amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 So I am so mad. You know they say woman's instincts go along way or least we woman get that! Men often trite this notion...none the less I feel I am being duped and should listened to my instincts??? I began dating a guy about 3 months ago. We have seen each other a ton. However, with the exception of our first date being a private party of 2 at his restaurant. We have not been out together in public very often beyond our first date. We had a few "let's have some drinks at your place, I'll come over." The next was "baby come over and let's cuddle and watch movies". so on and so forth. At first all the encounters we had were wonderful and we had a great time together. However, as our relationship progresses and I ask him to meet up with some friends. He says "you bet". One thing or another he doesn't come. He calls many times saying one thing or another though never shows. This happened on 3 occasions. My friends were beginning to think I was making this guy up in my head. Embarrassing to say the least. Then it gets interesting! He comes and meets all my friends at a get together we were having. The difference is it is at someone's house and not a restaurant, bar or public place. He is a hit, my friends love him and thinks he is great. Next comes meeting my family which is large and something I leave to only the men I feel are special to me and vice versa. This can often be intense as both of my brothers are very protective of me. However, off without a hitch. He has my brothers laughing their asses off, my sisters hugging etc. A great time. We continue about 5 more family visits. (I am very close to my fam) All of this great right?! So what is the problem? Well here are a few. I ask him to go for walks with me at the park with my dog, "no honey, you go ahead". I ask him to go the movies. "Let's stay in and watch one at your place." Even when we are the gas station or market or anything like that. He walks 10 paces ahead of me. Never like we are together. One time I was called into to work on an emergency. I was suffering from a very bad headache and took a muscle relaxer and couldn't drive. I know of all times to have and emergency. However, he offers to drive me and then disappears. Did not want anyone to see him. There were news crews all around so I can understand how that may feel though really?! I had to walk a block from my office just to flippin find him when all was said and done. On many other occasions in the last few weeks he has gone out. A CWS game, wine tasting etc. All things we discussed doing together. Finally, last nite. He text me this: "Hi honey! How are you? How was your day? I miss you! I am at a concert so I can't talk right now. Will call you in a bit when it is quieter." Mind you no mention of this (as with all other times he has plans of this nature. He doesn't say anything until he is the middle of it). I asked him what concert? He was at the same concert that not less the 2 days earlier we discussed going to and of course he skated the issue and said he may have to work late. "We will see Honey". I am so mad! Not about the damn baseball game, wine tasting or concert. I fear he does not want to be in public with me! How in the world can we have the relationship we have shared and he meets all my fam and friends without any problem but not want to be in public with me. I could handle it if I were some nasty ugly chick.. but I am not. Very attractive and never have any doubt of his attraction to me emotionally, physically or otherwise? What the heck is his deal!?????? I am so confused and MAD! What do I do!? I should say that he has called and texted several times since last nite. I have not responded. I just don't want this to continue and need to figure out what the heck is going on. I have asked him about this before and of course he makes it seem like it is my misunderstand. Hence the passive jerk playing nice guy tag line! What to do!? I know what to do actually but before I do it I want some objective and unbiased perspective.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 It doesn't sound like he's embarrassed of you. If it were so, he wouldn't bother to meet your friends and family. I admit, his behaviour is a bit odd and inconsiderate towards you, but you can't respond in kind if you really want to make things work. Talk to him about his behaviour and address your problems with him.
Gero Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I hate to bring this up, but one possibility might be that he is seeing someone else on the side and doesn't want to get caught. Other than that, I can't see any other reason that someone would do this unless they just enjoyed playing games or were messed up in the head somehow.
