Need to finish this, but how....

[pad.roc]

Hi everyone,

 

I have been with this girl for about 2 years now. Things had started to become bumpy after an year or so and have been getting worse as we spend more time together.

 

Shes very passive aggressive and blames me for everything. Shes bored and has nothing to do or is stressed about something or is just in a bad mood, she will take out the anger on me- we hardly fight or argue-she will just go quiet, not even look at me, bang doors, stomp her feet, etc etc. If I ask whats wrong, she will say nothing, I say why are you quiet, she will say "I have nothing to say, why do I always have to talk" or " I am tired" or some other lame excuse. I have tried talking to her, being all considerate, being funny and even ignoring her, but nothing appeases her. 90% of the times, when she feels better afterwards(which might be after 4 hrs or 18hrs or a while day later), she doesnt even remember why she was angry. And if I am ever angry or in a bad mood, I will get anger or moodiness in return. She will say "theres no reason to be upset, you are always moody, you never talk to me". She always wants to be the victim and I am always the bad guy, she just makes me feel bad about myself. Not once she will accept ok I was wrong or I overreacted. Neither will she ever talk about it, she willl end the topic when she proves how I did something wrong. Nowadays, she doesnt even care to tell me why she behaved like she did, she just starts acting normally when she feels like. I feel like walking around eggshells, scared of when she will get upset next and when will be the next tantrum.

 

But she has a fixed set of complaints against me- you dont care about me anymore, you arnt as romantic as u used to be, we dont do enough fun things like we used to do, you arnt attracted to me anymore, etc etc. apart from that she "jokingly" always makes comments like "if you dont treat me like a lady, I willl find someone else" or " you better make more money and buy things for me or I will find another guy" or "oh you are gonna need divorce councelling if you are the same after marriage".

 

I know it sounds bad, but shes not a total b***ch. She helps people, understands their pain, is a good daughter, has helped me out a lot, never forgets anyone's bdays, buys meaningful gifts and can be really sweet and loveable person. This is when I start feeling, hey I am overreacting, maybe this can work. But then again comes the bouts of anger/moodiness/tantrums.

 

She doesnt realize that its a two way street, her behaving like this just drives me away and I really dont feel the same way about her like I used to. She doesnt even respond to hugs and be really cold if shes in one of those moods, which just pushes me away from her more n more. I confess, I dont find her attractive anymore, I dont feel that romantic anymore, but there are reasons behind all of that.

 

I have been trying to get a job out of state, away from her. She behaves like everything is normal at times, but she should know too. I feel trapped and want to go away somewhere. I cant stand it anymore, its just those 3-4 hrs in a day when shes normal that gets me confused.

 

I just needed to vent out all my emotions and confusions. I have read a lot of articles online about girls that are very passive aggresssive, she has all the symptoms. Shes emotionally bullying me .I really dont know what to do. I cant believe its the same girl I loved. I still cant believe she can be this bad.

 

I am having a hard time leaving her and believing this is real. Please help me...I need to stay strong....I dont know how to start to end this...

[potrzebie]

Don't really know what to say cuz it sounds like you've been trying to make things better or at least keep them good...HAVE you been less romantic or whatever lately? With things like this, it's kind of hard to know which came first, your perceived lack of romance or her witchiness that drove you away. It's often a bit of both.

 

In any case, you seem so torn up about it and I wanted you to know someone's reading and hopes it turns out well for you. Maybe the best thing WOULD be to start something new and see if she still fits into your life like that. Or, maybe ask her WHY she feels you're not as attentive as you used to be...have you spoken with her from a standpoint of just trying to get information as opposed to maybe from where you're hurt by her behaviour?

[lso802]

How much time do you guys spend apart?

 

I'm like that with my family. We can have the most terrible fights and want to never see each other again, but when we get along, we really get along. One thing I know is we're all happy, if we're not dependent on each other for anything. Dependency is the downfall for us.

 

Maybe take a break or get busy? I experienced the same with my ex. Felt like she wasn't how she used to be with me. Less affectionate, less understanding, etc.... I got really busy, her friends set her up on a date, and I just felt like it wasn't right for me. I let her go.

 

Take some time off away from her to clear your head. When you're back with her, maybe you'll see things more clearly and be able to make a decision. Good luck.

[pad.roc]

Well first of all, Thanks to u guys for replying, it makes me feel good to know that someone is reading and trying to figure out how I feel.

 

Yes, maybe I do tend to get a little less attentive and romantic when she goes moody and angry on 5 days in a week. She ignores me, avoids eye contact, even pretends not to listen if I say something. She pushes me away emotionally and it takes me a while to feel as romantic and lovey-dovey towards her as I usually would. And by the time I reach that point, theres some small event that will make her mad again.

 

When its good...its soo good, we are happy, shes very cute and loveable. Which is the reason this has lasted so long. But, when she goes into one of her moods, for small reasons, she will make me feel like scum on earth and I feel suffocated and feel like running away somewhere far.

 

I tried talking to her when we resolve our fights, but she always starts blaming me for all that is wrong (you dont do this enough, you dont take me out enough...its never we dont do this anymore), shes never ready to accept that she might be doing something wrong too. She blatantly tells me nowadays," I throw tantrums when I am mad, been like that since I was young. I get angry easily cant change that"

 

Maybe we do need some time apart, see how things workout. Not sure what to do...how to tell her that her behaviour has send me so far on this road.......

[Thee_Fear]

I'm in the exact same position. My girlfriend is as sweet as can be during her best times, but then something small and dumb gets her upset and I fall into the same cycle you're in. She'll be mad for a few hours to a day while blaming everything on me and never willing to accept she's wrong/irrational. Eventually she'll be okay again and everything is fine.. until the next tantrum.

