3 Stages of a Long Term Relationship

[Woggle]

I agree. In fact, I'll go further and say that teen dating is all about practicing the breakup when Stage 2 is reached. By the time these guys get M'd, they have breaking up down to a "T"...

 

The majority of marriages never make it past stage 2 either.

[Spark1111]

Hidden inside appreciation is respect, respect for the other's strengths rather than denigration of their weaknesses.

 

One aspect of sexual problems within a relationship, is control. Control too much and sexual problems WILL manifest. Don't believe me? Take a look at the "wife or husband won't have sex with me" and you'll find controlling personality types.

 

Appreciation and respect are huge at any stage.

 

But I think, stage two is where you discover who has control issues and about what; will they negotiate or fight to the bitter end to get their way; I think stage two is where all your childhood issues, if still unresolved, come to the forefront.

[threebyfate]

I can understand that! My W is pretty intellectual, too...

It feels confining and oppressive since my world has shrunk. It does not feel like enough.

 

But don't get me wrong. I'm no intellectual. Just someone who NEEDS intellectual challenge. It's a different side of the brain where different individuals lean different ways. Neither is right or wrong. It just...is.

[threebyfate]

Appreciation and respect are huge at any stage.

Sure they are but where they're evident in Stage 1, Stage 2 and 3 is where they die or live on. Maintain them in Stage 2 and they will continue through to Stage 3.

 

But I think, stage two is where you discover who has control issues and about what; will they negotiate or fight to the bitter end to get their way; I think stage two is where all your childhood issues, if still unresolved, come to the forefront.

Agreed. Good insight. I'll add that most people never know or bother to resolve childhood issues which is why most relationships and 50% of marriages dissolve.

[Spark1111]

Sure they are but where they're evident in Stage 1, Stage 2 and 3 is where they die or live on. Maintain them in Stage 2 and they will continue through to Stage 3.

 

Agreed. Good insight. I'll add that most people never know or bother to resolve childhood issues which is why most relationships and 50% of marriages dissolve.

 

I so agree. And I too love to work. When I was a SAHM, I and the kids were involved in so much for both intellectual stimulation and socialization, for both me and them!

 

But my family has always been my main priority, my first love. Hell, I like the job, but I LOVE my family.

 

For some people though, without the outside validation, they do not feel special. For some people, being a spouse and parent is not enough, never enough....and I am not talking money here. I'm talking internally.

 

And those people should examine that need, IMHO.

[threebyfate]

I so agree. And I too love to work. When I was a SAHM, I and the kids were involved in so much for both intellectual stimulation and socialization, for both me and them!

 

But my family has always been my main priority, my first love. Hell, I like the job, but I LOVE my family.

 

For some people though, without the outside validation, they do not feel special. For some people, being a spouse and parent is not enough, never enough....and I am not talking money here. I'm talking internally.

 

And those people should examine that need, IMHO.

You're positioning this in what I perceive as an inaccurate light.

 

Take a look at Jungian theory. There are thinkers and feelers, where there are extremes of such and where most people fall in the middle. This doesn't mean that thinkers can't feel or feelers can't think. It's how they process information and how they also handle it. It's not about external validation. It's about what drives them as individuals.

 

My personal take on this is that feelers make happier SAHMs since they're satisfied with a feeling world.

[elizabeth26]

I would say this sounds correct. Do you think it's possible for partners to be in different stages and not realize they are?

 

My boyfriend of 7+ years left me because he hadn't felt "in love" for a year. There are other snags, no cheating (that I know of) but e few serious discussions and he may have lied on several occassions. He got very strange when he broke up with me. He called me to see if I was doing ok, he told me I was his best friend and if he knew how to fix things he would. Then after two weeks I found out he was dating a good friend of our's little sister, who was always a little more bubbly than usual around him. Does this follow the 3 stages?

[Spark1111]

You're positioning this in what I perceive as an inaccurate light.

