doesntr have to answer the phone, he doesnt have to drive to see you he doesnt even have to respond right away. Its a virtual source of unconditional love on the screen even if it wont go any further. It fills the void in your life. SNAP OUT OF IT This is like having an imaginery friend when you are a child. It fills many needs but if it has gotten to a point where it is interfefing with your life it needs to go. It will sting and hurt because you are losing htat feeling that someone loves you is thrilled by you finds you sexy. So in that way it is like any other break up. I think it can be harder to end because its like being on a diet in a house of non dieters. The computer is always there. Like M&Ms in the cupboard. You know you shouldnt you know its not good for you. You need to find the will within yourself to put your well being above the "fix" of being in contact with this guy.
Author OliveOyl Posted July 12, 2010 Author Posted July 12, 2010 (edited) Well I was planning to end things with the OLDMM this week, possibly today, but, I couldn't do it. I was firmly resolved for most of the weekend... I was playing back the things I was going to say to him... reminding myself of the reasons. I'd taken a few days break and felt like I was finally ready. But then, I'm not sure why... I found myself changing my mind and losing my resolve. It was like another part of me made the decision and I watched myself changing my mind... it was "omg... I'm not going to be able to do it... I can tell." I know I'll probably get blasted here for not having firm resolve, but I also know, it will be so extremely hard, harder than I thought, apparently. He's really a bigger part of my current consciousness than I realized. Despite being online. Or maybe because of it... because being online affords much more constant interaction than physically does. Oh... and it's really not like having an imaginary friend. That I do disagree with. Yes in the beginning especially there is a lot of fantasy, and I'm not saying there's no fantasy involved now, but after two+ years of constant communication, you do get to know the person quite well. Not in the same way obviously as being physically present, but it's most certainly not "imaginary", no more than the interaction in this forum is. Edited July 12, 2010 by OliveOyl
jj33 Posted July 12, 2010 Posted July 12, 2010 I think its like having an imaginery friend because you dont have the same sort of interaction you have when you are in the same room or when you are engaged in activities together. Even being on a web cam is not the same as a real relationship. Im not saying it doesnt fulfill various needs but its very different than a relatoinship with someone who is in the same room. You fill in a lot of the story that you wouldnt do if if you saw them in person. That can make it more seductive because you think you know them (long talks for hours on end etc) but you have more opportunity to believe they are who you want them to be and they have less opportunity to screw up the fantasy.
Author OliveOyl Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Well, I did it. I ended things with the online MM last night. Now I am "single" in all realms - online, and RL (well, I am separated, not officially divorced so not sure that counts as "single.") Am curious as to whether ending the online affair will have any impact on how I feel about my STBX and whether it will change my current viewpoint that reconciliation is not likely. Will it seem more likely now? I'll see...
fooled once Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 My wife had an online affair with another man. Ending that relationship is like ending pretty much any other relationship. The quickest/best is typically going to be complete "NC". No contact. Tell him it's over, make sure he hears that clearly...and then remove whatever means the two of you have to communicate. Change your email/IM/MMORPG account so that he has no means to get in touch with you (nor you him) via those modes again. Block him where you need to, change your own accounts where required. Since you've had phone contact, same thing applies there as well. It won't be easy. But it's the best way to "get him out of your life" that you can take. My only other advice to you would be to suggest that you keep in mind that "IF" you decide to go back to your H at some point (and I clearly hear that's a huge "IF")...you're going to have to come clean about what happened and led up to the split...including this relationship with the online guy. Just something to bear in mind...clearly not a priority for you right now, given that it appears that neither of you are pursuing this path. Again, great post Owl!!! Olive, right now it sounds like you have a whole bunch of.....nothing much. So why settle for.....nothing much? I see this over and over again: women who have "nothing much" relationships with total fence sitters that go on FOR YEARS! And as long as you are getting something from nothing much, you will never actively pursue more with someone else, someone new, someone who can have a real relationship with you. Is that what you envision as your life 5 years from now? Talking to a computer? That's why NC is the only way to end a dead-end relationship; it protects you from investing years into nothing much. Another great post!! That is so far off base I don't even know where to start. Clearly you have never been involved in an online A. My A was online only for almost the first year. We both fell in love... and by the time we started the subsequent "in real life" physical affair, we were both completely emotionally involved. My love for him... before ever MEETING him in person... transcended what I have ever had with anyone. My divorce to my H of 17 years was by far easier than the ending of the A with this man. Don't attribute this to having an "imaginary childhood friend". You have no idea what you are talking about. You know, you don't have to agree with jj, but you don't have to be so condescending either. I DO agree with jj, it IS like having an imaginary friend because THEY NEVER MET. It is like having a pen pal. That is JJ's belief and mine -- you do not have to