Poop or get off the pot!

[konfuzd]

We constantly talk about buying a house together.

 

We both want to get out of the city eventually, and have talked about places which would have work for both of us.

 

We talk about investments, and saving for the future, and the same major purchases we want to make.

 

I think D-Lish is right, he is not handling it ideally, but I think I should let it slide until he finishes school. We are very happy with eachother and have an amazing connection, the issue really is with me. I think I need to focus more on the now (which is fantastic), and worry about the future in the future.... even when people plan on getting married, or spending their lives together, there is no guarantee...

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Interesting how different each of you interpret the same situation.

[SarahRose]

We constantly talk about buying a house together.

 

We both want to get out of the city eventually, and have talked about places which would have work for both of us.

 

We talk about investments, and saving for the future, and the same major purchases we want to make.

 

I think D-Lish is right, he is not handling it ideally, but I think I should let it slide until he finishes school. We are very happy with eachother and have an amazing connection, the issue really is with me. I think I need to focus more on the now (which is fantastic), and worry about the future in the future.... even when people plan on getting married, or spending their lives together, there is no guarantee...

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Interesting how different each of you interpret the same situation.

 

It sounds he does a lot of talking and very little action in regards to these things.

 

Why don't you just ask him if he intends to marry you and when and then you'll know.

 

Another question, if you told you he has no intentions of marrying you, would you still stick around?

[konfuzd]

I have asked him. He either brushes me off, or says "I don't know, maybe one day".

 

I definately do not want to walk away, as I want more than to just get married to this man. I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

I know I can't compromise on my desires and values, so when it comes to the time of moving in together is when I really have to set an ultimatum and stick to it. I will have to be prepared at that point, but I think for now I'm just going to enjoy having an amazing man in my life.

[girlygirl25]

 

I asked him after a few months had passed whatever happened to that, and he said that he got really close, then scared himself and decided he didn't really care about getting married anymore. He has promised me that it has nothing to do with me, and he still wants to be with me and is 100% commited to me.

 

I tried to bring it up again recently, but he completely brushed me off. I asked him where he stood on the marriage thing now that we've given it 2 years, and he told me I was rushing him, but he was laughing about it. (we have now been together 3 years. I am 29, he's 27). I couldn't get a serious answer out of him.

 

This guy does not want to get married or marry you, sorry to say. He basically told you flat out that he didn't really care about getting married. I don't think he will "let you go" because he doesn't want to get married, he loves you and wants to be with you. He probably DOESN'T want to lose you. But your chances for a proposal/marriage aren't good. If marriage is your ultimate goal then I doubt you will find it with your boyfriend.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

I know I can't compromise on my desires and values, so when it comes to the time of moving in together is when I really have to set an ultimatum and stick to it. I will have to be prepared at that point, but I think for now I'm just going to enjoy having an amazing man in my life.

 

I am not sure an ultimatum would do any good really. He told you he didn't want to get married. Do you really want to marry someone you had to threaten? If you push him TOO hard he won't be happy and he will end up resenting you.

 

If you can deal with having him in your life and not being married to him then you should stay.

Edited July 6, 2010 by girlygirl25

[konfuzd]

I would never approach the issue as a threat or a demand.

 

If I were to bring it up, it would be in a sense that I want to ensure that this is a decision we have to make together. I know we have the same ideals of where our lives will be in 5 years, with the exception of this one thing. I will express how important it is to me, and hope that he comes back around.

 

The difficulty in this situation is that I got so involved with this man because he told me that he wanted to marry me. I would never pressure a guy who said from day 1 that he didn't want to get married. I guess I feel a bit duped in this situation, as he led me to follow one path, but somewhere he veered off in another direction. I'm only hoping that the 2 paths will meet up again.

[Lipsy10]

2 years ago my bf told me he wanted us to get married in 2 years. A few months later, he told me that he was going to pop the question 'soon'. I asked him how soon, and he said "probably in a couple weeks".

 

Here I sit, 2 years later, and still no proposal.

 

You have every right to be angry here . He said he was going to propose and then just changed his mind, wtf?? What dramatically changed in the space of a couple of weeks??

 

Hes stalling you and the gently gently approach will get you no-where. You need to sit him down and ask him to be straight with you. Does he ever intend to propose?

 

I think the age gap might be the problem. I know its only a couple of years but its a fact that women mature faster. Maybe at 27 he's just not ready for marrage. Your nearly 30 which can be a scary age for single women. Do you want children?? Is marrage a must before you have kids? If so you dont have as much time to mess around as he does.

 

I know you love him and I don't beleive in ultimatums BUT do you want to be 35 and still in the same place? If he is just stringing you along you don't wanna leave it too late to get out of the relationship and meet someone else.

[konfuzd]

So, I haven't raised the subject since I posted this.

 

The other day, out of the blue he asks me "what's the difference between an engagement ring and a wedding ring?". I explained it to him, then asked if he was planning on doing some shopping. He said "no, I was just thinking of a joke I heard about the 3 rings of marriage" (engagement ring - wedding ring- sufferring)

 

Would you interpret this as having his mind back in the game, or am I just reading to much into it because it's on MY mind?