 

Take a look at Jungian theory. There are thinkers and feelers, where there are extremes of such and where most people fall in the middle. This doesn't mean that thinkers can't feel or feelers can't think. It's how they process information and how they also handle it. It's not about external validation. It's about what drives them as individuals.

 

My personal take on this is that feelers make happier SAHMs since they're satisfied with a feeling world.

 

Oh, no. I think we are in agreement.

 

Maybe, I am not making myself clear. Some people are not driven, but obsessed with their career to the detriment of others. Or obsessed with attaining money, or status, or things, or attention, not from those who love or respect them for who they are, but rather who they appear to be.

 

That can be a danger sign in a relationship; when external validation is more important than internal validation. No one's love will ever be enough to fill that void.

 

Just making a point about balance in a partner. And the red flags that should arrive if there is an imbalance.

[Spark1111]

I would say this sounds correct. Do you think it's possible for partners to be in different stages and not realize they are?

 

My boyfriend of 7+ years left me because he hadn't felt "in love" for a year. There are other snags, no cheating (that I know of) but e few serious discussions and he may have lied on several occassions. He got very strange when he broke up with me. He called me to see if I was doing ok, he told me I was his best friend and if he knew how to fix things he would. Then after two weeks I found out he was dating a good friend of our's little sister, who was always a little more bubbly than usual around him. Does this follow the 3 stages?

 

I may be wrong, but I think he was just ending stage one. If there were few arguments and power struggles, it almost does not seem you had both entered stage two.

 

To have found a bubbly new girl two weeks later....well, that sounds fairly adolescent to me. Unless he was at stage two and never truly communicated it to you.

 

And if he didn't communicate the depth of his concerns, I personally believe you are better off without him.

[threebyfate]

Oh, no. I think we are in agreement.

 

Maybe, I am not making myself clear. Some people are not driven, but obsessed with their career to the detriment of others. Or obsessed with attaining money, or status, or things, or attention, not from those who love or respect them for who they are, but rather who they appear to be.

 

That can be a danger sign in a relationship; when external validation is more important than internal validation. No one's love will ever be enough to fill that void.

 

Just making a point about balance in a partner. And the red flags that should arrive if there is an imbalance.

To turn this around, there are also individuals who obsess about their children, standings within their communities, romance, sex, marriages and/or home beautiful.

 

Net result, obsessive behaviour is bad whether you're a thinker or feeler.

[sruben]

I would say this sounds correct. Do you think it's possible for partners to be in different stages and not realize they are?

 

My boyfriend of 7+ years left me because he hadn't felt "in love" for a year. There are other snags, no cheating (that I know of) but e few serious discussions and he may have lied on several occassions. He got very strange when he broke up with me. He called me to see if I was doing ok, he told me I was his best friend and if he knew how to fix things he would. Then after two weeks I found out he was dating a good friend of our's little sister, who was always a little more bubbly than usual around him. Does this follow the 3 stages?

 

Um, hate to say it, but it looks to me like he was cheating with Ms. Bubbly:

 

1) ILYBNILWY

2) "May have lied on several occasions"

3) Got very strange

4) Admitted something was wrong, but wouldn't tell you what

5) Dating someone "after two weeks" who had been in the picture for some time already.

 

And I don't think either of you got through stage 2. Just MHO...

[sruben]

Oh, no. I think we are in agreement.

 

Maybe, I am not making myself clear. Some people are not driven, but obsessed with their career to the detriment of others. Or obsessed with attaining money, or status, or things, or attention, not from those who love or respect them for who they are, but rather who they appear to be.

 

That can be a danger sign in a relationship; when external validation is more important than internal validation. No one's love will ever be enough to fill that void.

 

Just making a point about balance in a partner. And the red flags that should arrive if there is an imbalance.

 

Hmmm, I think my W qualifies as someone who needs external validation more than internal (her internal voice seems to tell her that she's not good enough, always at fault, is "stupid", etc). Definitely more concerned about appearances than reality (VERY important that we seem to be a happy couple, even when she knows we're not).