agree and that's fine. Olive, I am glad you ended it -- because you can take that time that you spent emailing or IMing with this dude and put it towards your child. I am NOT saying this to you; but I am always at how people with small kids (under 16) have so much time to be online (whether it is playing games, posting on message boards, flirting with strangers, etc) because I had NO time for that stuff when my son was small. I barely had time for a phone call. I see many people on various boards I am on who talk about all this online stuff they do and I am always curious how they have time for all that when a young child is around. I also believe online relationships don't give a person what they need - as in a real, in person relationship - where there is physical presence, touching, looking into someone's eyes (and not through a computer screen). i think you are doing the right thing concentrating on you and your son! I also think that when the time is right, you will meet someone who gives you what you need - and that they will be 'real' as in "in person" and be able to hold you, kiss you, etc. I get getting 'attached' to someone online, but I don't see how you can love someone who you have never personally laid eyes on, touched, kissed, etc. I wish you lots of luck in the future and I am happy to hear that you and your ex are good parents - together - for your son. Please do not allow the xMM to talk you into continuing this online thing. I hate hearing women say "I can't do it" or something like that when you know the right thing to do is end something. You CAN do anything you put your mind to --- because you ARE strong and YOU have a mind of your own and YOU can accomplish whatever you put your heart and mind into! Glad you decided to put YOU (and your son) first and not be engaged in something with a LD MM. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Owl Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Well, I did it. I ended things with the online MM last night. Now I am "single" in all realms - online, and RL (well, I am separated, not officially divorced so not sure that counts as "single.") Am curious as to whether ending the online affair will have any impact on how I feel about my STBX and whether it will change my current viewpoint that reconciliation is not likely. Will it seem more likely now? I'll see... In truth, you're not going to SUDDENLY gravitate back towards your husband, if that's your question. But over time, if you're not emotionally investing in another relationship, you could gradually find yourself more willing to start emotionally investing in this relationship again. One question...and this is NOT any kind of judgement...but how did you end your online relationship? What steps are being taken to prevent contact from resuming? After my wife's online relationship, I understand how addictive this can be...and trying to end it without taking that addictive quality into account would be pretty darned difficult.
Ms. Red Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 That is so far off base I don't even know where to start. Clearly you have never been involved in an online A. My A was online only for almost the first year. We both fell in love... and by the time we started the subsequent "in real life" physical affair, we were both completely emotionally involved. My love for him... before ever MEETING him in person... transcended what I have ever had with anyone. My divorce to my H of 17 years was by far easier than the ending of the A with this man. Don't attribute this to having an "imaginary childhood friend". You have no idea what you are talking about. I agree. I didn't mean to be 'condescending'. But I thought the likeness to 'imaginary friend' WAS condescending, to anyone who has been there, including the OP. It invalidates what she said was an important relationship, making it sound like it should be nothing. Is that not 'condescending' in and of itself? Yes that is condescending and very rude IMO. It is nothing like "having a pen pal". I in fact met my guy after a year and it was exactly as we knew it would be. In fact, if anything, having to be online/on the phone only for a period of time probably forces more communication than in-person would. If you have never been in this position, then please don't profess to know how it works. That was my point. I would probably have said the same as you, before having been in it. But you are wrong. I understand the OP's relationship and the connnection. It is not "imaginary". Exactly. Nothing condescending there. Just pointing out that someone who hasn't experienced it doesn't understand it.
Author OliveOyl Posted August 10, 2010 Author Posted August 10, 2010 One question...and this is NOT any kind of judgement...but how did you end your online relationship? What steps are being taken to prevent contact from resuming? After my wife's online relationship, I understand how addictive this can be...and trying to end it without taking that addictive quality into account would be pretty darned difficult. I told him very clearly it wasn't working for me anymore and why. Our relationship has taken place in what I'll call a "chat room". He is not going to come into the chat room anymore... that was 95% of the way we interacted. I have been in the chat room for about 4 years and have a few other good friends in there. I know people would suggest I leave the chat room but I am not going to do that. A bit pathetic, but it has been my ONLY social outlet for a few years and while I'm going to be working on creating other social outlets (goal: RL outlets) I'm not going to lose the other friendships too. The relationship was very addictive, but it seems in the last few months it's been losing that addictive quality for me for a few reasons... one is, I've been spending much less time in the chat room overall. But all I have to do is ask myself... do I want to be XX years old and the only "hugs" I get are virtual ones? That question alone makes it easy for me. The relationship WAS real... I have absolutely no doubt about that. But it couldn't go anywhere else outside the virtual realm.
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