[txsilkysmoothe]

I asked him after a few months had passed whatever happened to that, and he said that he got really close, then scared himself and decided he didn't really care about getting married anymore.

 

There's your answer.

 

 

He could still ask you to marry him and have a long engagement until after he finishes school so I don't think that is the reason.

 

The other day, out of the blue he asks me "what's the difference between an engagement ring and a wedding ring?". I explained it to him, then asked if he was planning on doing some shopping. He said "no, I was just thinking of a joke I heard about the 3 rings of marriage" (engagement ring - wedding ring- sufferring)

 

Would you interpret this as having his mind back in the game, or am I just reading to much into it because it's on MY mind?

 

I would interpret his remark as further confirmation that he doesn't want to get married.

 

You should have a serious discussion and then make a decision. Good luck!

Edited July 15, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[torranceshipman]

Sarah- I don't see how walking away will do me any good. At this point, I have a man in my life whom I love, respect and who treats me like gold. If I walk away, I am no closer to the ultimate goal.

 

Ronni- Thank you for the insightful advice and personal experience.

 

Both of us come from very traditional backgrounds. Both sets of parents have been married over 25 years and hold very traditional roles within the family unit. Torrance mentioned that BF has more power in the relationship than I do, and I think to a certain extent this is true, but not in a bad way. It's the way I was raised. I am not completely subservient to him, however, I see us as having distinct roles in the relationship which make us work well as a unit.

 

The main reason I want to have this figured out now is that I own my own home and am established in my career. BF is in school for one more year, he lives in a cheap basement suite. Once he graduates and gets a career, we have envisioned buying a house together. I would like to make this purchase as husband and wife for both financial and emotional reasons.

 

Be careful about what you perceive traditional gender roles to be. You say he treats you like gold and in many ways, maybe he does, but in the context of this post, he is not respecting you. A man in a traditional R should ALWAYS respect you and make you feel safe and loved and secure as that is how the best traditional R's work. I do not see that he is doing this. For example, that playstation joke, your need to walk on eggshells a little and with trying to work out if deadlines, jokey approaches, etc, are right...at the moment what you have is a bit unequal and I would feel uncomfortable with that.

[Art_Critic]

He said "no, I was just thinking of a joke I heard about the 3 rings of marriage" (engagement ring - wedding ring- sufferring)

 

Ouch...

 

Konfuzed.. you really should lay it all out there.. he isn't going to get off the pot..

He doesn't want to get married, that however doesn't mean he doesn't love you or have feelings for you but it means he is marriage material.

 

What's the joke..

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free ?

 

That joke rings true in real life with some guys too and it isn't all about sex and putting out..

It is all about the whole relationship, living together, sex, sharing lives..

 

He has no reason to rock the boat.. unless of course you decide that him getting the milk for free needs to end..

 

Shiot or get off the pot as you would say.. he needs to do it.

 

If you aren't happy then you need to work on making you happy as he is happy with things the way they are...

[Thierro]

Why is it such an issue that he doesn't want to get married? I would love to be in a long commited relationship with one particular girl till I die, but I don't want to get married. It doesn't mean anything at all in my opinion.

 

As long as he loves you.

[konfuzd]

Wow- a lot of humorless people... I got the joke about the suffering, and thought it was funny.

 

He and I share a lot of the same sense of humor. I would in no way interpret the joke as anything but that, a joke. Lighten up!

 

I will stand by my morals and will not move in with him unless there is a ring on my finger (and it's a symbol of a direction we both want to be going in).

[stillafool]

I have asked him. He either brushes me off, or says "I don't know, maybe one day".

 

I definately do not want to walk away, as I want more than to just get married to this man. I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

I know I can't compromise on my desires and values, so when it comes to the time of moving in together is when I really have to set an ultimatum and stick to it. I will have to be prepared at that point, but I think for now I'm just going to enjoy having an amazing man in my life.

 

 

I think you need to listen to the title of your thread and then make a move. 2 years have come and gone. You are waiting around in year 3 and still he brushes you off, and says "I don't know, maybe one day" or "I don't care anymore". He is only 27 where you may be ready to start a family at 29. You are going to have to be the one who controls your furture. Not him.

[Art_Critic]

Wow- a lot of humorless people... I got the joke about the suffering, and thought it was funny.

 

I think it would have been funny in any other context than what you are dealing with..

ie: if you were already married or engaged but you are not and he isn't looking like he is going to pop the question.

 

Sometimes humor is used to mention the truth about things.. it hurts less if we laugh about it..

 

Why will you not have a clear the air talk with him about your future and feelings that you are having right now ?

[Art_Critic]

Why is it such an issue that he doesn't want to get married?

 

It wouldn't be an issue if both people in the relationship felt the same way.. but they don't.

She wants to get married and start a life together and he doesn't want to do that so it is an issue.

 

In a sense their goals are at direct odds with one another right now and aren't on the same page.

[silverfish]

Wow- a lot of humorless people... I got the joke about the suffering, and thought it was funny.