Author amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 No he is not seeing someone else. I am confident of that! There are no signs of that what so ever. He could be really good at hiding it. Though we spend 75% of our free time together. The other woman or double life he is leading would be very neglected. No denial. His behavior is very odd! I don't get it. Like I said too, I have talked to him very directly and he always turns it around and plays dumb. As if I freakin buy it! He was married and has a couple of kids whom I have met. So it isn't that! So talking doesn't work. I am otherwise very happy with him however, there is no way I will ever be okay with this behavior from him. So I guess I get out?!
sloudrou Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Sounds like he's leading a double life... Yep. He doesn't want someone to know he's seeing you. You basically have a choice to either continue what you have now without anything further developing or simply dump him completely and move on.
SilentVoice Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else. You guys seem to always be at your place .
Author amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 Anything is possible. However, if I was the one meeting ex-wife and kids..wouldn't the other be the one hidden? We visit each other at both houses. My house is just closer to his office. It is a public thing. I guess he is just a wierdo of some sort? I thought of asking his ex-wife but feel that is sick and wrong. He does have a problem with PDA of any kind. Hand holding etc perhaps this stems from that? Walking next to someone at the market might be a new and coming PDA thing? Flip if I know! I am so confused by him. Doesn't make a lick of sense! But rest assured this chica is not up for the BS of this?
2sunny Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 he's married. have you been to his place? have you done an extensive background check on him? you may be surprised to see it show he owns property with someone else... or a marriage license, or criminal activities. either way, his behavior is suspect and shady to the point where i wouldn't go anywhere with him if he didn't intend to even walk next to me - holding my hand. there's a firm way to find out - pay $50.00 and find out online... gives you the extensive info including criminal history in 5 minutes time. i always do this with someone i date. you would not believe what i've found out about guys that seemingly were amazing in what they presented - as opposed to the lies of their life that were revealed in a simple report.
2sunny Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 what does his place look like? have you looked around the bathroom - closets? any sign that someone else is there besides him? some folks find evidence they need by looking through their trash... yikes!
Author amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 LOL! That is funny! But really I have met his ex-wife and kids. They live in another state! We attended his family reunion. Really he is not married or leading a double life! No evidence of such! I wish it were! That would flippin be tangible. This unknowing crap is for the birds!!! So now that I am fairly certain that I want out despite how I do care for him and think that other than this very wierd thing of his we have a great relationship. I am not wanting to bother telling him. I just want to fall off the face of the earth to him. I know that seems immature but really. I will just get all his honey's and baby's and blablabla's. I don't want to deal with it. I am not saying I am weak in the least but really I have gone down the road of examples as I clearly listed on my thread and he turns them all around. You know what I mean. Just don't want to deal! I think he will get the clue. If he doesn't than I will text him.
2sunny Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 LOL! That is funny! But really I have met his ex-wife and kids. They live in another state! We attended his family reunion. Really he is not married or leading a double life! No evidence of such! I wish it were! That would flippin be tangible. This unknowing crap is for the birds!!! So now that I am fairly certain that I want out despite how I do care for him and think that other than this very wierd thing of his we have a great relationship. I am not wanting to bother telling him. I just want to fall off the face of the earth to him. I know that seems immature but really. I will just get all his honey's and baby's and blablabla's. I don't want to deal with it. I am not saying I am weak in the least but really I have gone down the road of examples as I clearly listed on my thread and he turns them all around. You know what I mean. Just don't want to deal! I think he will get the clue. If he doesn't than I will text him. then do just that. considering that he doesn't make enough effort to allow you to feel that you are his biggest priority - you really don't owe him much of an explanation... especially since you said he will just sweet talk you with words in order to manipulate you into staying in the same position for HIS benefit - and not changing to adjust to YOUR benefit and comfort zone. any man who is unwilling to be seen in public with another woman has SOMETHING he's hiding... since he's not willing to allow you the luxury of understanding what his issue is - no need to bother dragging this out.
Author amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 Agreed! Would love to hear what men have to contribute to this! Any male care to share their perspective?
Author amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 Thank you 2sunny for all your words! I appreciate it!