[OWoman]

I have been reading on the three stages of any long term relationship and wanted to share:

 

1.) Limerance or Infatuation: Very chemically induced hormonal rush of attraction, also known as the honeymoon phase: He's perfect, I'm perfect when with him; we're perfect together. Can't wait to see him, touch him, tell him everything about everything and he wants to do the same with me.

 

2) Disillusionment: He's not perfect, and he no longer thinks I am either; we argue now and bicker over petty differences; bill-paying, laundry, division of duties, kids. This is also the time of increased responsibilities; nurturing and providing for a family and much less couple time. Negotiating or relinquishing power and control comes into play now, as does less sex and less attention as resources are directed towards the clan (kids).

 

3.) Mature reality-based love; sometimes he can irk me, but I love him anyway. I accept him for who he is, and he accepts me as I am. We no longer feel compelled to prove ourselves "right over each other," or to change each other. We have greater understanding and better communication. We negotiate our differences without resentment. Argue less, if at all. More time, more fun, more nurturing of the relationship on a daily basis. We are again, best friends and feel deeply cherished.

 

 

I don't believe this is universal. I've never had a stage 1 in any R. My entry point into any R is stage 2 - which I then usually can't be arsed to waste any more time on, so I dump him; with my H there was minimal stage 2, but solid stage 3.

[datura_noir]

SEPTEMBER 26, 2008

On Marriage & Committed Relationships M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author of the “The Road Less Traveled,” writes that the “in love” experience should not be called love. He states that the “in love” experience is a temporary emotional high. Brain research suggests that the neurological chemical changes of feeling “in love” lasts for 6 – 8 months.

 

In my experience, the real work of love begins somewhere after the first six months to a year. Love born out of work and commitment has an emotional component and on good days can feel like an altered state of consciousness. Scott states that love unites reason and emotions. It involves an act of will, requires discipline, and recognizes the need for personal growth.

 

A Rabbi and I were discussing relationships. I asked him how long he had been married. He remarked, “Greg, I have been married and divorced and remarried at least 20 times!” And with a knowing smile, paused and stated, “…all to the same woman.” He still remains married after 35 years.

 

He reminds us that a loving marriage involves moments of flow/work, ecstasy/effort, bliss/consternation.

Regardless of our maturity, each one of us still contains a small part that thinks a loving marriage should just flow and be driven by synchronicity 24/7. Most of us possess a wounded part that seeks to find a partner who will be our primary healer. But wisdom and maturity teaches us that we are our primary caretakers.

 

“Love Fusion” is when couples expect to effortlessly merge into a blissful state of need fulfillment during every waking moment. Most of you have felt the impact of bumping into disappointment and reality. At some point a partner will trigger old wounds and become the source of pain instead of pleasure. How a couple navigates through this new phase of “storming” will determine the depth of their intimacy.

 

Love fusion is merely foreplay. It is not the real deal of intimate relationships. But it is a wonderful high and quite intoxicating! Healthy marriages involve times of conflict, struggle, reason and choice. We each desire to be loved by someone who chooses us, helps us to feel visible in the world and sees something worth loving in the midst of our flaws and blemishes. This kind of love requires the energy of emotion, effort and discipline. Committed partnerships are crucibles that heat up and bring our “issues” to the surface. They are as Sex Therapist and author David Snarch likes to state, “…people growing machines.”

 

Long term-committed relationships can have deep passion. Learning to walk along side each other without blame and confronting our fears is not a path for the faint of heart or for those who lack staying power. But the payoffs and rewards are high. When couples come to me for counseling. They often arrive being experts at what is wrong with the other person. Rarely, are they as adept at understanding their own part in getting stuck. I start with the assumption that no one is to blame and everyone is responsible for the health of their relationship. My goal is to help couples find a road map that can lead to growth, health and intimacy.

 

 

*****************************

 

From a marriage/family therapist's blog, really good reading.

[Spark1111]

Datura, great post!