 

He and I share a lot of the same sense of humor. I would in no way interpret the joke as anything but that, a joke. Lighten up!

 

I will stand by my morals and will not move in with him unless there is a ring on my finger (and it's a symbol of a direction we both want to be going in).

 

It's fine standing by your morals, but how long are you prepared to do that for?

 

As for the joke, it's not particularly funny seeing as you have a problem with his lack of proposal and it's obviously upsetting you. He either said it to deliberately upset you (or try to) because he knows how you feel, in which case you need to stand up for yourself.

 

Or, he doesn't know, and made the joke because he doesn't take your wishes seriously, in which case you need to stand up for yourself.

[allina]

Konfuzd, I think you are in denial about how dismissive of your feelings he is. This is a big deal and he refuses to have an open conversation about it. A man that "treats you like gold" doesn't brush you off with "I don't know baby, maybe someday."

 

I am absolutely against people getting married before they are ready, but a man that won't openly discuss marriage is another thing. I think it's time to be more honest with him and with yourself

[that girl]

I don't see how walking away will do me any good. At this point, I have a man in my life whom I love, respect and who treats me like gold. If I walk away, I am no closer to the ultimate goal.

Is the ultimate goal marriage or a longer term relationship with him?

 

This guy passed the deadline he set himself for marriage and won't even seriously discuss it. The odds of him proposing are not good.

 

However, he is likely to stay in the relationship with you for awhile.

 

If the ultimate goal is marriage, staying with him longer doesn't make it more likely. You still very well may end up starting over with someone else. If you want marriage, you need to seriously talk to him.

[girlygirl25]

Why is it such an issue that he doesn't want to get married? I would love to be in a long commited relationship with one particular girl till I die, but I don't want to get married. It doesn't mean anything at all in my opinion.

 

As long as he loves you.

 

Yes, but SHE DOES wants to get married. She has that right, just as he has the right not to want to.

 

I have asked him. He either brushes me off, or says "I don't know, maybe one day".

 

I definately do not want to walk away, as I want more than to just get married to this man. I want to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

I know I can't compromise on my desires and values, so when it comes to the time of moving in together is when I really have to set an ultimatum and stick to it. I will have to be prepared at that point, but I think for now I'm just going to enjoy having an amazing man in my life.

 

But he does not want to get married to you. He has told you that. Unfortunately, I get the impression that you are justifying his reasoning (e.i. well he DID say he wanted to marry me at one time). He has changed his mind now though. Will he change it back? Maybe. But maybe he won't. As I said before, I wouldn't count on getting him down the isle. ((HUGS))

[txsilkysmoothe]

I think it would have been funny in any other context than what you are dealing with..

ie: if you were already married or engaged but you are not and he isn't looking like he is going to pop the question.

 

Sometimes humor is used to mention the truth about things.. it hurts less if we laugh about it..

 

Why will you not have a clear the air talk with him about your future and feelings that you are having right now ?

 

Art Critic is correct!

 

I think your boyfriend has been totally insensitive toward your feelings.

 

What man tells a woman:

I want to marry you in two years

I'll be proposing soon, maybe in a couple of weeks

I decided marriage isn't important (only tells you after you asked)

 

You guys are communicating indirecty. It appears you bring up marriage quite often. You ask "will gift fit on my finger," "are you planning on shopping for rings?" He replies with JOKES! I'm glad you have a sense of humor because you will need it.

 

He may very well view living together as a compromise - he thinks you'll be content and stop talking about getting married. I would expect a "traditional" guy to prefer marriage to living together. It also doesn't fit that a man concerned about your dad's opinion, would think it acceptable for you to live together. Most father's want men to marry their daughters, not just live with them.

Edited July 16, 2010 by txsilkysmoothe

[SakenPT]

I'd walk because a man will gladly waste years of your life if you let him.

 

 

A Man or a woman, anyone could do that..., still, i wouldn't just walk away because he doesn't pop the question

[stillafool]

A Man or a woman, anyone could do that..., still, i wouldn't just walk away because he doesn't pop the question

 

Well if you wanted to get married and he doesn't would you just forget about marriage all together?

[konfuzd]

As I said earlier in the post, a major reason I am set on marriage is that I have a lot more to bring into the relationship financially. If we are to move in toghether, the most likely scenario is that I would sell my condo and use the equity I have built up to put a down payment on a house for us. I am more than willing to sign a deed with my husband, but not some guy who's not willing to sign a marriage certificate.

[SakenPT]

Well if you wanted to get married and he doesn't would you just forget about marriage all together?

 

in my case i wanted to marry my girlfriend but in an idle chitchat i found that she doesn't want to get married, that's fine by me i will live with her as a couple anyway

[konfuzd]

As it turns out, Dlish was right. He was backing off because he was feeling inadequate due to his living situation and his inibility to be a provider.

 

We spent the last month apart as he was working out of town during his term break. When he returned, he brought up the situation. He apologized profusely for putting me through the mental anguish and promised he does want to get married when he is finished school.

 

I told him that I was still a bit upset with the way he handled things and he needs to start talking to me about things which effect our future together.