Gero Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Agreed! Would love to hear what men have to contribute to this! Any male care to share their perspective? I already told you what I thought. I don't know what to tell you what to do about it though. If it were me, I would tell the other person about the problem and then if they didn't change then I would just break it off. I don't like the idea of just ignoring someone to hopefully get what I want. I'm just saying that's what I would do in this situation. You know what's best for you.
2sunny Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 I already told you what I thought. I don't know what to tell you what to do about it though. If it were me, I would tell the other person about the problem and then if they didn't change then I would just break it off. I don't like the idea of just ignoring someone to hopefully get what I want. I'm just saying that's what I would do in this situation. You know what's best for you. i didn't see her actions in that regard. i see her ignoring him because he's NOT what she wants = no reason to make an effort to correspond when she's done with him. did i miss something?
Author amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 Thank you Gero! I wouldn't be not playing a game and not talking to him to get what I want though. I just don't want to continue to hear the same crap he has been trying to feed me and I am certain he will! His behavior is just very weird. Thanks to everyone for your words of support and perspective.. I appreciate it!
Gero Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 i didn't see her actions in that regard. i see her ignoring him because he's NOT what she wants = no reason to make an effort to correspond when she's done with him. did i miss something? Just personal preference. I like to tell someone that I am done with them if I am. That's just how I am. Even if I have to leave a message for them, I let them know. I just prefer it that way. Then also they know for sure that you are serious and not just ignoring them to play games or whatever.
Gero Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Thank you Gero! I wouldn't be not playing a game and not talking to him to get what I want though. I just don't want to continue to hear the same crap he has been trying to feed me and I am certain he will! His behavior is just very weird. Thanks to everyone for your words of support and perspective.. I appreciate it! You're right. I'm just saying from my point of view I would say that and say that I am not going to listen to the crap and hang up if I had to. I just prefer being direct with someone. It's just how I am I guess. That's just me.
Author amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 Good point and I am on the fence about it. I said previously that I will text him. Which I still don't like but really I just don't want to hear the sweet talk etc. Thanks
Gero Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 Good point and I am on the fence about it. I said previously that I will text him. Which I still don't like but really I just don't want to hear the sweet talk etc. Thanks Good to hear. Whatever you're comfortable with.
2sunny Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 a-c i think you have a healthy, solid boundary. stick to it.
Author amazed&confused Posted July 4, 2010 Author Posted July 4, 2010 So I did end things with this man. I was actually surprised and by that let down by it. I really thought or my delusion of what I thought we had told me that on some level he would share with me what was going on. He did but I wasn't prepared for it. He initially did the same song and dance and tried turning it back on me with in his play dumb game. However, I pressed. The phone fell silent and then he says. Your right I have a phobia of being in public places with any woman not just you. When I was a child my mother would never go in public with my face showing. He went on to share further details all seeming out of this world. Probably just another part of his lame and now ridiculous excuses. I told him that I was sorry he has to go thorough life with this. But I wasn't able to continue to be with a man that could not be in public with me. He said ok! Man can dating really mess with people's head! This is just the oddest crap ever. How can one seem so normal and otherwise be so successful and then throw this load of crap at you. ARRG!
bittersweet memories Posted July 4, 2010 Posted July 4, 2010 No he is not seeing someone else. I am confident of that! There are no signs of that what so ever. He could be really good at hiding it. Though we spend 75% of our free time together. The other woman or double life he is leading would be very neglected. No denial. His behavior is very odd! I don't get it. Like I said too, I have talked to him very directly and he always turns it around and plays dumb. As if I freakin buy it! He was married and has a couple of kids whom I have met. So it isn't that! So talking doesn't work. I am otherwise very happy with him however, there is no way I will ever be okay with this behavior from him. So I guess I get out?! HELLO!! The signs are all there!! MM (not saying he's married) that might spend 75% with their wife but have OW on the side. He might have another girlfriend on the side. Sound like he has a double life without a doubt. He's obviously hiding something.
Recommended Posts