 

And I think it speaks of the wisdom and tremendous effort it takes to do a long term relationship, well, really well.

 

I believe so many grow complacent, go on automatic pilot, do not make the effort to keep it vital and sustained and nurtured.

 

I know I did. I think we all do at times.

 

And I remain truly amazed at how many wake up one day, without learning of the effort it takes to SUSTAIN, and grow dissatisfied and say, maybe the grass is greener elsewhere, or of course I love him, I'm just not in love with him, and begin seeking it elsewhere.

 

It's sort of like wanting the cute, adorable smiling chubby baby to adore you, without going through the hardship ofpregnancy, labor and delivery.

 

That's ludicrous! Yet, we often perceive our long-term raltionships with less wisdom and higher expectations.

[elizabeth26]

I may be wrong, but I think he was just ending stage one. If there were few arguments and power struggles, it almost does not seem you had both entered stage two.

 

To have found a bubbly new girl two weeks later....well, that sounds fairly adolescent to me. Unless he was at stage two and never truly communicated it to you.

 

And if he didn't communicate the depth of his concerns, I personally believe you are better off without him.

 

There were Arguments and power struggles, I did not think they were too severe. Aside from him telling me that he did not think he wanted to stay with me if I finished school, because it was far away. I am better off, I just do not evvvveeer want to have this mistake happen to me again. And Yes, I do think he was cheating on me. He feels so guilty right now that he makes me want to vomit. And he is now trying to throw money at me to "help me out" since he dumped my life upside down.

[seren]

I am going to go for a dabble in all stages. At times, sometimes for months we are in stage 1, all tingly, toe curling feelings where I feel like it was at the beginning, all 26 years ago. Other times stage 2 when we can annoy the hell out of each other for days and I think that I could gladly just walk. Then when all has calmed down, onto stage 3, contentment, hand holding, comfy love.

I think stage 3 was too comfy, we lived that for years and I so, so longed for stage 1 a bit more. So, I shall be a stage traveller, hope for more stage 1's, but content for stage 3 to be around too.

 

To be quite trivial about it, stage 1 is like a pair of stilletoes, looks great, makes you feel good, but hell to walk in for too long. Stage 2 are sling backs, comfy, but needs work to keep them on properly. Stage 3, ahh, slippers, comfy, familiar and easy to wear. BUT, we all need stilletoes now and again.

 

Sorry folks, blame the menopause. Now back to normal intellectual discussion.

[Owl]

If you wanna go with a shoe analogy...

 

Stage 1. You see these seriously AWESOME shoes you just HAVE TO have, or you will DIE. They're perfect. The right color, the exact shape you wanted. No big deal that the heel is a little higher than you like, and the toes are a little more narrow than you'd normally go for...these things are PERFECT!

 

Stage 2. Damn my feet hurt. Yeah, they look great, but between the high heel and the tight toes, I can't hardly walk in the darned things. What was I thinking? Sure, they look great, but did I spend too much money on them?

 

Stage 3. Ahhh...finally broken in. I don't mind the high heel or narrow toes now...the shoes have stretched out so they fit my feet like a glove. Maybe they're not quite as gorgeous as I thought they were at first...but they go with most of what I wear, and fit like a glove. If I'm smart, I'll spot when the holes first start coming in and take them to the repair shop so they'll last forever!

 

 

Whaddya think? Not too bad coming from a guy?

[lso802]

That's how I am with jeans!

[threebyfate]

The shoe analogies are funny!

 

seren, are those two labs in your avatar? The chocolate brown one looks a bit more delicate, possibly a cross or young lab? Either way, they're both healthy and gorgeous dogs!

[xxoo]

I am going to go for a dabble in all stages. At times, sometimes for months we are in stage 1, all tingly, toe curling feelings where I feel like it was at the beginning, all 26 years ago. Other times stage 2 when we can annoy the hell out of each other for days and I think that I could gladly just walk. Then when all has calmed down, onto stage 3, contentment, hand holding, comfy love.