 

So I feel for you man. I try to make it work all the time, apologizing for things I have no need to apologize for and telling her sweet things to make up. I want to fix it so I stick around and try to fix it. If you don't feel up for that, maybe it's time to get away like you said.

 

I know that if my girlfriend doesn't realize her problem soon, I might go as well.

[pad.roc]

I'm in the exact same position. My girlfriend is as sweet as can be during her best times, but then something small and dumb gets her upset and I fall into the same cycle you're in. She'll be mad for a few hours to a day while blaming everything on me and never willing to accept she's wrong/irrational. Eventually she'll be okay again and everything is fine.. until the next tantrum.

 

So I feel for you man. I try to make it work all the time, apologizing for things I have no need to apologize for and telling her sweet things to make up. I want to fix it so I stick around and try to fix it. If you don't feel up for that, maybe it's time to get away like you said.

 

I know that if my girlfriend doesn't realize her problem soon, I might go as well.

 

I dont understand why they do that! Why cant they talk about it, discuss whats bothering them, once in a while accept that there was no need to be mad, no need to make it a big issue. Even statistically one person cant be wrong 100% of the time.

I have been apologizing and cheering her up a long time, I am just tired of doing that, cant imagine doing that my whole life, doesnt seem to be an end to it.

 

Well good luck to you too man...

Edited July 12, 2010 by pad.roc
missed something

[Thee_Fear]

Why they do that I don't know. I've been trying to explain my current situation but she just won't listen. She just assumes something completely wrong and will not believe a word I say.

 

Sigh.

 

To me, it's more disappointing and painful to know we're in an argument over nothing at all rather than feeling mad. But I do understand why you would feel that way.

 

Not to mention, sometimes when she does something I don't appreciate, I'll get upset and she'll get mad at me for me being upset with her. Tell me how that works?

[summerl0vesyou]

hey there. do you still love her?

It seems like she needs to hear that you are considering ending it, and have a chance to fix it. to me, breaking up in the way you are, is just like suicide- most people dont want to die, they just dont want to hurt anymore.

Do you actually want to be apart from her, or do you want things to change?

consider relationship counseling. talk to her about this. if she will not listen and you give it an honest shot, showing her affection (maybe look at the lovedare.. it has worked for people that I know) GIVE HER what it is that you want her to give you- see what happens. if it doesnt work, THEN id consider asking for time apart. unless you dont want to be with her, then go

[pad.roc]

 

Not to mention, sometimes when she does something I don't appreciate, I'll get upset and she'll get mad at me for me being upset with her. Tell me how that works?

 

Yep, same story here. If I get upset about something she does/says that wasnt right, instead of she feeling sorry or trying to cheer me up, she will get mad herself. And I always have to deal with my anger/disappointment/moodiness on my own and I am the one apologizing again.

 

@Summerl0vesyou- I have tried being very very romantic, considerate, cheerful around her, even if shes upset. I try to joke, do things for her, offer her help with chores to help her get out of the bad mood. But she just doesnt respond, until she feels that shes been upset long enough/I have suffered long enough, she wont budge at all.

 

I love her, but I am tired of giving all the time. I wish she would be a little more understanding and I dont have to stay scared of when the next wave of cold war will be.

But, yes you are right.. I need to talk to her and tell her that her behavior has pushed me far away to consider breaking up.

[pad.roc]

Well, we had another fight today. It started when she was cooking dinner and said something, I was busy reading an article on the internet and didnt respond. So she snapped saying " I said something!!" I replied, " I know I heard it, I was just thinking why XYZ thing happens" ( I was listening to her, just didnt reply)

 

She gets really upset, stops talking to me, banging doors, acting rude. As usual, I tried to make conversation, but it didnt work. 15 minutes later she kept poking me and trying to get me mad. Finally I snapped and said "why do you have to keep getting mad for such small things, just because I didnt respond to what u said, u will spend the next 18 hrs mad about it?"

She replied by telling me "Thats not why I got mad at you, do you think I am crazy for getting angry about such small things". She kept denying her reason for getting mad. I said fine, stay upset.

 

Then came the drama "you dont care anymore, I dont know why YOU decided that we should be together for the long term, if you dont care for me". I was shocked, she said "YOU DECIDED TO BE TOGETHER" . She even put that on me, made a blame game out of such an important decision of life.

 

I am really really done with this girl...I am going to find a new place and just move out. Shes just not worth it. She will make me responsible for all the failures ever in her life and I cant take it. I am done with her

[Mandikins]

Wow I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this... I understand you completely because I was you almost two years ago. My ex and I were never married but we do have a beautiful daughter together, and lived together for 4 years. He never paid any attention to neither of us and always blamed me for everything from the pipe breaking to over salting his fries. Whenever I would try talking to him about how he made me feel he only made me feel like I was stupid and crazy for feeling anything negative... whenever I got mad at him he would get mad at me and I would have to be the one to make things up. We would go weeks before we were back to normal. He actually broke up with me because I was folding the laundry and watching one of my favorite movies (again), but apparently there were a lot of other things bothering him which I thought we had worked out from before... I know that I'm not perfect but I did everything to try making our relationship work, and I’m happy that I can at least say that. After that incident I didn't look back.

 

Your happiness is important. Like my mother told me, you're better off alone rather than being in "bad company" (no offense intended). Life is too short to be fighting all the time over dumb little things. There comes a point where enough is enough and you need to look out for you...you'll hurt for a while, but eventually one day you'll wake up and you'll notice that you're feeling better, relieved even. You both deserve to be happy, and if you guys can't make it happen together then it's time to let go.

 

My heart goes out to you...good luck...