I think stage 3 was too comfy, we lived that for years and I so, so longed for stage 1 a bit more. So, I shall be a stage traveller, hope for more stage 1's, but content for stage 3 to be around too.

 

I seem to get a day or three of stage 1 each time I ovulate

And maybe just a touch of stage 2 each time I have pms

 

The rest of the month is comfy stage 3. It'll be interesting to see what menopause brings in a decade or so!

[seren]

The shoe analogies are funny!

 

seren, are those two labs in your avatar? The chocolate brown one looks a bit more delicate, possibly a cross or young lab? Either way, they're both healthy and gorgeous dogs!

 

Yep! Labs are mine. Big black boy called Ollie, 3 years old, lovely, lovely temperament. Chocolate is Maggie, 8 months, very, very naughty, very dominant am trying to put her into her place in the pecking order (nicely) as Ollie seems to have missed the dominant gene. Love them so so much.

 

Owl, Yes!! you get the shoe analogy. I try telling H some of this, usually use engine analogy (worked in mental health for years, analogies always worked best) all he gets with shoes are that I have too many and the shoe cupboard is messy - hmm, sort of like early D Day. I shall dig out my old, but comfy stilletoes today and thank God I didn't throw them out, will dust them off and reheal (sic). In other words, will ensure H has lots of TLC as he has had a crap few days and I have been Godzilla, this to ensure we don't flip flop back into stage 2. Marvelous.

 

Now the cake analogy .... I want to be a french fancy, but am more an eccles cake ....

[Spark1111]

If you wanna go with a shoe analogy...

 

Stage 1. You see these seriously AWESOME shoes you just HAVE TO have, or you will DIE. They're perfect. The right color, the exact shape you wanted. No big deal that the heel is a little higher than you like, and the toes are a little more narrow than you'd normally go for...these things are PERFECT!

 

Stage 2. Damn my feet hurt. Yeah, they look great, but between the high heel and the tight toes, I can't hardly walk in the darned things. What was I thinking? Sure, they look great, but did I spend too much money on them?

 

Stage 3. Ahhh...finally broken in. I don't mind the high heel or narrow toes now...the shoes have stretched out so they fit my feet like a glove. Maybe they're not quite as gorgeous as I thought they were at first...but they go with most of what I wear, and fit like a glove. If I'm smart, I'll spot when the holes first start coming in and take them to the repair shop so they'll last forever!

 

 

Whaddya think? Not too bad coming from a guy?

 

Love it! Love it! Love it!

[Spark1111]

Yep! Labs are mine. Big black boy called Ollie, 3 years old, lovely, lovely temperament. Chocolate is Maggie, 8 months, very, very naughty, very dominant am trying to put her into her place in the pecking order (nicely) as Ollie seems to have missed the dominant gene. Love them so so much.

 

Owl, Yes!! you get the shoe analogy. I try telling H some of this, usually use engine analogy (worked in mental health for years, analogies always worked best) all he gets with shoes are that I have too many and the shoe cupboard is messy - hmm, sort of like early D Day. I shall dig out my old, but comfy stilletoes today and thank God I didn't throw them out, will dust them off and reheal (sic). In other words, will ensure H has lots of TLC as he has had a crap few days and I have been Godzilla, this to ensure we don't flip flop back into stage 2. Marvelous.

 

Now the cake analogy .... I want to be a french fancy, but am more an eccles cake ....

 

Maggie is an Alpha female and that will be hard to re-train out of her.....

 

like me:rolleyes:....if you were to ask my husband!

[spriggig]

Each of us deeply appreciates the other being part of the family, being a coparent, being a partner. Sure, there are little things about each of us that the other dislikes, but those things are *tiny* compared to the HUGE qualities that we appreciate in each other. We are just deeply grateful for each day we share with each other, and with our kids

 

How do you show each other this appreciation? Did you have to learn how to show him your appreciation in a way that he understood? And he, you?